sedgwick Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 I'm sure I'm not the only one here who has trouble taking it slowly when they're really into someone. This has been one of my big issues in the past. Like many women, I like to talk about feelings and I'm very open with my emotions -- when I'm really into someone, I have no problem telling them, often too soon. And like many men, the past few I've dated (especially my most recent ex) tended to keep their emotions to themselves and be slower to open up. I find myself interested in someone new, and I promised myself I'd develop a strong friendship with the next guy I liked before I a) said "I love you" or b) jumped into bed. And I'm sure I'm also not the only one who has jumped into bed too early and regretted it later! So how can I hold back this time around? What has worked for you?
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Ugh. Pretty much the only thing that has worked is spending less time with said person when I see the feelings developing and I can tell they're not ready.
stepka Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Not getting alone with them for awhile is a good start--which is exactly what you want to do, but don't! Keep it busy and public until neither of you can stand it anymore.
littlej88 Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 start letting them chase you! learn to like that feeling. that has always worked best for me. give a little but take a lot. but only at first...
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 I read Steve Harvey's book not too long ago and I remember smirking about the '90 day rule' (I'd post it, but it may violate forum rules, so just Google that and it will be one of the first things that comes up). Now, I'm not so sure. I'm beginning to think that holding off on the sex and focusing on actually getting to know each other might be the key to 'going slow'. Now, I don't know about literally 90 days, but I can tell you this: I've always jumped in the sack nearly first thing, if not first thing and it never worked out in any relationship. What do you think? Do you think that if you moved the focus from sex to getting to know each other (no sleepovers, no 'heavy petting' as they used to call it) would work in helping you go slow? It seems that once the sex starts, it is on to a breakneck emotional speed, or at least it is for me.
Author sedgwick Posted November 11, 2009 Author Posted November 11, 2009 Lucrezia, I definitely plan to take it at least a couple of months before sex next time! The emotional attachment that comes with sex has led to a lot of heartbreak for me and I don't have the energy to go through that again!
D-Lish Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 Well good for you for stepping out and starting something new! It's been a long time coming S! After a painful divorce, I had trouble opening up. I still have trouble. My past pain made me far too cautious. I even have a pattern of sabotaging when I like someone because I have such deep rooted trust issues. You can only slow it down to a point. When you like someone, it's difficult to excercise 100% control all day every day. My vice is alcohol- when I drink, I get sappy, and I lose my inhibitions. When I meet someone I really like- I now avoid dates that involve any alcohol. I get to know the person sober- that way I am always in control. I don't make too many bad choices when I am sober. I'd recommend being aware of your vices and keeping them in check while you are first getting to know someone. You are in control over what you say and what you do. You can't control how you feel, but you absolutely can control what you do with those feelings. If you don't want to sleep with someone too soon or blurt out "I love you" before it is time- then don't. It really is as simple as that. Even if it means replaying the matra "play it cool, play it cool" over and over again while you are with him- cling to what works for you personally. Once again, might I add- nice to see you hopping back on the horse S.
tigressA Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 I think the one thing you can do to "take it slow" is wait to have sex. My ex and I waited 4 months (though after a month we started doing everything but) and he was the one guy I dated who lasted more than 3 months (1 year, 9 months). Our relationship didn't work out in the end, but I do feel that if we had had sex too soon then it would've been even shorter. --I realize 4 months is a long time, but there were other circumstances--he was a virgin when he met me, for one. I suppose barring special circumstances, waiting at least 1 month is ideal.
aerogurl87 Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 I waited a month to do anything really sexual with my boyfriend and then I broke. I'm a highly sexual person, so for me dating him more than a month with no sex wasn't going to cut it. But for that first month I was forced to get to know him for him without the blinding sex induced goggles of infatuation on. We also agreed to take things slow but I'm already in love with him and it's been less than 3 months that we've been dating. So yeah, you can slow things down but only to a certain point since I think the heart has a way of overcoming the rational thoughts of the mind at times.
Johnny M Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 I think the one thing you can do to "take it slow" is wait to have sex. My ex and I waited 4 months (though after a month we started doing everything but) and he was the one guy I dated who lasted more than 3 months (1 year, 9 months). Our relationship didn't work out in the end, but I do feel that if we had had sex too soon then it would've been even shorter. Pretty bad advice, IMO. I wouldn't stick around for four months if there was no sex and neither would many other men. You're asking a man to invest a lot of time into a relationship without even knowing if the two of you are sexually compatible. Not to mention, there is no shortage of 'no sex until marriage' types who wait until the man has invested of a lot of time and effort into the relationship to inform him of their views on sex. Who wants to be played for a fool like that?
tigressA Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 I said in my post that there were special circumstances in our situation, like that he was a virgin at the time--and one for me that I won't post here because it's highly personal. And I also said that "barring special circumstances, waiting at least one month is ideal". If my ex and I had a more typical situation I definitely wouldn't have waited more than a month.
Recommended Posts