tigressA Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Getting back with an ex. I never realized how difficult and weird it could be until now. My former ex and I got back together a few weeks ago. We've spent two weekends together so far. The first weekend was fine, this past weekend...not so much. He got to spend a lot more time with his friends since I was so involved in the play; we had our last two shows Friday and Saturday. Like the first weekend, we didn't spend a whole lot of time together alone, but whereas the first weekend was nice, this one was really awkward. When we were with friends, it was fine, but alone it was weird. We went out for lunch on Saturday and then breakfast on Sunday and we hardly spoke to each other, mostly just sat there. I struggled to find things to say and found him more stoic and unreactive than ever. And while the first weekend he was here we had sex, this weekend we couldn't because it was my time of the month. I felt kind of alarmed that I wasn't too unhappy about not being able to have sex (I love sex). I'm also dealing with that vibe I'm getting from his family and friends--that distrusting "Is she going to hurt him again?", wondering if I'm sincere, etc. I've never dealt with that before and it's difficult for me. I feel I was immature in thinking that things would be back to the way they were when clearly they're not. They're quite different, as well they should be. I'm wondering if I didn't give this enough thought before acting on it. I'm wondering if this is just a struggle before getting back into the rhythm, or if it's just an "I told you an ex is an ex for a reason" moment waiting to happen. I felt so sure at first, and now I'm not sure at all. I'm not sure of what I should do. A bit of background: we dated for a year and 9 months; I broke up with him at the end of July and we had had no contact until I contacted him in mid-October.
boldjack Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 While you were broken-up did you see other guys? Why did you break up in the first place?Come on TA, we can't help without info. The parent and friend thing is very easy to understand. You hurt one of their own, and they don't want you to do it again, simple. The awkwardness could be due to many things, but I won't be able to tell you what until you fill me in.
Author tigressA Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 Well, when we were broken up I had hooked up with someone else--basically everything but sex since for whatever reason he couldn't get it up (I suspect it was the drugs he does--yeah, that one was a mistake). I had had a couple of prospects that ended up going nowhere. I ended it because I was just getting frustrated. I had been living with him and his family for the summer; I was struggling with finding steady work while he was out M-F, 9-5, and when he'd come back I'd be stifled from being in the house and wanted to go out and do things but he didn't want to. He was so passive all the time, wanted me to make all the decisions, it just got to the point where I couldn't take anymore. I became fed-up. My discontent with that basically spoiled everything, even my attraction to him, our sex life dried up, etc. I had given it a lot of thought--or at least I thought I had--and realized that what ended our relationship had a lot to do with circumstance and neither of us handled it well. He was crushed by the breakup; I was his first everything (well, except kiss). He's a good, solid guy. I admit now that part of why I got back with him was because I am sort of worried that I won't find another guy like him. I'm a relationship-oriented person and it's really hard to find that at my age, with a guy I'm close to in age.
boldjack Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Well Tigger, During these last two meetings/weekends did you two do any talking? I mean real communication? Yes , you were probably being immature for the initial break-up. When a person works all week, sometimes they don't feel like going out, and the stay-at-home is full of energy and resents being cooped up. It's a very common issue. It would have been better for you to have found any kind of job (even waitressing) so that you both could go out when you both had the energy to. But that is in the past. The main question I think you have to ask yourself, is do you have the hots for this guy? Does he trip your emotional and sexual trigger? If so, show him, in no uncertain terms , that he is YOUR GUY, and YOU are HIS GIRL. If not, I don't see this going anywhere , but down the tube. . BTW, having sex during your period isn't bad, just messy.
Author tigressA Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 We did a lot of talking before we got back together--before he visited me the first weekend, for 5 consecutive days, about everything--why we broke up, things we'd have to work on if we were to get back together, etc. When we first saw each other again that first weekend it was...really nice. I felt really into him and all that. We've had sex during my period before; I don't have a problem with it. I just wasn't really feeling it at all this weekend and I used my period as an excuse to not do anything. I guess that's what I've always been unsure about--sometimes I feel attracted to him, sometimes I don't. It's not ALWAYS there. I'm wondering if this is normal for me or if there's something better out there. I know it's useless to ask if that's how it is for other people because every person's wants, needs, likes, etc are different. This is the only relationship I've had that's lasted beyond 3 1/2 months that's involved sex, so I don't know if it's just the fact that we passed the honeymoon period, or if he's really not right for me.
boldjack Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Tigger, sweetheart, if the rush isn't there all of the time, chances are you two aren't a good fit. You are very young, and I can remember what it was like the first time I fell in love. We simply could not keep our hands off each other, we had sex every day for weeks on end. It seems to me that you two lack sufficent passion, considering your age. But that is up to you. You know best if you feel that spark.
Author tigressA Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 (edited) I guess you're right. We waited four months before having sex--during which we did everything but--and those were always really nice. But it was like as soon as we started having sex it wasn't as good anymore. It was good, but not nearly like it was when we weren't having sex. And it just went downhill from there. I've had a lot of trouble climaxing with him during our relationship when we were fully sexually active, whereas it's easy for me to do it on my own and it was easy for me to climax with past guys. Normally it's easy for me to climax multiple times in a single session, but I almost never could with him. When I was single after breaking up with him and I had a couple of different crushes, just THINKING about them got me worked up to the point of orgasm. I felt like I'd lost that feeling forever until it finally resurfaced. Edit: It's just hard because he is a good, solid guy, like I said, and at my age it's hard to find that without having to date older guys and I'm not into having major differences in the amount of life experience, etc. But I guess if I'm not that attracted to him, if our sex life leaves more to be desired, then it will be really difficult for me to keep from letting my mind and heart wander over toward other guys while I'm with him--that was a problem in our relationship before, actually. Edited November 10, 2009 by tigressA
A O Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Getting back with an ex. Getting back with an ex - not a wise move. The first weekend was fine, this past weekend...not so much. Yeah, pretty short honeymoon period for this type of relationship aye. Expect plenty more of the latter. .
Author tigressA Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 Getting back with an ex - not a wise move. Yeah, pretty short honeymoon period for this type of relationship aye. Expect plenty more of the latter. . Yeah, I guess not. I was always the person who said "An ex is an ex for a reason." I thought that it could work since the reason why we broke up was kind of immature on my part and I'd gotten past it. But it's still not really working out. I guess I may have to end it again for good. I wonder if I shouldn't just give it a little more time, like one more weekend, just to see if things get better?
boldjack Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Well, if it hasn't gotten better by now, I really don't think it's going to. Whatever you do, don't keep him hanging on. Either commit or end it for good, he deserves that much , at least. I think that you would be avoiding problems in the future, if you would just end it. Could you really be faithful to this guy?
Author tigressA Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 Being perfectly honest with myself--no, I don't think I could remain faithful to him long-term. I wasn't completely faithful to him when we were together before. I didn't really consider THAT while thinking about the whole reconciliation thing. It's just hard because I thought I could be totally content with a good guy like him, even though the attraction isn't always all there and our sex life wasn't ever as satisfying as I was used to when I was involved with other people, but I guess I couldn't be. I've always wondered if I could find both components--the physical and the mental/emotional--in one person in quantities enough to actually satisfy me. It's frustrating because I don't want what most people my age seem to want--just a f*ck buddy or relationships so short you could clock them with an egg-timer. I want to find someone I can build a life with, and he always seemed like that guy, but if I don't think I can even remain totally faithful to him (and I already failed once before), then why stay? Why put him through this?
boldjack Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Then Tigger, you must be kind to him, and let him go. If you were unfaithful, do you want to do it again? How about after you are married and have kids? In my opinion, this relationship will only lead to heartache and deceit. I think that you are too honest a person, to let that happen. You are smart, wickedly beautiful, and talented. You WILL find the man of your dreams, I'm sure of it. Sh*t, if I were 20 years younger.............
leap83 Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Tigress: The feeling is NEVER the same when you go back to an ex (unless you ended the relationship for SOLID reasons and it was on a happy note - then the relationship second time around might be good). Just like you, I got back with my ex plenty of times and I felt exactly like you - hated by his friends, family, etc. I couldn't stand it - when he was the one who cheated on me. So, do yourself a favour, and don't put YOURSELF through this. And do him a favour and be honest. He's probably feeling the same way as you - I would actually bet he is. My ex felt the same way when we sat down - there was no more trust between us and we just sort of crumbled. There are plenty of fish in the sea and I'm sure you're bound to find someone new. So, don't put yourself through this pain (it is pain).
northstar1 Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Getting back with an ex. I never realized how difficult and weird it could be until now. My former ex and I got back together a few weeks ago. We've spent two weekends together so far. The first weekend was fine, this past weekend...not so much. He got to spend a lot more time with his friends since I was so involved in the play; we had our last two shows Friday and Saturday. Like the first weekend, we didn't spend a whole lot of time together alone, but whereas the first weekend was nice, this one was really awkward. When we were with friends, it was fine, but alone it was weird. We went out for lunch on Saturday and then breakfast on Sunday and we hardly spoke to each other, mostly just sat there. I struggled to find things to say and found him more stoic and unreactive than ever. And while the first weekend he was here we had sex, this weekend we couldn't because it was my time of the month. I felt kind of alarmed that I wasn't too unhappy about not being able to have sex (I love sex). I'm also dealing with that vibe I'm getting from his family and friends--that distrusting "Is she going to hurt him again?", wondering if I'm sincere, etc. I've never dealt with that before and it's difficult for me. I feel I was immature in thinking that things would be back to the way they were when clearly they're not. They're quite different, as well they should be. I'm wondering if I didn't give this enough thought before acting on it. I'm wondering if this is just a struggle before getting back into the rhythm, or if it's just an "I told you an ex is an ex for a reason" moment waiting to happen. I felt so sure at first, and now I'm not sure at all. I'm not sure of what I should do. A bit of background: we dated for a year and 9 months; I broke up with him at the end of July and we had had no contact until I contacted him in mid-October. The negative vibe from friends/family is natural if they know the person is hurting because of the breakup. Those things can fade over time. However, based on your earlier threads, I don't really see this reconcilliation working, because: You admitted that your attraction to him was waning and you weren't sure you were in love with him anymore. Once those feelings set in, it is hard to get them back. Forcing it rarely works. From this thread, it seems like you are 'friends' more than anything else. You think he is a great guy, and you get along, but the passion and chemistry seem to be lacking enough to sustain a relationship. You are young, and many relationships in college do not go the distance. People change, goals change, there is rarely a feeling of 'knowing what you really want'. I think maybe 10% of the couples I knew in univ are still together now. My feeling is that if you are having this many doubts now, it will continue. Sometimes reconcillations, even with the best intentions, just don't work.
Author tigressA Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 Thanks so much for the advice, everyone. I really appreciate it. After reading your responses and giving them some thought, I've decided to end it for good. It hurts because I did want it to work out, but I had to see that what I have with him now, and what I had with him before, just isn't enough for me. He's a good guy and he deserves someone who will be passionate about him and be completely happy with what he has to offer in a relationship. I hate to put him through this again because I know how crushed he was the first time, but I know that it will be even worse for him (and myself) if I stay. I recognize the very possible likelihood that he, his family and his friends will hate me even more for doing this, but at the end of the day that can't be any of my concern because they're HIS circle; they have nothing to do with me.
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