thatguy85 Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Help me out here... Recently separated from my wife... she cheated on me a couple times. Divorce papers have just started. I met a few girls, most are attractive to me.. pretty cool girls, but one I really like. I've been talking with her for a couple of months now, we've seen each other like 5 times or so. We both say we don't want a relationship, but I'm really liking her... like big time. Because of her I think I've lost interest in the other girls I've been talking to. I also stopped looking when I go out with friends to bars and clubs. It's scary because I know I should stay far away from relationships right now... but I can't help how I feel about her. On days where we don't talk, or when I go like a week or so without seeing her I get depressed. I don't know what to do here...
harmfulsweetz Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Well, continue to see her. Ask her how she feels, tell her how you feel. It's best to find out where you stand from the off.
Author thatguy85 Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 Well, continue to see her. Ask her how she feels, tell her how you feel. It's best to find out where you stand from the off. You think so? I'm worried that if I have this check-in convo with her she will think I'm too serious and then cut me off. That's my main concern with that.
65tr6 Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Recently separated from my wife... she cheated on me a couple times. Divorce papers have just started. what have you learnt from your wife's cheating ? does the girl you are dating know anything about your impending divorce ?
harmfulsweetz Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 I think its best to be honest, if I were you, I'd just say 'look I like you loads' and see where it goes. Make it clear you aren't going to pile on the pressure, but make her aware of your position. It may be that she's thinking the same as you, but you won't know until you tell her.
Author thatguy85 Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 what do you mean what have I learnt? I learnt that it hurts to be cheated on. And yes, we are separated and the divorce process is underway. And yes this girl knows everything.
EcstasyX6 Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 You're used to the comfort and commitment of marriage. The pain that your wife inflicted upon you is still fresh, so you may be filling a void with this new woman. Just be careful that you are not, and take it slow. Maybe what 65 was alluding to, is what did you learn from the mistakes that were made in your marriage? I shamefully and wrongfully cheated on my STBX:(:(, however he admits to ignoring problems in our marriage long before that happened and post therapy, and being presented with a looming divorce, he was running around trying to fix things when it was too late. We have both talked candidly about not making the same mistakes in future relationships.
JL911 Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 (edited) Honestly I thought you had a great post till your last line where I got a bit worried about you. Im gonna lay it out there for ya bud...Dont get mad, but listen: On days where we don't talk, or when I go like a week or so without seeing her I get depressed. I dont know how long you have been seperated, or how long after the separation was when you met this lady....But, you need to really evaluate if your feelings about this girl are more about what type of a person she is, or if you are simply using her as a happiness crutch or a distraction to move past a messy divorce with your wife. I have stood by my idea, where I believe no single person can be the root to your happiness, they can only enhance it. If you are depressed when she is not around, I cant help but think you are already relying on her so much to keep you smiling when in reality, you should be doing that. Since the divorce papers have just been started I imagine that there is a long bumpy road of grief still needing to be felt and a lot of emotion that needs to be dealt with in a healthy manner. Maybe she just knows better than to get involved at this point very seriously with someone who is going through the motions in which you are in life. I miss my girl when shes not around, but I dont get depressed, I have other ways of occupying my time, and enjoying my life that do not revolve around her exhistance. And life would go on for me if she packed up and left me. I think maybe you need to find some of these things that you enjoy by yourself. Its ok to miss someone and enjoy their company but I think you might feel a bit more than this judging by the above statement. I dont think you should bank so much of your happiness on any person other than yourself...Its a recipe for disaster and heartache. As far as saying how you feel. I believe you always reach a make it or break it point with someone where you need to find where you stand and see if it is worth your time to continue to persue and put in the effort. It is ok to give her a little bit, but I think saying you feel depressed when shes not around might send her running for the hills. Edited November 9, 2009 by JL911
65tr6 Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 I learnt that it hurts to be cheated on. ok, i understand that. Trust me ! Not condoning your wife's cheating, what are the valuable lessons you have learnt since then ? (i know one being never to cheat). What have you done to grow as an individual ? dont tell me you were a perfect husband. Look from your post, it is clear you are still healing. I dont know how long you have been married, not sure if you have any kids...If you are trying to replace your wife with someone else as a desparate measure, then I dont think it is a good idea. Do you still love your stbx ? Take it slow. Be very open/honest about how you are feeling right now with your girl friend. If it means you waiting until after the divorce is final, then let it be.
Ms. Joolie Posted November 9, 2009 Posted November 9, 2009 Just understand that with the divorce comes a time of transition for you. Ask yourself what kind of relationship you can offer this woman. Be considerate of your needs in a relationship right now and hers. Be good to yourself, be good to her.
Author thatguy85 Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 Yeah I guess what it seems like is I need to just be upfront with her about how I feel, move slow and see where it goes from there. Thanks... I hate being all emotional and weird... im not used to it
Author thatguy85 Posted November 9, 2009 Author Posted November 9, 2009 ok, i understand that. Trust me ! Not condoning your wife's cheating, what are the valuable lessons you have learnt since then ? (i know one being never to cheat). What have you done to grow as an individual ? dont tell me you were a perfect husband. Look from your post, it is clear you are still healing. I dont know how long you have been married, not sure if you have any kids...If you are trying to replace your wife with someone else as a desparate measure, then I dont think it is a good idea. Do you still love your stbx ? Take it slow. Be very open/honest about how you are feeling right now with your girl friend. If it means you waiting until after the divorce is final, then let it be. I wasn't perfect, no one is... but if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing about what kind of husband I was. She claims she cheated on me because I didn't pay her enough attention... kind of like how I worked full time, she didn't. I'd spend 5 days of the week with her exclusively, and then a couple times a week I'd meet up with friends after work. She had my undivided attention every weekend. I feel like the biggest thing I've learned is that I shouldn't have let her change who I am as a person, which I felt I allowed. Post breakup, I've been struggling with finding/remembering who I am. Do I still love her? Yes... I want her to be happy and I wish her nothing but the best in the future. I hope she meets a man who makes her happy, gives her kids, etc.... AM I in love with her still? No. I'd never take her back.
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