How can I pay on the first day without sounding rude?

[Leahh]

Um did you misunderstood me? That's what I said. Pay for your own share.

 

no, I was agreeing and realizing some may have taken it as if I wanted to do it for both.

[Leahh]

ive been on many dates with women like you.

 

always have to have your way

 

love drama(i mean, you havent even been out with this dude.. and ..already)

 

but the worst trait, in my experience, is women like you.. who have such issues with letting the guy just pay the bill: never and i mean NEVER shut the **** up... and nag well into the night...every night.

 

How is wanting to pay my fair share 'loving drama?' I am sorry you have these perceptions of me and how I 'never shut up.' A simple question and you attack my character as a person... thanks. This place is so nice to new comers and further more a great self esteem boost.

[Enema]

Tough situation Leah.

 

On the one hand, I'm the kind of guy that would think it's fantastic you want to pay for your own share and would like you even more for wanting to do it and not just as a courtesy you didn't want to follow through on.

 

But, this thread is a good indication that plenty of other guys think the man should pay and it makes them feel both masculine, in control and that you're interested.

 

Your guy seems to fall into this last category. If you insist on paying your fair share, he might be put off. But, why should you compromise what you feel just to bow to his preconceived notions of the norm?

 

I say go for it and insist. If he can't handle it, he's not the right guy for you!

[bbf]

I never understood guys who insist on paying at the expense of making the girl uncomfortable. FWIW, I can totally understand where you're coming from. If you really think about what it means when a guy won't let a woman pay her share, it's nothing any good.

 

If you feel strongly about it say something like, Sorry but it's something that's important to me. I like guys who can understand and accept that about me. I'm still really looking forward to this date though.

 

This addresses the fact that 1. He probably doesn't think it's a big deal, or maybe that you're just saying that to be polite. 2. It shifts away from him feeling like he's being cheap to him feeling like he is being caring and understanding. and 3. It takes care of any worries he has that you're saying that because you're not that interested in him.

 

I think most guys wouldn't push it after that.

Edited November 10, 2009 by bbf

[Die Hard]

How is wanting to pay my fair share 'loving drama?' I am sorry you have these perceptions of me and how I 'never shut up.' A simple question and you attack my character as a person... thanks. This place is so nice to new comers and further more a great self esteem boost.

man you're overly-sensitive too

 

big surprise

 

you asked a question "how do i pay on the FIRST date without sounding rude"...sorry you didnt like the answer...but at least you admit this behavior comes across as rude.

 

if youre this interested in paying then you should be the one doing the asking out

 

Like I said, go get a big mac and forget the date....all you seem to care about is who pays. most guys like women who dont think about the check until it comes and a simple offer to pay is more than enough The check seems to be your biggest concern. just my opinion but women like that i find annoying.

[mem11363]

At the end of the date - if it went well - ask him if he will let you treat next time?

 

 

 

Yes, another one of these 'who pays' threads- sorry. I have a date lined up for next week and he told me to pick where ever I want to go. He said it doesn't matter where- because he's paying. I said no, thank you, I prefer to pay my own way.

 

He playfully- and I stress playfully- said then we don't have to go if I don't want to let him pay. He's adamant. I know I make much, much more than he does. My roommates think I should let him pay- but it really makes me uncomfortable. Is there any way to do this without coming off like a complete B? I sincerely would like to pay for myself.

 

thanks LSers!

[Die Hard]

At the end of the date - if it went well - ask him if he will let you treat next time?

way too simple and not enough drama

[JustLooking123]

You still didn't explain why it is so important to you.

 

In my opinion, the least rude approach is to thank him sweetly, and pick up the tab next time.

[Johnny M]

Second, just let me be the man. Men generally like traditional women. I personally love women who LOVE being women. These types of women expect the man to pay, and that's the way I like it.

 

Now, it doesn't bother me if she offers to pay when the check comes, but when I say "I got it", I expect the woman to put her purse back down and just say "okay, thank you."

BS. If you have a problem with having a woman pay for herself (which is exactly how things it should work now that we are lving in the 'equality age'), you are not being 'the man'. Rather, you are suffering from deep rooted insecurities about your masculinity. There is absolutely nothing unmanly about allowing your date to pick up her portion of the bill.

[sally4sara]

You can just try a subtle insert.

 

Guy: Would you like to go to (restaurant name) for dinner with me Friday night?

 

Girl: Sure, I can afford that and I hear the food is good. What time were you thinking of setting the reservation?

 

Then there will be no talking about it while on the date unless the guy decides to a lip flapping nag because he has his masculinity wrapped up in his money.

 

Its like saying the current crap economy makes men less masculine and women more feminine.

[Johnny M]

OP, just tell the guy that you are the kind of girl who prefers to pay for herself. That's just how you do it. If he decides to cancel the date because of that, chances are he's the kind of possessive, emotionally insecure loser that you don't want anything to do with in the first place.

[Sam Spade]

This is too easy, it writer itself. I'm trying to resist...

[Leahh]

You still didn't explain why it is so important to you.

 

I just don't like to be paid for on the first date. Preference.

[Die Hard]

BS. If you have a problem with having a woman pay for herself (which is exactly how things it should work now that we are lving in the 'equality age'), you are not being 'the man'. Rather, you are suffering from deep rooted insecurities about your masculinity. There is absolutely nothing unmanly about allowing your date to pick up her portion of the bill.

 

you weed out bad women your way ...I'll weed them out my way

 

like I said I dont like drama and women who are not laid back...this is one of the ways I weed them out.

 

we all have our own rules....if a woman gives me grief about the check, im gone and nothing will change that. not only that, I'm a big believer in tradition. Traditionally, the one who asks, pays. i dont care if anyone agrees with me...its still my opinion based on my own experiences. Also, I DO NOT LIKE DISCUSSING MONEY WITH A WOMAN I JUST MET. Period. If you said yes to my date request, then stfu and let me pay without having to listen to any crap.

[A O]

For me, it is part of wanting absolutely nothing to do with men who think money makes them men and do not subscribe to rigid gender roles.

For both men and women who insist on paying its all about control....

 

And I, like in the OP would say something before we're in the middle of the date whenever possible, so if a guy must date a broke flailing maiden type, he can change his mind.

....and fear, which in your case means the fear of feeling like a "broke flailing maiden".

 

If I end up with a guy who is pushy about such a small thing even from the first date, I can't be me, I gotta be pushy too or I get drown out.

Control, control, control folks.

 

I don't like being pushy, but I will if I'm pushed there.

Neither type is a joy to be around. Pushy, pushy, pushy.

 

Plus I too asked out the men I found interesting rather than just waited around to get asked by guys who were not on my mind until Mr. Right showed up. In fact, when Mr. Right DID show up, I asked him out and I paid.

Well that's something. I assume that you'll provide your own ring should you ever get married.

 

.

[sally4sara]

For both men and women who insist on paying its all about control....

 

....and fear, which in your case means the fear of feeling like a "broke flailing maiden".

 

Control, control, control folks.

 

Neither type is a joy to be around. Pushy, pushy, pushy.

 

Well that's something. I assume that you'll provide your own ring should you ever get married.

 

.

 

In a healthy relationship, fear doesn't present. Don't start none; won't be none.

 

He had a custom ring made with stones I chose and proposed on bended knee in Central Park.

 

Sounds to me like it's fear that makes you assume a woman who doesn't bend to a man's every insistence automatically will rule him. No one had to be in charge.

[Sam Spade]

Let the poor guy pay.

Then, if you're feelin' generous anyway you can pay him back in handjob dollars.

[bac]

in general it is a good idea to respect what men want on first dates. Some men have good ideas which are much better than ideas of women. if you do what he wants and let him be himself, it will turn much better.

if he has different values about paying for dates, you may want to be flexible to make him feel good and comfortable by respecting his values.

[A O]

In a healthy relationship, fear doesn't present. Don't start none; won't be none.

Compromise is a key factor in healthy relationships. You've shown that you won't compromise on something that you've admitted is only a small thing, and you've also given us an insight into one of the reasons why (you don't want to be seen as a "broke flailing maiden"), you have a fear of feeling helpless in other words, and that all comes through via your very pushy nature.

 

He had a custom ring made with stones I chose and proposed on bended knee in Central Park.

So you pick and choose the traditions that suit you huh....didn't make a song and dance about this one did you.

 

This one suits you perfectly fine.

 

Sounds to me like it's fear that makes you assume a woman who doesn't bend to a man's every insistence automatically will rule him.

Again, the fact that you believe that a man most control everything, which is what this little statement implies, is the stereotypical thought process of a fearful, hence controlling person. Your average 'jo' would not define male behavior in this way.

 

No one had to be in charge.

Someone is always in charge. In a healthy relationship, the leadership role flows from one to another depending on who's best suited to the situation at hand. Those who believe that no one's in charge folks are blowing hot air up your collective arses - it simply does not happen.

 

.

[bac]

what is your rationale that you want to pay for the date?

Is it that if a woman makes more money, it is her respobsibility to pay for dates with guys?

[sally4sara]

Compromise is a key factor in healthy relationships. You've shown that you won't compromise on something that you've admitted is only a small thing, and you've also given us an insight into one of the reasons why (you don't want to be seen as a "broke flailing maiden"), you have a fear of feeling helpless in other words, and that all comes through via your very pushy nature.

 

So you pick and choose the traditions that suit you huh....didn't make a song and dance about this one did you.

 

This one suits you perfectly fine.

 

Again, the fact that you believe that a man most control everything, which is what this little statement implies, is the stereotypical thought process of a fearful, hence controlling person. Your average 'jo' would not define male behavior in this way.

 

Someone is always in charge. In a healthy relationship, the leadership role flows from one to another depending on who's best suited to the situation at hand. Those who believe that no one's in charge folks are blowing hot air up your collective arses - it simply does not happen.

 

.

 

I don't believe a man (or anyone) must control everything. I believe YOU believe this, that is why my responses to you are based around this belief. You show yourself with the further belief that someone is always "in charge". I simply don't agree. And since we're not dating, I'm not sure why its bothering you so much. You're making mountains out of molehills or rather, a gender war out of what should be a date between equals. Geez! That doesn't sound like any fun; why bother dating at all? Do you get dates? Do you get second dates?

 

My views have served me and my relationship in a lovely manner yielding us both much happiness and success. Its about finding someone you're compatible with. If someone like myself is not compatible with someone like yourself, it doesn't need to be a matter of right or wrong. You're wasting your time (your right to do so I suppose). I added my thoughts on the OP's thread for HER use. The simple fact that you've zeroed in on me shows you don't know compromise to the point where complete strangers with different opinions that yourself become your focus and must be badgered.

 

Who has a controlling nature? Dear I'm only even responding to you because you've made this thread about me rather than the OP's inquiry. Someone who isn't about control will just chock it up to preference rather than whatever you're trying to assume about people with my views.

[A O]

I don't believe a man (or anyone) must control everything. I believe YOU believe this, that is why my responses to you are based around this belief.

Your earlier views tell a different story. I'm connecting the dots in regards to people who have strong views towards paying or not wanting to be paid for.

 

You show yourself with the further belief that someone is always "in charge". I simply don't agree.

Just the one more time....your earlier posts paint a different picture. I'm simply putting your views in context. The point is, for the folks out there moreso than you, people who insist one way or the other have a far higher likelihood of possessing controlling tendencies than those who don't. A little issue like this can be an early warning sign.

 

You're making mountains out of molehills or rather, a gender war out of what should be a date between equals.

No gender war, my views apply to both sexes as I said earlier on. interesting that you would think this though.

 

Its about finding someone you're compatible with. If someone like myself is not compatible with someone like yourself, it doesn't need to be a matter of right or wrong.

Not a matter of right or wrong. It's simply a matter of understanding why people hold certain views.

 

The simple fact that you've zeroed in on me shows you don't know compromise to the point where complete strangers with different opinions that yourself become your focus and must be badgered.

First off, you haven't changed your stance so lets drop this I'm all for compromise garb shall we, especially given your hard line earlier on. It is this 'hard line' and the reason why people adopt it that I am explaining (more to the board than you).

 

.

[sally4sara]

First off, you haven't changed your stance so lets drop this I'm all for compromise garb shall we, especially given your hard line earlier on. It is this 'hard line' and the reason why people adopt it that I am explaining (more to the board than you).

.

 

Once again sweets, I don't need to change my stance as WE don't need to be compatible. I'm sorry you handle rejection so horribly that you assume it from people you don't even know. My views being different from yours need not make you feel this way. I'm sorry if I make you feel challenged; I did not post in this thread with that aim. I posted in this thread for the OP - NOT YOU.

 

Maybe you should ask yourself why you feel the need to put a complete strangers views into a context that allows you this attempt at smugness? I did not solicit your aid and already understand my motives. I can happily hold to my views even when others don't agree with me because I don't NEED everyone to agree with me to feel my choices are right FOR ME. I hope one day, you can say the same.

 

Goodbye!

[A O]

^ ^ ^

Clearly I'm cutting a lil too close to bone for your liking.

 

Maybe you should ask yourself why you feel the need to put a complete strangers views into a context that allows you this attempt at smugness?

This is not an exercise about smugness. I'm analyzing certain behaviors that I believe people should be aware of. All too many people are unaware of the dynamics, of the drivers behind certain beliefs. I'll point them out as they arise and use a a person's own behavior to back up my claims.

 

.

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

[sally4sara]

I just pulled my winter coat out of the closet for the season. I saw I still had a small Obama support button on the lapel.

 

If I were still dating, I COULD leave that button there as I have absolutely no desire or inclination to date a bigot. By wearing that button, I can hopefully, without confrontation ward off racist men who find me attractive. they might think about asking me out, but upon seeing the button, realize we are not compatible and leave me alone. If one approached me anyway and asked me out on the condition that I stop wearing the button, it defeats the entire purpose of wearing the button in the first place if I agree does it not?

 

You on the other hand, are acting like that crazy guy that was on the train with me last year. He saw the button and launched into a tirade about how I was a traitor to my race and probably this and that and the other as well based off the simple act of wearing a small "Vote Obama" button I wore.

 

If ever the OP needed an example of exactly why she should not change her mind for a man who can't handle her views - YOU have provided a stellar performance in this thread.

 

I will not be able to read your posts from here on out.