Jump to content

How can I pay on the first day without sounding rude?


While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted

Yes, another one of these 'who pays' threads- sorry. I have a date lined up for next week and he told me to pick where ever I want to go. He said it doesn't matter where- because he's paying. I said no, thank you, I prefer to pay my own way.

 

He playfully- and I stress playfully- said then we don't have to go if I don't want to let him pay. He's adamant. I know I make much, much more than he does. My roommates think I should let him pay- but it really makes me uncomfortable. Is there any way to do this without coming off like a complete B? I sincerely would like to pay for myself.

 

thanks LSers!

Posted

Why is it so important to you?

Posted
Is there any way to do this without coming off like a complete B? I sincerely would like to pay for myself. thanks LSers!

"Hey, I'm a new-age gal - roll with it" (said in a very playful manner).

 

I don't know, but I think both of your approaches are potentially unhealthy.

 

.

Posted

Why do you want to pay so badly? Are you afraid he will think you owe him booty if he pays? Give the guy a lil credit, let him pay. If it makes you uncomfortable, then you probably dont like him enough to go on a date anyways.

Posted (edited)

I personally will not date a woman who gives me grief about paying.

 

First, I don't like having to start discussing money with someone early on in the dating phase.

 

Second, just let me be the man. Men generally like traditional women. I personally love women who LOVE being women. These types of women expect the man to pay, and that's the way I like it.

 

Now, it doesn't bother me if she offers to pay when the check comes, but when I say "I got it", I expect the woman to put her purse back down and just say "okay, thank you."

 

When a woman starts with the "who is gonna pay, I wanna pay", drama, I just walk away.

 

I will say this though: this particular dude is asking for this by telling you to pick the restaraunt. He should be taking the lead and his failure to do so is what partly caused this situation, imo.

Edited by Die Hard
Posted

I love being a woman, but I've never known that one has to be too broke to afford a meal to be a woman....

 

As a woman, I like a man who respects my wishes. Like when I insist on paying for my own meal while I'm still getting to know them and they barely know me.

 

When I was still dating, if a man tried to plow over my wish to buy my own meal, I took it to be a clear indication he had trouble respecting a woman's wishes and I lost all interest in him. Not respecting my wish to buy my own meal is a small thing, but what will he next not listen to me about?

People on their first few dates are suppose to be putting their best foot forward. If part of someone's best efforts is to ignore my wishes and act like his masculinity is measured by his ability to reach for his wallet, his efforts are not good enough for me.

Posted
Why do you want to pay so badly? Are you afraid he will think you owe him booty if he pays? Give the guy a lil credit, let him pay. If it makes you uncomfortable, then you probably dont like him enough to go on a date anyways.

 

I agree. It seems pretty harmless to me to let him pay, but really if you are both that set on your positions you probably do not have very compatible values anyways.

Posted

Wow, I had no idea some women were so rigid on this issue. For the record, I'm a woman who fully believes that a man and woman should both pay for things in a roughly equivalent manner, taking into account each one's financial situation, once the relationship is established, or even on the 2nd date and beyond.

 

Frankly, I think that it's rude to make a huge fuss (because that's what you're doing) by insisting to pay on the first date. It makes you seem demanding. Women should always offer to chip in on the first date, but if he refuses, relax! Don't make a scene and force him to accept your money. You can buy the next time.

Posted

Second, just let me be the man. Men generally like traditional women. I personally love women who LOVE being women. These types of women expect the man to pay, and that's the way I like it.

 

Interesting. Is this really the sort of woman that you guys like? Not a woman who just doesn't mind a man paying, or even a woman who likes the man to pay... but a woman who expects a man to pay?? Do you really want to pay for a date feeling that you're not doing something nice for her... but instead just doing your expected duty? Because that's what a woman who expects a man to pay would be thinking, most likely. :/

 

I, as a woman, think it's sweet when guys treat me. But I honestly think it'd take one snooty B to think it's 'expected' of the guy.

Posted

Let him pay. Be gracious about it. I make a lot more than my boyfriend as well, but he likes taking me out. I always thank him very sweetly and give him a kiss on the cheek during dinner.

 

If the date goes well, invite him to your place for a nice home-cooked meal.

Posted
Second, just let me be the man. Men generally like traditional women. I personally love women who LOVE being women. These types of women expect the man to pay, and that's the way I like it.

 

I agree with this. And it doesn't mean you're a weak woman, or a woman who can't hold her own. It just means that you're being gracious, ladylike, etc.

 

Look at Judith Martin, more commonly known as Miss Manners. She's had a very successful career (and I don't mean as an advice columnist), has a very sharp wit, and no one would mess with her. But she's also very gracious to people.

Posted

Being forceful about paying usually sends the signal that you don't want him spending money on you because you don't expect the relationship to go anywhere and you don't want to owe him anything.

 

Offering is one thing, and if the guy accepts great, but if he is trying to do something nice for you and you reject it, it makes the guy think you don't see much happening.

 

Look at it from a guy's perspective-We try to figure out crazy hidden signals all the time and when a woman insists on paying it's USUALLY one of the more clear signals to the guy that you don't want him to invest anything in you, financially or emotionally.

 

sally4sara said it shows maybe he does not respect your wishes, but if he wishes to pay and he proposed the date, should she not respect his wishes?

Posted
Being forceful about paying usually sends the signal that you don't want him spending money on you because you don't expect the relationship to go anywhere and you don't want to owe him anything.

 

Offering is one thing, and if the guy accepts great, but if he is trying to do something nice for you and you reject it, it makes the guy think you don't see much happening.

 

Look at it from a guy's perspective-We try to figure out crazy hidden signals all the time and when a woman insists on paying it's USUALLY one of the more clear signals to the guy that you don't want him to invest anything in you, financially or emotionally.

 

sally4sara said it shows maybe he does not respect your wishes, but if he wishes to pay and he proposed the date, should she not respect his wishes?

 

With me, there are no crazy mixed signals to figure out. That sounds like a headache. There is no reason to believe that if I'm not wanting your money I don't want your time or emotions.

 

Money is not everything and that is the point. If I'm not letting you rely on your money, you must show me something else about yourself. Also, if I subscribe to your theory and a guy accepts me paying my bill, I should conclude HE isn't interested in ME? That is how you're saying it works if I don't let him pay for me, right?

 

For me, it is part of wanting absolutely nothing to do with men who think money makes them men and do not subscribe to rigid gender roles. I'm not materialistic and I like to be very laid back and go with the flow. If I end up with a guy who is pushy about such a small thing even from the first date, I can't be me, I gotta be pushy too or I get drown out. I don't like being pushy, but I will if I'm pushed there.

 

And I, like in the OP would say something before we're in the middle of the date whenever possible, so if a guy must date a broke flailing maiden type, he can change his mind.

 

Plus I too asked out the men I found interesting rather than just waited around to get asked by guys who were not on my mind until Mr. Right showed up. In fact, when Mr. Right DID show up, I asked him out and I paid. ;)

Posted
Yes, another one of these 'who pays' threads- sorry. I have a date lined up for next week and he told me to pick where ever I want to go. He said it doesn't matter where- because he's paying. I said no, thank you, I prefer to pay my own way.

 

He playfully- and I stress playfully- said then we don't have to go if I don't want to let him pay. He's adamant. I know I make much, much more than he does. My roommates think I should let him pay- but it really makes me uncomfortable. Is there any way to do this without coming off like a complete B? I sincerely would like to pay for myself.

 

thanks LSers!

 

The person who extends the invitation PAYS... that's just IT.

 

 

Lay that down firmly, and if he isn't entirely in-line with it, just walk away even if you never went out with him.

 

When somebody calls you up and asks you if you want to go to his third cousin's high school curling match... you don't HAVE to want to go, and you certainly don't have to go.

 

So if this guy calls you and invites you to the Taj Mahal and for dinner and drinks at an impressive high society gathering afterward - you don't have to accept.

 

Just turn around and invite him to some random event/place next week, and because you extended the invitation for that one, you get to pay.

 

Women still have all the power here, and every chess match simply must have more than the first move.

  • Author
Posted
With me, there are no crazy mixed signals to figure out. That sounds like a headache. There is no reason to believe that if I'm not wanting your money I don't want your time or emotions.

 

Money is not everything and that is the point. If I'm not letting you rely on your money, you must show me something else about yourself. Also, if I subscribe to your theory and a guy accepts me paying my bill, I should conclude HE isn't interested in ME? That is how you're saying it works if I don't let him pay for me, right?

 

For me, it is part of wanting absolutely nothing to do with men who think money makes them men and do not subscribe to rigid gender roles. I'm not materialistic and I like to be very laid back and go with the flow. If I end up with a guy who is pushy about such a small thing even from the first date, I can't be me, I gotta be pushy too or I get drown out. I don't like being pushy, but I will if I'm pushed there.

 

And I, like in the OP would say something before we're in the middle of the date whenever possible, so if a guy must date a broke flailing maiden type, he can change his mind.

 

Plus I too asked out the men I found interesting rather than just waited around to get asked by guys who were not on my mind until Mr. Right showed up. In fact, when Mr. Right DID show up, I asked him out and I paid. ;)

 

 

Thanks, you seem to be the only one that agrees. I simply don't understand why I must let him pay and clearly am not trying to be rude about it, hence my reason for making this thread. I'm not GOING to let him pay, I'm just trying to figure out the least rude way to go about doing it.

 

I see all these threads about how woman expect the guy to pay and its not fair and lalala, and now I'm suggesting I'd like to pay and everyone seems to think I shouldn't. Goodness! In other words, if I don't let him pay I'm not being lady like? That sounds absolutely ridiculous. I have no problem letting him pay if we're in a relationship from time to time but it seems contrived on the first date, no?

Posted

why not just pick... oh say outback, and tell him you have a gift card.... heck- it might even be a good gift card and you can pay for his meal too!!!

 

and getting a gift card for where you want to go is not hard.... just pick a place you would like to go and see if they have gift certificates you can buy... for whatever you think your meal and drink may cost and do it!

Posted

Most women wouldn't mind letting the guy pay on the first date ( myself included) but more power to you for wanting to pay.

 

Why don't you try compromising? Pay for your own share.

 

Normally for me, if the dinner was too expensive, but the guy was willing to pay, I would say " Hey thanks for dinner, would you like some dessert? My treat".

 

I understand that sometimes it does feel uncomfortable having the guy pay for everything because that's more traditional, but I always make up for things by getting the next tab.

Posted
Thanks, you seem to be the only one that agrees. I simply don't understand why I must let him pay and clearly am not trying to be rude about it, hence my reason for making this thread. I'm not GOING to let him pay, I'm just trying to figure out the least rude way to go about doing it.

 

I see all these threads about how woman expect the guy to pay and its not fair and lalala, and now I'm suggesting I'd like to pay and everyone seems to think I shouldn't. Goodness! In other words, if I don't let him pay I'm not being lady like? That sounds absolutely ridiculous. I have no problem letting him pay if we're in a relationship from time to time but it seems contrived on the first date, no?

boy you sound like a fun date

 

why dont you forget the date and just go buy yourself a big mac and be done with it

  • Author
Posted

Why don't you try compromising? Pay for your own share.

.

 

Oh, gosh! I was only intending on paying for myself... not both of us!

  • Author
Posted
boy you sound like a fun date

 

why dont you forget the date and just go buy yourself a big mac and be done with it

 

gee, thanks, you sound like a real treat yourself.

Posted
Oh, gosh! I was only intending on paying for myself... not both of us!

 

the compromise is the dessert.

Posted
gee, thanks, you sound like a real treat yourself.

 

ive been on many dates with women like you.

 

always have to have your way

 

love drama(i mean, you havent even been out with this dude.. and ..already)

 

but the worst trait, in my experience, is women like you.. who have such issues with letting the guy just pay the bill: never and i mean NEVER shut the **** up... and nag well into the night...every night.

Posted
ive been on many dates with women like you.

 

always have to have your way

 

love drama(i mean, you havent even been out with this dude.. and ..already)

 

but the worst trait, in my experience, is women like you.. who have such issues with letting the guy just pay the bill: never and i mean NEVER shut the **** up... and nag well into the night...every night.

 

dh- seriously? that was a bit harsh...... don'cha think?

Posted
Oh, gosh! I was only intending on paying for myself... not both of us!

Um did you misunderstood me? That's what I said. Pay for your own share.

Posted
dh- seriously? that was a bit harsh...... don'cha think?

 

seriously :)

 

I didnt mean it to be harsh....it's just the truth as I know it. :D

 

I personally like laid back, easy to get along with women and this behavior out of the gate turns me off big time. It's just easier to start with a fresh woman who not only doesnt have a problem with me paying, but doesnt even think about it. If she wants to pay, by say... date 5, then that's cool with me. If a woman makes who is paying a topic of conversation on the first date, like I said, I move on, for multiple reasons... not the least of which is past experiences with these types.

×
×
  • Create New...