klm885 Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 (edited) Hello, I am seventeen years old and my boyfriend is eighteen. I met my boyfriend when I was sixteen after a hard break up with my ex who was his best friend. I am having such a huge conflict here's how my story goes, I'm going to use code names so I do not reveal these real people. My current boyfriend's name will be Sam and my ex will be called Jack: I never knew Sam (my current boyfriend codename), I knew his friend first (Jack) so I know that I was not unfair to my current boyfriend because I never knew him before Jack. I had never even met him or ever heard about him. My ex, Jack, is a very disloyal, and untrustworthy person. He has had sex with over 22 different women. I met him when he had sex with 11 or 12. When I began talking to him, I wasn't really impressed. I just didn't click with him as I had hoped. My friend and her boyfriend (who happened to also be friends with Jack and Sam) began to severely alter my thinking. They had tricked me into believing he was a good guy and I was totally unaware of his past. I feel so terrible for ever giving him a chance. Jack and I eventually dated and he tricked me and lied to me repeatedly. Jack then became a lot more forceful and had begun to frighten me. He often would give me serve threats and even eventually pinned me down to have sex with him. I feel terrible because I was so scared and it was my virginity he stole away from me. I also feel so bad because I know that it was partly my fault and I feel disgusting. I feel like such a slut and so worthless. A few weeks later after I racked the courage to finally end it with Jack (We only dated a few days), I hung out with Sam randomly. He was so nice and we just clicked instantly. We shortly began talking and he finally asked me out. I was so happy and I truly fell in love with him. We finally had sex and it felt so special and so wonderful to me. He was a virgin and I explained what happened to me.... After we started having sex we started to have a few problems. He began to obsess over my past life and dwell on it. He cut off his relationship with Jack. After about four or five months he began to lie and hang out with people behind my back while I stayed at home for him because he got very jealous of other guys. He began cutting and feeling hopeless. He entered a horrible depression and it really altered our relationship. I couldn't understand why he used it against me so much and I felt like less of a person. He claimed he loved me and I know that he does it's just that the situation has gotten so difficult. We dated for seven months. He broke up with me a few days ago after having such a long relationship and is already dating a new girl. He has only known her for a couple days and I am so jealous and upset. I cannot eat, cannot function, cannot do anything. I have cut myself from friends and everything. His jealousness hurt me. The fact that he hurt truly hurt me. I wanna get back together with him so bad. I did a lot of research and apparently this isn't a rare problem. I know having sex sometimes becomes a competition for some guys and he is dating this girl just to have sex with her. I feel terrible because we still talk and he still confesses everything to me. I am so angry but I want him back. My main question for advice is how should I handle this? I know that him having sex with her will change his opinion of me because he told me that he doesn't judge her because she has had sex with someone before she will eventually have sex with Sam. I am very sad and I hurt very much. He told me over and over and even shed tears that he really wishes to be with me just he cannot deal with the pain and heart ache right now. Should I let him just have sex with her and expect him to come back to me? Or should I just move on? He doesn't ask to have sex so I know that he does deep down really care about me and everyone around me really believes that he will come back. I am just so confused and so lonely. Please, any advice will help. Edited November 7, 2009 by klm885
tinktronik Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Hello, I am seventeen years old and my boyfriend is eighteen. I met my boyfriend when I was sixteen after a hard break up with my ex who was his best friend. I am having such a huge conflict here's how my story goes, I'm going to use code names so I do not reveal these real people. My current boyfriend's name will be Sam and my ex will be called Jack: I never knew Sam (my current boyfriend codename), I knew his friend first (Jack) so I know that I was not unfair to my current boyfriend because I never knew him before Jack. I had never even met him or ever heard about him. My ex, Jack, is a very disloyal, and untrustworthy person. He has had sex with over 22 different women. I met him when he had sex with 11 or 12. When I began talking to him, I wasn't really impressed. I just didn't click with him as I had hoped. My friend and her boyfriend (who happened to also be friends with Jack and Sam) began to severely alter my thinking. They had tricked me into believing he was a good guy and I was totally unaware of his past. I feel so terrible for ever giving him a chance. Jack and I eventually dated and he tricked me and lied to me repeatedly. Jack then became a lot more forceful and had begun to frighten me. He often would give me serve threats and even eventually pinned me down to have sex with him. I feel terrible because I was so scared and it was my virginity he stole away from me. I also feel so bad because I know that it was partly my fault and I feel disgusting. I feel like such a slut and so worthless. A few weeks later after I racked the courage to finally end it with Jack (We only dated a few days), I hung out with Sam randomly. He was so nice and we just clicked instantly. We shortly began talking and he finally asked me out. I was so happy and I truly fell in love with him. We finally had sex and it felt so special and so wonderful to me. He was a virgin and I explained what happened to me.... After we started having sex we started to have a few problems. He began to obsess over my past life and dwell on it. He cut off his relationship with Jack. After about four or five months he began to lie and hang out with people behind my back while I stayed at home for him because he got very jealous of other guys. He began cutting and feeling hopeless. He entered a horrible depression and it really altered our relationship. I couldn't understand why he used it against me so much and I felt like less of a person. He claimed he loved me and I know that he does it's just that the situation has gotten so difficult. We dated for seven months. He broke up with me a few days ago after having such a long relationship and is already dating a new girl. He has only known her for a couple days and I am so jealous and upset. I cannot eat, cannot function, cannot do anything. I have cut myself from friends and everything. His jealous hurt me. The fact that he hurt truly hurt me. I wanna get back together with him so bad. I did a lot of research and apparently this isn't a rare problem. I know having sex sometimes becomes a competition for some guys and he is dating this girl just to have sex with her. I feel terrible because we still talk and he still confesses everything to me. I am so angry but I want him back. My main question for advice is how should I handle this? I know that him having sex with her will change his opinion of me because he told me that he doesn't judge her because she has had sex with someone before she will eventually have sex with Sam. I am very sad and I hurt very much. He told me over and over and even shed tears that he really wishes to be with me just he cannot deal with the pain and heart ache right now. Should I let him just have sex with her and expect him to come back to me? Or should I just move on? The above bolded section is what you should be focused on. What he did was rape. Holding you down and forcing you to have sex with them is absolutely rape, no question. I understand that right now your focus is getting back with Sam and for now you may need to put that aside and deal with whatever issues were caused during the short time you knew Jack. I have a couple of questions for you. Are your parents aware that you're sexually active? Is this a situation where you could make your mother or father or another close relative or adult friend aware of what's happened to you?
Author klm885 Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 I have a couple of questions for you. Are your parents aware that you're sexually active? Is this a situation where you could make your mother or father or another close relative or adult friend aware of what's happened to you? My parents are aware that I am sexually active. They are also fully okay with it. Well, I know my mother whom I live with is a bit disappointed but she accepts me. She really likes Sam though. Both my parents met Sam. I have a really hard time opening up to anyone about anything that makes me unhappy. I have told my mother that I have had sex with one other person besides Sam and I have told her our full situation. No one but Sam knows what happened to me. I finally confessed to him last night when we were on the phone. He really felt so terrible and he really sounded concerned and he even said it was rape. He has been friends with Jack before and he told me that Jack has done this to many other girls.
dreamergrl Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 If Jack forced himself on you, you need to go to someone with this information. It is not healthy to hold it in. I'd be dealing with that before worrying about a new boyfriend. It also sounds like Sam has his own issues, and he has to come to terms with those himself.
Author klm885 Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 If Jack forced himself on you, you need to go to someone with this information. It is not healthy to hold it in. I'd be dealing with that before worrying about a new boyfriend. It also sounds like Sam has his own issues, and he has to come to terms with those himself. I don't know, the main issue that comes to mind for me is being with Sam. That's who I really want right now and I feel empty without him.
tinktronik Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 If Jack forced himself on you, you need to go to someone with this information. It is not healthy to hold it in. I'd be dealing with that before worrying about a new boyfriend. It also sounds like Sam has his own issues, and he has to come to terms with those himself. I absolutely agree with this. I know right now you are focused on how to work things out with Sam. In the meantime, why don't you print out your original post and have your mom read it. Believe it or not she once was 17 too and can probably help you with how to deal with both issues. In order to put your life in a place where you can make choices about why you want to be with Sam or anyone else, you need to come to terms with what happened to you.
dreamergrl Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 I don't know, the main issue that comes to mind for me is being with Sam. That's who I really want right now and I feel empty without him. You're main issue should be coming to terms with being raped. You're 17, many other guys will come along. There will be Sam, Bob, George, Greg, Matt, ect ect. If Sam is truly who you should be with, he'll be there after he gets himself together and after you deal with what happened to you.
Author klm885 Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 You're main issue should be coming to terms with being raped. You're 17, many other guys will come along. There will be Sam, Bob, George, Greg, Matt, ect ect. If Sam is truly who you should be with, he'll be there after he gets himself together and after you deal with what happened to you. Alright..I am thinking of informing my parents or someone, is that a good idea? And should I wait around for Sam then while he is dealing with himself and I deal with my problem?
dreamergrl Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Alright..I am thinking of informing my parents or someone, is that a good idea? And should I wait around for Sam then while he is dealing with himself and I deal with my problem? Put Sam on the back burner. Dating shouldn't be a concern. Dealing with what happened to you should be the concern.
tinktronik Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Put Sam on the back burner. Dating shouldn't be a concern. Dealing with what happened to you should be the concern. This is dead on good advice. Inform an adult of what happened and then after you've dealt with that you can see where you sit with Sam or anyone else.
Author klm885 Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 Put Sam on the back burner. Dating shouldn't be a concern. Dealing with what happened to you should be the concern. OK. I am just so confused right now with everything and beginning to resolve these conflicts really is difficult for me. I don't respect myself anymore so I find it very hard to care about the past. All my mind wonders off to is Sam and how badly I miss him. I guess I should be concerned about Jack but I really told myself I would cut all ties with him. I often times feel very alone all of you are helping me tremendously.
dreamergrl Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 OK. I am just so confused right now with everything and beginning to resolve these conflicts really is difficult for me. I don't respect myself anymore so I find it very hard to care about the past. All my mind wonders off to is Sam and how badly I miss him. I guess I should be concerned about Jack but I really told myself I would cut all ties with him. I often times feel very alone all of you are helping me tremendously. Your feelings and ties about what happened with Jack wont go away until you come to terms with what happened. Sam is like a distraction for you, but it's not a healthy distraction. Sam obviously has his own problems. Once you start dealing, things will be easier, but until then it will be hard. Dealing with this now will help you in the future. It will make you stronger. It will also be less likely that it will have a negative impact on you as you get older. Bottling up traumatic events and emotions will only cause issues later on.
Author klm885 Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 Your feelings and ties about what happened with Jack wont go away until you come to terms with what happened. Sam is like a distraction for you, but it's not a healthy distraction. Sam obviously has his own problems. Once you start dealing, things will be easier, but until then it will be hard. Dealing with this now will help you in the future. It will make you stronger. It will also be less likely that it will have a negative impact on you as you get older. Bottling up traumatic events and emotions will only cause issues later on. I see what you are saying. Is there any way that you could advise me on how to let Sam go for now. My head is mixed with all kinds of emotions and feelings and it's very hard to be myself now.
dreamergrl Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 I see what you are saying. Is there any way that you could advise me on how to let Sam go for now. My head is mixed with all kinds of emotions and feelings and it's very hard to be myself now. Go talk to a school counselor. Start a journal. Start processing your feelings. Concentrate on other things. Put your focus else where. Spend time with friends. Do something you enjoy.
Author klm885 Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 Go talk to a school counselor. Start a journal. Start processing your feelings. Concentrate on other things. Put your focus else where. Spend time with friends. Do something you enjoy. Well I told my mother about it and she is extremely angry and I am not sure what she is going to do. I felt really ashamed of myself but in a way it feels like something has been lifted off my chest. I am still very upset about Sam because I really depend on him..
dreamergrl Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Well I told my mother about it and she is extremely angry and I am not sure what she is going to do. I felt really ashamed of myself but in a way it feels like something has been lifted off my chest. I am still very upset about Sam because I really depend on him.. Well it is time to stop depending on him. And stop bringing this back to him. I still think you should talk to a counselor or therapist about it. Mothers will have a different reaction because they are suppose to 'protect' us. When something bad happens to us, they don't always know how to deal.
tinktronik Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Well I told my mother about it and she is extremely angry and I am not sure what she is going to do. I felt really ashamed of myself but in a way it feels like something has been lifted off my chest. I am still very upset about Sam because I really depend on him.. I'm glad you told your mother about it. Give her a few days to think it over and talk to her about seeing a therapist.
Brady_to_Moss Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 I find it strange that you're under the age of 18 and you're parents are ok with you having sex. You HAVE to get your ex in trouble for what he did. Make him pay. Scum like that need to be locked up no matter what age....makes me sick reading about it. Boy would i like to meet that guy. Sorry. Just really upset about what happened to you...you will get through it. Talk to your mom more about it. Is she mad at you? or the situation?
Author klm885 Posted November 8, 2009 Author Posted November 8, 2009 I find it strange that you're under the age of 18 and you're parents are ok with you having sex. You HAVE to get your ex in trouble for what he did. Make him pay. Scum like that need to be locked up no matter what age....makes me sick reading about it. Boy would i like to meet that guy. Sorry. Just really upset about what happened to you...you will get through it. Talk to your mom more about it. Is she mad at you? or the situation? She's not angry at me for it but she was angry when she heard about it. My mother isn't really tough on me with things like sex and etc even though I am honestly not very active considering my situation. I know she is disappointed but she knows that she cannot control my sex life it is more of my choice. Maybe it's because I'm almost 18 or that I haven't lied to her, I honestly don't know. I also know that she worries about me, though and she cares extremely. I feel very depressed and ashamed of myself. I am scared to get him in trouble because I am scared that I am bringing back the past..I am very scared of the reactions of his parents, etc.
Treasa Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 I feel very depressed and ashamed of myself. I am scared to get him in trouble because I am scared that I am bringing back the past..I am very scared of the reactions of his parents, etc. This is why so many women don't report rape - shame and fear. And the rapist continues to do the same thing to other women. I know you're upset about Sam, but dreamergrl and others have given you some excellent advice. You should be focused on yourself right now, not Sam. Besides, it sounds as though he has a lot of issues he needs to work through. He's not healthy for you right now. I know it's hard to see yourself as anything but the age you are, but when you're older, you'll be very glad you dealt with this. It will make you stronger. Whatever you do, don't feel ashamed. You aren't a slut, and you didn't deserve this.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 Wow, this thread certainly have become an impressive one after the lengthy read that was the original post. I for one am so glad, and so impressed that klm885 was bold enough to tell her mother. That is such the right move. And you know what it indicates the most, that klm885 is someone who has enough self-preservation instincts to evolve toward the therapy that would probably help a great deal. Being able to express herself is the key to the therapy from which klm885 will benefit in the future. I sense that klm885 simply yearns to invest her feelings in SOMEbody, and to make her days pass with more intrigue and interest just for having someone to think about, and imagine, and envision, and maybe even to plan the future with. That is so normal for all teen girls, but when you've been violated then it becomes much more difficult to believe that even you can find the 'normal path' (whatever that is) and avoid such personal pain in the future. I commend so many of these answers too... Go talk to a school counselor. Start a journal. Start processing your feelings. Concentrate on other things. Put your focus else where. Spend time with friends. Do something you enjoy. Starting a journal is something you could do right now, anonymously, on the internet, and it might really help. Go to one of the online diary sites and create a new one. Do so completely anonymously, and don't show it to anyone around you. Once there, try to express yourself from deep within, and just that practiced self-expression will help you to express to a therapist in the future.
Recommended Posts