dreamergrl Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 He is not that kind of guy! And I know he cares about me on SOME level. It's easy to see it's upsetting to him to see me upset. When you date him and go out with him outside of work, and have this proof... get back to me.
Author spookie Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 To tell the truth, I'm terrified to look for another job, becuase I'm still shocked that I found this one. I'm shocked that I tricked someone into hiring me, just like I'd tricked the university into letting me in, and the gifted high school before that... I have never felt like I deserved my successes. Although, rationally I do know that this time, at least I have given back as hard as I could. I really have worked hard. Maybe that can give me some confidence.
crazy_grl Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 But I know it won't happen. Jack has showed how they're allocating my time. And I have seen the forecast spreadsheets for our division. Two new people are coming in, in Jan and May of next year, and even their time has already been accounted for. There is no one to trade for my place. They could have had one of the two new kids take my spot, but chose to make new positions for them instead, leaving me where I am. The message is clear. My needs don't count, period. Which I should have known and expected. That sure sounds like an unappreciative way for the company to appreciate you. All words and no action. Are you sure it's a good fit? Spookie, I've been in a similar situation. I used to have a crush on one of my coworkers, and he seemed to like me, too. (I won't go into detail, but there were MANY indicators that he was interested, including kissing me.) He was/is a really nice guy. I even asked him once whether he would date me if we weren't working together. He said he would. I got a new job (not to be with him, just because I didn't enjoy my work) and nothing ever materialized between us. Fact is, he found me physically attractive, but he didn't think I was right for a relationship with him. None of us can know what's going on inside his head. There are still a rare few people who would never pursue a work relationship no matter how interested they were in a person. But there's no way to know if it's that or a lack of genuine interest. Usually, it's safest for sanity's sake to assume a lack of interest so you don't spend the effort pining for something that may not ever happen. If that's not possible, getting out of the situation is best.
Trimmer Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 I once knew a man who was like him, in that it appeared he cared. But it was all about his ego. Caring about someone, means doing something about it. Hold on a minute now... I know I haven't been following all the twists and turns in the Spookie 'n Jack saga, but I'm going with her own description here: He is always kidding around with me, always reassuring me and telling me I'm doing a great job, he is completely available to talk and listen, he likes having me around while he's thinking out loud, he is always on my side... he's more like a mentor to me, than a boss. Surely, if he didn't like me personally, or if I made him uncomfortable (to the point that he'd run to HR if I mentioned anything again) our R would be different.... Now, if it weren't for her apparent infatuation (no insult intended, spook - I think you would have to agree?) wouldn't this be a description of a fairly normal, positive, healthy, and supportive supervisor/mentor-employee relationship? Where do we get that it's all about his ego, that he doesn't "care", etc. Doesn't that all come from a projection of spookie's feelings onto him? Yet if we think if him as a coworker and boss, doesn't all of his behavior described here sound pretty normal, supportive, and with appropriate personal boundaries? Now, I apologize if there's some history I'm not remembering - I know this goes back a long way - so if he led her on early on and then had to back off, that might be different. But even so, if this is the way he's behaving right now, what is wrong with this as a boss-employee relationship? Now looking at this on the reverse side, he's not responsible for your feelings since you're an adult. And more to the point, since you are both adult employees, your responsibility is to do your job, and observe appropriate professional boundaries while at work.
Author spookie Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 That sure sounds like an unappreciative way for the company to appreciate you. All words and no action. Are you sure it's a good fit? Spookie, I've been in a similar situation. I used to have a crush on one of my coworkers, and he seemed to like me, too. (I won't go into detail, but there were MANY indicators that he was interested, including kissing me.) He was/is a really nice guy. I even asked him once whether he would date me if we weren't working together. He said he would. I got a new job (not to be with him, just because I didn't enjoy my work) and nothing ever materialized between us. Fact is, he found me physically attractive, but he didn't think I was right for a relationship with him. None of us can know what's going on inside his head. There are still a rare few people who would never pursue a work relationship no matter how interested they were in a person. But there's no way to know if it's that or a lack of genuine interest. Usually, it's safest for sanity's sake to assume a lack of interest so you don't spend the effort pining for something that may not ever happen. If that's not possible, getting out of the situation is best. Thanks. This honestly makes me feel better. I want to know I'm not the only person in the world who thinks finding another job is the right thing to do. Maybe a lot of people don't agree, but as long as I know i'm not INSANE....
dreamergrl Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 To tell the truth, I'm terrified to look for another job, becuase I'm still shocked that I found this one. I'm shocked that I tricked someone into hiring me, just like I'd tricked the university into letting me in, and the gifted high school before that... I have never felt like I deserved my successes. Although, rationally I do know that this time, at least I have given back as hard as I could. I really have worked hard. Maybe that can give me some confidence. I think you are terrified about it because it means putting all this behind you. Just like you wont tell him, because having this internal hope is happier for you then hearing the cold hard truth.
crazy_grl Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 To tell the truth, I'm terrified to look for another job, becuase I'm still shocked that I found this one. I'm shocked that I tricked someone into hiring me, just like I'd tricked the university into letting me in, and the gifted high school before that... I doubt you tricked anybody. They hired you because they thought you would be a hard worker and good at the job. Aren't you? If you're good at this job, you can be good at another.
Author spookie Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 Hold on a minute now... I know I haven't been following all the twists and turns in the Spookie 'n Jack saga, but I'm going with her own description here: Now, if it weren't for her apparent infatuation (no insult intended, spook - I think you would have to agree?) wouldn't this be a description of a fairly normal, positive, healthy, and supportive supervisor/mentor-employee relationship? Where do we get that it's all about his ego, that he doesn't "care", etc. Doesn't that all come from a projection of spookie's feelings onto him? Yet if we think if him as a coworker and boss, doesn't all of his behavior described here sound pretty normal, supportive, and with appropriate personal boundaries? Now, I apologize if there's some history I'm not remembering - I know this goes back a long way - so if he led her on early on and then had to back off, that might be different. But even so, if this is the way he's behaving right now, what is wrong with this as a boss-employee relationship? And more to the point, since you are both adult employees, your responsibility is to do your job, and observe appropriate professional boundaries while at work. I am fulfilling this responsibility to a t!! (Or whatever that expression's supposed to be...) I even make it a point not to ask him about his weekend!!
Author spookie Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 I doubt you tricked anybody. They hired you because they thought you would be a hard worker and good at the job. Aren't you? If you're good at this job, you can be good at another. Yes, I am. My point is just that, due to having been a slacker my whole life until now, I still don't have confidence in my ability to work hard.
Author spookie Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 I think you are terrified about it because it means putting all this behind you. Just like you wont tell him, because having this internal hope is happier for you then hearing the cold hard truth. No... truthfully, I recognize that this internal hope IS pleasant, but that I want something more REALLY hard. With or without him...
crazy_grl Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Where do we get that it's all about his ego, that he doesn't "care", etc. Doesn't that all come from a projection of spookie's feelings onto him? Yet if we think if him as a coworker and boss, doesn't all of his behavior described here sound pretty normal, supportive, and with appropriate personal boundaries? She said he sits with his knee against hers. That's not within the appropriate boundaries for a boss. Granted, it's not huge, but it does cross the the line.
Trimmer Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 I am fulfilling this responsibility to a t!! (Or whatever that expression's supposed to be...) I even make it a point not to ask him about his weekend!! Cool, and I wasn't really coming down on you - I was just questioning the idea that he's all ego and he doesn't care... Unless I'm misinterpreting, his job is to do what he is doing: motivate you and guide you to do your best work - again, while observing appropriate professional boundaries. Is there anything about his behavior that isn't in keeping with these goals? What I'm saying, sorta, and I'm not sure you'd disagree, is that the career problem here isn't something he's doing wrong, or his ego, or that he "doesn't care." That's all a product of your personal feelings, which are unfortunate, but not his responsibility. Now, if the company would be more flexible about transferring you to keep your services in-house, that would just seem to be good business practice, but they may not be aware of the risk of losing you, and it may be hard to communicate that to them professionally. Basically, you are performing very well - you have a huge uphill case to make, from a business perspective, that it would be in the company's best interest to transfer you.
Trimmer Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 She said he sits with his knee against hers. That's not within the appropriate boundaries for a boss. Granted, it's not huge, but it does cross the the line. OK, I missed that somewhere along the way. Spookie, is he behaving/has he behaved in a "personal" way toward you in other ways such as this that aren't within the bounds of professional practice? If that's the case, and he's crossing boundaries to play games, then I would reconsider my comments.
crazy_grl Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 My point is just that, due to having been a slacker my whole life until now, I still don't have confidence in my ability to work hard. I get what you're saying. All I can think to advise you is to try not to focus on that. You know you can do a good job. You just have to believe it. Who knows, you might find a job that's a better fit. If nothing else, the job hunt would give you something to do that might help get your mind off this guy.
Die Hard Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 The only people that get a clear head after smoking pot, are potheads, spookie. I know, I was a pothead for eight years. You need to quit smoking pot regularly before you do anything else. If you think it's not affecting your personality, thinking process, etc.., you'd be wrong. You're in a rut, smoking dope, obsessing about this guy. You need a new outlook and a change, and stopping the pot, imo, is the first step towards growing up a little as well. Anyway not trying to lecture you just thought I'd throw it out there.
Author spookie Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 The only people that get a clear head after smoking pot, are potheads, spookie. I know, I was a pothead for eight years. You need to quit smoking pot regularly before you do anything else. If you think it's not affecting your personality, thinking process, etc.., you'd be wrong. You're in a rut, smoking dope, obsessing about this guy. You need a new outlook and a change, and stopping the pot, imo, is the first step towards growing up a little as well. Anyway not trying to lecture you just thought I'd throw it out there. Yah, I am a pot head, functional one though. I want to quit but I am afraid of the detrimental effect that it might have on my life. I don't know if I have the skills to cope without it.
Author spookie Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 Cool, and I wasn't really coming down on you - I was just questioning the idea that he's all ego and he doesn't care... Unless I'm misinterpreting, his job is to do what he is doing: motivate you and guide you to do your best work - again, while observing appropriate professional boundaries. Is there anything about his behavior that isn't in keeping with these goals? What I'm saying, sorta, and I'm not sure you'd disagree, is that the career problem here isn't something he's doing wrong, or his ego, or that he "doesn't care." That's all a product of your personal feelings, which are unfortunate, but not his responsibility. Now, if the company would be more flexible about transferring you to keep your services in-house, that would just seem to be good business practice, but they may not be aware of the risk of losing you, and it may be hard to communicate that to them professionally. Basically, you are performing very well - you have a huge uphill case to make, from a business perspective, that it would be in the company's best interest to transfer you. I agree with everything you've said about him. However, I think he's a better boss than he needs to be. He spends too much time telling me things I don't need to know (which are still, however, job-related) for it NOT to be indicative of a better-than-average personal attraction.
Author spookie Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 She said he sits with his knee against hers. That's not within the appropriate boundaries for a boss. Granted, it's not huge, but it does cross the the line. The couple of times this has happened - I wasn't sure if he'd noticed it. It was very hot for me though. We just kept getting closer and closer, more and more engrossed in our conversation, and then his knee was touching me....
crazy_grl Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 The couple of times this has happened - I wasn't sure if he'd noticed it. It was very hot for me though. We just kept getting closer and closer, more and more engrossed in our conversation, and then his knee was touching me.... That's pretty hard not to notice. He may not have felt the same way about it, but I'd be very surprised if he wasn't aware of it.
Pink Cupcakes Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Please. He wouldn't do that He totally did this before. You must not know the whole backstory, hon.
Lucky_One Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 He is always kidding around with me, always reassuring me and telling me I'm doing a great job, he is completely available to talk and listen, he likes having me around while he's thinking out loud, he is always on my side... he's more like a mentor to me, than a boss. Surely, if he didn't like me personally, or if I made him uncomfortable (to the point that he'd run to HR if I mentioned anything again) our R would be different.... Spookie, you are very young, and this is like your first REAL job. This is EXACTLY what a good boss does. My BF does this with his entire team - all women. Four of them. Pep talks, confidence building, one-on-one meetings to brainstorm new ideas for training or for clients, mentoring them, teaching them, wanting them to succeed, applauding their successes, sending them flowers when their cats die. He already reported your admission of a crush to HR. He will do the same thing again. I haven't read the whole thread, but I hope that everyone talked you out of doing anything emotionally rash.
klm885 Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 As a matter of fact I do. At least, I know his address. But come on, that would be so creepy. I think doing it in person makes it so much better. That's how it happened for me.
dreamergrl Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Spookie, I think you are turning his day to day interaction, that is really normal for a boss into something more. This is really not healthy. I think it is time for you to check out on this job, at least working with this guy.
Die Hard Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 (edited) Yah, I am a pot head, functional one though. I want to quit but I am afraid of the detrimental effect that it might have on my life. I don't know if I have the skills to cope without it. I think you can do better than being functional spookie. You gotta set your sights higher than that. Honestly, do you think Jack wants to get involved with a pothead? Would it be fair to him to start a relationship with him while you're smoking pot? Would it be fair to yourself? It's really not that hard to stop(I promise)...the first three days are the worst and after that it starts getting better already. As far as being afraid, I can understand. It is scary. You have to start dealing with reality. A scary thing after having smoked pot to avoid it. It's not like pot is going anywhere. You can always start again...but why not give sobriety a chance? I can tell you from experience that sobriety can be a trip after being stoned for years Also, you're not the same person you were when you started smoking. Why not stop for awhile and see were you're at, emotionally speaking, etc..? Fwiw, I was a chronic every day user. I have nothing against pot. It was my friend for a long time but sometimes you outgrow certain friends but you don't realize it until you spend some time away from each other Edited November 7, 2009 by Die Hard
Author spookie Posted November 8, 2009 Author Posted November 8, 2009 I think you can do better than being functional spookie. You gotta set your sights higher than that. Honestly, do you think Jack wants to get involved with a pothead? Would it be fair to him to start a relationship with him while you're smoking pot? Would it be fair to yourself? It's really not that hard to stop(I promise)...the first three days are the worst and after that it starts getting better already. As far as being afraid, I can understand. It is scary. You have to start dealing with reality. A scary thing after having smoked pot to avoid it. It's not like pot is going anywhere. You can always start again...but why not give sobriety a chance? I can tell you from experience that sobriety can be a trip after being stoned for years Also, you're not the same person you were when you started smoking. Why not stop for awhile and see were you're at, emotionally speaking, etc..? Fwiw, I was a chronic every day user. I have nothing against pot. It was my friend for a long time but sometimes you outgrow certain friends but you don't realize it until you spend some time away from each other Wanting to be with Jack is one of the biggest reasons I want to quit. I don't necessarily think he'd have a problem with my use, but I don't want a relationship that's based on anything other than sobriety. A big reason I like Jack is that I feel chemistry with him even (especially) while I am completely sober... that hasn't happened to me with anyone in years. I have actually just run out of my stash. Now I have to decide whether I want to quit, or buy more. I want to say I want to quit, but it's 11 PM on a Saturday and I just woke up... it's an easy time to say that. The times I really need to smoke are times of stress - after work for example when I'm hating everything. We'll see how I feel Monday afternoon.
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