Author spookie Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 It's not UNHEARD of that someone wouldn't want to risk their career over a potential lovelife. Surely there could be another reason he hasn't made a move, in addition to he's not into me. You know how sometimes, the chemistry with someone builds until you know you're right about to kiss, your attraction's so magnetic it's inevitable? Well, that's always happening... except we never kiss. The "furthest" we go is he will begin explaining something to me that will require my sitting closer, like showing me how to work out a problem in my notebook, so we're both hunched over it, our heads together... feverishly writing down equations on the same page.... ... or occasionally, he will move until his knee is touching my leg. But that's about it. These sessions always end with someone walking in, him remembering he has a meeting, or else him saying, "Did that help? Do you know what to do now? Thanks...."
Author spookie Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 Can you just be straight forward and ask him "If you weren't my boss, would you consider dating me?" or something like that. Even in text/e-mail if that's easier. His reply would tell you a lot. I honestly think knowing the truthful answer to that WOULD help me immensely. I would be able to move on, which would help me view my job in a different, hopefully more professional light. But... that still leaves the question of what is an appropriate way to bring that up. During work hours, in a private meeting, strikes me as too grossly personal a use of company time. I don't want to seem like I'm coming on to him! An email, well-written, would serve my purpose best (I could obsess over his reply in private, as well) but again, I am wary of using our work accounts for that purpose... Or am I making too big a deal out of that? I need to know. If I knew I would not be so miserable.
SadandConfusedWA Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 I honestly think knowing the truthful answer to that WOULD help me immensely. I would be able to move on, which would help me view my job in a different, hopefully more professional light. But... that still leaves the question of what is an appropriate way to bring that up. During work hours, in a private meeting, strikes me as too grossly personal a use of company time. I don't want to seem like I'm coming on to him! An email, well-written, would serve my purpose best (I could obsess over his reply in private, as well) but again, I am wary of using our work accounts for that purpose... Or am I making too big a deal out of that? I need to know. If I knew I would not be so miserable. I would go via e-mail route, written outside of your work time. He is bound to reply with something since he will see you in person and he will want to avoid any awkwardness. There is a slim chance that he will forward the e-mail to HR, but I very much doubt he would do that and even if he does, HR is already aware of your crush. I don't think that there is any real risk of endangering your job. Now I would keep e-mail pretty brief and to the point. Clearly ask a question so that he knows that he needs to reply. Also, you are really seeking new information here. last time he told you that he would like to keep yours a "working relationship". Now you are asking him if you weren't working together...... I really think this would help you.
Author spookie Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 Ugh... I have been dying to know for so long. However, what would that do to our working relationship? Right now, we really do have a great, if extremely co-dependent, working relationship. We spend a lot of time together, and it's always always enjoying, even fun. We laugh so much! I don't want to make him uncomfortable, and endanger that.... However, I'm sick of spending all my free time obsessing over it, too... I'm sick of pouring all my emotional energy into being a good little worker so he can be happy....
crazy_grl Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 (edited) Maybe this has already been asked and answered, but I'm new the the situation. Spookie, why is it that you can't just find a new job and ask him out once you've given your notice? It does sound to me like he has some interest (assuming the things you've mentioned aren't total hallucinations -- I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume they're not). It might be his career that's keeping him from pursuing anything with you or it might be something else. He could be sexually attracted to you but think you're not right for a relationship with him. Or some other reason. Get a new job and you'll find out for sure. You won't have to ask him any embarrassing or creepy questions. He won't be your boss anymore, and you can simply ask "Would you like to go out sometime?" Normally, I wouldn't encourage someone to quit a job they're happy with for a potential relationship, but with how strongly this is affecting you, I think it's the best option. Edited November 6, 2009 by crazy_grl
dreamergrl Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 And how do you know he wouldn't say "If I weren't your boss, I'd date you" just to spare your feelings?
Author spookie Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 And how do you know he wouldn't say "If I weren't your boss, I'd date you" just to spare your feelings? He's both extremely honest and extremely paranoid. I don't think he'd say that if he didn't mean it. On the other hand, I would not be surprised if he found a way to dodge my question altogether. When I told him I liked him a year ago, I thought I would get all the answers I'd need. However, it resolved absolutely nothing. All he said was "I'm flattered," and then he tried to get me a transfer, but, obviously, that fell through. Finding a job comparable to this one, in this area (which I love living in) would not be easy.
Art_Critic Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 I think he will just go to HR... When you told HR that you had a thing for him and wanted transfered be guaranteed that he has instructions that if you get out of line that he must report it. Chances are you will be fired... of course there is always the chance that they won't fire you but keep you on the same probation that you are on right now ( you don't know it.. but they are watching you and have put you on some sort of internal probation ). and No Spookie.. he doesn't love you or want a relationship with you..
crazy_grl Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 When I told him I liked him a year ago, I thought I would get all the answers I'd need. However, it resolved absolutely nothing. All he said was "I'm flattered," and then he tried to get me a transfer, but, obviously, that fell through. So you've already confessed your feelings for him once before? You you, Einstein's definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Author spookie Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 Yah, I did, but that was a long time ago.... Why does everyone insist that because he did not act on that knowledge, he doens't like me? Doesn't anyone value professional integrity anymore? I'm not saying I'm certain he does, but I haven't seen a boss relationship like ours yet, either. He is always kidding around with me, always reassuring me and telling me I'm doing a great job, he is completely available to talk and listen, he likes having me around while he's thinking out loud, he is always on my side... he's more like a mentor to me, than a boss. Surely, if he didn't like me personally, or if I made him uncomfortable (to the point that he'd run to HR if I mentioned anything again) our R would be different....
xpaperxcutx Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Hold on a minute... was it you that suggested the transfer or him?
dreamergrl Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Yah, I did, but that was a long time ago.... Why does everyone insist that because he did not act on that knowledge, he doens't like me? Doesn't anyone value professional integrity anymore? I'm not saying I'm certain he does, but I haven't seen a boss relationship like ours yet, either. He is always kidding around with me, always reassuring me and telling me I'm doing a great job, he is completely available to talk and listen, he likes having me around while he's thinking out loud, he is always on my side... he's more like a mentor to me, than a boss. Surely, if he didn't like me personally, or if I made him uncomfortable (to the point that he'd run to HR if I mentioned anything again) our R would be different.... While he may like you as a co-worker and all that jazz, that doesn't mean he shares this infatuation. He knows how you feel, he'd have said or done something about it by now. Maybe help the transfer along. I think you resist telling him AGAIN because you don't want to hear the answer.
crazy_grl Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Why does everyone insist that because he did not act on that knowledge, he doens't like me? Doesn't anyone value professional integrity anymore? As I said before, I do think the things you describe indicate he has some sort of interest in you. BUT there's a reason (whether professionalism or something else) he doesn't want to pursue a relationship with you. You've already tried this type of thing before without a positive outcome. What makes you think things will be any different if you try again? He knows you like him. If he'd have changed his mind since then, he would have acted on it.
DanielMadr Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Would you be able to really move on if he rejected you after that? If yes then it might not be such a bad idea. Fear of rejection is mother of all **** ups.
DanielMadr Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 What would happen if I did that? Wow heavy artillery. Is he trapped in bombed building so you cant wait to tell him in to the eyes instead of messaging him? (giving hima massage would be even better than telling) By the way its not very smart to use mobile phones in close proximity to live ordnance;)
Author spookie Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 Yes, I know he does not want a relationship with me at this time. I'm also coming to the conclusion that there's no point in telling him I like him again, either. It's not going to accomplish anything, except possibly making our work lives much more awkward. Something needs to change... but that it looks like that might have to be my job, unfortunately. Regardless of how great a fit I think this company is for me, otherwise. It's very sad.
dreamergrl Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Yes, I know he does not want a relationship with me at this time. I'm also coming to the conclusion that there's no point in telling him I like him again, either. It's not going to accomplish anything, except possibly making our work lives much more awkward. Something needs to change... but that it looks like that might have to be my job, unfortunately. Regardless of how great a fit I think this company is for me, otherwise. It's very sad. I think you'd be quitting your job over nothing. Unless it's to get past this whole ordeal.
crazy_grl Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 (edited) I feel for you, spookie. I'm also coming to the conclusion that there's no point in telling him I like him again, either. It's not going to accomplish anything, except possibly making our work lives much more awkward. I think you're right. If something about your situation had changed, it might be worth attempting again, but everything sounds like it's still the same as the first time you tried. So you can't expect his answer to be different now, ESPECIALLY if the reason he doesn't pursue anything is that he's concerned about his career. That obstacle is still there. Even if he doesn't want a relationship with you no matter what, the change would allow you to move on. You'd know for sure whether or not it was your jobs that were in the way and you wouldn't be tortured seeing him every day. -- Make sure you're prepared for the possibility that he won't want a relationship even after you quit. He may or may not. Be smart about it. Don't do anything that would bankrupt yourself for the chance to be with him. Is there a possibility that you could try for the transfer again so you don't have to leave the company all together? Maybe something within the company has changed that would make it possible now. Edited November 6, 2009 by crazy_grl
threebyfate Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Yah, I did, but that was a long time ago.... Why does everyone insist that because he did not act on that knowledge, he doens't like me? Doesn't anyone value professional integrity anymore? I'm not saying I'm certain he does, but I haven't seen a boss relationship like ours yet, either. He is always kidding around with me, always reassuring me and telling me I'm doing a great job, he is completely available to talk and listen, he likes having me around while he's thinking out loud, he is always on my side... he's more like a mentor to me, than a boss. Surely, if he didn't like me personally, or if I made him uncomfortable (to the point that he'd run to HR if I mentioned anything again) our R would be different....spook, I think he enjoys the ego boost.
Trimmer Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 Chances are you will be fired... of course there is always the chance that they won't fire you but keep you on the same probation that you are on right now ( you don't know it.. but they are watching you and have put you on some sort of internal probation ). "Double secret probation" no doubt.
Author spookie Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 spook, I think he enjoys the ego boost. He is not that kind of guy! And I know he cares about me on SOME level. It's easy to see it's upsetting to him to see me upset.
threebyfate Posted November 6, 2009 Posted November 6, 2009 He is not that kind of guy! And I know he cares about me on SOME level. It's easy to see it's upsetting to him to see me upset.I once knew a man who was like him, in that it appeared he cared. But it was all about his ego. Caring about someone, means doing something about it. Now looking at this on the reverse side, he's not responsible for your feelings since you're an adult.
Author spookie Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 I feel for you, spookie. I think you're right. If something about your situation had changed, it might be worth attempting again, but everything sounds like it's still the same as the first time you tried. So you can't expect his answer to be different now, ESPECIALLY if the reason he doesn't pursue anything is that he's concerned about his career. That obstacle is still there. Even if he doesn't want a relationship with you no matter what, the change would allow you to move on. You'd know for sure whether or not it was your jobs that were in the way and you wouldn't be tortured seeing him every day. -- Make sure you're prepared for the possibility that he won't want a relationship even after you quit. He may or may not. Be smart about it. Don't do anything that would bankrupt yourself for the chance to be with him. Is there a possibility that you could try for the transfer again so you don't have to leave the company all together? Maybe something within the company has changed that would make it possible now. I have tried going for a transfer again - a couple of months ago. It went like this: I scheduled a meeting with our HR person, she treated me like a crazy person, but said she'd speak w/ the head of our division. Following that convo she was a lot nicer. She said the good news was, she was surprised by how much they valued me. However, unfort. they need me where I am. The next day I got a thank you card from the division head. He gave it to Jack to give to me. Jack didn't know what it was. Anyway, later the HR lady followed up to say that perhaps in Jan. or Feb. I'd get a transfer. But I know it won't happen. Jack has showed how they're allocating my time. And I have seen the forecast spreadsheets for our division. Two new people are coming in, in Jan and May of next year, and even their time has already been accounted for. There is no one to trade for my place. They could have had one of the two new kids take my spot, but chose to make new positions for them instead, leaving me where I am. The message is clear. My needs don't count, period. Which I should have known and expected.
Author spookie Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 I once knew a man who was like him, in that it appeared he cared. But it was all about his ego. Caring about someone, means doing something about it. Now looking at this on the reverse side, he's not responsible for your feelings since you're an adult. What does caring for your career - for BOTH of our careers - mean? I think his job is a huge part of who he is. I think he cares about me, but cares about his job more. I think he cares about me a little - but enough not to feel a sick pleasure in watching me pine.
Author spookie Posted November 6, 2009 Author Posted November 6, 2009 (edited) Ok, I have smoked, and I am feeling much more clear-headed. I should be focusing on all the other changes that I need to make to my life. Like getting a different job... if I ever hope to date ANYONE again. (Can't date him while he is my boss, can't date anyone else while I feel like this AND I have to see him every day.) Step 1: at least START the process of finding said different job. Maybe now is not the right time to be job-hunting, with so many unemployed, and, more importantly, my lack of diploma... but there are so many things I need to do before I can even start applying, why procrastinate? Like graduating once and for all... I have applied for re-admission - there are so many hoops to jump through, but at least I won't have to physically go back there - I never want to go back to Texas. Step 2: Get a resume...... Edited November 6, 2009 by spookie
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