Lowering Standards/Settling

[always_searching]

Do you feel you've lowered your standards and/or settled on your current significant other? By "lowering standards" and "settling" I mean that you feel as though you could do better, or that you deserve better, but, for whatever reason, decided to settle for your significant other rather than to wait to find genuine happiness with your "true love"?

 

If you have settled, why have you done so, and are you are happy/content in the relationship viz. would you do it again? Finally, if you have settled on your significant other, would you end the relationship if you found someone else whom you felt could better meet your original standards?

 

Also, if you haven't currently settled for anyone: would you settle and, if so, why?

Edited November 5, 2009 by always_searching

[Lovegod]

I don't think I lowered my standards or settled, but I know I can always do better. I think the key for those who are looking for a relationship is to find that happy high standard. If you kept looking for the best, you would never find someone to be with. You need to set a limit somewhere.

 

Also, I don't believe in "true love". That's just a load of hogwash created by the media and Disney.

[mushmush]

I have not settled for second best and I never will.

If I did it would mean I would be giving up on myself and my values.

 

Besides I could never be happy knowing that I have lowered my standards for someone and in turn I would not treat them as best I could.

 

I would prefer to be alone than to settle for second best. Thats just seond best for me.. Does not have to be perfect but I do have to be happy

[always_searching]

Also, I don't believe in "true love". That's just a load of hogwash created by the media and Disney.

 

LOL, well, Lovegod, I wouldn't expect you to.

 

So, if you believe you can always do better, do you believe in any sort of long term commitment? I ask, because it seems that long term commitment would be impossible if you are only interested in those who meet your highest standard--there will always be someone who better fits your "standard" than your current significant other i.e. someone taller, slimmer, etc.

 

Oh, and side-note: "True Love" was created long before the media and Disney. The philosopher Plato came up with the concept of soulmates way back in the B.C.'s.

[threebyfate]

Do you feel you've lowered your standards and/or settled on your current significant other?

No way. He's a wonderful man.

By "lowering standards" and "settling" I mean that you feel as though you could do better, or that you deserve better, but, for whatever reason, decided to settle for your significant other rather than to wait to find genuine happiness with your "true love"?

Not applicable.

If you have settled, why have you done so, and are you are happy/content in the relationship viz. would you do it again?

Not applicable.

Finally, if you have settled on your significant other, would you end the relationship if you found someone else whom you felt could better meet your original standards?

Since I didn't settle, no way. I'm not a grass is greener type of person.

Also, if you haven't currently settled for anyone: would you settle and, if so, why?

I've never settled.

[Lovegod]

So, if you believe you can always do better, do you believe in any sort of long term commitment? I ask, because it seems that long term commitment would be impossible if you are only interested in those who meet your highest standard--there will always be someone who better fits your "standard" than your current significant other i.e. someone taller, slimmer, etc.

 

That's why I mentioned you need to set a limit with how long you're going to search. I could search forever, but I'd always keep raising the standard and never reach any sort of relationship goal.

 

Oh, and side-note: "True Love" was created long before the media and Disney. The philosopher Plato came up with the concept of soulmates way back in the B.C.'s.

 

Well, Plato can lick my balls. What a prick for coming up with such a stupid concept.

[BG1985]

Back in the day, some group of Greeks or Romans treated women as second-class citizens who were used only for procreation. The idea was that true love could only exist between equals, i.e. men. It was a sort of "mentoring" relationship between an older man and a younger man. I believe it even got a tad sexual.

[always_searching]

Back in the day, some group of Greeks or Romans treated women as second-class citizens who were used only for procreation. The idea was that true love could only exist between equals, i.e. men. It was a sort of "mentoring" relationship between an older man and a younger man. I believe it even got a tad sexual.

 

Oh, Plato never said anything about women being second-class citizens. That was Aristotle...

 

Now, the sexuality issue is something entirely different.

[always_searching]

Well, Plato can lick my balls. What a prick for coming up with such a stupid concept.

 

It's a beautiful concept--there is someone for everyone. Well, actually, it's more than that: there is someone out there who is literally perfect for me, because he is me!

 

It may not be correct, but the ideology is superbly beautiful and not deserving of ball-licking.

[always_searching]

Since I didn't settle, no way. I'm not a grass is greener type of person.

 

Good for you TBF! I hope I can be so lucky!

[Sam Spade]

I don't think I lowered my standards or settled, but I know I can always do better. I think the key for those who are looking for a relationship is to find that happy high standard. If you kept looking for the best, you would never find someone to be with. You need to set a limit somewhere.

 

Also, I don't believe in "true love". That's just a load of hogwash created by the media and Disney.

 

That's pretty much my view. The key is expectation management. There are two approaches:

1) (leads to miserable life) - set the bar incredibly high, i.e. engage in a search of the best deal you could possibly get. Even if such outcome is conceivable, the result is enormous energy expenditure (with diminishing returns), and decreasing probability of success.

2) (leads to happy and content life, my personal approach) - set the bar as low as possible. I.e. come up the essential checklist of things I desire in a relationship, and once it is attained, stop any further research, even if it is perfectly conceivable that I could do better (I could, thank you very much )

 

Therefore, saying "I will never settle" actually doesn't convey any useful information (other than the person is borderline psychotic ) because nobody sane has a comprehensive list of requirements; our preferences evolve as we interact with other people. Conversely, "settling" in my mind certainly doesn't mean lowering my standards but simply that my minimum standards are met, and therefore I need not search anymore. (serendipitously, this is also good strategy for decision making in business and public organizations. )

[Untouchable_Fire]

Do you feel you've lowered your standards and/or settled on your current significant other? By "lowering standards" and "settling" I mean that you feel as though you could do better, or that you deserve better, but, for whatever reason, decided to settle for your significant other rather than to wait to find genuine happiness with your "true love"?

If you have settled, why have you done so, and are you are happy/content in the relationship viz. would you do it again? Finally, if you have settled on your significant other, would you end the relationship if you found someone else whom you felt could better meet your original standards?

Also, if you haven't currently settled for anyone: would you settle and, if so, why?

 

Are you just stimulating debate, or are you having a more personal issue?

[Isolde]

That's pretty much my view. The key is expectation management. There are two approaches:

1) (leads to miserable life) - set the bar incredibly high, i.e. engage in a search of the best deal you could possibly get. Even if such outcome is conceivable, the result is enormous energy expenditure (with diminishing returns), and decreasing probability of success.

2) (leads to happy and content life, my personal approach) - set the bar as low as possible. I.e. come up the essential checklist of things I desire in a relationship, and once it is attained, stop any further research, even if it is perfectly conceivable that I could do better (I could, thank you very much )

 

Therefore, saying "I will never settle" actually doesn't convey any useful information (other than the person is borderline psychotic ) because nobody sane has a comprehensive list of requirements; our preferences evolve as we interact with other people. Conversely, "settling" in my mind certainly doesn't mean lowering my standards but simply that my minimum standards are met, and therefore I need not search anymore. (serendipitously, this is also good strategy for decision making in business and public organizations. )

 

How about 3) realizing that you can't get everything you want in life but still wanting to be excited about someone you're dating, therefore, keeping the bar high reliant on what you reasonably judge you can find?

[always_searching]

Are you just stimulating debate, or are you having a more personal issue?

 

Well, I personally I think I have pretty high standards--however, like Sam Spade suggested, I too find that "our preferences evolve as we interact with other people." So, in light of that, I suppose I really don't have so much of a "standard," but rather I generally like a particular person versus some idealized qualitative list.

 

Though I always love a good debate, I really asked as more of a curiosity. Actually, I was thinking of a person I know who I am fairly certain is in love with a woman from a previous relationship, but is dating someone else. I could be entirely wrong, but I get the impression that he settled for this woman because he's afraid of being alone. So, thinking on this, I decided to get the loveshack community's opinion.

[always_searching]

That's pretty much my view. The key is expectation management. There are two approaches:

1) (leads to miserable life) - set the bar incredibly high, i.e. engage in a search of the best deal you could possibly get. Even if such outcome is conceivable, the result is enormous energy expenditure (with diminishing returns), and decreasing probability of success.

2) (leads to happy and content life, my personal approach) - set the bar as low as possible. I.e. come up the essential checklist of things I desire in a relationship, and once it is attained, stop any further research, even if it is perfectly conceivable that I could do better (I could, thank you very much )

 

Therefore, saying "I will never settle" actually doesn't convey any useful information (other than the person is borderline psychotic ) because nobody sane has a comprehensive list of requirements; our preferences evolve as we interact with other people. Conversely, "settling" in my mind certainly doesn't mean lowering my standards but simply that my minimum standards are met, and therefore I need not search anymore. (serendipitously, this is also good strategy for decision making in business and public organizations. )

 

Sam Spade, I truly look forward to your responses: insightful with added witty-banter. What more could a poster ask for in a response?

 

I do have to say, though, that I am slightly disheartened by your "setting the bar as low as possible" approach. I mean, if I were dating someone, I would hope that he found something uniquely stimulating in me--I don't expect him to find me to be the most beautiful or intellectual woman, but that the combination of my character, intellect, wit, charm, etc. would appeal to a higher level of desire in him. In other words, I would be extremely put-off if I found out that my boyfriend "set the bar as low as possible," became attracted to me as a result of that low standard setting, and just stuck it out with me because I happened to be the first person he found that qualified, and he's just too lazy to set a proper standard and find the woman who most fits his desired qualifications.

 

I suppose the whole notion of "standards" is the problem. As I previously stated, it should be about the individual person and not some check-list.

 

So, should I assume, Sam Spade, that you are with the first person you encountered who met your low-standard requirement and you "settled" for this person because it would take too much time and effort for you to find someone to whom you are better suited? I think your (and your girlfriend's) love-life is worth more than that.

[Ruby Slippers]

I do have to say, though, that I am slightly disheartened by your "setting the bar as low as possible" approach. I mean, if I were dating someone, I would hope that he found something uniquely stimulating in me--I don't expect him to find me to be the most beautiful or intellectual woman, but that the combination of my character, intellect, wit, charm, etc. would appeal to a higher level of desire in him. In other words, I would be extremely put-off if I found out that my boyfriend "set the bar as low as possible," became attracted to me as a result of that low standard setting, and just stuck it out with me because I happened to be the first person he found that qualified, and he's just too lazy to set a proper standard and find the woman who most fits his desired qualifications.

Ditto. When I read Sam Spade's comments on this matter, I always feel sorry for his girlfriend.

 

I haven't settled, and I don't imagine I will. I really would rather be alone and happy than compromise myself and feel a perpetual nagging lack in my life.

[simply]

I think these questions relate directly to my own thread. I think the feeling that I was settling was what drove me away from the guy. But that same fear of having to settle is part of what is making me want him again because I dont feel like Im going to find as good a match again. I broke it off with him 2 years ago and have since realised that I may have based my decision off of the wrong things

 

Its not so much that I settle, because I dont, but I feel like now that anything less than him would be settling. And even now Id just like to know what a relationship with him again would be like since our lives have changed and grown so much. Its wierd that this whole feeling of settling is both a reason I dumped him and a reason I want him back now. Life is such a puzzle.

[terra]

I have basically have a checklist of qualities that are important to me.. deal breakers if you will, and not that the bar is low (I think my checklist is pretty encompassing), other good qualities are a bonus. Physical traits rarely enter in to it... although I prefer dark features, if a guy is awesome I'll date a blondy.

The most important thing for me is if that person is going to enhance my life and I theirs. Little things like slimmer, taller, are so trivial overall it's really your dynamics with that person. If you feel like your needs are met, and that you are loved, accepted, and supported who cares about the other stuff.

I'd rather be single than settle, but having the bar to high will just end in disappointment.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I do have to say, though, that I am slightly disheartened by your "setting the bar as low as possible" approach. I mean, if I were dating someone, I would hope that he found something uniquely stimulating in me--I don't expect him to find me to be the most beautiful or intellectual woman, but that the combination of my character, intellect, wit, charm, etc. would appeal to a higher level of desire in him. In other words, I would be extremely put-off if I found out that my boyfriend "set the bar as low as possible," became attracted to me as a result of that low standard setting, and just stuck it out with me because I happened to be the first person he found that qualified, and he's just too lazy to set a proper standard and find the woman who most fits his desired qualifications.

 

I agree with Sam. My bar is set fairly low. I do that because it keeps my selection criteria from being too shallow. It allows me the flexibility to find someone who is really special!

 

You will continually find that many those who have "high standards" are those who need to think of themselves as better than others.

 

I suppose the whole notion of "standards" is the problem. As I previously stated, it should be about the individual person and not some check-list.

So, should I assume, Sam Spade, that you are with the first person you encountered who met your low-standard requirement and you "settled" for this person because it would take too much time and effort for you to find someone to whom you are better suited? I think your (and your girlfriend's) love-life is worth more than that.

 

Even if that was the case with Sam... Don't you think that what they build together would be worth more than anyone new could offer?

 

See, it's not just who fits best with whom. What you create together matters more.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I have basically have a checklist of qualities that are important to me.. deal breakers if you will, and not that the bar is low (I think my checklist is pretty encompassing), other good qualities are a bonus. Physical traits rarely enter in to it... although I prefer dark features, if a guy is awesome I'll date a blondy.

The most important thing for me is if that person is going to enhance my life and I theirs. Little things like slimmer, taller, are so trivial overall it's really your dynamics with that person. If you feel like your needs are met, and that you are loved, accepted, and supported who cares about the other stuff.

I'd rather be single than settle, but having the bar to high will just end in disappointment.

 

Terra,

 

When you force someone through a checklist it often causes you to miss who they are as a person. Your too busy focused on your preset list to notice other good and bad qualities.

 

Throw the checklist out. You will be much more likely to find happiness without it.

[Sam Spade]

Sam Spade, I truly look forward to your responses: insightful with added witty-banter. What more could a poster ask for in a response?

 

I do have to say, though, that I am slightly disheartened by your "setting the bar as low as possible" approach. I mean, if I were dating someone, I would hope that he found something uniquely stimulating in me--I don't expect him to find me to be the most beautiful or intellectual woman, but that the combination of my character, intellect, wit, charm, etc. would appeal to a higher level of desire in him. In other words, I would be extremely put-off if I found out that my boyfriend "set the bar as low as possible," became attracted to me as a result of that low standard setting, and just stuck it out with me because I happened to be the first person he found that qualified, and he's just too lazy to set a proper standard and find the woman who most fits his desired qualifications.

 

I suppose the whole notion of "standards" is the problem. As I previously stated, it should be about the individual person and not some check-list.

 

So, should I assume, Sam Spade, that you are with the first person you encountered who met your low-standard requirement and you "settled" for this person because it would take too much time and effort for you to find someone to whom you are better suited? I think your (and your girlfriend's) love-life is worth more than that.

 

Uh-oh.The thing is... people are fundamentally the same (we are all special, just like everybody else). The uniqueness, to the extent it occurs is much more the product of idiosyncrasies accumulated in the process of shared history in the relationship, rather than some 'innate uniquenesness'. This stuff is never obvious upfront, and even if it is - it is pretty meaningless (Why would I care if a girl I just recently met is sincerely scared by horror movies, or always carries her passport with her, etc. etc.??). It becomes valuable only when discovered and appreciated over the course of a relationship So, by setting the bar low i mean having very reasonable criteria (is she pretty? is she sweet? and that is it) to decide whether to go on more than a few dates with a person (i.e. whether it is worth to start a relationship, and thus have a chance to make these discoveries). I'm sure that there are girls that are hotter and smarter than my gf, but I wouldn't care - in the absence of shared history, they don't mean anything to me (other than, possibly, hawt azz ), precisely becaus I'd rather have her quirky pecularities, rather than someone with better resume.

 

Related, the "suitability" criterion is also not very useful. Barring fundemantal incompatibility in life goals, suitability is to a much larger extent a function of the willingness of the partners to proactively pursue suitability/compatibility rather than a function of actual commonalities (e.g. in background, etc.). An old historical house, if properly maintained will last much longer and be much more pleasant to live in than a brand new house with no maintenance whatsoever.

[Untouchable_Fire]

An old historical house, if properly maintained will last much longer and be much more pleasant to live in than a brand new house with no maintenance whatsoever.

 

Sam... great post!

[terra]

Terra,

 

When you force someone through a checklist it often causes you to miss who they are as a person. Your too busy focused on your preset list to notice other good and bad qualities.

 

Throw the checklist out. You will be much more likely to find happiness without it.

 

Did you not read my whole post?

I am in agreement with you.. my bar is low.. you have "selective criteria" I have a "checklist." like for example honestly, won't waste my time with people that aren't honest. I said that I won't settle, for example, on someone that lies but high standards leads to disappointment.

[Vertex]

I haven't settled because I know I am a good person and a good boyfriend... just very shy My quest right now is to get over that shyness, because I know I'll be a lot more successful that way when it comes to meeting women.

[Sam Spade]

I agree with Sam. My bar is set fairly low. I do that because it keeps my selection criteria from being too shallow. It allows me the flexibility to find someone who is really special!

 

You will continually find that many those who have "high standards" are those who need to think of themselves as better than others.

 

 

 

Even if that was the case with Sam... Don't you think that what they build together would be worth more than anyone new could offer?

 

See, it's not just who fits best with whom. What you create together matters more.

 

 

Heyyyy! I'm not sure if you're a man or a woman, but either way we should totally make out some time since that's exactly what I've been trying to express . All it takes is some level of emotional intelligence and commitment to make it work. And whether you got hitched in vegas or in a cathedral, figuratively speaking, is secondary,

 

Here are a few more suggestions to reconcile the settling problem:

 

- If you're not actually unhappy in your relationship, you are not settling, you'ew doing just fine (derivations: if you're content all the time, you're ahead of the curve; if you're happy all the time, you're probably on drugs )

- If you are vaguelly unhappy/dissatisfied with your relationship for no particular reason, you have not only settled, but you're also a jackass and should go away and stop ruining people's ives