Author canadaguy98 Posted November 7, 2009 Author Posted November 7, 2009 Well in the end she decided that it was best if we didnt see eachother for 2 weeks. I doubt it will hold but she has said that after that maybe we will only see eachother twice a week. Works for me and its worth a try. I dont really want to go two weeks without seeing her that wasnt what I was looking for but if she things that that is the bet way to start off a lower intensity of contact then whatever I guess I'll give it a whirl. I love how people are coming out and saying that I've got this huge insecurity complex based on a tiny bit of information. I'm here looking for a bit of advice and different perspectives; if I was so freaking insecure I dont think I'd be opening up my current relationship problems to complete strangers looking for alternate perspectives. The girl is really nice and treats me well. Maybe just wants to spend more time together and on the phone than I'm comfortable with. If I look for flawless people, I'm going to be single an awful long time because nobody is flawless, including me.
JustLooking123 Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 Well in the end she decided that it was best if we didnt see eachother for 2 weeks. I doubt it will hold but she has said that after that maybe we will only see eachother twice a week. I'm curious, what was her tone when she told you this? Any chance she's being passive-aggressive, or any underlying hostility? I just wonder if she's more hurt than she's letting on, and this is her way of sticking it to you (or getting out of the relationship).
dreamergrl Posted November 7, 2009 Posted November 7, 2009 I love how people are coming out and saying that I've got this huge insecurity complex based on a tiny bit of information. I'm here looking for a bit of advice and different perspectives; if I was so freaking insecure I dont think I'd be opening up my current relationship problems to complete strangers looking for alternate perspectives. You'd be surprised how many insecure people come here. Because it's easier to admit problems to people who don't know who you are then those who do. And you are getting perspectives. You just don't like all of them. The girl is really nice and treats me well. Maybe just wants to spend more time together and on the phone than I'm comfortable with. If I look for flawless people, I'm going to be single an awful long time because nobody is flawless, including me. No one is flawless, that is so darn obvious. But if you don't set up boundaries, you'll be a doormat for wacky behavior for a good long time. The fact is, is she is still maintaining control. She's setting things how she wants them. You aren't voicing anything. You are just going along for the ride.
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 Canadaguy...with her pattern of behavior where she rejects you because she perceives you are rejecting her (not spending enough time with her), she sounds downright childish. Like if you don't live up to her high expectations, she's going to make you pay. YOU will not dare reject HER - she'll reject you first. She sounds seriously unstable. Just the fact that at one moment she's complaining you don't spend enough time together, then she says you should only see each other a couple times a week, then all of a sudden it's, "We shouldn't see each other for 2 weeks." She's punishing you. Gees. Watch out you don't get cobbled - she sounds like that lady from "Misery."
crazy_grl Posted November 8, 2009 Posted November 8, 2009 I love how people are coming out and saying that I've got this huge insecurity complex based on a tiny bit of information. I'm here looking for a bit of advice and different perspectives; if I was so freaking insecure I dont think I'd be opening up my current relationship problems to complete strangers looking for alternate perspectives. The girl is really nice and treats me well. Maybe just wants to spend more time together and on the phone than I'm comfortable with. If I look for flawless people, I'm going to be single an awful long time because nobody is flawless, including me. One of your exes tried to kill you by making you drink bleach. There's no way there weren't signs that she was psycho before that happened. There were probably red flags from the beginning, ones that you chose to ignore like you're doing again. The fact that you're so willing to ignore huge red flags says something about you. Sorry, I don't buy your excuse that there's something wrong with all women in your area. I'm sure it makes you feel better though, because it's easier than accepting your own issues. If you want to give this girl another chance, then I'm not going to tell you not to. MAYBE she was just having a bad week... month or something. MAYBE. But her behavior was a red flag and you need to be extra observant for them with her in the future. And think about why you've been so willing to let them slide.
Author canadaguy98 Posted November 10, 2009 Author Posted November 10, 2009 Canadaguy...with her pattern of behavior where she rejects you because she perceives you are rejecting her (not spending enough time with her), she sounds downright childish. Like if you don't live up to her high expectations, she's going to make you pay. YOU will not dare reject HER - she'll reject you first. She sounds seriously unstable. Just the fact that at one moment she's complaining you don't spend enough time together, then she says you should only see each other a couple times a week, then all of a sudden it's, "We shouldn't see each other for 2 weeks." She's punishing you. Gees. Watch out you don't get cobbled - she sounds like that lady from "Misery." Well yeah I do get that feeling. Update here is that she didn't make it even nearly 2 weeks. I had one night I hung out with my buddies and didnt talk to her she said she was going out and then didnt end up going out. The next day she wanted to see me after that so I guess she made it about 36 hours. The whole situation though did set me off to watch very closely and tread very carefully. The whole not wanting to stay over twice in a row thing. She was good for a few days and wanted to see me but wasnt too intense. Then another bout just yesterday. I was at her house, again, after I had stayed the night the previous night (she asked and I said sure). I had gone home while she was at work and she wanted me to come over for the afternoon then I'd go home. I have 2 cats and I left at 230PM so I didnt feed them dinner as it was early afternoon and I was coming home. The afternoon went really well then started sliding off course. She started this "do you think I'm good enough for you" and all this jazz then she asked me, "can you show me how important I am to you and stay the night tonight?" I told her I wouldnt mind but I had to get home to feed my cats, the little suckers can't feed themselves. She again got all upset and said fine then I'm driving you home right after this show and I guess we wont talk for a while. I suggested she could stay at my place if it was a big deal to her, or if she was going to drive me all the way home and then go back home I could just feed my cats and go back to her place. But the damage was done I guess... I got pretty frustrated but I didnt say anything.. I was ready to just tell her no need to drive me home, I'll walk (it would have taken me an hour and a half at least) but eventually she could tell I was mad and got up and drove me home. I tried to explain to her hey, they are my cats and your asking me to either show you how important you are to me and let my cats starve or play that I'm not important to you.. she went off about how she's always second best. It was a frustrating experience to say the least. I tried to say goodbye to her in the car and she wouldnt look at me. Then I called her later on to say good night so she didnt think I was raging or anything and she tripped about how I just "let her leave" upset. I told her I was just respecting her wishes since she wouldnt look at me or say much of anything figured I'd let her cool down. Obviously this has happened before to her as our short conversation went on... One of the other things she mentioned at her place was she was asking me how I would feel if she wanted to take a break for a month if she didnt feel ready to be in a relationship (I met her a few weeks after she broke up with her ex). I told her, well since weve only been seeing eachother six weeks I wouldnt be waiting around but I wouldnt be running off to find someone else either... a months break after six weeks thats almost as long as we've been seeing eachother in the first place. if we'd been seeing eachother a year and wanted to take a month off i could see it. anyways yeah so some of the posters here are right. I wanted to give her a chance especially with the whole two week break thing figured it might help her get used to not being around and calling 24/7 but it only lasted 36 hours and here I am only a few days later with the same scenario... her mad because I have cats I'm responsible for and dont want to stay the night at her place 2 nights in a row and let them starve. *sigh* you'd think that she'd like the fact that I'm a responsible guy for my little charges.. and that she'd feel more sympathy for their little stomachs being empty. I really dont like being backed into a corner like that... let my cats starve to show how important you are to me or feed them and show that your not important at all. Why involve my cats in something like that... its just a responsibility of having cats. I'm not going to starve my cats for anyone. growl. I'm going to just disengage from her and when she yaps about not seeing eachother after she pays me back some money she owes me I'm going to tell her I dont think she's ready for a relationship with anyone. I hate conflicts and hate fighting even more, after six weeks and fighting over something so stupid. she only lives 18 minutes away if it meant that much to her to have me stay she wouldnt have had a problem just letting me feed my cats. it was a test ick gave her a try I guess. now I can at least say I did give her a second chance and didnt just fly off the handle and dump her for nothing
dreamergrl Posted November 10, 2009 Posted November 10, 2009 I'm curious OP... have you broken it off with her yet?
crazy_grl Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 *sigh* you'd think that she'd like the fact that I'm a responsible guy for my little charges.. and that she'd feel more sympathy for their little stomachs being empty. I really dont like being backed into a corner like that... let my cats starve to show how important you are to me or feed them and show that your not important at all. Why involve my cats in something like that... its just a responsibility of having cats. I'm not going to starve my cats for anyone. This is a major sign that she's a psycho. She doesn't care that your animals are going to go hungry. It's all about her and how you didn't do exactly what she wanted. She wouldn't even let you compromise. Time to stop bending over backward for her. I hope you stick with your resolve to be done with her, because she sounds like trouble waiting to happen.
Author canadaguy98 Posted November 11, 2009 Author Posted November 11, 2009 ....It's all about her and how you didn't do exactly what she wanted. She wouldn't even let you compromise. Time to stop bending over backward for her. .... *sigh* yeah. I have never bent over backwards for her, I had a BPD ex girlfriend just before her and I certainly learned my lessons there about bending over backwards for anyone. BPD people are so good at getting you to slowly bend more and more and more... by the time I got rid of that girl I realized I wasnt even living my own life anymore. So I'm a bit sensitive to that one, sometimes I worry if I'm too rigid sometimes. You are right about how it was about how I didnt do exactly as I wanted. She got upset right when I said to her that I wasnt sure about staying a second night because I hadn't fed my cats, I asked her for a bit of time to think about it (I was going to see if there was a compromise solution). I suggested the compromise afterwards, but she was already upset; she wanted a "Of course baby you are so important to me" sorta answer I guess. I didnt give it to her. It was frustrating so I almost walked out of there and walked an hour and a half all the way home. Listen to this though, this part is telling; of what I'm not exactly sure. On the way back, I asked her, "You are obviously really upset. You've put me in a bind and having to choose between feeding my cats and showing you that you are important to me. What would you have wanted me to do if you were in my shoes?" and she refused to answer the question. Later on when I called her to say goodnight, she was upset about how I 'let her just drive away'. I again asked a simmilar question, saying, "Well its a fine line between pushing an issue to hard and just letting someone cool off. You didnt want to even look at me, nor kiss me goodnight when you dropped me off, I had tried to talk to you when you were upset and you didnt really budge and just got worse. What would you have wanted me to do?" again she refused to answer the question again. Her only answer to those two questions was "well you made your choice". *sigh* sometimes I wonder, if finding a nice girl is just out of the cards for me. my 20s are long gone now after spending 9 years with someone and re-entering the game in my 30s is at times such a nightmare. in my 20s the girls I hooked up with had all sorts of hope that things would work out.. these women I meet nearing 30 and in their early 30s... they just all seem like they're so damaged by the guys they're not with anymore. feels hopeless sometimes. what bothers me the most is that they can seem so damn normal for the first few months while you start to get attached to them
dreamergrl Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 OP, maybe you really should think about the fact that you keep coming back to girls who display this type of behavior. I'm not saying you are a bad person or anything, and that these girls are right in how they treat you, but you still remain a common denominator. You kind of opened the door for this girl to feel that she could act like this to get her way. Kind of like Super Nanny. All these parents who didn't discipline their children and follow through... they taught their kids what to do when they don't get their way. Super Nanny steps in and makes sure the parents follow through. Grant it, some what of a silly analogy.. sorry it's late, best I could do.
norajane Posted November 11, 2009 Posted November 11, 2009 I tried to explain to her hey, they are my cats and your asking me to either show you how important you are to me and let my cats starve or play that I'm not important to you.. she went off about how she's always second best. Now she's jealous of your cats? I hope you see that this is unreasonable behavior. You know, one of those big red flags telling you to get as far away from this woman before she tries to feed bleach to your cats one day?
Author canadaguy98 Posted November 16, 2009 Author Posted November 16, 2009 No I havent broken up with her yet but things are certainly heading down that road. Now every phonecall is starting to turn into a "well since you dont want to talk to me" or a "I guess I'm not important to you" sort of conversation and it's well, a complete turn off. I've tried to talk to her about her insecurities, in her "fine then we wont see eachother except on my days off and no more sleeping over since when I ask you you have to 'think about it' which tells me you dont want to" I've said that well fine thats her choice if she thinks that that is important for us to do then it's important for us to do. I've encouraged her to go to counselling. (between the lines, I said I like her a lot but I wouldnt consider moving in or marrying her unless she went to counselling). She said that she went once and she hated it so she refuses to ever go back. Interesting tidbit is that she said that a lot of people have suggested to her that she should go to counselling or "talk to someone". Yet she's pretty bullheaded about that. I just said that if she is going to change her mind about that that's a decision for her to make not one for me to pressure her. I've told this girl that I want to do STUFF with her, like go on little mini road trips or go for walks or go to places nothing that has to cost a lot of money or nothing colossal just stuff to do to give us things to talk to eachother about. She's always complaining that on the phone (which is usually the first thing when I wake up when she's calling me from work or right after we have parted from seeing eachother and she gets home) we have nothing to talk about. I've suggested to her that not a whole lot may have chanced since last time we talked and sometimes sharing a moment or two of silence together comfortably is better than talking. Anyways its all turning into a big turn off for me. She's a great fun person to be around, but now that her insecurities have taken over complete and total control she's not even fun to talk to on the phone with because it just becomes one big conversation about how we aren't having enough conversations or a conversation questioning my committment to her or how interested I am in her. I call her when I say I will call, even when its stupid, I e-mail her so she gets a note in the morning saying "have a great day good morning sunshine" I have read about needy girlfriends and am trying to do everything I can to let her know that even when we're apart I still think of her and that I do in fact enjoy spending time with her (just not maybe 4-5 days straight - on the 4th day I need a rest for a day or so!) So I'm going to just play it out down this road and be firm with her. If she wants more space power to her, I'm not going to chase her to undo those decisions, although she rarely follows through on them which reaffirms my beleif that they are merely threats because she didn't get some time with me that she wanted. I find it amazing how people can just change so rapidly after a couple of months into a completely different person. Its like the new guy mask they put on washes off with water in the shower slowly over time. That's three girlfriends now that I've hooked up with who seemed pleasant and normal who slowly turned kookoo on me. The first one took a couple months and dropped all the nuclear bombs on me at once once she knew it was too late for me to withdraw (she turned out to be married, pregnant with my kid, wanted divorce and to be with me, no abortion option). I tried my best and when miscarriage happened, I took the sad news as a blessing in disguise and ejected her from my world - not without BS assault charges and another bogus pregnancy scare however! Second one took a couple months and then over the course of 3-4 weeks started to show textbook symptoms of high functioning <> extroverted BPD. Did everything she could to make my life into a disorienting hell, including hiding and taking objects and blaming the missing things on other people, picking fights with roomates, flipping out over the tiniest of things (where the paper recycling should go). This one was great and normal and sweet and quiet.. then a bit of insecurity popped out, seemed like she was just a bit unsure how I felt, then it slowly took over every interaction that we have. I'm constantly being asked to prove how much I care about her, in a nutshell. *sigh* Any of you ladies know where the good cool women cringe and hide from the guys who exhibit the same behaviors as the ladies that I am meeting? I've tried all manner of sources; bars online, offline, through friends, through hobbies.. I just keep meeting nutters who are great when I first meet them and then slowly change into disordered people. I'm 33 and looking for someone 27-33.
SoulSearch_CO Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Canadaguy...after reading your stories about your GF, hearing you say you're only starting to get turned off (and haven't even broken up with her, yet), and then wondering why you keep attracting these women.... Gee. I wonder why. It sounds to me like there's something in you that wants to "save" these women. You sound codependent and do an awesome job enabling these women: I call her when I say I will call, even when its stupid, I e-mail her so she gets a note in the morning saying "have a great day good morning sunshine" I have read about needy girlfriends and am trying to do everything I can to let her know that even when we're apart I still think of her and that I do in fact enjoy spending time with her Feeding into her insecurity in this way is like giving her a hit on a drug. She is unable/unwilling to produce it herself (self-esteem, self-worth). She gets her "fix" from you. This doesn't help her. She's never going to be able to stand on her own with you enabling her. I'd be curious to know how your parents' relationship was to each other and to their children. Maybe you should consider counseling yourself. I'm not trying to be flip, but I'm a big believer that we attract (and keep) people that are most similar to us. Like attracts like. Birds of a feather and all that. You might need to take a deeper look INSIDE as to what it is that you're looking for that these women provide. Is it a hero complex? That you were able to save one of them? Anyway - I'd talk to someone about it. It sounds exhausting to keep going through this.
JustLooking123 Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Why why why are you still with her? Are you expecting things to change? Are you trying to save her? Are you just masochistic? Do you get off on being the "sane" one who gets to set the rules? It's really interesting that earlier in the thread, you said you kept ending up with crazy women, or something to that effect...Maybe you have some of your own issues to work out, and/or maybe you need to examine your choices in women.
The Way I Am Posted November 17, 2009 Posted November 17, 2009 Interesting tidbit is that she said that a lot of people have suggested to her that she should go to counselling or "talk to someone". I think I'm going to add this to my list for "not just a red flag but a dealbreaker". How are you not seeing the pattern here? You're the common factor. You're attracting these women. Then once you see the huge red flags, you ignore them and soldier on. (And there were probably smaller ones that you ignored prior to the big ones.) It's been 12 days since you first posted about this. If you had stopped seeing her when it first became clear she was a nutter, you might already have had a few dates with someone new by now. You stayed with her even after she made it clear that the lives of your animals are insignificant compared to her every little whim. That's not just a red flag. It's a little scary. I hate comparing anyone to this movie, because I think usually it's a gross exaggeration, but it does tend to send my mind toward "Fatal Attraction". I just don't understand why you're putting up with this. I repeat my earlier advice that you need to figure that out. (Maybe through counseling.)
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