boldjack Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 OP, I wish you luck over the next few months. But remember that everything she says , she should prove with her actions. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 HBIII.. I'm glad you followed the advice of those who said to be forgiving.. It is a lot different when it's the W who cheats.. Women do NOT cheat as much as men.. and when they do, more often, it's a one-time thing and it's during a 'dark' period of their life.. I'm sure it was the only time.. (just a feeling) and that she probably regret it profoundly .. and don't be scared.. she probably won't cheat ever again.. (again just a feeling). Serial killers are mostly MEN.. same as serial cheaters.. ;) Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 As a former serial cheater, I would disagree with the previous poster, for every serial cheater, there are partners, who they are cheating WITH. These people may be cheaters or maybe just adulterers. But It still takes two to Tango. Since you have decided to forgive your wife, the best thing you both can do is to seek competant counseling about the fallout from this affair. But always remember, and always be wary. Protect yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 As a former serial cheater, I would disagree with the previous poster, for every serial cheater, there are partners, who they are cheating WITH. These people may be cheaters or maybe just adulterers. But It still takes two to Tango. Since you have decided to forgive your wife, the best thing you both can do is to seek competant counseling about the fallout from this affair. But always remember, and always be wary. Protect yourself. Yabut the serial cheater are not necessarily cheating with another married woman... a lot of these OW are single... separated, divorced.. or ... Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 A single person, who has a relationship with a married person, isn't a cheater, but IS an adulterer. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 But always remember, and always be wary. Protect yourself. And IF she is a serial cheater (and she has not shown anything to lead us to believe that), then this advice will NOT help you to move on. As it is, you will have a tough time trusting her. You will wonder where she is when she is late, BUT 99.9% (and probably even 100% of the time), you will have nothing to fear but fear itself. Unless more proof comes out that she has cheated more than she has told you, then it is highly unlikely that she will ever cheat again. Moving on means forgiving and to a degree forgetting. This is not easy, but if you are always wary and protecting your self from emotional hurt, then your marriage will never heal. Just as she needs to be completely honest and trustworthy to obtain your forgiveness, so you must be willing to forgive and accept her honesty and repentance as genuine. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 A single person, who has a relationship with a married person, isn't a cheater, but IS an adulterer. By definition, I don't think this is possible. The single person made no vows of fidelity. The married person did. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 James, For this poster to blindly trust his spouse, will be almost impossible. There is a difference between trusting and being ignorant. Never go looking for snakes under a rock, but be aware that snakes live under rocks, is all I'm saying. A single person, who has intimate relations with a married person, is just as guilty of adultery , as the married person. But they are not guilty of betrayal. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 Thanks James darling.. I agree.. single people are free like the air.. they didn't promise anything to anyome.. I'm thinking about all the divorced, separated, single, escorts.. they're NOT cheating on anyone.. and I would say that the proportion of men cheating with one of those is larger than men cheating with another married women. I once met a lawyer (many years ago) who said he would never ever sleep with a married woman again.. since it was way too hard 'scheduling' their rendez-vous.. and he was sick of trying to find a hotel room,... since they couldn't go to their own place.. (obviously).. he said it's way easier with an available woman.. her place, timing is always easier, no hassle with her partner (if they ever get caught)... the advantages are way better with an available woman.. simple as that.. and NO.. we are not cheaters nor adulterers.. and I agree again with you.. it's very unlkkely that she will cheat again.. that happened like decades ago.. she probably never even think about it anyway... unless she has to 'talk' about it ... OP.. do not bring this subject anymore.. she stayed with you.. and like you said.. she's a good woman.. don,t worry about it.. I can almost bet you that she will never ever cheat again... Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 So sorry, but the ACT of a married person having sexual intercourse with ANYONE other than their spouse, is Adultery, and BOTH participants are adulterers. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 So sorry, but the ACT of a married person having sexual intercourse with ANYONE other than their spouse, is Adultery, and BOTH participants are adulterers. The act of sex with someone other than your married partner is the definition of adultery. Two people having sex with one another is not. Having sex with someone else's partner helps them commit adultery, but by definition, it makes the single person a fornicator...not an adulterer. Link to post Share on other sites
samspade Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 HBIII.. I'm glad you followed the advice of those who said to be forgiving.. It is a lot different when it's the W who cheats.. Women do NOT cheat as much as men.. and when they do, more often, it's a one-time thing and it's during a 'dark' period of their life.. I'm sure it was the only time.. (just a feeling) and that she probably regret it profoundly .. and don't be scared.. she probably won't cheat ever again.. (again just a feeling). Serial killers are mostly MEN.. same as serial cheaters.. ;) He already took the leap of faith that she wouldn't cheat on him once and she did. Now that bond has been broken, and he should trust her again? F that. And for those who believe women cheat less than men...I don't have statistics to back anything up, but I'm willing to bet that it's equal - but women are better at covering it up. OP, I wish you would stop listening to the apologists around here and respect yourself more. Counseling and work are a waste of time...she ruined your marriage, whatever "emotions" she was dealing with. End it so you can find some happiness either alone or with someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 He already took the leap of faith that she wouldn't cheat on him once and she did. Now that bond has been broken, and he should trust her again? F that. Sadly, in marriage and in life, we all take leaps of faith and get hurt as a result. The question becomes...is she truly sorrowful and has she shown that this is not who she will become? It cannot be ignored that if this happened twenty years ago (which doesn't minimize the pain) and it didn't happen again, then it is highly unlikely that it would happen again. And yes, he CAN trust her again. The bond can be rebuilt. And for those who believe women cheat less than men...I don't have statistics to back anything up, but I'm willing to bet that it's equal - but women are better at covering it up. My guess is that men tend to be repeat cheaters much more than women. There are many more men who cheat simply because they can. OP, I wish you would stop listening to the apologists around here and respect yourself more. An apologist is simply someone who defends a position. So all of us are apologists. We are all offering our own POV for him to consider. Respecting oneself is contingent on making a choice that is felt to be the best with the options presented. Leaving the marriage may be the best option, but unfortunately, with emotions as they are after this devastating revelation, leaving now would not be the best. Counseling and work are a waste of time...she ruined your marriage, whatever "emotions" she was dealing with. End it so you can find some happiness either alone or with someone else. Assumptions made with your apology are...Happiness will not be found with her. (Untrue). Counseling will not help the two of them resolve unsaid issues in a neutral environment with someone who can balance the emotions. (Untrue). Ending the marriage will bring happiness. (Unknown). I can say that proceeding with caution while in a highly emotional state is the wisest. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 Sorry , James , but you are wrong. Webster's defines an "adulterer", as a PERSON, who commits Adultery. It does not differentiate by marital status. Webster's also defines "Adultery", as the ACT of sex between a married person and anyone other than their spouse. Again, there is no expressed difference between the married participant and the other participant. BOTH of the participants are committing the ACT of adultery Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted November 11, 2009 Share Posted November 11, 2009 BTW, OP , sorry for the thread-jacking. I do agree with part of what James is saying. You should get competent counseling, either IC or MC (although I am not a fan of the latter) to sort out your issues and decide what you can live with, and also, you should not make any irreversible moves, without long, hard thought. The bottom line for me would be if you can be sure that this was her only affair and that there were no others. I disagree with those posters, who defend her because of the timeline. The affair may have taken place long ago, but for you it is a new and devestating betrayal, because you only recently were told about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 Sorry , James , but you are wrong. Webster's defines an "adulterer", as a PERSON, who commits Adultery. It does not differentiate by marital status. Webster's also defines.... BTW, OP , sorry for the thread-jacking. Yeah! Let's get back to the original point of this thread, which was discussing the meaning of "man up." Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 Actually, on this thread, the OP needs his wife to "woman-up". Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted November 12, 2009 Share Posted November 12, 2009 HBIII.. I'm glad you followed the advice of those who said to be forgiving.. It is a lot different when it's the W who cheats.. Women do NOT cheat as much as men.. and when they do, more often, it's a one-time thing and it's during a 'dark' period of their life.. I'm sure it was the only time.. (just a feeling) and that she probably regret it profoundly .. and don't be scared.. she probably won't cheat ever again.. (again just a feeling). Serial killers are mostly MEN.. same as serial cheaters.. ;) ya, well maybe he has an Eileen Wuornos on his hands:o Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 HBIII.. I'm glad you followed the advice of those who said to be forgiving.. It is a lot different when it's the W who cheats.. Women do NOT cheat as much as men.. and when they do, more often, it's a one-time thing and it's during a 'dark' period of their life.. I'm sure it was the only time.. (just a feeling) and that she probably regret it profoundly .. and don't be scared.. she probably won't cheat ever again.. (again just a feeling). Serial killers are mostly MEN.. same as serial cheaters.. ;) and prostitues are mostly women, so whats your point? Link to post Share on other sites
silverstalkings Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 You think you could get over the fact she was someone else's sex slave for a couple of years? You said that she did it every time she went on a business trip with her boss. So in other words, she was sex-on-demand for him. She gave her boss total control over her body, heightening his sense of manhood and domination AND she was getting paid at the same time; I'm sorry, but you know the word that should be used to call this "lady". I'm sorry, but this is sick. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted November 18, 2009 Share Posted November 18, 2009 You think you could get over the fact she was someone else's sex slave for a couple of years? You said that she did it every time she went on a business trip with her boss. So in other words, she was sex-on-demand for him. She gave her boss total control over her body, heightening his sense of manhood and domination AND she was getting paid at the same time; I'm sorry, but you know the word that should be used to call this "lady". I'm sorry, but this is sick. Boy, that's really twisted. The OP is struggling with something huge here, and your contribution is to rub his nose in it, to push the point that if he can "get over" your extreme characterization of his wife's behavior (made without the benefit of knowing much more about it, as the OP does, but you do not) then there's something sick about him. The subtext of your post is: she is sick and disgusting, and if you do get over it and keep her, then there's something wrong with you. Nice bit of support. Link to post Share on other sites
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