How to play this one out??

[jimbo]

I have been talking, well e-mailing, this girl I met online for a couple of weeks now. After the third e-mail I suggested we talk over the phone. She agreed. Its now two weeks later and we are still e-mailing back and forth. Asked again on Monday how she felt in talking over the phone and/or setting up a meet. Gave her two coffee houses (one and indie and the other a Starbucks). They are about 15 miles away from where she lives. About 20 miles from me. Thought it was a fair place. E-mails me back and says We should meet up this weekend; preferably Saturday night.). Says she, her mother, and sister are all taking care of her father (he's going through kemo for prostate cancer.); as she says meeting in person is much better than over the phone or something).

 

Few of issues. 1) I am assuming she wants me to go over to her town instead of meeting somewhere in the middle; which is what I normally do. 2) Is it strange to meet before talking over the phone? 3) Already have plans for Saturday night. 4) Have another girl I am talking to (on the phone) today which may also end up in meeting somewhere for coffee.

 

Or is this talking before meeting not a good thing generally?

[BCCA]

When you mentioned talking on the phone, did she give you her number?

 

Also, it sounds like she doesnt really give you solid answers, or other times that she could meet up. Sounds like she just gives you excuses, and keeps talking over email.

 

Honestly, Id chalk this up as little or no interest on her part. She probably just likes the attention she gets, but either isnt looking to really date or has other people on her plate. If it was important enough, she would figure something out, and driving to meet you in the middle is pretty reasonable.

 

Stick with the girl who actually talks to you on the phone and gives solid answers when you ask to hang out. You dont seem to be making progress with the other girl.

[jimbo]

Gave her mine, and she replied with her direct e-mail. Not really dodging me, as she replies to all e-mails pretty fast. She suggested to meetup Saturday evening in lieu of talking over the phone. Do people go to coffee shops in the evening? Then there is the issue of location. Seems she thinks 15 miles is far away. Considering I live 35 miles away.

[BCCA]

Dude, she didnt give you her number, and wants you to come ALL the way to her instead of meeting in the middle. Again, her interest is not very high.

 

Anyone that doesnt give you their # when you give yours - doesnt want you to have it.

[jimbo]

I see your point, but she could either not want to talk on the phone, privacy issues, etc. If she was not interested, why suggest to meet then?

[nocode]

I've done the meet before talking on the phone thing. I don't like talking on the phone (especially to someone I've never met in person), so that was okay with me. I can only think of two problems: 1. it takes longer to set something up via email (which I'm sure you've realized) and 2. you can't hear what the person's voice is like before meeting (which could be a problem if they have an annoying voice).

 

As far as whether she's interested or not, it's tough to tell. I helped my mom take care of my dad when he was going through chemo for pancreatic cancer and it's very emotionally draining. That may be why you're not getting much of a solid response from her or she could not be interested and stringing you along--it's hard to tell.

[jimbo]

True. But then why bring up the prostate cancer thing, suggest a meet (on a Saturday night no less), and be on both Match.com and Yahoo! Personals?

 

See how I am a bit confused. Also, not exactly sure where she wants to meet, as the two places I suggested, about 15 miles from her, seem to be too far (said cause she does not want to be too far away from her father). Should I turn the tables and see what she has in mind? Really do not want a full fledged date at first. A dinner in up here can easily approach 75 bucks. Hence the reasoning to the coffee/tea suggestion.

[DustySaltus]

I have been talking, well e-mailing, this girl I met online for a couple of weeks now. After the third e-mail I suggested we talk over the phone. She agreed. Its now two weeks later and we are still e-mailing back and forth. Asked again on Monday how she felt in talking over the phone and/or setting up a meet. Gave her two coffee houses (one and indie and the other a Starbucks). They are about 15 miles away from where she lives. About 20 miles from me. Thought it was a fair place. E-mails me back and says We should meet up this weekend; preferably Saturday night.). Says she, her mother, and sister are all taking care of her father (he's going through kemo for prostate cancer.); as she says meeting in person is much better than over the phone or something).

 

Few of issues. 1) I am assuming she wants me to go over to her town instead of meeting somewhere in the middle; which is what I normally do. 2) Is it strange to meet before talking over the phone? 3) Already have plans for Saturday night. 4) Have another girl I am talking to (on the phone) today which may also end up in meeting somewhere for coffee.

 

Or is this talking before meeting not a good thing generally?

 

I've had experiences like this before, here's what I think:

 

1. After three or four emails are exchanged, numbers should be given if there is a genuine interest. If you have the ability to talk (when you are not at work or with other people) it's a much easier form a communication than typing. Something doesn't add up and usually when something like this has happened in the past it was because they were in a relationship already....beware.

 

2. No, it isn't necessarily strange but it does get stranger as the emails go on and on and on....without either finally meeting the person or talking to them on the phone.

 

3. If someone is interested in you, they want to meet you as soon as possible, even if its for five minutes. This new girl sounds like she has potential. I'd forget about the other one for now because she seems indecisive and that's just the tip of the iceberg.

 

4. With all this being said, she could just be a real shy, sheltered, guarded girl. Is that what you want?

 

Talking before meeting is ALWAYS a good thing in whatever form it needs to take. However, chasing someone around to get them to meet you somewhere is not a good sign. good luck.

Edited November 4, 2009 by DustySaltus

[New Again]

I have been talking, well e-mailing, this girl I met online for a couple of weeks now. After the third e-mail I suggested we talk over the phone. She agreed. Its now two weeks later and we are still e-mailing back and forth. Asked again on Monday how she felt in talking over the phone and/or setting up a meet. Gave her two coffee houses (one and indie and the other a Starbucks). They are about 15 miles away from where she lives. About 20 miles from me. Thought it was a fair place. E-mails me back and says We should meet up this weekend; preferably Saturday night.). Says she, her mother, and sister are all taking care of her father (he's going through kemo for prostate cancer.); as she says meeting in person is much better than over the phone or something).

 

Few of issues. 1) I am assuming she wants me to go over to her town instead of meeting somewhere in the middle; which is what I normally do. 2) Is it strange to meet before talking over the phone? 3) Already have plans for Saturday night. 4) Have another girl I am talking to (on the phone) today which may also end up in meeting somewhere for coffee.

 

Or is this talking before meeting not a good thing generally?

I find it very odd that she won't talk to you on the phone, and she doesn't want to be far from her father, but she wants to meet you in person. That makes no sense.

 

15 miles is NOT far. AT all. Seriously?

 

I'm surprised you're not turned off by her agreeing to talk on the phone, but then not following through. That indicates a serious lack of interest.

 

I think it's ridiculous of her to ask you to go all the way there when she won't even speak to you on the phone first.

 

I think it's bizarre of her to want to meet you in person, but not to call you at least first. If she's concerned about her privacy, she could call you and block her number very easily.

 

Don't blow off your plans to try to accommodate this girl. As BCCA stated, she has a very low level of interest.

[Tiz]

Excellent answers here. I'll reiterate that ongoing emails back and forth with resistance to give a phone number is low interest. Cut her. She likes the attention, and that's about it.

 

You're a smart guy not taking someone you don't know for dinner even if it's $20.00. There are serial daters out there in the game solely to get free food. Going for a coffee is a smart call, so she can pass the interview assuming she shows up on time. That's a biggie in my book.

 

Has she passed the physical attraction test and vice/versa? Have you both exchanged photos?

 

I don't think driving that distance is too far even if you're driving the majority. I think 35 drivable miles is a good limit to set for dating someone.

 

Last, in the beginning of dating someone I never take them out or meet them for that first coffee date on Friday or Saturday. On Friday I disappear until Sunday. Sunday afternoons are okay. Until they ask why I'm not asking them out on weekends they only get Monday through Thursday dates. A woman that never asks this and keeps accepting dates has low interest. This presents a challenge that I've found women love.

[jimbo]

Yep, we've exchanged photos. She's a looker. No doubt bout that. I was thinking of opting out of Sat. night and shooting for Sunday morning. If she agrees, then say if something changes right before on while I am on the way, how will I get in touch with you? If she still will not give a number, than I will wish her the best. All I need is to get there and find out she isn't coming on e-mail two hours later. Its a common courtesy.

[BCCA]

Yep, we've exchanged photos. She's a looker. No doubt bout that. I was thinking of opting out of Sat. night and shooting for Sunday morning. If she agrees, then say if something changes right before on while I am on the way, how will I get in touch with you? If she still will not give a number, than I will wish her the best. All I need is to get there and find out she isn't coming on e-mail two hours later. Its a common courtesy.

 

The problem with this idea is that youve already given her your number, so she can say she'll call if something comes up, and still not give you her number.

 

I'm telling you, she has low interest if she took your number and didnt give you hers back. The way youre going to phrase it makes it look like you know shes hesitating, but youre giving her an out. I would ask her for her number directly, and ask her if shes free Sunday afternoon. Dont beat around the bush and 'trick' her into giving you her number, if she wont do it willingly, something is up.

[jimbo]

Never officially asked for her number. Just said would you like to talk over the cell sometime. Could reply with the Sunday coffee and if she replies with a go, then reply with what is your number incase something comes up or I need to contact you while on the way to her.

 

That would make sense. Doubtful theres low interest. Why suggest to meet on Saturday night if there was low interest. Makes no sense. She lives in a very ritzy area doubtful she needs the money.

[Tiz]

Yep, we've exchanged photos. She's a looker. No doubt bout that. I was thinking of opting out of Sat. night and shooting for Sunday morning. If she agrees, then say if something changes right before on while I am on the way, how will I get in touch with you? If she still will not give a number, than I will wish her the best. All I need is to get there and find out she isn't coming on e-mail two hours later. Its a common courtesy.

 

I wouldn't say setting up a date without talking to someone on the phone is that unusual, but the fact that you gave your number and she didn't give hers is suspect like BCCA said.

 

I would tell her you have plans Saturday, and change the date for the following week on a Monday through Thursday or I guess Sunday would be fine too since it's Wednesday today. I set them up 4-6 days in advance. I think it shows that the girl is not a flake, and they have interest if they even remember to show up.

 

Ask her directly for her phone number on the coffee date. If she starts jaw-flapping and mumbling nonsense. Bye bye.

[BCCA]

Never officially asked for her number. Just said would you like to talk over the cell sometime. Could reply with the Sunday coffee and if she replies with a go, then reply with what is your number incase something comes up or I need to contact you while on the way to her.

 

That would make sense.

 

I just want to point out that it looks like youre trying 'backdoor' ways of getting her number because she hasnt offered it to you. Instead of taking a look at why she isnt giving it out, youre trying to pin her into a situation where she HAS to give it to you.

 

And what are you going to do if she says she has your number, she'll call if something comes up, or will check her email if you write?

[Tiz]

I just want to point out that it looks like youre trying 'backdoor' ways of getting her number because she hasnt offered it to you. Instead of taking a look at why she isnt giving it out, youre trying to pin her into a situation where she HAS to give it to you.

 

And what are you going to do if she says she has your number, she'll call if something comes up, or will check her email if you write?

 

Exactly. You want her to give up her number the legitimate way.

[jimbo]

I just want to point out that it looks like youre trying 'backdoor' ways of getting her number because she hasnt offered it to you. Instead of taking a look at why she isnt giving it out, youre trying to pin her into a situation where she HAS to give it to you.

 

And what are you going to do if she says she has your number, she'll call if something comes up, or will check her email if you write?

 

Simple. This is not working out like I had imagined. Just don't feel comfortable in going to your town for the chance that you may not show, and that I am there waiting for no reason. Wish her well and say good bye.

[BCCA]

Simple. This is not working out like I had imagined. Just don't feel comfortable in going to your town for the chance that you may not show, and that I am there waiting for no reason. Wish her well and say good bye.

 

Dude, if it was me, and please do what you want here, but I would be done with this chick NOW. I get the feeling she is one of those people who signs up, and does all this online 'dating' that never materializes into real dates, because he intention is to get validation from men, NOT to start a healthy and meaningful relationship.

 

I might give her the chance one more time, and do what you said, but if she balks any more, and wont give you her number...you know what to do.

 

And now youre going to drive the whole way into her town...dude, I dont like this at all.

[jimbo]

Dude, if it was me, and please do what you want here, but I would be done with this chick NOW. I get the feeling she is one of those people who signs up, and does all this online 'dating' that never materializes into real dates, because he intention is to get validation from men, NOT to start a healthy and meaningful relationship.

 

I might give her the chance one more time, and do what you said, but if she balks any more, and wont give you her number...you know what to do.

 

And now youre going to drive the whole way into her town...dude, I dont like this at all.

 

Agree with you 100% BCCA. Will e-mail in the morning and see what she says.

[crazy_grl]

I don't really see any problem with her not wanting to give you her number. But then, I hate talking to people I've never met on the phone. Traumatized by customer "service" people I think. I've never done internet dating, but I think I'd prefer a meeting in person over a phone call.

 

If she wants to meet in person, there may be interest. 35 miles isn't very far, so it's not like you'd be really sacrificing by meeting up with her. What is that, like $12 in gas for both ways?

 

If she still won't give you her number AFTER you meet her, then something's majorly wrong. If she wants to meet up this weekend, go do it. Even if she picks Sat evening, it doesn't have to be dinner. You can do something else inexpensive or even free. But if she flakes on the weekend, don't waste any more effort.

Edited November 5, 2009 by crazy_grl

[Tiz]

If she wants to meet up this weekend, go do it. Even if she picks Sat evening, it doesn't have to be dinner.

 

Wrong. Men pick the date and the woman either accepts or counter offers a better night. If he's playing his dating cards right he shouldn't just let her choose a night. Like I said I'm not a weekend dater until she asks why I'm not taking her out on those nights. I'm assuming that's what you're saying, but this is beside the point.

 

jimbo, now that I think about this it seems logical to scrap this girl. I read the opening post again. If she agreed after three emails to give her phone number, and then backpedaled and continued to email without giving a number that is very telling. It's totally your call. I'd like to hear how this turns out.

[jimbo]

Wrong. Men pick the date and the woman either accepts or counter offers a better night. If he's playing his dating cards right he shouldn't just let her choose a night. Like I said I'm not a weekend dater until she asks why I'm not taking her out on those nights. I'm assuming that's what you're saying, but this is beside the point.

 

jimbo, now that I think about this it seems logical to scrap this girl. I read the opening post again. If she agreed after three emails to give her phone number, and then backpedaled and continued to email without giving a number that is very telling. It's totally your call. I'd like to hear how this turns out.

 

Never asked for her number, just said we should talk. If she okay's the reschedule I send over to her in the morning, reply back again with my number and ask for hers. Simple and harmless.

[crazy_grl]

Wrong. Men pick the date and the woman either accepts or counter offers a better night. If he's playing his dating cards right he shouldn't just let her choose a night.

 

My mistake. I forgot the man is supposed to club the woman over the head and drag her home.

 

Like I said I'm not a weekend dater until she asks why I'm not taking her out on those nights. I'm assuming that's what you're saying, but this is beside the point.

 

I wasn't referring to your weekend dating rule at all. I was responding to the OP's concern about the cost of dinner on a Sat. But since you mention it. If I were dating a guy like you and felt I had to ask why I wasn't getting a weekend date, I'd probably drop you for not seeming interested.

 

Relationships aren't about power plays, and anybody who treats them as though they are is never going to have a healthy one.

[Johnny M]

1) I am assuming she wants me to go over to her town instead of meeting somewhere in the middle;

Why are you assuming that? Unless she doesn't have a car, meet somewhere in between.

 

2) Is it strange to meet before talking over the phone?

No, it's not a bad idea. A telephone conversation with someone you don't know can be pretty awkward.

 

3) Already have plans for Saturday night.

Find another day that is mutually convenient. Don't cancel your plans because of her.

 

 

4) Have another girl I am talking to (on the phone) today which may also end up in meeting somewhere for coffee.

So? Meet them both, then decide who you like better.

[Tiz]

Never asked for her number, just said we should talk. If she okay's the reschedule I send over to her in the morning, reply back again with my number and ask for hers. Simple and harmless.

 

Some people (this girl) might consider "talking" to be emailing.

 

I would ask her face-to-face for her number, but I understand if you don't want to waste the gas? Do you want to talk with her on the phone before the reschedule, or do you want to see if she makes excuses for not giving the number.

 

Also, as for the reschedule did you just say that you had plans this weekend or did you give an actual excuse. I find that when you give an excuse even if it's true women think you're lying.