Wife messing with my head

[Onwards]

Actually, I think of her as much worse...My point is, if Winter was trying to reconcile with her for whatever HIS reasons are/were, then it might not be constructive to refer to his W in a derogatory manner given that we are trying to support HIM and HIS decisions. We can certainly caution him on our take, but the name calling just seemed counter productive, IMHO. That's all

 

 

I see what you're saying, but at the same time...using more complimentary terms than are appropriate can give a BS a skewed view of just how they've been treated by their WS.

We are not Winter's 'real life' friends...we're not here to tread carefully in case they get back together and we have to socialise with them. We're here to call it as we see it. It's not said to offend anyone, it's said to (very sharply) remind the OP that the person they are dealing with has behaved in a certain way, and that should not be overlooked or forgotten.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

We are not Winter's 'real life' friends...we're not here to tread carefully in case they get back together and we have to socialise with them.

 

That's a good point.

[WinterPain]

So yesterday afternoon, one of her best friends and her husband called me and asked if they could speak to me. I reluctantly agreed to have them over for no more than an hour.

 

They came over and spent over 2 hours with me trying to convince me that my wife has made a complete turn in her life and that she joined their church (this couple is very religious) and has committed herself to be a good moral Christian with the help of the church. They of course asked me to join them (and her) in the church and see if we can have a talk with the pastor and all that. At first I agreed thinking why not, but then I regretted the decision.

 

The whole thing seems creepy now. I'm not at all religious and I know she never really was. The whole idea is weird. I was supposed to go there tomorrow, but I think I'll have to blow them off.

 

In the meantime my Japanese friend called me Saturday to go to a club

and listen to some music. I think I could have made a move on her with no problem, but I'm not in the right mindset yet. Maybe next time.

[Scrivdog]

Is there any way you could change locations? I mean damn - you life is full of loonbags! You really need to get away.

 

Oh and do bang the Japanese lady. I think that'll help change your perspectives.

[Onwards]

So yesterday afternoon, one of her best friends and her husband called me and asked if they could speak to me. I reluctantly agreed to have them over for no more than an hour.

 

They came over and spent over 2 hours with me trying to convince me that my wife has made a complete turn in her life and that she joined their church (this couple is very religious) and has committed herself to be a good moral Christian with the help of the church. They of course asked me to join them (and her) in the church and see if we can have a talk with the pastor and all that. At first I agreed thinking why not, but then I regretted the decision.

 

The whole thing seems creepy now. I'm not at all religious and I know she never really was. The whole idea is weird. I was supposed to go there tomorrow, but I think I'll have to blow them off.

 

In the meantime my Japanese friend called me Saturday to go to a club

and listen to some music. I think I could have made a move on her with no problem, but I'm not in the right mindset yet. Maybe next time.

 

Good to see that you're staying strong WP.

In relation to the whole 'church thing'...I started seeing a girl a number of years ago who was Christian and I agreed to attend her church to see what it was like. It was a great Church but ultimately wasn't my thing...(and neither, as it turns out, was the girl).

 

IF, however, the Church was the 'make or break' for our relationship and I was of a certain type of personality....I could see that I could have joined the Church in order to keep the girl (whilst not recognising/acknowledging my true motives for doing so).

 

My point? The actions of your ex are those of a desperate woman. She is trying to paint herself as changed...and what better way of doing that than finding God and becoming 'moral'?

 

If she was truly doing it only for herself and was happy with her own lot, she wouldn't feel the need to put her friends up to contacting you and pleading her case. She is surprising even me with the lengths she is willing to go to in order to manipulate you.

 

Mark my words...once she realises that this latest attempt has proven futile, the Church will be history for her.

[Church Bells]

I agree with the others. Getting "religion" has been used by people for ages in an attempt to gain instant credibility when NONE has been earned. It's just a cheap trick used by the truly DESPERATE.

 

Personally, I wouldn't just "blow them off" ... I'd call them and tell them you've reconsidered and have no interest in participating. Clean, direct, quick and HONEST!!!

[Chrome Barracuda]

actions speaks my friends, I wouldnt believe that christian ish either they be hypocrites up in those churches for real...

 

Sinning on saturday, repenting on sunday. lol.

 

Is she still seeing or talking to the OM? then their is nothing to talk about.

[mem11363]

WP,

You are going to repeatedly put yourself in close proximity to this woman.

 

Why?

 

Most convicts usually go the route of religion to get forgiven faster for their offences. Most still re-offend. Your ex wife didn't just cheat. She slowly ground your nose in it. She laughed in your face. It wasn't enough to cheat she had to humiliate and degrade you.

 

Are you really so sure that out of 3 billion females on the planet, she is the one you want to give another shot at with your heart? Seems like she has already shown how much respect she has for you.

 

Financial reality has now set in for her. If she truly loves you - she can wait until the divorce is over - this would be fair "pennance" for what she did to you and if truly repentant she won't argue. And if you want to remarry with a 100 percent prenup go ahead. She will have no interest. She just isn't that into you. If you let her come back now and take your money and crush your heart again well you are not so smart.

 

 

So yesterday afternoon, one of her best friends and her husband called me and asked if they could speak to me. I reluctantly agreed to have them over for no more than an hour.

 

They came over and spent over 2 hours with me trying to convince me that my wife has made a complete turn in her life and that she joined their church (this couple is very religious) and has committed herself to be a good moral Christian with the help of the church. They of course asked me to join them (and her) in the church and see if we can have a talk with the pastor and all that. At first I agreed thinking why not, but then I regretted the decision.

 

The whole thing seems creepy now. I'm not at all religious and I know she never really was. The whole idea is weird. I was supposed to go there tomorrow, but I think I'll have to blow them off.

 

In the meantime my Japanese friend called me Saturday to go to a club

and listen to some music. I think I could have made a move on her with no problem, but I'm not in the right mindset yet. Maybe next time.

[Culthbert]

It might be interesting to ask these friends of hers or this pastor what her plan is to make up for all the damage she caused. And what her plan is to win back your trust. She says she's found religion, which is all well and good, but they will have to excuse you if you are a bit skeptical about the whole thing - after what she put you through. After all, she didn't just have an affair and get caught - she flaunted it, and (as another poster put it) rubbed your nose in it. How on earth does suddenly joining a church make up for that?

 

It might also be interesting to hear the pastor's answer to this question: she put her affair partner ahead of you, are you now expected to take a back seat to her newfound faith? Are you expected to start going to this church, too? And if you don't, and she does, than how can you trust that she wouldn't start an affair with a prayer group leader or small group leader or choir director? Statistically, after all, the rate of infidelity within the church is exactly the same as it is in the outside world.

 

Might be interesting to hear their reactions... but might not be worth having to sit in a room with your STBXW and her pastor...

[HeyThere]

Winter please remember how your wife humiliated you with the other man and how Painful that was. In the past month she has not changed that drastically (years of therapy needed) and manipulating you with religion is not what religion is about.

 

This thread makes me think your wife is skin deep – beautiful on the outside and very troubled on the inside. Don’t get sucked back in to a relationship where you were humiliated and puking because of it. There are many beautiful and caring women out in the world. Let this relationship go and create a new chapter in your life.

 

Listen to all the great advice, predicting how your wife would do anything and everything to get you back.

 

Be strong not for us but, your self-esteem needs to be reinforced.

Edited January 12, 2010 by HeyThere

[TaraMaiden]

WinterPain, what did we tell you....??

 

WHAT DID WE TELL YOU - ?!?!!?

 

We told you, time and time again, that she would do everything she could, and anything she could think of - to draw you back into her snare.

One afternoon in Church, occasionally, does not a devout and remorseful Christian make.

Just contact them, and tell them - you have changed your mind, and will not be turning up after all.

That's it.

Broach no response, no imploring, no supplication, no cajoling, no convincing, no argument. You don't even give them an instant to reply.

You merely say -

"Hello, this is *WinterPain*.

I'm sure you're full of good intentions, but just to let you know, I won't be coming after all. Thanks. goodbye!"

 

That's it. The be all and end all.

You are not obliged to do anything at all, nor to justify your decision.

You're in No Contact, and you're divorcing the woman, for goodness' sake!

Do not leave yourself vulnerable to her manipulation - YET again!!

 

Sheeesh!! First sex, now Religion!

All we need is for her to invite you to a Republican Political rally and we have the three taboos!

 

Don't go down any route with her.

because she's about to be history!!

[shineonu]

I've spent the past 4 hours reading this entire thread at work.

I don't know if LS has a Best-Of. But if it does, that's where this thread belongs.

 

WP, As someone who is a year divorced, I can tell you that these people are right-on the money with their advice.

 

best of luck to you.

[lostsunsets]

Please read your first post again. In fact I would print it off then send it to her. Ask her to remember how much fun she had telling you that she was going away to screw this guy for the weekend and if she remembers how you begged her to not go. Ask her if she jacks off her boyfriend while smirking at him and telling him that she is going to get back with her husband.

[WinterPain]

I'm doing terrible lately. I'm in this funk I can't seem to shake. I don't know what to do with myself when I'm alone, so I've been going to the gym more, been going to activities at night. But the minute I get back to my place and I'm alone, I feel like complete sh*t.

 

Yeah I know my wife is a monster and all that, but dammit I miss her. I still cringe at the idea that she'll eventually be with someone else and she'll most likely forget about me. She won't have any feelings for me at some point.

 

Yeah I know this is messed up, but that's where I'm at right now. I slept with my Japanese woman friend last Saturday. I felt great for maybe a day, then it made me miss my ex more.

 

But other than that, I have not seen the ex, nor have I from her except that my lawyer told me she's lawyered up already and so it looks to me like the communication links are gone.

[TaraMaiden]

Oh, hun, I'm so sorry.....

What happened about this meeting organised by the christian dudes?

What did you end up doing?

 

The only comfort I can give you, is that this is hurting, because you are a kind, loving sensitive and compassionate person.

The reason this might be hurting her is because she's getting what's coming to her, and she can't believe you'd be capable of it.

 

She's all lawyered up?

no problem.

You're safe and she's acting too little too late.

If she'd meant what she said about getting back with you, a lawyer would be the last thing on her mind.

Though I can see why she's done it....

[HeyThere]

Sorry for what you are going through. You need to be strong and to fight through this. Your wife will not forget you for many reasons but, mostly because you stood up for yourself. The important point is that you not forget all the bulls**t/ pain she put you through.

 

Keep your brother close and start looking for a high quality therapist.

Edited January 20, 2010 by HeyThere

[Culthbert]

WinterPain, I'm so sorry to hear how you are hurting. I know this is hard for you. Personally, I believe that the husband and wife becoming "one flesh" is not just a metaphor... and so going through a divorce can feel like an amputation. However, I want to offer you two thoughts:

 

First, no matter how bleak things feel right now... you will be happy again. There will come a time in your life when you are happy again. There is an old saying that dates back to Roman times: "This, too, shall pass." It is considered the one statement that is universally true, and it has survived over the millenia because it is true. You will be happy again, and because you are a caring man with a big heart, I believe there is no question that you will find love again.

 

The second thing I want to say is that I don't think there is any question that your wife will forget all about you. I do not believe that for a second. Just as you, married to her, have a bond with her that even now is causing you pain - so does she, married to you, have a bond with you. And I believe she has a nagging voice in the back of her head that tells her she's done you wrong. And I believe she will always regret the way she treated you, although she will pile up rationalizations in her mind to justify her actions to herself. However, while I think she will always regret how she treated you... I doubt that she is strong enough to change her behavior... or even to honestly admit to herself that she is wrong. She has lied to you, over and over... but I believe she is also lieing to herself.

 

I'm sorry you felt bad after sleeping with your friend. That kind of regret is why I recommended staying away from women until your divorce is final and your heart has had a chance to recover from the abuse you've been thru. I understand why you slept with her... but I don't think you'll find what you need right now with her in that way.

 

I hope you feel better today. You are going through a protracted, drawn-out series of terribly sad events. It is only natural that you will feel down much of the time. So many other people before you have gone through this... and gone through the sadness and the pain. And they've come through to the other side and found happiness again. And you will, too. But just as happiness and joy are a part of life, a part of the human condition - so is sadness and grief and loss. And both the highs and the lows exist for a reason.

 

Please stay in touch and let us know how you are doing.

[2.50 a gallon]

"When I get home I'm alone"

 

Wasn't it this way when you had moved out and she was giving you minor sexual favors. Why not get a pet, a kitten, a dog, or even a gold fish, something that you can share a life with, something that you can love and needs you

 

Learn to cook, each night prepare yourself a good meal, it takes time, time that you are not thinking about your sitch, also in the long run, when you are ready to really date again, you can bring them over to your place for a good meal and a night of fun.

 

Do what ever it takes to keep yourself busy, a hobby, whatever, just to keep you mind from wandering. Have you thought about moving again, perhaps the old place has too many triggers to keep you down in the dumps.

[ThumbingMyWay]

I'm doing terrible lately. I'm in this funk I can't seem to shake.

 

 

Been a while Winter.....how are things going?

[ConflictedGuy27]

Hey Winter and everybody else.

 

I wanted to chime in just to say that following Winter's story and how he remained relatively strong despite his emotions really is an inspiration to me and my situation w/ my STBX.

 

I hope all's well with WP and await some good news.

 

Like WP, I too have a wife not worth returning to, but would like to. I know she's poison and therefore I'm doing my best to work on me and stay away from her.

 

Thanks for the inspiration WP. I bet when you wrote that first post you never thought your actions would help other men in similar situations.

 

Thanks for sharing and be strong out there.