Is she asking me out?

[bd10]

Hi all,

 

been out of the dating game for a bit and would highly appreciate your opinion on my little dilemma.

 

Over dinner at an old friend's place I met her friend who was visiting for the weekend. We had some good conversation, laughs and all. All of us unexpectedly met the next day while I was on my way to the office. Before we all left she asked me why don't I come for a visit (lives at the other end of the UK, relative to London), her friends would have her number etc.

Mailed a few lines on FB when I came back to the UK the week later (was off travelling, no internet etc). In one of the emails the sentence "I would be really delighted if you drop by for a visit". Called her a few days later to chat and agree on a mutually convenient time. We found a weekend, 4 weeks from now. The next two she'll be busy anyways. As for the weekend in question, she invited me to join her to some music event hosted by friends of friends of hers. Accepted of course

 

Perhaps I am totally misconstruing things, but I cannot help but to see this as a date. Ladies and Gents, am I wrong?

 

(I hope I am not mistaken since she is wonderful. Like her a big deal).

 

Many thanks for your opinion,

 

Ben

[GiveAndTake]

I would say, yes, she asked you out and yes, you have a date.

 

good luck!

[lab_brat]

Yup, its a date. Have fun! But, unless you've discussed it, don't assume you'll be sleeping over.

[SoulSearch_CO]

Cute. Looks like a date to me. I hope things go well.

[bd10]

Hi all,

 

I am taking the liberty and give you a brief up-date how things went.

 

We had a very nice dinner Friday night, she invited two of her friends to join us in. After we walked them back, we ended up talking till 3am. The range of subjects was vast. It also transpired that she was/is seeing an guy whom she has been best friends for a long time. That was a rather confusing situation since she sent me signals (plenty of smiling, long and repeated eye contact (4 sec+, diluted pupils etc), fidgeting with her hair as she was a bit nervous). However, she never brought this up. She only responded to her friends inquiring.

Anyways, Saturday evening she suggested a jazz bar. Had a drink first with her flat mates in a pub around the corner. Perhaps playfully she had her head on shoulder. Now, the interesting thing was outside. She went for a quick smoke and we were talking about life, this and that. As for her "to-do list" in life, she literally said she wants/needs a man. Given the foreign language vernacular, this would translate as to she wishes for a serious relationship or marriage.

 

On Sunday, I was touring the city mostly by myself since she was preparing lunch. (She walked with me to the city center and went back as a bird was in the oven) Again, when I returned, she had a cute smile.

 

When I left, she repeated her invitation for me to come up and visit again. Gladly accepted of course.

 

 

Well, my first question to you ladies would be: what do you make out of that? Is this friend she is/was seeing a real issue? (Mind you, she never used the term boyfriend or alike, also he is 4y younger and I heard there have been some commitment issues, also in one instance, she must not have stood up for her. Also, I stayed over at her place, her room in the sleeping bag).

 

Secondly, now that I know she loves the ballet, would I go over the top to invite her in Jan to the opera house (black tie and all - quite the opera buff myself)? Plan to see her beforehand anyway. The idea would be: the ballet would be my treat. What do you think? I would not say this is a date but I am sure whe would get the drift.

 

 

Many thanks and looking forward to hear your opinion!

 

Much appreciated.

 

Ben

[SoulSearch_CO]

No way of telling if the other guy she's seeing is "serious" or just a friend. You might ask your mutual friends.

 

As for the invite to the ballet - yes! That sounds awesome. Even if this other guy is remotely serious, sweep her off her feet with romance and she'll quickly forget him. If anything, it's possible he's backburnered.

[jerseyboy]

You went all the way out there and thats all ?

 

Really?

 

You need to be a bit more aggressive

[VeveCakes]

Next time you talk to her just ask. Say "you know, I am really enjoying getting to know you and would like to persue something with us etc. Are you tied to someone else...how would you feel about that blah blah"

 

The easiest way to find out is to ask.

[Ody]

why don't I come for a visit (lives at the other end of the UK, relative to London)

[...]

It also transpired that she was/is seeing an guy whom she has been best friends for a long time. That was a rather confusing situation since she sent me signals

[...]

As for her "to-do list" in life, she literally said she wants/needs a man. Given the foreign language vernacular, this would translate as to she wishes for a serious relationship or marriage.

[...]

When I left, she repeated her invitation for me to come up and visit again. Gladly accepted of course.

 

Am I the only one who sees some huge red flags? BD10 I might get heat for this but I think you are about to get played. It's the lopsided travel plans - you always going up to see her - mixed with the fact she has a semi-serious relationship at the moment and the fact that you guys didn't really hook up despite a long distance travel thing over an entire weekend. I could be wrong but I think you should be wary.

[jerseyboy]

Next time you talk to her just ask. Say "you know, I am really enjoying getting to know you and would like to persue something with us etc. Are you tied to someone else...how would you feel about that blah blah"

 

The easiest way to find out is to ask.

 

 

Nah

 

Its not the most horrific advice I suppose, if you wish to get into a therapist/best friend/bore me with all the quibbling little thoughts in your mind dynamic with her.

 

And what she thinks she feels right now is rather pointless, as it will change with how their own relationship progresses, as will her motivations as her feelings progress.

 

Cart before the horse.

 

This guy hasnt even made out with her yet, so rather pointless to be discussing long term relationship dynamics with her at this point.

[jerseyboy]

Am I the only one who sees some huge red flags? BD10 I might get heat for this but I think you are about to get played. It's the lopsided travel plans - you always going up to see her - mixed with the fact she has a semi-serious relationship at the moment and the fact that you guys didn't really hook up despite a long distance travel thing over an entire weekend. I could be wrong but I think you should be wary.

 

 

I dont disagree.

 

Frankly he lost me at I have to go travel to the other end of the country to see her thing lol

[DustySaltus]

Am I the only one who sees some huge red flags? BD10 I might get heat for this but I think you are about to get played. It's the lopsided travel plans - you always going up to see her - mixed with the fact she has a semi-serious relationship at the moment and the fact that you guys didn't really hook up despite a long distance travel thing over an entire weekend. I could be wrong but I think you should be wary.

 

Agree completely. it's funny how her friends brought it up too. Almost like to say "What the hell are you doing, aren't you seeing someone"? She wants to have her cake and eat it too.

 

Remember, how you get them is how you keep them. You're sleeping on the floor of her bedroom when she's already in a relationship. Where do you see this heading? What's makes you so different that down the line she wouldn't do the same thing to you??

 

She has no idea what she wants right now. I say leave it alone.

[carhill]

She has no idea what she wants right now. I say leave it alone.

 

BTDT. This is good advice. Hope you're listening, OP.

[VeveCakes]

Nah

 

Its not the most horrific advice I suppose, if you wish to get into a therapist/best friend/bore me with all the quibbling little thoughts in your mind dynamic with her.

 

And what she thinks she feels right now is rather pointless, as it will change with how their own relationship progresses, as will her motivations as her feelings progress.

 

Cart before the horse.

 

This guy hasnt even made out with her yet, so rather pointless to be discussing long term relationship dynamics with her at this point.

 

Thats not what I meant...I was meaning to ask her if she is single....not if she wanted to commit to a serious relationship.

 

If the girl runs from that then she clearly isnt interested in the first place.

[Ody]

Thats not what I meant...I was meaning to ask her if she is single....not if she wanted to commit to a serious relationship.

 

If the girl runs from that then she clearly isnt interested in the first place.

 

 

The real danger for OP in asking is that the woman would just lie. "Sure, I'm looking for a serious relationship" and meanwhile keeps sleeping with her friend or whatever her agenda is. Something about the whole situation... ehh I don't know, my Spidey Sense is going off. I think it could hurt to to ask, not in the way jerseyboy says, but if she lies and he swallows it hook line and sinker. If OP is unsure whether he even had a date, he might not be the most worldly, saavy person and vulnerable to such things (heck even the saavy people are!).

 

Not saying it's not a good question to ask generally. But all the one-sided travel, and this "old friend" hanging around... eh... Plus it is premature, JB is def right on that. A lot of people, both women and men, get a little weirded out when hit with the relationship type questions before even being kissed!

Edited November 19, 2009 by Ody

[Ody]

It also transpired that she was/is seeing an guy whom she has been best friends for a long time. That was a rather confusing situation since she sent me signals (plenty of smiling, long and repeated eye contact (4 sec+, diluted pupils etc), fidgeting with her hair as she was a bit nervous). However, she never brought this up. She only responded to her friends inquiring.

 

Wait, hold up, what does this "seeing" mean. Is she sleeping with this guy? Did she make out with him in front of said friends? Or just have lunch with this guy and has some gossipy friends? Let's not be delicate about it, these are pretty important details.

 

 

 

for her. Also, I stayed over at her place, her room in the sleeping bag).

 

Secondly, now that I know she loves the ballet, would I go over the top to invite her in Jan to the opera house (black tie and all - quite the opera buff myself)? Plan to see her beforehand anyway. The idea would be: the ballet would be my treat. What do you think? I would not say this is a date but I am sure whe would get the drift.

 

OK I really can't figure out if you are just waaaaayyy to timid, or this woman is getting over on you. Are you buying her other things? You mentioned a language barrier, is there some kind of marriage/visa angle that's possible (I realize this is probably more of a USA thing than a UK thing). Is she way more attractive than you, or younger, or some other imbalance? Have you been out of the dating game due to recent divorce or some other thing that leaves you a bit vulnerable? Does she have a bunch of nice men who dote on her and she likes the attention?

 

Anyway, if any of those answers about gifts and visas and being younger and pretty and such are "yes" I really think you are being used here, combined with you being kind of vulnerable or desperate.

 

If not, well you need to man up and make a move and quit analyzing. Sure I've bought plane fares and ballet tickets and such with women but never to end up in a damn sleeping bag. Either we're fooling around, or dating, or both, but I wouldn't fly out a casual platonic friend I've seen twice in my life to see the ballet! Maybe a long old time friend that is platonic, and certainly a girlfriend, but this woman.... What exactly are you thinking? This is what makes me think you might be a bit desperate. Don't buy the ballet tix until you see her again and only then if things get all romantic for you guys.

Edited November 19, 2009 by Ody

[VeveCakes]

The real danger for OP in asking is that the woman would just lie. "Sure, I'm looking for a serious relationship" and meanwhile keeps sleeping with her friend or whatever her agenda is. Something about the whole situation... ehh I don't know, my Spidey Sense is going off. I think it could hurt to to ask, not in the way jerseyboy says, but if she lies and he swallows it hook line and sinker. If OP is unsure whether he even had a date, he might not be the most worldly, saavy person and vulnerable to such things (heck even the saavy people are!).

 

Not saying it's not a good question to ask generally. But all the one-sided travel, and this "old friend" hanging around... eh... Plus it is premature, JB is def right on that. A lot of people, both women and men, get a little weirded out when hit with the relationship type questions before even being kissed!

 

 

I get what you're saying, but asking someone if they are single before you make out with them is standard.

 

Also just want to add that if you met someone that you were TOTALLY into and they asked you anything like that would you really be put off? not likely, those who get scared away weren't really interested in the first place.

 

I'm all about all or nothing.

[Ody]

I get what you're saying, but asking someone if they are single before you make out with them is standard.

 

Also just want to add that if you met someone that you were TOTALLY into and they asked you anything like that would you really be put off? not likely, those who get scared away weren't really interested in the first place.

 

I'm all about all or nothing.

 

OK, I misread as asking "do you want a relationship with me" but looking back yes you were pretty clear. Sorry, my bad. And "are you single" is 100% reasonable to ask and would never put me off. I think there is a difference between these questions.

 

Yes, a girl I am *totally* into could probably ask just about anything at any point. Alas those girls are few and far between.

Edited November 19, 2009 by Ody

[Yukikazi]

1. Stop ***ing driving to her.

2. If she wants you in any sense.. she can drive her happy ass down to you.

3. You are giving her loads of value and qualifying to her. You are showing her you are a pushover willing to go cross country to make her happy but not getting any reciprocation in the process.. don't tell me you are happy with the way things are going. You had the opportunity that weekend to make a move.. you didn't.. you are now in the friend zone.

4. What does she have going for her that makes her worthy of your time?

5. What has she done that makes her worth driving that far?

 

All you are currently doing it putting yourself in the friend zone by acquiescing to her demands and needs. If she wants you.. she can put in a little effort herself.. stop trying to prove to her why you are the right man.. make her prove to you that she is a worthy woman.

 

You are acting like an AFC

[VeveCakes]

OK, I misread as asking "do you want a relationship with me" but looking back yes you were pretty clear. Sorry, my bad. And "are you single" is 100% reasonable to ask and would never put me off. I think there is a difference between these questions.

 

Yes, a girl I am *totally* into could probably ask just about anything at any point. Alas those girls are few and far between.

 

Yes and so are the men....but so worth holding out for lol

[bd10]

Hi all,

 

thank you for all your feedback, and thanks for being open about it.

 

 

@Ody/all:

I do not see anything wrong with not sleeping in the same bed while I slept over at hers. When a friend of mince at uni had his friend over he took the couch in the living room, as both are conservative Xtians. They married in the end.

In the case here, she is Jewish, not black-hat but conservative enough. Her friends she had over for dinner Friday night were even "shomer negia" (no hand-shaking, very orthodox custom).

 

She never said she was going out with him. First of all she never mentioned anything to me. (In many cases in the past I was tipped-off with "my boyfriend" being slipped in a sentence)

From what I overheard, they are friends-friends for quite some time. He's 4 years younger, apparently never goes to synagogue with her and is non-observant. We went to synagogue together and I did not see him. If I was going out with a girl here at home and would not go, eyebrows would be raised, or questions about how serious I/she would be would be raised.

But why on earth would she quite openly say she needed a man. (This badly translates from German) Viewed from this angle, she is looking for guy who is a marital prospect at some point. And why on earth would she voice something like that if this fellow were to fit the bill?

So I don't really think she is playing me.

 

 

Ben

Edited November 20, 2009 by bd10