She won't leave her bf!! Should I end it??

[SkullK1d]

My first post here ever. I'm a 21yo student working in Japan for a year.

 

I'm so sorry how long this is... please at least read some of it and respond. I'm exhausted from the pain so I'm grateful for any feedback.

 

To make a very long and complicated story short, I turned down my first love, K, because I was infatuated with another girl who had a bf that beat me to the punch, and I thought I could wait for her. After I realized I was in love with K, she told me she already got a new bf. I'm leaving Japan at the end of May. This kills me because I don't want to seem needy, but I don't have a lot of time to take action either.

 

While waiting for the girl I was infatuated with and wondering whether she liked me too, I also went out with other girls, including K. We went out three times. The second time we had our first kiss along with heavy makeout, the third time she asked to be a couple with me. In a nutshell I told her to wait until I understand my true feelings, then I can decide to have a meaningful relationship with her, and in the meantime I will see other girls. Her English is pretty good but we still have to hold bilingual conversations. So when I said "wait" she heard "no". This misunderstanding is what destroyed us.

 

That was around the end of November. Between that time and Christmas, we were still intimate. For example, we were always flirting, when we went anywhere we were next to each other, touching and holding hands or cuddling or whatever, although she was a little stand-offish at times. I was always a few notches above friend status with her since I "turned her down" thinking she was still waiting for me. I spent Christmas with my family who came to Japan, and after they left I began to realize the feelings inside me were really love. So I worked hard to make room in my heart for her as my gf. During the second week of January I told K the good news that I accept to be her bf. That's when she said she already met someone else in December, an old friend.

 

Since then we've had a sort of emotional affair that is slowly dying. I tried LC (she works at the same company), for a couple weeks, then I confronted her and we addressed most of our major issues. She said I broke her heart and she tried to forget about me when she met her new bf. But when I dispelled the misunderstanding that I never told her "no" I just said "wait", she told me she has conflicting feelings. She said she would be my gf is she hadn't met up with her old friend. I told her she can be with me now, or wait with no guarantees later. She said she won't leave her bf. When she asked if we could still go out together as friends, I said I wouldn't be her friend. I love her too much and it wouldn't be fair to me. So she and I considered a secret meeting where we could have sex later. So far it hasn't happened.

 

This week I decided to give her a small test, to arrange an intimate meeting as more than friends. I invited her to go with me to a cherry blossom viewing party on a houseboat which is in two weeks. She told me she had many important invitations that day and she isn't going with me. I've decided that is a very bad sign and maybe I should end everything with her.

 

I feel sick. We never loved each other at the same time. We never even got to try a relationship... we just had this weird vibe hanging over both of us this whole time, and she told me she's never had this kind of relationship with anyone before. She's really on the fence about what she's willing to do with me, but she seems to be more and more secure with her new bf. I have not been needy or lost my self-respect with her. I've been nothing short of cool and collected in front of her. I even go out with other girls, although I feel empty with them.

 

There is so much more to the story but for now my most urgent question is:

Should I try to keep her in my life or just lose her completely and try to move on with one of the other girls I'm going out with before I have to leave the country?

 

I feel miserable imagining her in my life with someone else, but I also feel miserable imagining her out of my life completely... I've dated a lot since i got here, but I've never felt motivated to be in a relationship before her. She really is the first girl I ever loved.

 

I appreciate any feedback. I have no one to talk to here... no one I know here knows what's going on between K and me. I feel so hopelessly alone and physically sick to my stomach. And I still have to wear a smile everyday. I'm dying to give more details, so please ask for them if needed.

 

Thank you to anyone who will help.

[EPD]

I'm sorry for what you're going through, and believe me, I understand your pain.

 

I have a question though- if you are leaving Japan in May, what will become of your relationship with K, if she agrees to be your gf? Long distance? Ask her to come with you?

[SkullK1d]

Thanks for taking quick notice of me. The fact that another person is talking to me about this is a major relief.

 

The ideal situation, as I see it, is to start the relationship before I leave so we spend time together as a couple, then maintain a LDR while I finish college back in the States (maybe 1.5~2 years) then come back to Japan.

 

K would have been my first "official" gf ever. But now the clock is ticking and I want to enjoy a relationship in person before I leave, but I don't know if it's fair to me to wait for her while her feelings for me slowly but surely fade to nothing. Then I leave without ever having enjoyed a mutually loving relationship at all.

 

At the same time, if I commit to another girl, I would feel so much like I'm betraying K. At the very least I want my first gf also to be my first love. Unfortunately, the other 2 girls that are currently trying to get serious with me, I have no feelings for. Which would normally be fine because I could maybe develop feelings for them later, but in my heart I have already given myself to K. The thought of touching anyone else besides her makes me sick.

 

I could pathetically maintain what's left of the emotional affair we have going, or I could just end everything with her altogether, or just try to be friends with an alterior motive (I can do this tactfully, but again, there's a time limit), or just be platonic and cut my losses. That's really the most immediate choice I'm trying to make right now.

 

It's based on this shift of power:

When she asked me for the relationship, I had all the power. We were very initimate, yet she was still wondering about my feelings for her, and was quote "nervous" about it, mostly because she's never madeout with a guy so quickly before becoming serious. Then, when I finally agreed to be her boyfriend and expressed my feelings for her in January, the power shifted almost completely to her side. This is because she knew my true feelings, THEN told me about her new boyfriend.

 

So now, anything I do other than ending it altogether (contact, friendship, everything) seems almost pathetic. The only way I could act without ending it all AND without being pathetic is to use strategies that take time, time which I don't have. That's what's chewing at my insides.

 

Again, everyone, thanks for responding. I'm not looking for magic bullets or the perfect advice. I just need real people to talk to... anything helps. Please, let's keep this going.

[EPD]

Ok, I think I understand what you're saying. I am about 15 years older than you but I still remember what things like this were like at your age and I know how much it hurts and how uncertain it can make you feel. Love can hurt no matter what age, wish I didn't know that fact but I do.

 

Unfortunately I have to go out of town for a couple days without my laptop but I will respond to what you wrote when I return. Hang in there, you will be ok! I promise.

 

[SkullK1d]

Oh god...

I dreamed about her last night.

I thought I was making progress...

[Melrapuo]

Oh god...

I dreamed about her last night.

I thought I was making progress...

 

It's ok. Don't take it as a step back. You honestly cannot control your dreams. You're still making progress. This may happen for a while, but eventually they will lessen and fade.

[SkullK1d]

Thanks Mel. I shouldn't blame myself for something I can't control. It's hard not to blame yourself in a time like this, though.

 

Although today I did something idiotic. K sent me a message, during work yesterday, reiterating the fact that she's not going with me to a cherry-blossom event I planned for the two of us. She asked if I had any other ideas about meeting. That was a major setback for me. A new wave of hope slammed me in the face. I told her I am now going to the cherry-blossom event with a different girl, but I promised wouldn't get intimate with her, hoping to demonstrate a little subtle committment to K. Then I offered a few other dates citing that I thought it's important for us to meet during cherry blossom season (a special time for lovers in Japan).

 

Here's where I'm sure I messed up, and I'm just waiting for the message that is sure to come tonight or tomorrow, dashing my hopes as quicker than they arose. She responded this morning, again at work, in slightly awkward English saying she doesn't care what I do, that she doesn't want to restrict my freedom. She didn't mention anything about meeting me. I was so hurt that she doesn't care, I replied this afternoon. I broke my rule of saving the message in my drafts folder for at least a few hours or a day before sending it. Here's what I sent:

 

***

You really don't understand.

I'm not free if I still love you. I feel sick if I touch another girl.

I wish you knew how much it hurts me when you write "I don't care".

I tried so hard since January, but I can't forget you...

Every time I go out with another girl, I think about you.

How did you stop loving me so quickly? Every time I try to stop loving you, it hurts so much.

***

 

I hiss with embarrassment just reading what I wrote. I was so overwhelmed with emotions that I lost it. I am banking on our history, the fact that the message is not in her first language, my physical display of confidence whenever she sees me, and the remnants of our emotional affair to soften the desperation and weakness this email projects.

 

I'm really working hard trying not to blame myself and to cleanse myself of regrets, but how can I when I do stupid stuff like this??

[carhill]

You said your piece, now go NC and focus on your life. Enjoy the young lady who is going with you to cherry blossom festival. She deserves all of your attention. You and K are done for now. Life is long. Many adventures to enjoy

[SpanksTheMonkey]

I agree with carhill you got out what was on your mind no shame in that! The shame would be if you continued to pursue her now if she doesn't respond.

 

Also I just noticed something reading your posts having the "power" in relationships seams to be very important to you?

 

With out having the upper hand you almost seam lost not a good habit to get into true loving relationships are a equal balance of "power" just some food for thought..

 

Also is it really a great idea for you guys to have been talking about making "secret sex dates" when shes already seeing some one? doesn't that ring any bells for you?

[SkullK1d]

Last night, I went to sleep early. I couldn't stand to even be awake.

I just checked my email this morning.

 

K replied to my impulsive email. I am so emotional I don't have the strength to stand up. I am not being dramatic.

 

She said...

"In fact, I care. I can't forget you, too. I think now I don't have the right to saying 'I care'.........so I said 'I don't care'. I'm sorry I didn't have intention of hurting you."

She wants us to continue with our secret meeting, in fact she set one up during cherry blossom season

 

She is worried it will hurt both of us more... but I doubt it. What hurts me is if I deny my feelings and stay away from her even after she said she still cares about me. She said she won't separate from her boyfriend but she still has feelings for me and wants us to be happy.

 

I think, that after we have one meeting, it will snowball into another, and another. And, the more we meet, the likelier it will be that my first love will become my first girlfriend, and a lifetime of regret can be averted.

 

I know what some of you are thinking. "If she does this with you she'll do it with the next guy." But you really don't know K, she is not the type. She has never had such a relationship with someone before. She said it was dividing her in half, but she couldn't forget her feelings.

 

We are merely reaching out to one another in circumstances that are keeping us apart. The only "cheating" that will occur is that on ourselves if we don't try to be together. We fell in love with each other first, and, now I know, we are still in love. For once, we didn't miss each other...

[SpanksTheMonkey]

 

She said she won't separate from her boyfriend but she still has feelings for me and wants us to be happy.

 

 

We are merely reaching out to one another in circumstances that are keeping us apart. The only "cheating" that will occur is that on ourselves if we don't try to be together. We fell in love with each other first, and, now I know, we are still in love. For once, we didn't miss each other...

Now that just doesn't make sense to me sorry if the other guy is the "circumstances" then why wont she leave him 1st before cheating on the poor guy and yes it is cheating! Truthfully I get repulsed by how selfish some people can be anymore

[sedgwick]

Could you ever really trust someone who would cheat on someone else to be with you?

[hopesndreams]

Sounds as though you are going to be her "bit on the side" until you leave for Japan. She's pretty confident her bf won't find out about any of this too. If you want to get together with someone who is deceitful--then go for it. You sound a bit deceitful yourself as it happens....you know she is with someone else but still want to be "with" her. I feel for her bf...he deserves much better.

[SkullK1d]

Hello everyone.

 

I've been away for a few days but I'm back now. I realize I am in somewhat of an unconventional situation here. I appreciate those of you genuinely trying to help get me through this.

 

Since reading K's message, I've finally calmed down a little bit.

 

It's strange. I was ecstatic at first, and now everything just feels ...right. This is the first stretch of stability I've had since January. Knowing that we can both finally be honest with each other about our feelings after all this drama, it's an incredible relief...

 

This is not a classic situation. I am not the guy that came along, I am not the new interest. Her new bf is. For all practical purposes K and I were an unofficial couple right up til Christmas. She loved me before and during the relationship with the new bf, so by being with me she is being consistent with feelings that have always been between us, not the other way around. She didn't know my true feelings so she tried to move on. So as far as I'm concerned the new bf is the rebound to our unofficial relationship. All the pain I have been feeling up until now has felt exactly like a breakup. In fact I've been using breakup advice to cope this whole time.

 

This girl gave me feelings I was too inexperienced and ignorant to recognize because I've never been in love before in my entire life. I was sick of feeling empty all the time. These feelings compelled me to go through the agonizing process of finally letting someone into my heart -only to have her tell me that she found somebody else. All because of a misunderstanding that I regret to this day. Since then I've been emerging from a living hell where I had to go through the doubly agonizing process of forgetting her over and over again, each time I see her or read a message from her. All the while not knowing how she truly felt about me anymore, wondering if she even still cared. All I could do was think about her every morning and every night, thinking of another guy's hands touching her, replaying the day over and over again where had I just reworded myself a little differently, had I been able to recognize my feelings just a little bit faster, the last two months of pain could have been replaced with beautiful memories with her...

 

For 60 days I deprived myself while we hung onto a thread of an emotional affair. I gave her space. I tried to let her be. I cried so hard trying to stop loving her for both our sakes. When she didn't want to go with me to the cherry blossom event, I was convinced it was over. Do you know why I posted in the "Coping" section? I was so sure it would be downhill from there. Before I completely lost my mind I sent her that one last email to say my final piece, just so she and I could both have a little closure.

 

Then she replied saying she still has feelings to be with me.

 

Now I decide to take this last glimmer of hope before it disappears completely, to perhaps be happy with her for a little while before I have to leave, yet Spanks, you would call me selfish?!

 

Carhill, you're absolutely right, the young lady who is going with me next week deserves my full attention when I see her. I will definitely give her a good time. But I already made a promise not to betray K's feelings so I won't do anything to destroy what I've suffered so much for. Of course, as you will read later, if I find that K is willing to betray my feelings, then I will move on.

 

To be honest, the girl that some of you are describing is not the K I know. However, love can be blinding, and one of the reasons I'm even on this forum is to get a pat on the back and the occasional slap upside the head.

 

I've learned to accept that this meeting may just be a cushion for her guilt or pity for me or whatever. I'll be damned if I'm going to be used, even by her. At that meeting, either she will break up with her boyfriend and be with me, and I will know that she truly still loves me like she did before, or I will refuse to see her anymore. I have too much self respect to be in love and sleep with a girl who won't give me her companionship, to be the "poor guy" as Spanks puts it. If she doesn't leave her boyfriend, that means she's more concerned about his feelings than mine, and I'm not good enough for her to give herself to me like I would to her. I'll know soon enough.

 

I'm starting to realize that little good can come out of a prolonged secret relationship. If I did that, I would be doing it for the wrong reasons, I think. We would both be satisfied, in the sense that I was getting something I wanted and she would be getting something she wanted, but I realize now it wouldn't be the mutual exchange of love and companionship that I want from her. It would be an affair driven by residue from our past, with little hope of turning into anything more before I have to leave, and I will be left to pick up the pieces. So that's why the next meeting with her may very well be my last. It hurts so badly to write this...

[BackonTrack2]

dude.... really... dude... are you on drugs??? i think your on drugs.....

 

you believe all that hore**** you told you? she has feelings for you? yada yada yada... dude your a fool....... i don't know how else to say it... you are a fool......

 

she won't leave her boyfriend because she's not into you.

you two were not un officially, those are just words, you had something, it wasn't what she wanted so she left, but she didn't leave the right way...

 

she didn't allow herself time to heal from YOU, so she is in a rebgound relationship, using the guy to distract her to get OVER you because she doesn't want to be WITH YOU and at the same time, she doesn't wnat to LOOSE YOU....

 

ofcourse she still has feelings for you, my lieing whoring ex girlfriend told me the same bag of ****, "oh i didn't know"... "blah blah blah", and then "blah blah blah" the fact of the matter is, she fawking someone else, its OVER FOR YOU......

 

best to never contact her for a few months, or NOT, what is going to happen in reality is... she'll keep you there for comfort but no sex dude... you are not getting any pussy.... sorry dude... when was the last time you even had sex with her? if it was longer than 1 month you have no hope..... NONE

 

she never will be, she already had you and doesn't want you, be a man, end this cycle or get hurt worst than you are now...

 

you sound young, man don't worry, in TIME, you'll meet someone else and look back at this reltionship as "what the fawk was I thinking"

 

your girlfriend is a cunt, scumbag, she cheated on you and planned it for MONTHS. she has a brain, and a pussy and she's using both of them to her advantage....

 

you are the loser in this situation, i feel it for you

 

ps... females are notorious of shifting blame... putting all the hurt back on you... now your suffering... while she's out there fawking the new guy and even sucking his cock.

 

GO NC, that girl is no good for YOU.

good luck

[SkullK1d]

Thanks for hammering that in. It sounds like you got hurt bad too...

But you gotta read my story before posting. We never openly started the relationship to begin with. She thought I turned her down.

 

She is willing to meet me for sex. What I am trying to figure out is whether or not I can use that as leverage to get the relationship.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

Thanks for hammering that in. It sounds like you got hurt bad too...

But you gotta read my story before posting. We never openly started the relationship to begin with. She thought I turned her down.

 

She is willing to meet me for sex. What I am trying to figure out is whether or not I can use that as leverage to get the relationship.

Thats sick you two deserve each other leverage? what are you going to sleep with her then use telling her poor in your eyes 'rebound" bf as leverage to get her in a relationship? So because the other guy came after you its OK to **** on him like that? Ive never seen more self serving dribble in my life...

[SkullK1d]

For christ's sake I don't mean blackmail! I would never put her in a position to hurt her.

 

For those who read my post, I admit that "leverage" was a poor choice of wording.

 

What I am saying is that if she is willing to have sex with me she is probably willing to invest herself emotionally in me as well later. I will use the sex as a way to express my love to her in a way that no one else can. She can decide whether to come back to me or not, but that is her decision and I intend to respect it.

 

I am so disappointed that there are people here that would assume the worst.

[SkullK1d]

Almost 400 views... yet it seems very few people can figure this out. If there's anyone at all who can relate to my situation in the least, I'd appreciate any perspective you might have.

 

If you have time, please try to read as much of my story as you can. I'm in a very weird situation and I have a lot of emotions invested in this and so far some of the people here have been less than kind.

 

I think I have a solid chance at winning her back.

But, I want her to want to come back. My first relationship shouldn't be built on top of pity or guilt.

 

What do you think?

[EllieBean]

So you were in love with someone else, but she didn't want you, so you were hanging out with K. K loved you but you didn't love her, you were just stringing her along while you were in love with someone else. After a while you realized that the other girl didn't want you, so you wanted to get back with K... but shock horror, K had moved on with her life! Now you want to ruin her new relationship, even though you aren't even committed to being with her because you're still dating other girls... you want to take her away from a guy who genuinely likes her and drag her into a long distance relationship that would likely be very difficult for her.

 

Since you're already dating other girls while supposedly wanting to be with K, would you continue to date other girls when you're back at college, even if you're supposed to be in a relationship with K? My opinion? You want to have your cake and eat it. Do the poor girl a favour; stop being so selfish and leave her alone to get on with her life with her new bf.

[SkullK1d]

Yeah... I was selfish to think she'd wait for me forever while I pined over some other girl who I would never get together with, and I never loved. The difference with K is, no matter what happens, I can say without a shred of doubt that I loved her.

 

To answer your question, as soon as I realized my feelings for her I stopped dating other girls so I could treat her like a proper girlfriend. I had already committed myself to her since I talked to her in January. In fact, I can't even think about being with anyone else. When I go back to the States, I will remain faithful while maintaining long distance with K. I intend to come back to Japan after I graduate, which will be just over a year.

 

So... should I take this last chance to be with her?

I don't think I have it in me to turn her down twice...

[SkullK1d]

I'm writing this without proofreading. I'm getting this out right now.

 

We had an after-work bowling tournament tonight and K was there too. After the game we ended up talking about our meeting and our feelings for each other. She ultimately concluded that she wouldn't feel right having sex with me because she realized how true my feelings for her were and it would hurt me. Although a part of her still wanted to, she said her feelings for her bf grew stronger while her feelings for me grew weaker. It was the timing, she said.

 

She said she heard so much about my end of the story and my problems but I didn't hear enough of hers. So I listened.

 

She worked so hard to forget me and found somebody new to giver her heart to. And then she learned about my feelings, and so has constantly been struggling with both her feelings for me and her new bf.

 

She said how much the thought of meeting me sounds so happy, but she doesn't want to hurt me so badly knowing that she is completely sure she will stay with her bf. I convinced her to think about meeting me still, then decide what she wants to do at the end of the night... but...

 

I made a decision just now. One that may shape how I think about my love life from now on. On Friday, I will tell K I won't meet her.

 

I'm done being selfish.

 

At first I told her I won't meet her if she does it out of guilt, and now I want to set her free. No matter what she decides. That's much more important to me, to learn this lesson and to make her happy, than to only get what I want.

 

Then I will be free to forget her... and now I'm starting to tear up by writing this... but I will be free to forget her and then give myself to the other girl I'm meeting. I think it's what she deserves. Why else would she spend all day with me during a cherry blossom festival if she didn't love me? She deserves better than to be second place.

 

God it hurts so much to admit to myself I will let K go... I'm so lost in my own emotions and yet I still feel like I sort of know where I'm going now, finally. I guess I shouldn't be with someone who doesn't love me anymore anyway. True love is to give them everything, so by letting her go I'm giving her the life she wants with her bf. Yes, that could have been with me, but I was too slow in realizing my feelings, even it was the first time having them, so I must accept that everything is different now. I must now enjoy the new girl in my life, and I will discover the feelings she deserves from me... but it will take some time...

 

i'm sorry, K... I'm so sorry for denying both of us a life together because I was so blind, and so selfish, and too late. I'm a new man because of you. I will never forget you..

 

Please be happy for me, and most importantly for yourself.

Just promise me one last thing. Let the Avril Lavigne song "Why" be our song. Don't give that to anyone else. Let it always be ours... like the way you sang it for me

...the first night we kissed.

 

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