mrgerbick Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 Hello everyone, I am having a hard time coping with this current situation. I met this girl at work and dated her for 4 months and she just ended it out of the blue when everything seemed to be going fine. When she first told me it wasn't working out she gave me the excuse that I didn't want kids and she did, so basically why build all these feelings for each other when we will just bump heads on this. After a little more prying I found out, from her, that that wasn't the issue at all. She then told me that I got too comfortable too quick and she needed to feel courted. Then she went from that to saying how she just needs to be alone and is not ready to commit. I still feel like I do not know the real reason and have no closure whatsoever. She still tells me thing like when I see you I just want to hug and kiss you, but when you are not around it is okay, and I think this is for the best, which gives me false hope. The thing is that I am taking this really hard, because I was really happy with her. We got along great, and made each other laugh all the time. I was in a really bad long term relationship before her, which ended very bad, and I was depressed for a long time. She was as well, as a matter of fact that is how we ended up initially talking, was talking about our bad relationships we went through. Ultimately, I know its over. The thing that bothers me is that I work with her, not just for the same company, but on the same team of 4 people. She seems to be fine wether we talk or not, but it kills me inside to see her everyday and not to have that closure and to not be able to be with her. I get impulsive with text messages to the point of where she doesn't respond. The problem is that I wear my heart on my sleeve, I say what I feel when I feel it, and it always seem to work against me. I try to just act like everything is cool at work, but its not. I don't know what to do. I have a good job and even if I wanted to right now I can't quit and find another one. I really have no clue of how to cope with this.
Ronni_W Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 it kills me inside to see her everyday and not to have that closure What type of information do you need before you will feel/know that you have "closure"? And after you get your "closure", what types of feelings will you stop having, or start to have? I think people sometimes get all hung-up on a word or an ill-defined concept, and make themselves crazy over that (the idea of a thing) instead of starting to deal with whatever their heart is actually saying or aching about.
Author mrgerbick Posted September 10, 2008 Author Posted September 10, 2008 I see what you are saying about the closure. It wouldn't be so bad if the excuses didn't change 3 to 4 times. I just feel like I don't know what the real reason is.
BCCA Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 A wise man once said: "Don't s**t where you eat". It's a big risk to date some one at work. If it doesn't work out, you're going to have to see and co-mingle with an ex far too soon and too often. Let this be a lesson to you, dating people you work with and have to see on a regualr basis is usually a bad call. If nothing else, you know that now. Closure comes from you. There is nothing she is going to say that's going to make you feel like you got the 'real' reason, because as you said, she's already changed it 3-4 times. Plus, you aren't going to feel any better or agree with it anymore no matter what she says. Nothing she could possibly say would make the breakup suck any less or make you feel any better about what happened, trust me. Just accept that its over, have as little contact as possible, keep it friendly but proffessional, and just get on with your life. Get out there and enjoy yourself!
Beee Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 Mrgerbick, I'm kind of in the same situation.... I was in a relationship with a man I work with.... we broke up a month and a half ago.... No, its not easy, in fact it hurts and its really tough! I kind of got some answers to some questions I had.... but once I got some answers, I found more questions... and so the sycle continues.... I have moments of clarity when I see where we both made mistakes and how we could ahve prevented things.... but I can't spend too much time thinking about the past as I can't change that (no matter how much would like to), but I have to learn from it and move forward. I don't want to change my job either and my ex works 3 doors down from me... so I get to see him every day.... Part of my embraces that as it helps me know he's ok.... but then there are times when I just wish I couldn't hear his voice in the corridor. There is probably some truth in all 3 or 4 explenations she's given you... if you look deep inside of you, you might be able to see what it really is that made her do it. Its not easy and it takes time as you have to accept you actually do know why it went wrong. BCCA - How is your comment about don't s**t where you eat meant to be useful?.... How can you choose not to have feelings for some one? just because you work with them you think its easier to control your heart? And yes, I have learnt my lesson, I will think things over and over before I ever commit to some one I work with.... but there's no need to be harsh about, it hurts enough as it is.....
Ronni_W Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 I see what you are saying about the closure. ... I just feel like I don't know what the real reason is. Which of your feelings would change if you got only 1 "real" reason? What if ALL the reasons she gave were taken into account before she made her decision, and each played their own part? Is there 1 reason that would make you feel any "better" about the break-up, or that would make it any "easier" to let go and move on? Is there 1 reason that would make you more comfortable being around her at work? How is it helping you to view her REASONS as "excuses"? And. Do you know what are your answers to the couple of questions in my earlier post? If you choose to stay stuck on this "lack of closure" (non) issue, then that is also a choice for staying stuck about moving forward. IMHO.
CaliGuy Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 I see what you are saying about the closure. It wouldn't be so bad if the excuses didn't change 3 to 4 times. I just feel like I don't know what the real reason is. Doesn't matter what her reason is, you wouldn't really accept it no matter what. We never do. You need to work on that "wearing your heart on your sleeve" issue because as someone who suffered from that for many years, I can tell you it does much more harm than good. Just ignore her as much as possible. Focus on your work, be as happy as you can (fake it till you make it) and move on with life. It sucks that this happened but it's better to know now. It could have been worse (like being married and she pulled this). No matter how bad you think you have it, someone has it worse.
BCCA Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 BCCA - How is your comment about don't s**t where you eat meant to be useful?.... How can you choose not to have feelings for some one? just because you work with them you think its easier to control your heart? And yes, I have learnt my lesson, I will think things over and over before I ever commit to some one I work with.... but there's no need to be harsh about, it hurts enough as it is..... I've met 5-6 CUTE girls at my office in my time here, and I NEVER once asked them out, acted on my feelings, etc because I did so before, and like 9.999 out of 10 stories of meeting people at work go, it didnt work out. I'm sorry if you took it as harsh, but understand that it's a HUGE risk to date people at work. As you said, now youre listening to his voice from 3 doors down everyday. Beleive it or not, you can chose who you have feelings for. There are passing 'so and so is cute/cool/nice/friendly' feelings but thats far different from fully involving yourself in a relationship with the other person. Your heart doesnt just see some one and fall in love. There is a lot of interaction and such from both people to get there. Thats like saying you could fall in love with someone the first time you see them. I know how hard it is when your heart tells you to go for it, but you have to take the risks into consideration. My quote is actually very useful, although given your circumstances, not helpful at the moment. It's like people telling me "she's just not that into you" which I understand, but still sucks. I was only trying to be honest, not make anyone feel worse. Trust me, I'm not exactly feeling the greatest myself. I'm sorry if I made you feel any worse than before.
sid3 Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 Your right, it wouldn't be so bad if the excuses didn't change three or four times, it would probably be worse with just one. Having to work with an ex is a hard thing, it makes it a thousand times harder to move on. I wasn't working in the same location when I met my ex, now I'm in the same place three days a week. I feel your pain. Hearing posters tell you not to S** where you eat surely isn't helping you now, me either. Everyone who finds themselves in this kind of situation has learned this the hardest of ways. Constantly wondering what her real reasons are will keep you stuck. Your best bet is to literally tell yourself to STOP when you keep thinking about her. You really have to watch that you don't fall into depression again. Having gone through what you called a difficult breakup in the past is going to play tricks on your mind while going through this one. Just try and recall how you felt then. You probably didn't think you'd meet someone again, yet you did. Although it may have gone down in flames, you were attractive in this girl's eyes, you will meet someone again. You'll be that much wiser from this experience when you do.Everyone has their own idea about what closure is. Coming to terms with the harsh reality that it's over and that your going to make it through it somehow can seem impossible. You will, yes it will take some time. I've made the mistake in the past of holding onto the pain in an effort to not have to let go. Try and remind yourself of the flaws she had that you didn't like, somehow when things end we only want to remember the good things about a person.
BCCA Posted September 10, 2008 Posted September 10, 2008 Everyone who finds themselves in this kind of situation has learned this the hardest of ways. Trust me, the reason I said what I did is because I learned the EXTREMELY HARD way. I dated a girl I work with for about 6 months, and one day, "I dont know how to say this, but Im going to try and work things out with my ex...we're moving back in together, weve been talking and seeing each other for a few months". 'Hurt' doesnt even begin to scrape the surface, and she was the receptionist, the first person I saw EVERY morning at work. It got so bad I litterally drank myself to sleep every night, didnt eat, smoked 2+ packs a day, and at one point, tried to commit suicide. If it wasnt for a stroke of luck, I wouldnt be here today. I'll leave it at that, but just know that I have been in your shoes, and it sucks to learn the hard way, but I guess you get what life gives you. Im sorry if I sounded insensitive, I should know better after much of the 'advice' I got. The line between tough love and being harsh is blurry. I really feel for anyone who has been through this, and I was only hoping to help people think about what theyre doing. But I dont in any way, shape or form mean to make people feel worse. We're all going through tough times, and we need to be there for eachother. Sorry if I was too harsh, please know Im not trying to be hurtful.
Author mrgerbick Posted September 11, 2008 Author Posted September 11, 2008 First, thank you all for your replies and advice. I didn't take the "Don't **** where you eat" statement offensive, someone else has already told me that. The fact of the matter is that it is too late for that advice, it is almost like a "told you so". It already happened, and yes I have learned from it, unfortunately the hard way. I do see your point about the closure....the thing is that it eats away at me. I sit there at work and try to stay focused on work....but then I see her leave for lunch and wonder who is she meeting for lunch....it's like torture. I don't know how to avoid it or ignore it. Today we ended up talking through IM a bit and I told her...I can't do this, I can't try to be cool with you. Then of course, we started the whole circle of conversation again about how and why things ended. Then it continued into back and forth texts, even while I type this message. I really just need to leave it alone, but I don't know how to. It ended really bad with the texts right now....now she stated that she no longer wants to talk to me and that she is deleting my number and she suggests that I do the same. It seems like when I make certain observations or ask her a question that puts her in between a rock and a hard place she runs from it. The rundown of the situation is this, which is why I believe it ended and she somewhat confirmed. She has had a really bad childhood and ever since then has put up walls to deal with things. She told me she really don't know what the actual case is, but it can be that once she seen herself getting attached to me she got scared and felt like she was losing control of herself and she pulled herself back to gain control again. I tried explaining to her that she doesn't have to be scared to lose control with me. That I want to help her deal with her past issues, that I understand and that she needs to eventually deal with them or she will never let anyone get close. She just kept saying that she feels like she needs to be alone right now. I mean, I feel like there is nothing that I can do, but that she does need some help. I can't help someone that doesn't want help, but at the same time it seems like she wants help. I kind of feel like it's a lost cause at this point, but I really do not know how to get over this or ignore it, especially when she is right there in front of me everyday. I don't know if it is her, because it has only been 4 months...or if it the fact that I was rejected. I talked to my ex, the one from the really bad relationship before this one, who I was with for 7 years and she said it could possibly be separation anxiety. I don't know...I do get anxiety at work when I hear her laugh or talking to someone. It is just a hard thing to deal with currently. Maybe it could be that the feeling that I get from this situation is so similar to the situation that I had before...that i am really dealing with my past and present at the current moment, which really sucks. I know I will get past it, I've been through much worse. I just don't know why when I get older it's a lot harder to brush these things off.
BCCA Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 Well, I think its good that you realize she could use some help, but if she doesn't want it, what can you do, right? When she decides to do it for herself, she'll go. Don't push her anymore, she'll only resist it because its your idea. People don't change much, and never for others. If they want to change, they do it for themselves. I think as we get older we start thinking long term more, and when we meet people we think fit the bill for a long term relationship, we tend to fully invest. Once you've done that, you're in too deep to brush anything off quickly. If there are similarities in your past two relationships, try and think about what the correlation could be. Maybe you're unknowingly doing something, or not noticing a behavior in your partners that you could spot as a red flag later. Some reflection did me a TON of good. I realized I was putting up with crap to keep a relationship going, and instead of looking like the nice guy, I looked like a chump that wanted to get walked all over, which is what kept happening. I can't fix it overnight, but keeping it in mind helps a lot! I didnt mean to say I told you so, and Im glad you didnt take offense. Whenever I hear about an interoffice relationship, that phrase pops in my head. I guess youre always taking a risk by getting involved with some one else, there are just different risks with each one. Be well.
sid3 Posted September 11, 2008 Posted September 11, 2008 Yeah I strongly agree with B, the older we get we do start looking at the possibilities a little differently. And I think that is exactly why we sometimes allow oursleves to invest too much too soon. We become wrapped up in the idea that we fail to keep our guard up. Wow, I have been there, putting up with the crap behavior to keep the relationship going.Only once, but it was enough. Being a nice guy, hardly, total chump sounds about right. I couldn't figure it out. I learned as much as I could about 'mind games' and crap like that, turns out she is BPD, and has some really serious issues from here past and present. You can't help someone who doesn't want it, let alone think they don't need help. Much like your situation OP, the eomotional unavaiblitiy comes from the childhood issues. Pulling back and pushing away, it's enough to loose your sanity. Trying to figure out what is going on in her head is the fastest way to loose control of how your thinking and feeling. You probably saw a lot of high interest from her, just to get blindsided by her emotional distancing. I'd say try your hardest at not intitiating any contact. That's all you can do right now. You don't know what she is thinking now, you won't know in three weeks. All you can do is try and manage your own feelings. It's a really tough place to be, so the best thing you can do is not make any effort towards her. Maybe she will stay mad, maybe she won't. Not giving her any more fuel is the only option. Indifference isn't easy, with practice you can get there. Oh and as far as the short length of the relationship, you'll read many threads where other people are in utter disbelief that the shortest relationship in their life is such a challenge to get over. Your not alone on that.
Ronni_W Posted September 12, 2008 Posted September 12, 2008 I do see your point about the closure....the thing is that it eats away at me. I sit there at work and try to stay focused on work....but then I see her leave for lunch and wonder who is she meeting for lunch....it's like torture. I don't know how to avoid it or ignore it. See, that's NOT about "closure"...that's just how it normally feels when an important relationship ends. You are coping with the break-up of your 4-month long relationship. You are NOT coping with "lack of closure". The relationship is closed. That is closure. Breaking up just sucks. It only is worse because you happened to get involved with a workmate. THAT is the problem...that she is constantly "in your face", as it were (not that she's doing anything on purpose.) You cannot get the physical distance so that you can start to feel the emotional distance that is needed to help one get over it. I'm glad you got your closure . I'm sorry to hear about your break-up. (((hugs)))
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