unsure of his feelings

[trying2Bpatient]

I'm new here so don't know all the abbreviations, but will try to catch on!

 

My MM and I began our relationship 9 months ago. We were casual acquantainces in unhappy marriages. No fighting at either home, just more like we were each just functioning w/in our marriages. He has an 11 year old child at home and I have 15 and 16 year olds.

 

He had been unhappy for 8 years and I guess I was about the same but didn't really realize until I met him. I just thought there was something wrong with me that I didn't feel love for my husband anymore. Like maybe I had become incapable of that feeling - until I met my MM.

 

Most of our contact has been thru emails but we see each other a couple times a month. I have recently moved out. MM has talked to his wife about separation but is moving slowly b/c of his child.

 

The thing that concerns me is that the first few months we emailed many times a day and took pretty big risks to see each other. For the past couple months the emails are pretty scarce and we don't get together often. When we do it is wonderful, but it's not often enough. His emails used to be full of plans for what he wanted to do together but he hasn't written any like that lately.

 

I still write frequent, detailed emails and also let him know when I'm available. His emails are shorter, less detailed, and less frequent. Is he scared b/c I am ending my marriage? I assured him that it wasn't b/c I was counting on a relationship with him. I did it b/c I came to realize I was no longer happy in my marriage.

 

I am hopeful of a relationship with him. He had been content with "functioning" in his marriage until we met but is now slowly moving toward a separation. That sounds promising doesn't it? I'm trying ease off a little in the email department. I just wish he would give more details about what's going on with him right now.

 

Any words of advice would be appreciated.

[Jane Doe]

He's probably scared and backing off because you've moved out. Even though you haven't said so, he knows he's a big part of why you did that. Let's face it, you'd still be with your husband today were it not for this guy. He's scared because he's afraid he'll have to put up or shut up. You're disrupting his plan of having his cake and eating it too. My guess is that he'll continue backing off. He's not going to give up on his marriage.

[Seen_It_All]

Is he afraid that you're leaving your marriage?

 

You'd better believe it.

 

The playing field is no longer equal. In his eyes, you're single now, and will expect MORE from him than just emails and an occasional get-together. He's not feeling the fun or fantasy anymore.

 

These men LOVE to talk about what they're 'going' to do in the future. Rarely do they actually back up their empty words with actions. Your moving out has simply scared him into thinking you're going to make him do what he's been promising to do. Before, he could make all these grandiose promises about a happily ever after with you because he was SAFE - you were with your husband and therefore, he could safely stay where he was. No harm, no foul.

 

He's "moving" toward a separation? More empty words, designed to keep you happy and not nagging him. You actually have a better chance of Elvis singing at your 60th birthday party than you do of MM separating.

 

I would certainly hope, now that you've made a life decision to leave a bad marriage, that you'll seek HEALTHY relationships once you've reached a healthy emotional state after the separation/divorce. You've lost a few years of your life in a bad marriage; I'd really hate to see you lose 4 or 5 more waiting for a guy whose going NOWHERE.

[whichwayisup]

Yup, what was once fun and fantasy, an escape from life and reality has now become a reality.

You both were (are) unhappy in your marriages, but hooked up and BOOM, those feelings came alive, like you were a teen again. Those feelings are addictive, but they are based on lust and sex - (easily can be felt as love) and the fact is, you leaving your husband and him saying he's going to separate from his wife for you, has freaked him out.

 

I hate to tell ya, but his actions are telling you the truth. He's slowly been detaching and backing off of you, making himself unavailable...He's probably lied to you, and his marriage isn't as bad as he's made it out to be. He's had second thoughts and decided not to end his marriage.

 

Question, are you still going to end your marriage if he stays in his? Or will you come clean with your husband, tell him about your affair and fix your marriage? Or are you planning on moving out anyway, with or without the MM in your life.

 

Your MM will keep you on the side for however long you like, as long as it's on HIS terms only. If you push him and ask him to leave his wife, he'll give you 100 reasons why now he can't leave her.

 

If he truly was inlove with you, wanted to be with you, he'd end his marriage just like you've ended yours and be with you. He hasn't. That says alot.

[Island Girl]

You have decided to end your marriage. You have decided to end an unhappy functioning relationship.

 

The first thing you are going to do for yourself is continue to pursue a man who will never be availble to you.

 

Why do not believe you deserve better? There are men out there you can have fun with, get to know, possibly share a future with. You call the shots. Instead you want to waiting around for him? If you are waiting for him to leave his wife I hope you start some kind of hobby in the meantime. Crocheting afghans for the homeless or something. Because you're gonna wait a long time. You are number 2. That is the same thing as an understudy. You only get to go onstage or be acknowledged if the star (his wife) can't perform. -- You aren't even listed in the credits.

 

The words he tells you, he is telling her, the hands he caresses you with, are caressing her the same way. Eeeeeeew.

 

How can you ever get rid of the picture that, when you are kissing him, he has just had his tongue in another woman's mouth - or worse...

 

DOUBLE eeeeew.

[Jane Doe]

If he truly was inlove with you, wanted to be with you, he'd end his marriage just like you've ended yours and be with you. He hasn't. That says alot.

 

Exactly!!!!

[sapphire0903]

I'm new here so don't know all the abbreviations, but will try to catch on!

 

My MM and I began our relationship 9 months ago. We were casual acquantainces in unhappy marriages. No fighting at either home, just more like we were each just functioning w/in our marriages. He has an 11 year old child at home and I have 15 and 16 year olds.

 

He had been unhappy for 8 years and I guess I was about the same but didn't really realize until I met him. I just thought there was something wrong with me that I didn't feel love for my husband anymore. Like maybe I had become incapable of that feeling - until I met my MM.

 

Most of our contact has been thru emails but we see each other a couple times a month. I have recently moved out. MM has talked to his wife about separation but is moving slowly b/c of his child.

 

The thing that concerns me is that the first few months we emailed many times a day and took pretty big risks to see each other. For the past couple months the emails are pretty scarce and we don't get together often. When we do it is wonderful, but it's not often enough. His emails used to be full of plans for what he wanted to do together but he hasn't written any like that lately.

 

I still write frequent, detailed emails and also let him know when I'm available. His emails are shorter, less detailed, and less frequent. Is he scared b/c I am ending my marriage? I assured him that it wasn't b/c I was counting on a relationship with him. I did it b/c I came to realize I was no longer happy in my marriage.

 

I am hopeful of a relationship with him. He had been content with "functioning" in his marriage until we met but is now slowly moving toward a separation. That sounds promising doesn't it? I'm trying ease off a little in the email department. I just wish he would give more details about what's going on with him right now.

 

Any words of advice would be appreciated.

 

You felt that you could not feel love anymore.

You CAN feel love, this experience showed you that you can.

MM is backing off. Take the hint, message whatever and back off too.Try to look at this as another experience and lesson of life

 

.

I was OW too, just recently broke it off, and TRYING to remain friends.

However, even though the last year was painful and confusing, I hold no regrets, and hope that I have learned and have grown from the whole experience