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How do you get past the fear that NC will = goodbye forever?


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Well we've gone NC again. I told my MM last night that I just couldn't ride this rollercoaster of empty promises anymore and that he needed to figure out what he wanted out of his life. He told me even before we began dating that his M was over and he wanted a divorce. That was 9 months ago and he's still dragging his feet and giving me one excuse after another. I want to believe that I was not so naieve and stupid to just blindly fall for him and all the wonderful things he told me. I'm a well educated, smart woman but somehow I'm completely doubting everything right now. I demanded NC and now I'm questioning what if it really is over forever? Was all of this just a game to him? Could I have just been that blind?

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You've been told the same line that thousands (maybe millions) of women have been told. The doubt that you're feeling is your common sense and your instinct telling you that your doubts aren't doubts at all -- they're a dose of reality and truth.

 

Let this round of NC be the end. Save yourself years of pain, loneliness, agony, holidays and vacations alone, empty promises, lies, and settling for second best. If he truly loved you, he would be with you. Period. No ifs, ands, or buts.

 

I'll repeat, if he truly loved you, he would be with you. You deserve to be with a man who will put you first and love you wholly, completely and openly. You'll never have that if you choose to remain in the situation you're in. I know this sounds harsh, but I'm being honest with you.

 

If he truly loved you, he would be with you.

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Yup, if he was going to leave his wife before you came into the picture, and he still hasn't left her, chances are things are Ok between them and he's feeding you a line or two about how bad their marriage is. He's having his cake and eating it too.

 

If a man really loves a woman enough, he'll do anything to be with her.

 

Try your best to get over him. YOU take control, don't "wait" for his decision, YOU decide! Why give him the control and power? You're a willing participant with him, and you can decide to walk away...

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Well we've gone NC again. I told my MM last night that I just couldn't ride this rollercoaster of empty promises anymore and that he needed to figure out what he wanted out of his life. He told me even before we began dating that his M was over and he wanted a divorce. That was 9 months ago and he's still dragging his feet and giving me one excuse after another. I want to believe that I was not so naieve and stupid to just blindly fall for him and all the wonderful things he told me. I'm a well educated, smart woman but somehow I'm completely doubting everything right now. I demanded NC and now I'm questioning what if it really is over forever? Was all of this just a game to him? Could I have just been that blind?

People get disappointed in their spouses many times. Some jump into affairs while persuading themselves and the lover that the marriage is over. But eventually they may resolve the problems with their spouse or simply decide to stay married. As long as they are going back to their spouses, they are cheating. And you're the mistress.

 

NC is good for you for two reasons: 1. if he doesn't leave, you'll get over him sooner, and 2. the chances for him to leave his wife are greater if you keep NC.

 

If you never see him again, it means you didn't win, you didn't get what you wanted - him. Why do you want to torture yourself and keep dating a man who is not yours? You deserve better. You WILL get over, trust me.

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Well we've gone NC again. I told my MM last night that I just couldn't ride this rollercoaster of empty promises anymore and that he needed to figure out what he wanted out of his life. He told me even before we began dating that his M was over and he wanted a divorce. That was 9 months ago and he's still dragging his feet and giving me one excuse after another. I want to believe that I was not so naieve and stupid to just blindly fall for him and all the wonderful things he told me. I'm a well educated, smart woman but somehow I'm completely doubting everything right now. I demanded NC and now I'm questioning what if it really is over forever? Was all of this just a game to him? Could I have just been that blind?

 

Your situation sounds v similar to mine. My MM is unhappy in his marriage and had been for a while, although I don't think he realised how much until he met me. I think he was just going with the flow and trying to keep his family together (and still is). We have been more or less NC for three weeks but ended up speaking this morning. Things are still no better for him but his main concern is his kids, simple as that. He's not spinning me a line, he's totally straight in the fact that, yes, he does want to leave, but at the moment he can't for whatever reason. He doesn't ask me to wait for him and I'm not, but at the same time I am (emotionally anyway), because I know how he feels. If he could put a time on it and ask me to be there I would but I know he doesn't want to make me any promises.

 

NC scares the hell out of me because I worry that it's gonna be a case of 'out of sight, out of mind'. I feel like I want to be there to remind him of what we've got together. He's often told me that the only time he laughs is when he's with me. No strictly true of course as I know he has a laugh with his kids and his mates but I do believe him when he says he doesn't have a laugh at home. Maybe I am being naive.....? He has no reason to lie to me as our relationship was mainly an EA so it's not as if he's ever used me for sex, but then reading posts on the site I have learned that men can still be with women who meet the emotional needs they aren't getting from their W and I think that could possibly be the way it is with my MM. All v complicated but then what else can you expect?

 

Keep us up to date on NC. Does your MMs W know about the A?

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Speaking from perosnal experience when you initiate the NC status you MUST be ready and willing to accept that there is a possibility that you may lose him for good. But as grim as that sounds there are two great reasons why NC is the the best remedy.

 

1. Clearly you are not happy being the OW so you need to either stop or accept that while you are with him like this you are enabling him to have the best of both worlds and he will keep feeding you excuses. So if he does not leave her and decides to stay with her then you will 100% be better off in the long run. Just keep reminding yourself of how much you don't want this limbo state you are in and the idea of pain and loneliness of the NC shock at the begining, won't seem that harsh. NC is HARD very HARD but you need to snap yourself out of it, you need to help yourlself. If you stay with him like this he will NEVER leave, he has absolutely no incentive while you are there.

 

2. If he is confused as to who he should be with, you not being there for him is only going to make him want you more. He has her, he is with her, he is not happy there and will only have the fond memories of you....what this does is make the feelings even more intense for you, since he will romantisize being with you. So the only way you can cure his confusion is by stepping away.

 

 

The way I look at NC is like this: it's a decision to stop being the OW regardless of how the rel pans out. If he decides to be with you after you end the affair, then that is an added bonus but really NC is about ending the affair and giving yourself the worth that you deserve.

 

Something we OW don't understand is that no relationship can 100% fullfill our needs, therefore when we stay with a married man we are completing the % that is lacking at home, so in essence they ARE getting their 100% between the two women. Now how could that not be appealing and highly addcitive to someone? why should they be privied to have a 100% fullfillment in their romantic relationships? It's just not meant to be that way but we enable the perfecft scenario for them! think about that...

 

good luck and be strong!

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Yes, my MM told his W that he was seeing me. They were separated for 6 months before we got involved and he says that he and his W agreed they could see other people if they wanted. It's all just such a disfunctional mess.

 

He says he told her about me and told her that it was serious. My first question was what was her reaction? He claims she asked a lot of questions about me but didn't freak out like I would have thought a normal woman would. I asked him what if she were seeing someone else...how would that make him feel? He claims it would be a relief for him to know she was happy and that he wasn't causing her pain. So why then if this is where they are don't they just get divorced??

 

He claims to love me and want a future with me but then flip-flops and says he's not ready to file the papers because it's hard and he still loves her. He saw her at the beginning of the week and they both agreed that divorce is what they need to do. She told him she was seeing someone. I have no idea when the paperwork is supposed to be filed (this time) because after he told me on Monday that he saw her and they talked divorce again I told him that I just couldn't take this back and forth anymore. I figure it will be a few days and she'll have another meltdown and throw her typical tantrum until he backs off filing again. Then we're back to the same cycle until the next round of "let's play divorce" begins.

 

I love him so much and I want so badly to believe in all the things that he has told me he wants with me. I'm afraid that he won't come back this time. We did NC once so he could figure out what he wanted and after a little over a week he was on my doorstep telling me every thing that I ever wanted to hear. Then W throws the typical tantrum and we're back to square one. I know I'm supposed to just dust myself off and go on with my life without looking back. I'm not supposed to put my life on hold and wait for him. Sounds so easy and yes, in my head, I know that is what I SHOULD do but my heart won't let me. I'm terrified that I'm in this mini-grieving phase and one day I'll learn that it really truly is over and the full on grieving will have to begin. It's like waiting for someone to shove you off a cliff.

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Really feel for you Bailey. It certainly sounds like MM wants to be with you but having never been married I can't put myself in his shoes re D. All I know is that it must be really difficult for him. Going by the way my MM feels about everything it IS tough on them too, and your MM is obviously a good guy who doesn't want to hurt anyone. Could he be concerned about the financial implications of the D? Maybe this is one thing that's holding him back.

 

I guess if you really love him (which you do) you just have to hang in there and ride the storm. Easy for me to say of course but I would give anything to be in your position. It sounds so painful for you though.

 

Stick with it and best of luck. Keep us posted!

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The way I look at NC is like this: it's a decision to stop being the OW regardless of how the rel pans out. If he decides to be with you after you end the affair, then that is an added bonus but really NC is about ending the affair and giving yourself the worth that you deserve.

 

 

This is it.... in a nutshell!!!! :)

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Thanks PoshP for your kind words. No it is not a financial issue that prevents him from filing. They are both doing very well financially independent of each other.

 

I stumbled and broke NC several times already. We talked the other night for almost 5 hours. He says he just doesn't know what it is that's keeping him from filing. He says he remembers how great their relationship was when they first got married but that's not what it is now. They've been separated now for over 16 months. Nine of those months has been dating me. He says I show him that life can be so much more than what he had with her but that he's still unsure because he loves her and wants things to be the way they were when they first got married. He says he feels like though that they can't go back to that place because so much damage has been done, he is angry and resentful towards her for the fact that they are where they are and he feels like they have become different people now.

 

I suggested marriage counseling for both of them since he still claims to have feelings for her. He says he doesn't feel like either one of them is committed enough to want to try to go that route. He says he loves me. I asked if he thought our relationship was just a substitute for what he wasn't getting from her. He says that in the beginning I was a distraction for him from the pain of their separation that he was in. He claims that very quickly though that changed and he fell in love with me and that he believes our relationship is true and isn't just a distraction or an excuse. I just don't know what to believe anymore. I've lost myself, my self-respect..all of it....crying on the phone like a child losing a toy...that I just can let go and live without him. How did I become such a weak, pathetic mess???

 

I know that I have to get ahold of myself and let him go figure things out. Part of me is so afraid that NC will allow him to forget the love we share. It scares the hell out of me. I've become so dependent on him as my best friend that now I've got this huge hole and I feel so empty and alone.

 

Is my continuing to break NC just giving him the "fix" that he needs from me to continue in this limbo?

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He says he just doesn't know what it is that's keeping him from filing.

Seems he's not 100% sure if he wants to completely end things with his wife, he wants to leave that door open a crack. Honestly, because of this, you should take the opportunity to decide for him. End it and STAY in NO contact as long as they're still together.

 

If you do NC, stay in NC mode no matter what, how much it kills you and him. As long as he "knows" you're still there, breaking NC, then this situation will go on for a long time. Noone really wants to take control and change this things so it seems. You can't continue to do this to yourself, it's messing you up, making you feel bad.

 

Whatever happens, I think he's got the ball in his court as it seems you've left the choice up to him and as long as he has the choice, his choice will be to do nothing, which sucks for you. He'll still be seeing you and his wife, which isn't fair to you or her.

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That is what sucks so much in this. I feel like the bal is completely in his court and I have zero control or choice here. He knows that I love him and yes, so far, by continuing to break NC I know I am only prolonging the agony. I'm just so scared that if I am able to do NC and stick to it that I really will lose him forever.

 

I am supposed to have some tests done later this week to determine if I have a life threatening illness. He knows about the tests and says he is worried about me. How do I get over the feeling of not wanting to reach out to him when I find out what the results are? I feel like by staying in NC that I'm not being fair to him in leaving him to wonder if I'm ok.

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I'm just so scared that if I am able to do NC and stick to it that I really will lose him forever.

 

This is where you're getting confused. You never had him to begin with, thus you can't lose what you never had. You've lost your credibility by beginning and ending NC with him repeatedly. He knows he can play you -- and he is. He'll continue to as long as you allow it.

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BenThereDunThat

IF NC causes you to actually "lose him forever", then you know that it wasn't the true love you thought it was.

 

Just like that old saying, if you love something, set if free. If it doesn't come back, it was never meant to be.

 

I know it's hard, but you've got to push on, live your life, find some fulfillment, be happy with yourself.

 

The ball IS in his court. He needs to buck up and figure out what he wants. If his marriage isn't fixable, then he needs to deal with that. If he has no contact with you, one would hope that it will force him into a decision -- one way or the other.

 

And I hope all goes with with your tests. <<hugs>>

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Well we've gone NC again. I told my MM last night that I just couldn't ride this rollercoaster of empty promises anymore and that he needed to figure out what he wanted out of his life. He told me even before we began dating that his M was over and he wanted a divorce. That was 9 months ago and he's still dragging his feet and giving me one excuse after another. I want to believe that I was not so naieve and stupid to just blindly fall for him and all the wonderful things he told me. I'm a well educated, smart woman but somehow I'm completely doubting everything right now. I demanded NC and now I'm questioning what if it really is over forever? Was all of this just a game to him? Could I have just been that blind?

 

My XHTB promised the same exact crap to his OW for 2+years. Cracked his email password and he told her he was going through a divorce. He fed her the "unhappy victimized husband, blah, blah, blah, so you (the OW) can feel sorry for him and fall for it syndrome". Kicked H out 7 months ago when he confessed. His OW prepared for his "move in" which he never fulfill. H moved back home when I asked for divorce. But H continued to cheat and lie during that entire time. Finally kicked him out for good. He still did not move in with the OW. He moved in with his two unemployed siblings in their late mother's house which is now going through probate. And if he decides to move in w/her later, more power to them. But any OW who would be willing to take in a MM who never left their wife for them and then decides to move in with their OW by "default", that says a lot about the OW willingness to compromise a part of her self-respect.

 

XHTB continues to tell me he still loves me and always will. Your MM still loves his wife. That's why he hasn't filed for D nor chose to be with you.

 

So you have 2 choices:

1) Stay and allow yourself to be treated as such or

2) move on and let someone else to treat you the way you want to be treated and loved.

 

Pick one.

 

DON'T LIVE YOUR LIFE BY SOMEONE ELSE'S DREAM. LIVE YOUR LIFE FOR YOURSELF SO YOU WON'T LOOK BACK WITH REGRETS.

 

Good luck.

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Thanks everyone. I am just feeling so very lost and alone without him in my life.

 

I never looked at our relationship as an "affair" because there never was any of the sneaking around or inability to be together whenever we wanted. It felt like a normal relationship. It was just so easy to forget the W existed because she wasn't part of the picture that I ever had to deal with. They were separated and he said when we began dating that it was over with them. I know, I know...it wasn't because he wasn't "officially" divorced. That was my mistake and I take the blame for that.

 

I should have stood up for myself and my self respect a long time ago but I didn't. I shouldn't have let this go so far. I didn't anticipate how quickly I would grow to love him. His is my best friend. I fell in love with him and now I only have myself to blame for loving someone that couldn't give me 100%. I beat myself up about that constantly.

 

I'm trying very hard to do NC but it is so incredibly painful right now. I've had all the advice....the one day at a time, if you love something set it free, each day will get easier, bla, bla, bla. It's just not helping. I need a way to refocus myself and be able to get past this. We left things with him saying "I'm not 100% sure what's going to happen. I'll probably get divorced, but I'm not sure. I can't tell you that I won't be back for you".

 

How do I move on with the door still open? I love him and I just don't want to let go of the hope that one day he will be back for me.

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How do I move on with the door still open? I love him and I just don't want to let go of the hope that one day he will be back for me.

 

The thing is, how long are you willing to wait? A year? Two years? I would say if in the next 3 months he still doesn't know wtf he wants to do, YOU end it completely. In the meantime, do the NC.

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The reality of putting my life on hold for 3 months is too much for me to grasp right now. But yet, the reality of closing the door myself and going on with my life is too much too. Either way, I'm stuck. The longest in 9 months that we've gone without talking to each other is 3 days. Right now just getting to the NC point of 3 days is overwhelming. It's been a little over 24 hours since I last broke NC.

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The reality of putting my life on hold for 3 months is too much for me to grasp right now. But yet, the reality of closing the door myself and going on with my life is too much too. Either way, I'm stuck. The longest in 9 months that we've gone without talking to each other is 3 days. Right now just getting to the NC point of 3 days is overwhelming. It's been a little over 24 hours since I last broke NC.

 

I'm feeling much the same as you Bailey. My MM is still with his W so situation is somewhat different but after going supposed NC a month ago we are still speaking on occasions. Yesterday I spent the whole afternoon crying my eyes out because he was supposed to call and didn't. And I opened a bottle of wine at 4.30pm even though I am on anti-ds and not supposed to be drinking. Couldn't believe I was letting him do that to me (or doing it to myself?)

 

This morning we spoke for about half an hour and now I feel fine again (or as fine as I can not having him exclusively in my life!) Just feel so pathetic. It feels like his whole attitude towards me determines my mood which I know is really sad!

 

It must be extra hard for you that your MM says he still loves his wife. Mine says he doesn't. Do I believe him? Yeah, suppose, but maybe more fool me. If he told me he loved his wife and wanted to stay with her then I would find it easier to accept things and move on. I would have no choice. But all the time I think there's a chance for us I am hanging on by my fingertips! Deep down I guess I know I am there to fulfil all the emotional needs he isn't getting at home.

 

The advice you're getting on here IS right. I agree with them all 100 per cent. It's just a shame I can't take it on board myself. I hope you are stronger than me. Sounds like with your tests you have a lot to deal with in your life that you need some support for which probably doesn't help your frame of mind. Best of luck with that :)

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