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Ride it out...or NC????


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I have been reading the posts here for a while, and have decided its time to throw out my tale for some advice...

 

The short story is that we were both single and were together for several months, when his ex approached him to 'try again' after almost a year of separation. Kids are involved and he felt he owed them the chance to keep the family together. This was 18 months ago. At the time, I was desperate to keep him but he was dedicated to giving it his best attempt. We had sporadic and non-emotional communication until last month.

 

At that point, I told him that I was still having difficulty seeing him...that it wasn't getting easier though I thought it should after the amount of time that has passed. He agreed, said he thinks of me all the time, that he still has feelings for me, that he still looks at me and wants to be with me but that he can't. He is still trying to make it work at home. However, we missed talking to each other so much, that we are trying to be friends only more openly than before. The result is that he now phones me (he didn't call even once in the last 18 mos.), he emails several times a day and we see each other for coffee a couple of times a week.

 

I guess in my head, I think that being a part of his life may make him realize that it is time to give up trying to make his marriage work...that after more than a year, maybe it isn't salvagable...that it is time to think of himself and give some consideration to his feelings for me. Except for gut wrenching hugs when we meet and part, we are not engaged in a physical affair here (though I would take that in a heart beat). My thought is to ride it out for another month or so and then give him an ultimatum...knowing full well that his choice might not be me...I just don't know if I can handle even the next month with all this emotion and pain again...and I know I can't move forward with my life and try to heal when I am so involved with him on a daily basis.

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Don't let him make the choice for you. Do what is healthiest and best for YOU now. Which is, let him go work on the marriage, and he honestly cannot do that with you still in his life...It's not fair to anybody, let alone his kids. If his focus is to try to fix things at home, let him go - As painful as it may be for you, do it.

 

You gotta detach, grieve the loss and move on with your life. Tell him goodbye, get your closure or whatever you need to say to him off your chest, then go into STRICT no contact mode with him. And stick to it, make that a promise to yourself.

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I think I have analyzed this so much that I know what is 'the right' thing to do. I just get frustrated with the thought of having to walk away again. I did that more than a year ago, I'd respond to an initial email of his, but not to subsequent replies...be friendly, yet detached if I ran into him somewhere...gave him his space. I guess, since he instigated this change in our communication, I want to grab whatever bit of his time and attention I can, and enjoy just being with him and being part of his life.

 

I love this man so much I don't know that I can walk away again...I don't think I have the strength to do it...

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Yes, but by doing that, you'll never really get over him and you won't allow yourself to be open to fall inlove with someone else...

 

I want to grab whatever bit of his time and attention I can, and enjoy just being with him and being part of his life.

 

You deserve more than stolen moments, and little attention fillers here and there...Now this may be enough, but at some point you'll want more and he can't give that to you.

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I have been reading the posts here for a while, and have decided its time to throw out my tale for some advice...

 

The short story is that we were both single and were together for several months, when his ex approached him to 'try again' after almost a year of separation. Kids are involved and he felt he owed them the chance to keep the family together. This was 18 months ago. At the time, I was desperate to keep him but he was dedicated to giving it his best attempt. We had sporadic and non-emotional communication until last month.

 

At that point, I told him that I was still having difficulty seeing him...that it wasn't getting easier though I thought it should after the amount of time that has passed. He agreed, said he thinks of me all the time, that he still has feelings for me, that he still looks at me and wants to be with me but that he can't. He is still trying to make it work at home. However, we missed talking to each other so much, that we are trying to be friends only more openly than before. The result is that he now phones me (he didn't call even once in the last 18 mos.), he emails several times a day and we see each other for coffee a couple of times a week.

 

I guess in my head, I think that being a part of his life may make him realize that it is time to give up trying to make his marriage work...that after more than a year, maybe it isn't salvagable...that it is time to think of himself and give some consideration to his feelings for me. Except for gut wrenching hugs when we meet and part, we are not engaged in a physical affair here (though I would take that in a heart beat). My thought is to ride it out for another month or so and then give him an ultimatum...knowing full well that his choice might not be me...I just don't know if I can handle even the next month with all this emotion and pain again...and I know I can't move forward with my life and try to heal when I am so involved with him on a daily basis.

 

 

What you are feeling now, is not going to change in the tomorrows as long as the Man is married. You are worth more than giving an attached man another single day of your life.

 

NC is difficult but you will reap the rewards when you have let go. The best possible way of getting through NC is to stay busy and focus on you! It is time to get back to all of what you deserve! Real happiness, real dreams with real love.

 

I wish you well.

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if you give him an ultimatum it will be you who loses.

 

By putting forth an ultimatum, he will have to let one go...and that may be the only way to do it. Perhaps this time I need it to be him that severs the contact. And he is not willing to do that right now. I am single, and honestly don't have a problem having a relationship with a MM, but we won't be able to maintain just an EA. I understand the ramifications of the ultimatum, but it may be what is needed. Unfortunately we have both tried to make the other break off in gentler ways but to no avail...hard to make someone walk away when they don't want to.

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He has already formed his mind long time ago. That's why you will look like an idiot if you give him ultimatum. It won't change his mind. Forget him, move on by finding someone single w/o baggage that will give his all to you. You deserve better than crumbs and scraps.

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Perhaps this time I need it to be him that severs the contact.

Why can't you take control over this situation and your life, and YOU be the one to end it? Why does he have to do it?

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I guess I need to offer up some thanks...some things have become clear to me...

 

WWIU - the simple answer is that I have determined that I don't want to end it...or have it end just yet. What I do know is that if I stay around, the less chance his marriage has of working. The problem is really what his head is saying versus what his heart is feeling. And while I know that is his battle, I can make it easy or hard for him. He has chosen to make it hard for himself by bringing me back into his life. For now, who am I to argue with him?

 

JCD - saying I will look like an idiot is pretty harsh. An ultimatum is merely forcing him to make a decision. And he is the one that needs to make a decision. However, I am not willing to be on standby for him forever, which is why I will give it a month or so and then he needs to decide.

 

Maybe what I didn't make clear is that this man loves me and I love him BUT his children come first for him (just as mine do for me), and he believed that trying to make the marriage work is best for them. I respected that decision. I didn't believe that it was the right decision but respected it.

 

So I will let it ride, secure in the knowledge that there will be resolution within my timeframe...that I will be able to move forward with my life... whichever route it takes...

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What I do know is that if I stay around, the less chance his marriage has of working. The problem is really what his head is saying versus what his heart is feeling. And while I know that is his battle, I can make it easy or hard for him. He has chosen to make it hard for himself by bringing me back into his life. For now, who am I to argue with him?

 

Re-read your words again.

 

This man made the choice to stay with his wife, work it out for the sake of his children. You are FULLY aware that he cannot focus 100% or give to his wife 100% if you're still around... You say you respect him and his decision, so why not back off, tell him goodbye?

 

He's lying to his wife, making a fool of HER (unless she knows you're still in the picture) and not really trying to keep his family together. His needs will still be met by both you and his wife.

 

Don't you think it's too painful to 'have' him in your life, even ever so slightly? WOuldn't it be better for YOU if you did no contact?

 

I guess your heart will know when to say enough...Just hope that comes sooner rather than later because from what I've read in the past by so many OW is, you're in for a huge letdown, a big heartache that will take you a very long time to recover from.

 

You might miss the boat if you stick with this man. I know right now you say it's enough and it's OK, but really, it isn't. You're selling yourself short here. Big time...Short term happiness - Is it worth that long term pain??

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He made the decision to return to his wife 18 months ago. I backed off, I walked away, I cut communication to a minimum and I gave him the opportunity and space to give it 100% of his time and attention. I met no needs of his in that time, I tried to bury my feeling for him and move on.

 

Now, he is back in my life, and yes I am meeting some emotional needs of his that she obviously is not. We have discussed the feelings we still have for each other, the pain we both endured when we weren't communicating, and made the decision to maintain more contact than we had. Never in my wildest dreams would I have expected to hear from him as frequently as I have been. Or see him as often.

 

I will give this a short time frame to continue in this manner, then he needs to re-evaluate his original decision and determine if that is still the route he wants to take. If it is, I'm gone again. However, I am not sure that his choice will be the same...

 

I think there is something to be said for the fact that our relationship was not an affair. He was separated for almost a year when she had a "change of heart". We ended everything as soon as he decided to try again, and before he shared that decision with her. I was never a factor in their marriage or separation. I was part of her "change of heart", though she and I never met.

 

In any event, I think I owe myself the opportunity to spend some time with him again, even if only ends up being a couple of months. Like I said before, I am not willing to be on standby for him forever.

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The longer you stay in his life like this, NOTHING will change. You two will be having that affair and he'll still be married. The fact is, why would he want to give all of it up?

 

I know you're probably not going to like what I'm going to say, but you have to hear it. Your MM is being really selfish and he KNOWS what he's doing. The fact he's still lying to his wife, not focussing on her and the marriage itself, and he certainly isn't giving it all to you either, just shows he's lovin' having his cake and eating it too.

 

Spend that time with him, but just be aware when it ends, you WILL be in alot of pain. Is he worth it??

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OceanBlue, I'm a guy. The only reason I would ever go back to my ex is if I still had feelings for her. The kids don't factor into my decision. Why would I want to be with a wife that I don't love and have my kids watch a loveless marriage? That's insane. I would rather stay separated. Or even better, hook up with a lovely girl(like you) that I loved and marry her.

 

I think the reason he is talking to you is because he needs attention. It makes him happy. Then he goes home, has sex with his wife while you fantasize about you being together someday. That's not right. Find yourself a new man who can be yours fully. Everyone deserves this much.

 

Btw, I'm in exactly the same position as you so what I'm writing to you is also good for me. On some level she still loves her husband while she is being attentive to me as well. Driove me crazy until I came into terms that these are the types of people you will meet in life. It's not you it's them that are screwed up. They need to grow up and make a firm decision and stand by it. Not having a cake and eat it too while killing us in the process.

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Yes, but by doing that, you'll never really get over him and you won't allow yourself to be open to fall inlove with someone else...

 

 

 

You deserve more than stolen moments, and little attention fillers here and there...Now this may be enough, but at some point you'll want more and he can't give that to you.

 

So well said whichwayisup! I agree that you will never be able to fall in love with someone who will provide you with the love, time and affection that you deserve. Try to let go the best you can. I know it's VERY hard but I also believe now that it can be done. Good luck.

 

AP:)

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Again my thanks for all the input. Apparently I wasn't the only one struggling with the change in our relationship. He made his decision without any ultimatums or pressure from me. He left W this weekend.

 

And before you jump all over me with dire warnings that he'll go back, please don't. We know that there is a long road ahead, that it won't be easy and that there will be ups and downs. He does however leave with a clear conscience that he did give it his all and tried to keep it together for his kids. And he will not be leaving there to come directly to me. I won't do that to my family, and he won't do that to his. He will establish a new residence and have a lot of work to do with his kids to help them through this. I will be there to help him whenever and however I can...

 

JCD - I spent many years in a marriage with a man I no longer loved. And I did it for my kids. It took a long time to come to the realization that my unhappiness was affecting all of us, especially them. Even after I was pretty sure that it had to end, I still did try my best to try and work it out...we went to counselling and hung in for another year. That being said, I don't think you can share a life with someone for so many years and think that it will be easy to end. It's not, even if you are the one instigating it, and you second guess your decision (often before it has been vocalized) and you wonder if you can recapture what you had...all to prevent tearing a family apart. At least, that was my experience.

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It's kind of strange that he would get his own place instead of moving in with you. Whatever happens, be careful and don't let him settle for you. It will not result in a happy marriage, one you could have with someone that is crazy about you and would want to be with you as often as possible.

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Wow...I'm shocked that anyone would suggest that I have him move in when we haven't been seeing each other for the past year and a half. And what about all the kids involved??

 

We have the rest of our lives together and it is important to consider the impact on each of the people involved when we start to blend our families. Things such as the number of bedrooms will mean that we need to look at moving to a bigger house. His kids need to adjust to him moving out of the 'family' home. That is difficult enough without them trying to understand why he is living with someone else's kids. My kids need to adjust to him and his kids being back in their lives... It's not that we don't want to live together right away, it just that our wants must come second to our responsibilities to others.

 

If there were no kids involved then it would be easy.

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consternation

I find it extraordinarily strange that anyone would suggest him moving straight in with you. That is completely inappropriate. Let alone saying saying its strange he didnt move in with you!! That has my nut radar beeping.

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I find it extraordinarily strange that anyone would suggest him moving straight in with you. That is completely inappropriate. Let alone saying saying its strange he didnt move in with you!! That has my nut radar beeping.

 

Well from one nut to another Thanks consternation!:sick:

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