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How does one get rid of obsessive thoughts for a married man?


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Here's my situation in a nutshell:

I went back to college 3 years ago as a recently divorced 44 year old. I had one professor for 5 courses (not entirely my choice / for three of those courses, he was the only prof choice to be had). We hit it off really well from the first course on because we have a lot in common. We have the same religious, political, social views and share a love for literature and the arts. He began to flirt with me, and at first I was really thrown off guard by it. No one had flirted with me for a couple decades or so and I honestly thought I was probably imagining things at first.

 

I guess you could say I received very mixed signals from him, because the way he often acted towards me (compliments, touching, sexual innuendo, going out of his way to follow me around campus, calling me at home) did not jive with his supposed religious views--UNLESS I really was making a whole lot more out of all of this than he really intended. I was really confused for those two years with him as my prof, and honestly, I still don't know what to make of it all.

 

Anyway, I graduated with my AA and transferred to a 4-year university across town. We've had very minimal contact since my graduation--a few emails, that's it. He always signs them xoxoxo and his name. Like I said, I don't know what his deal is, but that's not what I'm concerned with. I'm concerned with my obsessive thoughts about this man--I can't get him out of my head. It kind of runs in cycles: I'll obsessively think about him for a few months until I convince myself in some way to quit it for awhile (I'll literally make a list of every possible reason NOT to think about this man), but a month or two later I find myself thinking (and actually yearning for) this man who is unavailable and most likely not the type of man I fantasize that he really is. Does this make sense?

 

My question is--how do I stop this fantasy in my head once and for all? In every other respect, my life is going well--I'm on the Dean's list at school, I'll be graduating this spring with my BA and already have plans to go directly into grad school. I get along with my ex-husband relatively well, my children are grown and doing well, life is peachy except that I am romantically lonely, I guess, and maybe that's why I became so easily obsessed with this married man. I have to break this obsession in my head by whatever means necessary. Any advice will greatly be appreciated.

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Imagine how you'd feel two more years from now if you're still obsessed with thoughts of another woman's husband. Doesn't that make you sad for the fresh future which you are just beginning? You must want better for yourself. Read some of the threads in this forum carefully, and see how sad and pathetic the OW's feel yearning for someone they can't really have yet so enamored that no one else will do. Let the reality of their pain into your heart and think of that each time you start fantasizing about this MM.

 

Do you want to be posting here a year from now asking how to deal with the loneliness of being in love with a MM?

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Blind Illusion

Probably, if someone else came into your life, this obsession would take care of itself. To some extent, I think we all have these type of crushes-perhaps its something left-over from our younger days. It adds a certain zest to our life too.

 

I am not sure how one just stops thoughts. I never seemed to be able to do that.

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Normally I'd say, "get involved in things and keep busy", but you sound very busy already. So, my next suggestion would be to get involved iin something that entails meeting people, a club, church, etc.

 

And one other thing -

 

Either tell him the next time he writes that you don't want him to write you anymore, or just don't answer his e-mails. You are currently involved in an EA with this man, whether you know it or not. If you no longer have contact (mail or personal) with him, he will eventually fade from your thoughts.

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whichwayisup
My question is--how do I stop this fantasy in my head once and for all?

 

If you really want to get rid of the obsessive thoughts and move on with your life - GO talk to a therapist who specializes in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. It WILL help you! I suffer from an anxiety disorder and I do know CBT helps others with anxiety/depression/OCD/PTSD etc. So, give it a try.

 

You have to change your thinking habits and learn to control them, instead of it controlling you. Silktricks is right with her words, the less see/talk to him the less he'll be in your head too.

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SadandConfusedWA

I'm in somewhat similar situation of having those thoughts/fantasies about my MM boss. I see him every day and we work very closely together. The only thing with me is that I am not really sure I want to stop those thoughts as they add certain something to my currently lonely life. I firmly beleive though that it's just a fantasy and I wouldn't act on it (but then again who knows...). I also think that if I start dating someone or find another guy to be interested in the situation will take care of itself. It's not like those thoughts are rulling my life. But it is fun to dress up for work and always try to look my best...:cool:

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i agree w/ blind. i think if some one else caught your interest, this mm would fade from your thoughts.

 

the getting involved in social activities is also great advise.

 

best of luck to you!

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Thanks to all who responded, and for the advice. Yes, I agree--I think if I met another available man, thoughts of the Professor would fade away of their own accord. I'm not sure how to do that, though, with the way my life is right now. I've been taking 18 credits per semester to earn my degree while I still have alimony and have the luxury of attending school full-time. The only way I can afford school is through a generous scholarship that requires me to maintain a high GPA--so my life literally is nothing but school, study, and sleep when I can get it.

 

Being a 46 year old undergrad at a university where that is a rarity makes it all the worse. Who is out there for me to date? Ironically, I was asked to go to an upcoming KORN concert by a 24 year old last week, but I think that would be just as inappropriate as me thinking of dating a married man. That kid is the same age range as my own sons, for crying out loud. I don't know--if I can manage to hang in there for one more year, then my schedule will lighten up considerably and I'll be in a place where I should be able to meet available men my age. It's just getting through that year that's going to be a killer.

 

I think I'm going to try two things: physical assault and prayer. :^) Everytime I think of him, I'm going to smack myself in the head as hard as I can. And then I'll say a short prayer for the professor and his wife, that their marriage will strengthen and that they'll be happy together the rest of their lives. And then maybe smack myself in the head one more time just to seal it.

 

Thanks again for the responses.

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destination_unknown

Hey, is there a mature student society at your uni? That would be a great way to meet someone and they would most likely have a similar schedule?

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Don't let your age make you feel it's inappropriate to do certain stuff!! Esp. since you are single. You should go to the KORN concert. Have a good time.

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I think also... something you may consider thinking about...

 

Let me relate my situation. I split with my partner of 10 years over two years ago now. During the last two years, I have become involved with three men. Two of them turned out to be married. One of them I met at work and the other I met through a running club. Now... I didn't actively know they were married at the time. But, given that they were both late 30's and their 'dating' styles i.e. only went out in the afternoons, it became a little obvious after a girlfriend pointed it out. The third man was single. Now.. both the married men, I fell for and had quite startlingly heavy crushes on them. But those relationships didn't work out - for obvious reasons! Immediately that I discovered they were married, they were dumped as fast as you could blink. Now, the other guy. He was sweet, considerate and kind and he loved everything about me. Me..? I just did not fall for him. I just didn't get it. Weird. Or so I thought.

 

Not so. Instead what my therapist thinks I was doing was entangling myself unconsciously with emotionally unavailable men... in a bid that I would not have to give any kind of commitment or trust to these relationships... and thereby not allowing myself to invest of myself in the relationship and risk getting hurt. Even more startling, was the fact that when the opportunity arose for gaining that commitment and trust, I walked. I wasn't ready. I was scared. I still couldn't give that commitment and trust... even in the face of no good reason not to. It was this final relationship which ended around 4 months ago now which pointed me to the facts of what I was unconsciously doing.

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