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Hi. I'm new here, never posted, but been here and read some of the threads a couple of times.

 

I am in love with a married man, and have been for over a year. I met him at work just as my own marriage was falling apart, and my husband ran off across the country to meet another woman. That is a whole other story, but eventually he came back wanted to be with me. I said no, because I couldn't live with him anymore, but also because I had very strong feelings for someone else... this married man.

 

I knew he was married before it started. I didn't intend for it to go as far as it did, I just wanted him to be a friend. But you guys know how it goes, one thing after another happens and you find yourself thinking about him every day and then you feel like you can't live without him. HE made that first move. He did it all. I was reluctant to get involved with him that deeply, but he said that he was willing to tear down his marriage for me, and stupidly I believed him.

 

That happened a year ago. He managed to live with me for a couple of months, telling his wife he was away doing something for work (she is extremely trusting and naive, and never even seemed to ask questions), and eventually I guess I just asked him too many times to get a divorce started, which he kept saying he would do but then would put off, saying he had to wait until X happened, etc. My badgering drove him back to her one night. And it tore me apart.

 

He has tried twice since then to leave her, but he said the guilt just eats at him too much. Last week I pretty much told him that if he wasn't able to do it then he needed to decide that and leave me alone, because I couldn't emotionally do it anymore. He took his stuff and left, and I assumed it was over.

 

NC has never lasted longer than a day with us, and I blame myself for being too weak. This past week he has started telling his wife that there is another woman, and that he wants a different life. But yesterday she actually got angry, and I guess she never gets angry, so he said it "made him think." This morning he told me that he just wouldn't be able to leave her.

 

It feels like I have a giant hole ripped in me. What makes it worse is that he is my only friend (I am a very quiet, shy, private person. i don't really have anyone to talk to besides my mother) and I just don't feel I can be "just friends" with him, because the memory of what I lost hurts too much.

 

So I guess I am looking for help and support to get through this, and to help me move on. I am having a very hard time dealing with it, and I just want to cry all the time. I know I sound absolutely pathetic and I hope you guys don't look down on me. but you seem supportive and I am hoping to maybe find someone to talk to.

 

I am only 22. I got married to my ex-husband when I was 18, and he and I are divorced now. he is living in England and we still talk to each other. In truth, he wants me back and I am tempted to go back to him simply to not be alone, but I know that is a horrible reason to be in a relationship and I don't want to hurt him. Our divorce came through last April.

 

The MM is 43. There is a huge age difference, and mentally I know I am better off without him, since I eventually want kids and it would be nice if their father was around to see them grow up. It just hurts so much inside being alone... please help me get through this...

 

sorry for the long post

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Hi Sara, and welcome.

 

I'm sorry you're in so much pain right now, but i can promise that it will get better. Although it may not seem like it right now.

 

I can't say i know exactly how you feel, as i am still with my MM, it will be a year on sat. And we also have a large age gap. I'm 28, he is 41. That seems to be pretty common lately.

 

Anyways, do not return to your exH. That is not a good reason to be with someone. You found someone once (MM) you will find someone again. You just can't put yourself in that mindset that noone will love you like your MM did. OK?

 

Being with my MM is one of the most self inflicted, painful situations i've ever been in in my life. But there is always a rainbow after the rain.

 

You will get through this. We are all here for you, try to ignore the BS's that will berate you and tell you that you deserve this.

 

Everyone makes mistakes in their lives, just learn from this one! You're still very young and you have a whole life ahead of you.

 

*HUGS* It can only get better!

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Hello sarabobara,

 

I know it doesn't necessarily feel AT ALL like it at the moment, but you are so much better off without either of those men in your life.

 

You have shown yourself to be strong, in insisting on the divorce, and on giving your MM an ultimatum. These are good things. Keep insisting on the best. We all have our weak and lonely times when we feel alone, friendless and wondering what will become of us. But take comfort from the fact that you're NOT one to compromise on what you want from life... it is far better to be alone for a while than settling for something. THAT is the way to a good life down the line. Never settle, never go back because it seems scary to go forward.

 

Chin UP! It's all going to be fine...

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Thank you for the kind words you too. I was hoping someone would be able to understand. Encouragement feels good after all this time of disappointment and longing.

 

I woke up this morning feeling almost happy, thinking about all the directions my life could take now. Instead of planning to have this 43 year-old's kids and hope he will support me (I thought THAT was my dream... ha!) I am now trying to focus on maybe going back to school and doing something I enjoy. Instead of settling.

 

Those thoughts have gotten me through the day. I suppose that is how you do this? Just find ways to get through the day? It is so hard, because when I come home all I can think about is how he isn't going to be visiting tonight... :(

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Hi there,

I don't normally post but I read the post almost everyday, just to get support.

 

Just hang in and take it as it happens. Some days, hours, minutes are better then others. I am in somewhat of a similar situation. At first he said he wouldn't leave his wife, a few months after nothing happened I couldn't take being "second best". I called it off, regretted it the next day. But I stayed NC for one week. I called to talk with him last week and we did. Then at that point he agreed it was over. However since then, he's been calllling me and following me around since I've kept my distance. This is the first weekend I haven't spent any time with him in one way or another and it is lonely!!!

 

Anyway, hang in there, we are strong for making us first!

 

 

Best!

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When does the feeling of having been discarded go away? When will I let go of the fact that I wasn't The Chosen One? When can I think about him without imagining what he and his wife are doing, and how happy they are together, and how he no longer thinks about me or wants me?

 

When will the pain stop?

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Fluffyllama

I was/am in a similar situation, and I can't say I have any answers for you. I've asked myself those same questions over and over and over. I just want you to know I'm here to support you and others who are in this situation as well. We have to BELIEVE it will get better.

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Sarabobara, my heart goes out to you. In my situation I was with my ex-MM for about a year before the wife found out. It's been a roller coster ever since. She threatened to leave....but stayed, he threatened to leave....but stayed....blah..blah..blah!! Now mind you we were seeing each other almost as long as him and the W have been married(she got pregnant and he, i guess, tried to do the right thing). Me personally I feel terrible for ever getting in this situation(feel awful for all the hurt people).

 

Okay to sum everything up we continued to keep contact with each other for the next several months intil she came to my house one morning and caught him with me(terrible!!!). Of coarse he left, several hours later, saying he would have to go find an apartment, guess what he called me the next day crying and telling me there was no way he could leave his son. Let me tell you my heart was broken by him so many times. I will never tell you hes a bad person because even to this day I love him dearly. Everyday I feel a little better and everyday I realize that it's just not a good situation to be in......EVER.

 

Now I would be lying if I said I don't miss him, because I do....HORRIBLY! But I have come to the realization that if someone wants to be with you(100%) they will and on your terms. Yes the pain will get better I promise. You have to keep yourself busy and try to get out and be around friends. Most importantly you need to stay strong. Will the MM call you again?....yes probably.

 

Will he continue to tell you all the right things....yes probably. Over time you'll start to see a pattern and all the broken promises. Stay strong okay I know you can do this!! Ohh and please don't answer the phone if he calls it will only set you back.Good luck

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When does the feeling of having been discarded go away? When will I let go of the fact that I wasn't The Chosen One? When can I think about him without imagining what he and his wife are doing, and how happy they are together, and how he no longer thinks about me or wants me?

 

When will the pain stop?

 

I would take a guess and say that a lot of your pain is stemming from the fact that you've been getting your feelings of self-esteem from your relationships with others. What that means is that instead of knowing, in yourself, how GREAT you are, you only really appreciate those things when there are others there to confirm (either by their presence in your company, or by actual words or a look, whatever) it.

 

When a relationship ends, and we are someone with low self-esteem, we DO feel like we've been discarded. In an affair, we DO feel 'second best' to the W. Strangely enough, people with low self-esteem are more likely than anyone to find themselves in situations which confirm their feelings about themselves... that they don't deserve more. It's amazing how we will sell ourselves short like that... and always hope that 'one day' someone will come along and see us for the great people we really know ourselves to be... but don't BELIEVE in it.

 

Real self-esteem comes from within. Not from the words (or presence) of others. After all, if we only feel good, accepted, worthy, when others do particular things... then when they leave, or say other, not so good things, we're really in trouble. Relying on other people to 'make us feel good' is dangerous. Because then they can 'make us feel bad'.

 

So, I would say... work on that area of your life. Get some self-help books out on really appreciating yourself, get a make-over or new clothes (for YOU!) and then admire yourself in a mirror (does that sound silly?), take up some new hobbies or challenges (even small ones! no need to climb Everest!) that give you confidence and a sense of achievement. Really grasp the nettle of enjoying life for the pure joy of it, alone or with friends. Please YOURSELF. Practice saying 'no' and not fretting about what the other person thinks! And don't ever put yourself last, nor change yourself, nor comprimise yourself or your integrity for anyone.

 

If you give yourself 6 months to a year to really work hard on yourself in this kind of way, you'll be better equipped when your next relationship comes along, to deal with it if it doesn't go the way you wanted. AND the best thing is that you'll probably find it will go much better, because you won't be fretful, nervous of offending the other for fear they will withdraw, etc. You'll probably be attracting a whole different kind of person anyway, what with all your new-found confidence.

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When does the feeling of having been discarded go away? When will I let go of the fact that I wasn't The Chosen One? When can I think about him without imagining what he and his wife are doing, and how happy they are together, and how he no longer thinks about me or wants me?

 

When will the pain stop?

 

When you think about the fact that YOU chose to put you first. When you realize that you needed to think about you and your future. You weren't discarded, you freed yourself so that you could fly.

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Thank you all for your responses and your kind words and stories. I know I need to work on my self esteem, and that is where most of my unhappiness is coming from, as well as likely being the cause for getting into this situation to begin with. I do tend to look for approval from others, and what could be more of an ego boost than a man preferring to spend time with you over his wife? Which is an awful thing to say, I know, and I know I got myself into this mess.

 

The day after he told me he couldn't leave his wife I called a counselor and made an appointment for the end of the month. I am going to sign up for a speech class that will hopefully boost my confidence, even though I am terrified of the idea. I am lucky enough to have my family near to support me through this and give me much needed encouragement.

 

I am trying very hard to keep my mind off him and find ways to improve myself. I only hope it will have a positive impact on my feelings about myself. I am sure I will still be looking for support in the near future, though.

 

You guys have been very helpful. Every time I find myself missing him and wishing we were back the way things were a few months ago, I come here to remind myself why I made the ultimatum in the first place. And it reaffirms my decision.

 

It is a battle to get through each day right now, but you all are helping. Thank you so, so much.

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