ALC Posted August 2, 2006 Share Posted August 2, 2006 Hello LoveShack members! I'm in a real pickle right now and I need some advice on how to proceed with this matter. First and foremost, I don't claim to be an angel. I'm as guilty as the next man/woman as far as cheating goes. I've done it, got caught and confessed everything and then some. Around November or December of 2005 my soon-to-be wife (as of right now) was cheating on me with one of her co-workers. I didn't find this out until February 2006. Around the middle of January 2006 I finally got caught and was kicked out of the house, and within 24 hours she was moving somebody else in... Claiming nothing had happened between the two of them previously. Oh - keep in mind that the guy she moved in was not the co-worker. Well, on Valentines Day 2006 she kicks this guy out and comes over to my place begging and pleading, "Please come home, I want you back in my life". It was a weak moment and I agreed to come back. We both agreed that we would stay true to each other and things had to change or we weren't going to work out. About a week later I was doing laundry and I came across two notes that were lying behind the dirty clothes hamper. After reading the notes I picked up the phone and called her at work and told her what I had found. Now, before all of this happened she reassured me that she never cheated... physically or emotionally. In my book, cheating is cheating. So she finally confessed that one of her co-workers (who is also married) had been writing her notes but that was it... nothing else ever happened. It's hard to believe when the notes say otherwise. Now I seriously doubt it was all one-sided... she was probably writing him notes, too. And who knows if they were intimate? Being the sucker that I am, I believed what she told me and I let it go... but I stayed cautious. So here it is August, we are expecting a child and had plans to get married in September... until this happened... I get an anonymous phone call the other day saying that my fiancé is still messing around with this co-worker. I told her about the call and she went ape ****... denying everything. So I told her that I had copies of the notes that he wrote her and was going to take them to his wife. Then I got the ultimatum... either I drop it and stay out of his business, or jeopardize our relationship. She was totally against me going to his wife and letting her know what her husband has been up to. To me, that sounds like a guilty person. She claims the guy is vindictive and would somehow cause her to lose her job if I followed through with my plan. In a nutshell, if I go to the wife with the information that I have, I'm not going to have a future with my fiancé. I don't know what to do. I confessed EVERYTHING to her after I was found out... She denied that she ever did anything until I found the notes. I keep thinking to myself, "If she lied about the affair until she was caught, what else could she be lying about?" Yeah I know it sounds like a Jerry Springer episode, but I'd really appreciate some feedback. I don't know what I should do. Link to post Share on other sites
orleannaprice Posted August 3, 2006 Share Posted August 3, 2006 I do believe the first thing to do would be call off the wedding. There's way too much going on to even consider marriage. Secondly, from what you've said, I get the feeling she's still sleeping with the married guy. That would bring to light the question - "whose child is she carrying?". Thirdly, it's your decision to tell the MM's wife. From your fiance's reaction, I would conclude with greater surety that she is still sleeping with the married guy. The foundation of your relationship is built on sand. Both of you screwing around and lying. If she wanted to be with you for now and always, she wouldn't be putting ultimatums on the relationship status with regards to telling the MM's wife. Something is fishy and I think you know that. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted August 3, 2006 Share Posted August 3, 2006 So I told her that I had copies of the notes that he wrote her and was going to take them to his wife. What is to be gained by ruining his wife's life or at least causing her discomfort, distress and anguish. Her "punishment" is a daily issue. She has to live with him. She needs no help from you. Most of us have chosen badly and made mistakes in the past. The trick is to move beyond it with dignity. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ALC Posted August 3, 2006 Author Share Posted August 3, 2006 I have to admit, the both of you are right. If the trust isn't there, marriage is totally out of the question. If you don't have trust you don't have anything. I guess I'm just upset about her giving me the ultimatum. It just didn't sit right with me... the only thing it did was amplify my distrust and make we want to dig deeper. And I also feel that if the tables were turned and I was the one saying, "If you do it, we're over", she would say the heck with me and my feelings and go with her original plan. I also have the added bonus of questioning who the father of her baby is everyday. This sounds bad, but if I'm going to go through all of this sweating, somebody else is going to feel it too. If they are going to make my life hell I have no other choice but to return the favor. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted August 3, 2006 Share Posted August 3, 2006 I have to admit, the both of you are right. If the trust isn't there, marriage is totally out of the question. If you don't have trust you don't have anything. I guess I'm just upset about her giving me the ultimatum. It just didn't sit right with me... the only thing it did was amplify my distrust and make we want to dig deeper. And I also feel that if the tables were turned and I was the one saying, "If you do it, we're over", she would say the heck with me and my feelings and go with her original plan. I also have the added bonus of questioning who the father of her baby is everyday. This sounds bad, but if I'm going to go through all of this sweating, somebody else is going to feel it too. If they are going to make my life hell I have no other choice but to return the favor. ahhh is she claiming that you are the father of the child? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ALC Posted August 3, 2006 Author Share Posted August 3, 2006 Yes I'm being told that I'm the father of the child. Either way it does I have planned to get a DNA test done. I've been leaning towards just sitting back and playing it cool until I find out the results of the DNA test... if the baby isn't mine I'll have every right to go to the MM's wife. Revenge -- A Dish Best Served Cold. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 3, 2006 Share Posted August 3, 2006 Around the middle of January 2006 I finally got caught and was kicked out of the house, and within 24 hours she was moving somebody else in... Claiming nothing had happened between the two of them previously. Oh - keep in mind that the guy she moved in was not the co-worker. You moved out and this guy moved in? And she's claiming it was completely planotic???? BULLCRAP. Her actions are not matching her words, and yes, she is calling your bluff. Confronting her and her denying - Then threatening you... Then I got the ultimatum... either I drop it and stay out of his business, or jeopardize our relationship. She was totally against me going to his wife and letting her know what her husband has been up to. She is scared of being busted too. Losing her job (dumb move for her to get involved with someone at the office who has enough power to ruin her career, let alone a married guy)... The fact she is pregnant changes everything. She has you by the balls and she knows it. The possibility of the baby being his could be...And if she wasn't pregnant I would tell you to CALL HER BLUFF cuz I don't believe she really thinks you'll follow through... Either way you two need couples therapy and hold off on the wedding. Someone mentioned this, but yes, the relationship is full of lies and neither of you can fully trust the other. Two wrongs do NOT make a right. Start talking with her, and let her know you are NOT going to put up with her still seeing him. If she wants to have you in her life then she has to stop outside contact with the other guy. Can I ask? The woman you had an affair with, does she contact you still? How long did that affair last? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ALC Posted August 3, 2006 Author Share Posted August 3, 2006 The woman that I had an affair with can be contacted, I have nothing to hide... heck I even told my fiance to contact her. I cheated back in December 2004, which was a month after we started dating. Now I know that it was wrong and I can't justify it. It was a one night stand, simple and plain. The both of us knew that a relationship was never going to come out of it; it was convenient for the both of us. That was in December 2004 and presently this woman is happily married. After that one night we never spoke again, nobody is bitter about anything because it was what it was...sex. So to answer your question, no she doesn't contact me. Stick around, I'll be right back... FedEx is here Link to post Share on other sites
scarletletter Posted August 3, 2006 Share Posted August 3, 2006 OH MY GOD!! This is an insane situation. You are not married, but planning to, a kid on the way and both of you are cheating on each other. First and foremost, CALL OFF THE WEDDING! There is no way in hell that you will have a successful marriage with that kind of baggage. If you can't have a relationship without cheating when you are dating and not totally committed to each other by law, then how in the world do you think you are going to handle being married. Recipe for disaster. I, too, am no saint. BUT...I never cheated on my husband until my marriage was in serious trouble. Still trying to get out of it safely. You are going into a marriage with cheating backgrounds...and not just cheating backgrounds...RECENT cheating backgrounds!! What a mess! I think you know what you need to do. Too much drama for a marriage, that's for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 3, 2006 Share Posted August 3, 2006 Too much drama for a marriage, that's for sure. And for the poor child that will be born soon enough too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ALC Posted August 4, 2006 Author Share Posted August 4, 2006 You hit the nail on the head... Too much drama. Yes it's pretty much a Jerry Springer episode. As far as the marriage goes, I think we've both come to the conclusion that we need to get our priorities in order before we make a decision like that. The thing is, I can't be with her 24/7 and I shouldn't have to be. The trust should be there. I can't go with her to work and make sure she isn't messing with this guy, as much as I'd like to. I can tell her what's making me uncomfortable but once she walks out the door she's free to do whatever. I've even went as far as to tell her to bring home the married guy's schedule... once again she went ape ****. So as it looks from this point, I guess I'm just going to have to suck it in and wait until I get the DNA test results back. I'm going to call her bluff but it's not going to be in the timetable that I was originally going with. And that sucks for me because all I've done is enable her to give this guy a heads up... and by that time it could be too late. Link to post Share on other sites
lovelorcet Posted August 4, 2006 Share Posted August 4, 2006 you can do a dna test before the child is even born, it might be worth it to clear up this point asap... Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted August 4, 2006 Share Posted August 4, 2006 ok huge red flag on the "who is the Daddy" thing. A man is still having an affair with her while she is supposedly pregnant with your child? If so good chance it is his baby IMHO. You need to check on the legalities of putting your name on the birth certificate and what not and how a DNA test that proves the child is not yours will effect you in that manner. Don't get trapped in the bs if it is not your child. Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted August 4, 2006 Share Posted August 4, 2006 you can do a dna test before the child is even born, it might be worth it to clear up this point asap... It can cause miscarriage to do it before birth. Not fair if the women in question wants to keep the child. Could the OP not wait until the result of the dna test after birth before signing the birth cert? Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted August 4, 2006 Share Posted August 4, 2006 It can cause miscarriage to do it before birth. Not fair if the women in question wants to keep the child. Could the OP not wait until the result of the dna test after birth before signing the birth cert? yes but he needs to figure out how to go about it ASAP and the time needed for the results. And if the gf is going to throw a tantrum over this whole ordeal of a DNA test. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 4, 2006 Share Posted August 4, 2006 Do some reserach on paternity testing. It can be done in the second trimester specifically to determine paternity, or as part of other prenatal testing - like if she needs an amniocentesis anyway. There is some risk of miscarriage or harming the baby, though. There's no harm to the baby if it's done after birth either through blood test, cheek swab, or umbilical cord test. I believe if the mother is not married when the baby is born and hasn't been married in the past 9 or 10 months, they don't list a father on the birth certificate until a specific paternity form is filled out and signed. But that's something you should look into as well...each state has different rules about it. As for the rest...well, you already know marriage would be a big mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
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