my MM's getting divorced!!!!!

[eyeswideshut]

I cannot believe this!!!

 

As some of you know, I have been away for three weeks in Europe.

 

Before leaving, well, I had spent many gruelling insomniac evenings, obsessing about whether to go into NC or not. I never managed to, I figured, let me go to Europe and that will be my practice for NC, and when I come back, I will see what's up, then I will stop the affair.

(of course, knowing I might not be able to)

 

He brought me to the airport, and before I left, he told me that he wanted to bear my child. (I thought, this is crazy talk)

But of course, I believed him.

Anyway.

 

Two days after I was gone, he went into therapy again with his wife, and he told her how he felt about her.

She agreed that things hadn't been working out at all, and they hadn't slept together in two years, so, she agreed to divorce.

They had a long talk, with a lawyer, and decided when she would move out, and how they would split things.

The day before I arrived, they had a very friendly supper together and decided who would get what, and how they would tell their families and friends. (once again)

 

He told her that he went back to her out of guilt, and that he was willing to try to work it out as long as she was sad or couldn't deal with the loss. SHe decided she was fine with it, and was willing to let him go, and remain friends, since it was obvious his heart wasn't in it.

 

He picked me up at the airport yesterday, and I was about to tell him about the fun I had and the boys I met, and the places I've seen.

He was very happy to hear my stories, and then blurted out: I'm getting divorced. She's moving out in a few weeks. We are legally separated now, and within a year we will be divorced. (it takes a year).

 

We have been speaking non stop since then, and he has told me he is deeply in love with me, and has wanted to be with me for half his life (he knew me when he was 15). I can't believe this.

 

Anyway. I am shocked, I thought I really had to go through NC, all my friends in Europe told me he would never leave his wife, I was getting mentally prepared to accept that.

 

He told me that his best friend told him to not jump into a relationship just yet. I think I agree with that. He told me maybe we should take it slow, yet, at the same time, he wants to see me 24/7.

I told him I don't think we should tell anyone, before the divorce is finalized. It's all going so fast. We were only seeing each other once every 2 weeks. Now, he can come over anytime.

 

Any thoughts?

 

I don't want to be the rebound girl.

[scarletletter]

I am going through the exact same thing. Almost sounds too good to be true so I am not going to fall too hard for this until the papers are signed. It's almost going too smoothly.

[whichwayisup]

Any thoughts?

 

I don't want to be the rebound girl.

 

TAKE THINGS SLOWLY.

 

Don't RUSH into a fullblown relationship. Date him. Do sleepovers but don't move in together.

 

He is going to need time to heal, and time to figure things out.

[eyeswideshut]

OMG scarlett, do tell!!

 

Or maybe you already wrote it all but I haven't checked, since I was gone so long.

 

Yes, I must take things slowly. He and I will definitely not be moving in, that's for sure. I think we'll just keep being friends, and I will go on, as I did.

I'm terrified as hell really. I still wonder what's going to happen.

 

He is happy, he wants to see me, but I am a bit scared, because I tended to see him as a FWB, and now, the thought of a relationship scares me.

 

I'm such a commitment phobe!!!!

 

Anyway. We're both pretty similar, so we understand one another.

 

But still, I'm scared as hell.

 

Anyhow, this is his separation year, I can't be going public yet, so we have to be careful.

[lizad]

eyes wide shut.......did he move out or did she? Do you know for sure that this is truly happening and that she knows??

I only ask b/c I as ending an A. I am married however and never made any promises of leaving my H. He has claimed that he and his wife haven't slept together in two years, I hear the blow by blows everyday of what he says goes on there yet he is still with her and she is still with him.

Even though I never wanted any commitment of any sort from him, when I would back away from the realationship, I always got the " paper's are being drawn, I told everyone about you, etc. etc....

I think for me, when he thought he was losing me, by saying these things, I wouldn;t walk away even though I didn't need to here these things.....

I think when men get desperate, they will say anything.

I'm not trying to burst your bubble here at all, believe me.........just sharing my thoughts

[Guest]

I posted my story the forum under "busted by the wife". I am still freaking out over it because it was only a week ago today that it happened. I am still married for now but i'm sure that once everything settles down with MM, I will persue on my situation. I just want to be with him and he wants to be with me but it is a very fragile situation right now and we cannot afford to make any more mistakes. We are trying to be mature and be patient in hopes that everything will work out for us after the dust settles.

[Blind Illusion]

Wow Eyes, what a turn of events. I'm glad for you. Guess that is how things happen. Here you are off in Europe, living your own life and see what happens.

 

I doubt very much if you can be considered the "rebound" girl. It's not like you just met him or he is just turning to you. By his own admission, he knows you half his life. Although, I agree with the others that I'd take things day by day and see what develops.

[Sami_D]

Seems to be a rush of separations and divorces. Zara, Scarlet, and now you.

 

See... it does happen.

[eng.teach]

New to the posting, but not knew to reading... congratulations! I think your MM is speaking genuinely, too. I'd take it slow, too... relish some of the parts that you haven't been able to for obvious reasons, etc. You're not the rebound girl. Don't stress, even though it will likely be hard not to since you are so used to waiting for the bottom to fall out. Don't let that aspect rain on your parade.

[eyeswideshut]

Lizad,

 

Yes I know for sure. She's moving out in a few weeks. He told me that one of the reasons he was sure he wanted to be with me was because when he told me he was going back to her, back in March, that I supported his decision and didn't freak out. he really respected that in me.

And since March, he was really afraid he would lose me, because he had been wanting to get my attention for half his life, and he didn't want to blow it now that he got my attention.

it's truly amazing. I am going to take this day by day, but it's weird, I never thought it would happen this quickly. everyone told me, if he went back, he would never leave her. But he did.

Anyway. I can't believe i never had to go through the gruelling NC ordeal.

how could things just fall into place like this?

 

well, I don't know what the rules are for the year of separation. he is not divorced, it takes a whole year before it becomes legal.

 

I don't think I should be seen in public with him.

 

He says it doesn't matter, and he wants to take me out all the time.

I don't know. I really think I should be careful.

[stillhere]

Congrats EWS............

 

I think you should take it slow and not be seen with him for a while. I don't remember, was it ever discovered that he was having an A? If not, really lay low, someone will figure it out if you two are all lovey dovey out in public, and then the divorce may not be so amicable.

 

It's best that you guys try to keep things the way they are right now, or have been. I can understand how he feels, sh*t if my MM left his W, i'd want him surgically attached to my hip from that day forward!! I'm kidding of course, but i can certainly understand his excitement! I'm excited for him.

 

I hope it all works out for you! *Hugs*

[yesmaybe]

Woa...I'm in the same boat as EWS, Scarlett...what's going on?!

[eyeswideshut]

what is going on?

 

I feel ambivalent about this whole situation.

It's as though we skipped over the whole blissful dating stage.

When he told me he was getting divorced, BAM! he was in my life.

 

I was not really in the proper mind set for a new man.

NOw he comes over, we talk, we are blissful, we have sex.

But there's no mystery, no courting phase, no first dates.

He sees me in my underwear and glasses, no makeup, I never get the chance to get all dressed up to go out. We shower together, he knows my bathroom habits, I feel as though i've never been "asked" to be with.

 

Am I just a complainer?

 

We can't tell anyone about our relationship for another year, but by the time we tell people, and start being more open, we'll already know one another really well, and it will be hard to fake it ( he is closely tied to members of my family and I know all his close friends).

 

I wish I could start anew, but we're already into a full blown affair.

 

How do all of you handle it? (the women who's MM are divorcing)

[whichwayisup]

I feel ambivalent about this whole situation.

It's as though we skipped over the whole blissful dating stage.

When he told me he was getting divorced, BAM! he was in my life.

 

I was not really in the proper mind set for a new man.

NOw he comes over, we talk, we are blissful, we have sex.

But there's no mystery, no courting phase, no first dates.

He sees me in my underwear and glasses, no makeup, I never get the chance to get all dressed up to go out. We shower together, he knows my bathroom habits, I feel as though i've never been "asked" to be with.

 

Am I just a complainer?

 

We can't tell anyone about our relationship for another year, but by the time we tell people, and start being more open, we'll already know one another really well, and it will be hard to fake it ( he is closely tied to members of my family and I know all his close friends).

 

I wish I could start anew, but we're already into a full blown affair.

 

All that happened while he was with his wife. He WAS dating you, getting to know you...Problem is, he was married - So, yes - It's not the same as dating when two people meet as single folks. But, being in an affair has many downsides, and I guess that courtship, getting to know eachother slowly and let it grow at it's own pace isn't the same as it would be if you two had hooked up without prior relationships.

 

The year I'm sure is going to be rough, more hiding, sneaking around, etc... It might be another test to your relationship with him. Expect some rough times, but if you love him enough, hang in there...

[norajane]

I wish I could start anew, but we're already into a full blown affair.

 

He told me that his best friend told him to not jump into a relationship just yet. I think I agree with that. He told me maybe we should take it slow, yet, at the same time, he wants to see me 24/7.

 

There's nothing wrong with stepping back a bit. Just because he's suddenly getting a divorce, doesn't mean you have to accept an accelerated relationship. If you want to be courted, then tell him you agreed with him when he said to take it slow, and that it's important TO YOU that you take it slow (not just for his sake, but FOR YOU).

[eyeswideshut]

I guess I'm a bit scared that he will wake up one day and say, hey wait a minute, I don'[t really want this.

 

He keeps trying to convince me that he liked me all his life, but the reality is, we began an affair when his brother died and he was in talks of divorce.

When all this hits him, when he is stable again, when he heals from the divorce and the grief of his brother, I am almost terrified that he will change his mind.

He told me that he is a bit scared about how strongly he feels for me.

To me, it's almost as though he has lustful feelings that were magnified because of the pain he had to deal with.

 

I just never began a relationship with a person who was healing from something.

I myself am healing from my past relationship.

 

Once, when we were "just friends" I asked him if he saw himself married to her forever. He said: no, being with someone for over twenty years is not only scary, it's wrong. I'll probably be with a girl who is 20 years younger.

His father divorced and remarried a much younger woman.

 

I'm in my prime now, but i'm still two years older than him.

should I be worried? are there any red flags I am not seeing?

 

I worry a bit about the age factor since all my past boyfriends were at least 5 years older than me.

He tells me we are practically the same age, and that he doesn't see me as an older woman.

 

I really worry, because at my age, I feel, I want to date a man who is going to father my child. I don't think he's even there yet.

[whichwayisup]

There is no guarantee that it will work out. Nothing in life is 100%. Just look at C0123's thread in the infidelity section.

 

Don't think too far ahead, you can't control what happens. All you have is the now. So, again, take it really slow. Maybe even slow down on the sex stuff too. Fool around...Let it build up. Get that thrill back!

 

I think you'll see the red flags if they come. Reading and posting here, I'm sure you've gained some insight on what to look for. But, don't start off the relationship full of these worries. If it's going to work out, you need to trust. Both of you need that, otherwise it won't last long.

[eyeswideshut]

thanks wwiu,

 

I really needed that. I woke up this morning with even more worries. I just need to chill. i needed someone to remind me that.

 

[whichwayisup]

You're welcome. And yeah, chill baby. Whatever is going to happen will happen...But don't always think the worst case senario either.

[Guest]

I agree with whichwayisup, however I think something deep down your inner core is telling you to definitely slow things down.

 

 

I have been in a similar situation. My MM said he loved me since I was 15 yrs of age( high school sweethearts) He promised me throughout my 20's that he would love me forever, and that I was the only one he had ever felt such a strong connection to. HE LIED!, because in my mid 20's he married someone else without my knowledge. Three kids later he comes back to me and tells me he made a mistake and realized I was his only true love. He was also in the process of getting a divorce, by that time I was dating someone else who had true potential. I was tempted to throw away what I had at the time for this MM, I even went as far as seeing him a few times. MM brought back some intense feelings up again along with hurt and insecurities I had not felt in a while. MM was in the middle of his divorce and getting a place of his own so we could start a new life together, when a light bulb went off in my head.

 

I thought if he could do this to his wife and kids he could with no doubt do it to me. What made me any different? but something inside my deepest core told me that I was making a huge mistake. As hard as it was at the time, I made the best decision to have NC with MM and 10 years later I have a very loving husband and two wonderful children, by the way it was the man who showed true potential. Sometimes love is not enough, you need someone who can love and be there for you always. You don't want to feel insecure all the time. You don't want to have trust issues, that is no decent way to live. I mean this with all sincerity

 

 

I wonder, now that you know you have him, do you feel the same intensity you felt for him while sneaking around? How about other affairs going on out there, did you all feel the same after he said he was getting a divorce?

 

 

I think you should listen to your gut, take it slow. You need to see if this man will be there for the long haul. I wish you luck! The odds are not in your favor. Try dating other people with clean slates, not someone that carries so much baggage.

[yesmaybe]

EWS, scarletletter...I sent you both a PM.