i dont think i mean this ugly

[owcanbhppy]

ive read on a couple of infidelity forums today (not just today, but several today). so many of these people are boring beyond belief! im not suprised that (not all, but many of the betrayed's) spouses went somewhere else, just to get away from the whining & nagging!

 

so many talk, talk, talk about wondering spouses & affair partners thinking only of themselves. they talk about how aff partners THINK they know all about the betrayed spouse; but, all any one has to say is ow or om. suddenly, every one one the board who has only heard op, knows the person is missing teeth, lacking personal hygene, carrying std's, always goes after married partners...blah, blah, blah.

 

tips for any one who wishes to actually make a point some one will listen to:

 

1) dont speak in absolutes, you loose credibility

2) 'they always', 'they never' is speaking in absolutes

3) read what a person is saying about thier particular situation, and respond to that, or ask questions before responding, so you know what youre responding to, not just sending off knee-jerk, opinion biased canned phrases

 

these tips are if it is your intention to make a difference. if youre just blowing off steam, as you were. youll get whatever it is you get from virtual flaming, the person will possibly throw it back at you & continue what suits them. nothing will have changed.

[Guest]

Well put. You know, if one were to walk into a room and ask, "How many of you in here are completely average?" - it's doubtful anyone would respond. The same is true with anything that makes us individuals. No one wants to hear the endless banter of "yeah, yeah... been there, done that" followed by the series of absolutes aforementioned. If that was all there were to these forums, no one would post.

 

Everyone's story is different. Are there common threads between heartaches, red flags and whatnot? Absolutely. But it is impossible to get a "be all end all" view into someone else's life through a 500 word internet post. At times there are those of us who come for moral support even when the answer lies within. It's the difference between building up and beating up, which sadly fluctuates a lot...

 

-eng.teach

(won't let me sign on...)

[erika2610]

Did you ever think that these people weren't whiney and nagging before, but they are now because they are being cheated on?! Not trying to be rude, but your post is kind of hard to understand, and from what it sounds like.. you are in an affair, and just trying to justify your actions.

[stoopid_guy]

1) dont speak in absolutes, you loose credibility

2) 'they always', 'they never' is speaking in absolutes

 

Give it up, we'll never learn.

 

3) read what a person is saying about thier particular situation, and respond to that, or ask questions before responding, so you know what youre responding to, not just sending off knee-jerk, opinion biased canned phrases

I hate to sound like a pessimist, but I find that the majority of folks don't come to engage their minds or have their minds changed. They want attention, or they want to push an agenda, or they just want to vent. This is true of every public forum I've ever been active in.

[THX2000]

ive read on a couple of infidelity forums today (not just today, but several today). so many of these people are boring beyond belief! im not suprised that (not all, but many of the betrayed's) spouses went somewhere else, just to get away from the whining & nagging!

 

so many talk, talk, talk about wondering spouses & affair partners thinking only of themselves. they talk about how aff partners THINK they know all about the betrayed spouse; but, all any one has to say is ow or om. suddenly, every one one the board who has only heard op, knows the person is missing teeth, lacking personal hygene, carrying std's, always goes after married partners...blah, blah, blah.

 

tips for any one who wishes to actually make a point some one will listen to:

 

1) dont speak in absolutes, you loose credibility

2) 'they always', 'they never' is speaking in absolutes

3) read what a person is saying about thier particular situation, and respond to that, or ask questions before responding, so you know what youre responding to, not just sending off knee-jerk, opinion biased canned phrases

 

these tips are if it is your intention to make a difference. if youre just blowing off steam, as you were. youll get whatever it is you get from virtual flaming, the person will possibly throw it back at you & continue what suits them. nothing will have changed.

 

 

Sadly, you sound so typical of a lot of the people that are wrapped up in this kind of behaviour. My favourite part of your "tips" is that you want people listen and know what they are responding about and not to generalize. However, the entire first paragraph of your post competely generalizes anyone that has been cheated on and squarely lays the blame for being cheated on their shoulders. Hello kettle? You're black.

 

I know that you are in the throws of a relationship with a MM and for that I will not judge you. However, you have a very narrow minded view of these situations based on your limited experience and extremely one-sided opinion. Have you ever read these forums? People involved in affairs are LIARS. I hate to be the one to break that to you but it is almost universally true. Most of the information you hear from cheaters is BS that is cooked up to justify their behaviour. Sorry to blow your little diatribe out of the water but it's crap, pure and simple.

[Lor]

so many talk, talk, talk about wondering spouses & affair partners thinking only of themselves.

 

Can you honestly tell me that a cheating spouse is actually thinking of anyone but themselves and their own personal satisfaction? I have yet to hear one that says "My W/H is wonderful, we have a great, satisfying marriage and she/he would be happy for me to have an affair.":sick:

[eng.teach]

You know, there is world of difference in acting selfishly vs. out of self interest. I think it is unfair to classify EVERYONE that has ever had an A as a selfish person. It is simply untrue and unfair. Everyone wants to love and be loved, and tragically there are those that don't find it in the most idealistic manner. I don't think that means these people are in their basements sharpening love meathooks to sink into some unsuspecting MM or MW. Please. Get over yourselves already... I also doubt the integrity of someone who passes offers moral advice through degradation. Hello? Why bother type?

[theantibarbie23]

You know, there is world of difference in acting selfishly vs. out of self interest.

I just wanted to point this out:

 

Main Entry: selfish

Part of Speech: adjective

Definition: egotistic

Synonyms: egocentric, egoistic, egoistical, egomaniacal, egotistic, egotistical, greedy*, hog, mean, mercenary, miserly, narcissistic, narrow, narrow-minded, parsimonious, prejudiced, self-centered, self-indulgent, self-interested, self-seeking, stingy, ungenerous

[Curmudgeon]

im not suprised that (not all, but many of the betrayed's) spouses went somewhere else, just to get away from the whining & nagging!

 

 

Talk about a "qualified" generality. How about the possibility that the wandering spouse simply lacked commitment, morals and courage and opted into an affair simply because they wanted to? Is there a possibility, in your mind, that not all cheaters are given "just" provocation by their spouses to commit adultery?

 

That being said, I can well understand how an OW can be happy when they convince themselves that all the blame for the affair lies at the feet of the betrayed spouse. It must make living with and validating yourself .... ummm .... themselves ever so much easier.

[Lor]

You know, there is world of difference in acting selfishly vs. out of self interest. I think it is unfair to classify EVERYONE that has ever had an A as a selfish person. It is simply untrue and unfair. Everyone wants to love and be loved, and tragically there are those that don't find it in the most idealistic manner. I don't think that means these people are in their basements sharpening love meathooks to sink into some unsuspecting MM or MW. Please.

 

I don't believe I classified EVERYONE that had an A as selfish, note the wording "cheating spouse". There are those that get caught up in one without their knowledge since they didn't know the other was M.

 

But excuse me, acting selfishly and out of self interest are the same things. And I am mainly referring to those that willingly and knowingly participate in an A. They found the perfect man/woman but they're taken? Guess what, they aren't yours for the taking, even if they offer themselves up. If that perfect man/woman becomes single, that is a different story. If it's true love then the wait would be worth it, don't you think? You can't steal the car just cuz it looks fun to drive.

 

I also doubt the integrity of someone who passes offers moral advice through degradation. Hello? Why bother type?

 

The pot calling the kettle black, don't you think?

[eng.teach]

The LONG debate over humans acting out of selfishness vs. self-interest has been going on since Aristotle. Perhaps I should have mentioned I wasn't going with an Oxford English Dictionary (that was funny, though). If anyone is interested, more than happy to point you to him, Freud or Hobbes. Some cool arguments. But psychology/philosophy isn't the point. There are too many wounded people using forums as weapons to vent their own frustration. I can say this with objectivity because I'm not in an affair, merely a sympathizer of a close friend who posts here. Quite worried about her. The moral issue is not my place to judge. Reducing OW/OM to horribly selfish people make them easy to attack, which is what most BS need to heal. Why would they not blame their own spouses? Because it implies that they may also be a contributor to a marriage gone awry vs. just a victim. The flying off the handle thing may as well be a flare gun for people with their own agendas. No black kettles here. Find another OW to belittle.

[Lor]

Reducing OW/OM to horribly selfish people make them easy to attack, which is what most BS need to heal. Why would they not blame their own spouses? Because it implies that they may also be a contributor to a marriage gone awry vs. just a victim. The flying off the handle thing may as well be a flare gun for people with their own agendas. No black kettles here. Find another OW to belittle.

 

The stick is pointed at both ends. Both OW/OM and BS are horribly selfish people as the OW/OM want something that that isn't rightful theirs to covet while the BS is selfish for wanting to sustain a M that may be dead regardless of their feelings and the cheating spouse is....well, a cheating spouse. In most cases, the BS is a contributor to the death of a M but does that make it okay for the SO to find comfort elsewhere? If the SO is that unhappy and no amount of councelling, etc will help save the marriage, then get out of it. Does any of this make the OW/OM and BS bad people? I don't believe so--most people are invadertantly sucked into a situation where they let their emotions and physical needs override what is "morally" right and do believe that the majority are good people. But they are selfish people who do know of the hurt or potential hurt they are causing others but yet that doesn't stop their actions.

 

If my statement came across as belittling to any OW, then please accept my apology for it was not intended that way. Some of us have been on both ends of the stick and have seen the damage that an EMA can cause firsthand and know the feelings that are involked by being the betrayer and the betrayee. And if there is one certainty, its that the BS definitely does blame the wayward spouse. It takes 2 to sustain a M, but only 1 or 3 to ruin it.

[owcanbhppy]

erika, i firmly believe we handle lifes upsets as we handle our lives. so, no i dont believe a partners affair 'made them that way'.

 

shine, no need to apologize, you didn't blow anything out of the water.

 

curm, i didnt say all, i said many.

 

 

looking at many of the posts on those sites, i see people who are 'perpetual victems'. some have been years away from the situation and even years away from the wandering spouse, but their entire lives revolve around 'look what he/she did to me.' again, that is some, not all.