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A message for OW


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If you're the OW and you haven't already seen it, check out the thread on the infidelity forum titled:

 

I'm the MM and I love my OW - now what? by Hard2Think

 

It makes interesting reading and gives an insight into what MM are thinking when they do the things they do..... bearing in mind their view point is heavily biased, full of contradictions and contain examples of their tendencies to say one thing ("I'm not a typical MM, I don't want her [OW] to feel used) in the hope that it will excuse whatever they does to the contrary.

 

I feel sorry for his OW and his wife!!

 

veronese

 

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I wanted to mention that when I suggested OW take a look at the thread over in Infidelity, it was only because I thought it might show OW how unreliable and fickle some MM can be even when they appear not to be.

 

I wasn't recommending it with the objective of showing OW how MM end up with their wives, that's not what I intended at all.

 

I thought it would help OW understand how MM can say one thing, then do the exact opposite. I would never have guessed he'd have the slightest inclination to stay with his wife at the start of his thread. He fooled me as much as everyone else, including himself I suspect.

 

He treated his OW and W like crap and has been cruel and hurtful to them all. IMO his OW is lucky to escape from his clutches and although she's in pain and upset at the moment, I honestly think she's better off than she would be had she not had the courage to give him an ultimatum which forced his true character out into the open.

 

I also don't think his wife should give him another chance, going on what he has said on this site, but no doubt she will hear a completely different version of events and may be persuaded to try to work things out with him.

 

As a rule I am all for couples trying to save their marriages if there is any hope for recovery. But in H2T's case I honestly don't envisage this happening, mainly because he hasn't got a clue about what it entails. And until he does I seriously doubt the marriage can ever be good for either of them, but especially his poor wife. I haven't seen any evidence to suggest he truly loves his wife and I don't believe he is likely to ever be happy with her. He comes across so incredibly arrogant and self-righteous, blaming so much on his wife and barely anything on his own misdemeanours. Who'd want him?

 

I'm pleased he's shared his story though because all of us have been able to see how cautious we should be in these situations and remind ourselves of the possible repercussions.

 

I've read several posts from OW saying his OW has a right to closure, apology, some kind of explanation. Well I'm hesitant to say this but I disagree, OW do not have a 'right' to that privelege. They deserve one, certainly, but have no right to expect one.

 

I've said in the past on this forum one or two things OW should consider before getting involved with MM, things they are quite likely going to experience as a result of their affairs, things that won't definitely happen but should be recognised as a possibility.

 

One of those is being dumped, unexpectedly and unceremoniously by MM when their W finds out.

 

Another is never having closure or apology, respect or honesty

 

Another is facing the repercussions of an angry wife, however that may be, and accepting that the turmoil and trauma inflicted on the W and kids is directly as a result of their affair with your MM.

 

One more is recognising how widespread and serious the damage can be on both his and their families and even careers.

 

Lastly there is a strong possibility that your heart will be broken by your MM. It's not a guarantee but it often happens to OW (and BWs) after affairs so don't delude yourself it can't happen to you.

 

I'm continually surprised by the skill of MM in charming and seducing OW and their Ws into loving them. Their credibility to deceive so many of us should serve as a warning to anyone who encounters them.

 

I send you all my best wishes and love and hope your own MM brings you the happiness, love and respect you certainly deserve. As H2T illustrates so perfectly, not all MM are worth the grief!!

 

Big hugs to you all

 

veronese

 

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Last Mohegan

Seems H2T's W and ex-OW would be far better off without him. Its very difficult to read the entire thread and not feel very badly for both the W and the OW. He is a one man tsunami. I'm surprised the Red Cross hasn't parked outside of what's left of his home.

 

(and please don't flame me~~I know, I know, the OW is at fault too~~I'm not implying she wasn't)

 

I wanted to mention that when I suggested OW take a look at the thread over in Infidelity, it was only because I thought it might show OW how unreliable and fickle some MM can be even when they appear not to be.

 

I wasn't recommending it with the objective of showing OW how MM end up with their wives, that's not what I intended at all.

 

I thought it would help OW understand how MM can say one thing, then do the exact opposite. I would never have guessed he'd have the slightest inclination to stay with his wife at the start of his thread. He fooled me as much as everyone else, including himself I suspect.

 

He treated his OW and W like crap and has been cruel and hurtful to them all. IMO his OW is lucky to escape from his clutches and although she's in pain and upset at the moment, I honestly think she's better off than she would be had she not had the courage to give him an ultimatum which forced his true character out into the open.

 

I also don't think his wife should give him another chance, going on what he has said on this site, but no doubt she will hear a completely different version of events and may be persuaded to try to work things out with him.

 

As a rule I am all for couples trying to save their marriages if there is any hope for recovery. But in H2T's case I honestly don't envisage this happening, mainly because he hasn't got a clue about what it entails. And until he does I seriously doubt the marriage can ever be good for either of them, but especially his poor wife. I haven't seen any evidence to suggest he truly loves his wife and I don't believe he is likely to ever be happy with her. He comes across so incredibly arrogant and self-righteous, blaming so much on his wife and barely anything on his own misdemeanours. Who'd want him?

 

I'm pleased he's shared his story though because all of us have been able to see how cautious we should be in these situations and remind ourselves of the possible repercussions.

 

I've read several posts from OW saying his OW has a right to closure, apology, some kind of explanation. Well I'm hesitant to say this but I disagree, OW do not have a 'right' to that privelege. They deserve one, certainly, but have no right to expect one.

 

I've said in the past on this forum one or two things OW should consider before getting involved with MM, things they are quite likely going to experience as a result of their affairs, things that won't definitely happen but should be recognised as a possibility.

 

One of those is being dumped, unexpectedly and unceremoniously by MM when their W finds out.

 

Another is never having closure or apology, respect or honesty

 

Another is facing the repercussions of an angry wife, however that may be, and accepting that the turmoil and trauma inflicted on the W and kids is directly as a result of their affair with your MM.

 

One more is recognising how widespread and serious the damage can be on both his and their families and even careers.

 

Lastly there is a strong possibility that your heart will be broken by your MM. It's not a guarantee but it often happens to OW (and BWs) after affairs so don't delude yourself it can't happen to you.

 

I'm continually surprised by the skill of MM in charming and seducing OW and their Ws into loving them. Their credibility to deceive so many of us should serve as a warning to anyone who encounters them.

 

I send you all my best wishes and love and hope your own MM brings you the happiness, love and respect you certainly deserve. As H2T illustrates so perfectly, not all MM are worth the grief!!

 

Big hugs to you all

 

veronese

 

He

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lovernotafighter

believe me veronese I know about my MM. he only responses to no contact with me and has stated he isn't leaving his wife..

 

then he'll tell me he will leave in 2 months and is love with me..he does this crap so often that I am actually sick of his mouth.

 

he is the same guy who posted that thread in every sense of the word..if I outed him he'd hate me..if I do what he wants he can't live with out me..it's annoying on so many levels.

 

I just gave mine the closure and that's that as far as I'm concerned..I'm done till he's divorced which is never. that's fine.

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whichwayisup

LNF, don't you see he's doing that to keep you interested. He isn't going to give up his wife or you because all his needs are being taken care of.

 

I hope one day you don't care if he hates you or needs you. Maybe one day you'll be so indifferent and none of what he tries to do or say to manipulate you back into staying with him will make a difference to you.

 

Are you incontact at all with him? See him etc.

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I made a pros & cons list for telling the wife. One of the pros was because i was so sick of me trying to end our relationship and him slithering his way back. I knew if I told her he would hate me and that would be the end of it all -no going back and I was ready for that.

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SadandConfusedWA

Honestly the guy in that thread makes me sick. It's obvious that he is not in love with either of these women. He started thread by saying how he doesn't love the W and would only maybe consider staying with her till kids are out of the picture (implying this would be a complete torture). And now he is deeply in love with her? Please. I really wish that W doesn't take him back, but she probably will. I can see this guy having his third and fourth and 100th affair...

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lovernotafighter
LNF, don't you see he's doing that to keep you interested. He isn't going to give up his wife or you because all his needs are being taken care of.

I hope one day you don't care if he hates you or needs you. Maybe one day you'll be so indifferent and none of what he tries to do or say to manipulate you back into staying with him will make a difference to you.

Are you incontact at all with him? See him etc.

 

WWIU oh yes I know it, my MM only cares about MM. does he love me? sure, but on his terms only.

 

it's not good enough..and yesterday I told him to please work on his marriage and leave me alone till he decides what the hell he really wants from life and he down right refused.

 

sadly he just became my boss this past Monday :-(

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Honestly the guy in that thread makes me sick. It's obvious that he is not in love with either of these women. He started thread by saying how he doesn't love the W and would only maybe consider staying with her till kids are out of the picture (implying this would be a complete torture). And now he is deeply in love with her? Please. I really wish that W doesn't take him back, but she probably will. I can see this guy having his third and fourth and 100th affair...

Know why this thread is great? All the cards are on the table. Theres no wonerdering what he's telling the OW or W. And the facinating part is as the reader, people are still picking what they want to hear and dismissing comments that go against that.

 

You cant change your heart that fast. But it seems to me he is very convincing and BW's are quick to coddle him in their bosoms' and dismiss his actions and words as a moment of confusion or change of mind. Strip away his 'nice guy' demenor and his MO is the same as other mm.

 

What I can't get my head wrapped around is the fact that him and his wife sat down and discussed how unhappy they both were and agreed an amicable divorce would be best. How does a discovery of an affair cancel that? It doesn't make sense to me. If she is the mean/angry women as he portrayes, then I see the divorce taking place but not so amicable. Not her going online looking for mc websites and him begging for his marriage back. If she was so devestated about him asking for divorce why didn't she put up a fight during that discussion. Why not the next day look for mc websites? why only when the ow came along did she want to consider reconsiliation? FISHY

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whichwayisup
WWIU oh yes I know it, my MM only cares about MM. does he love me? sure, but on his terms only.

 

it's not good enough..and yesterday I told him to please work on his marriage and leave me alone till he decides what the hell he really wants from life and he down right refused.

 

sadly he just became my boss this past Monday :-(

 

Yeah, that really sucks. Which means you're going to have to work twice as hard to get through this, seeing as he's your boss. I hope he respects you as an employee and doesn't use his position to bully you or use what happened against you.

 

Is it possible for you to find another job? I guess I don't know how someone gets on with their life in a situation like yours...It's TOO much! :(

 

He may love you deeply, but as you said, it's on HIS terms. That's selfish love, not giving and growing long term love.

 

Don't wait for him. Let your healing start and close off your heart to him.

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SadandConfusedWA

Yes very fishy, I just can't beleive the amount of support he is getting in that thread. I had to restrain myself against posting something really nasty there.

 

I beleive that his W doesn't love him either and judging by what he described, their marriage was long over. Perhaps she gets off on some sort of competition and him choosing her over OW. But if that's a case it's no basis for any long term happiness.

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So you see it too?! I'm surprised no one else picked up on that.

 

I say it will be another marriage of convienence where they will continue to live a functionally dysfunctional marriage. He will soon be looking for ow (if he doesnt go back to the same one). My only suggestion to him is next time just look for one night stands...don't go feeding your women a bunch of lies & false hopes. That will eliminate incidents like this one.

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Fluffyllama

I agree- my mm's wife did the same thing- didn't care, until she very subtly caught on that "something" was amiss. Then she's all for saving the marriage? Yeah.....no. Sorry, real change has to come from within, not pushed by outside circumstances.

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