I "left" to be with the OW but i can't reconcile with her?

[sirjay]

I was seeing my girl for 3 years. I guess it was kind of an affair; I was living with my ex as a friend. The relationship was platonic, I was broke and trying to get my business off the ground. no kids or anything. I couldn't afford to move to my girl's city, which is one of the most expensive to live in in Europe. I got really depressed. i just put off moving until it was too late.

 

I always told her the truth about the situation, I gave massively to her, was always there when she needed me. i love her to bits. We are soul mates in so many ways. she told me i was 1 in a million and she knew she would never meet anyone else like me.

 

She understandably never quite believed me and got more and more hurt. In the end, she broke up with me 5 months ago but wanted to be "best friends". We both found out on losing each other that we loved each other hugely.

 

I took time out and learnt my lession. I moved out of the ex's place, to her city, really got my life together. Did everything she wanted. Told her I felt we were soul mates and that i would die for her. I really tried hard to show her how much she meant to me, tried to work through it, but she just kept blowing hot and cold and trying to manipulate me and hurt me. In the end, i called NC. I just couldn't deal with it anymore.

 

After 6 weeks, she got back in touch. We started communicating again gradually. Then she saw how much I had changed, how positive i was and what a good time i was having via my website newsletter. maybe got a bit jealous.

 

The next day, we were brought together by fate (this seems to happen a lot with us) had a really lovely evening together and were both surprised how relaxed and pleasant everything was. We held hands at the end and hugged and she told me she wanted me to be around in august so we could hang out a lot and go to the park etc. we were both a bit cautious but it felt really cool. i have been really careful to let her control the pace and have put no pressure on it at all. i havent mentioned anything more than being friends.

 

then she started contacting me a couple of times a day. she also pestered me for guest list to this big event i was working at, saying she wanted to hang out with me there. i got her a ticket and she went back to what she was doing before and used it to hurt me: she made a point of going off with her friends instead and then made a big show of getting this guy's number in front of me deliberately to wind me up. It was 100% clear that these were attacks, but she was trying to make out that this was normal "friend" behaviour (previously, she had told me to "call her in the week when she was bored and didnt have anything better to do". at which point i cut her off. then she kept calling and when i eventually spoke to her, she said that was how she would treat any friend which is clearly bull). we had a big fight about it and it was supposed to be sorted out.

 

So the last time i saw her was a few days later and she was pretending to be nice but there was an atmosphere and i haven't spoken to for 5 days.

 

i want us to work things out, even if just to be friends. i hate having this in the air.

 

the big problems we had is that she is really bad at expressing her feelings. she hasn't forgiven me for hurting her at all, i think, but rather than be angry at me directly, she keeps making these spiteful attacks at me under cover of "friendship". i can feel very clearly all of this strong emotion under the veneer of superficial friendship: love, hate, hurt anger etc

 

if i try to talk about any of that, she literally just refuses to respond at all.

 

Its hard for me to relate to how she is feeling. i have tried to show her via my actions that she had no reason to feel hurt and that i am still trying to make amends but she persists in playing these games.

 

i am interested in perspectives on what is going on in her head and what her intentions are. how should i handle this? is she literally so bitter and hateful about it that she cant stand to see me happy on my own and is using my kindness to get closer to hurt me? she seems to keep pulling me in so she can then reject me again. she was really kind and supportive after we had the fight at the event but then was standoffish when i last saw her.

 

it feels more like mixed feelings: she loves me but then the resentment boils up. i want her to open up and talk to me about it. at the event, she did put her hand in my face and start with "dont you dare..." but then she literally ran away.

 

i wonder if i should just let her keep punishing me until she feels satiated and decides to forgive me but then i am concerned that that would be seen as weakness and the basis for an abusive relationship.

 

how can i get her to open up? i love her and even if we don't ever speak again, i think we both need closure.

 

please help!

[Joelle]

Sirjay, do you want to salvage a relationship with her? Truthfully, I don't think that's a good idea. She seems sadistic to me. Also, she seems like the type of person who will use your past against you - to punish and abuse you. You can't change your past - there's nothing you can do, but I don't think she sees it that way. She may keep punishing you to deal with her resentment. This brings me to another point. She doesn't seem to have good coping skills with her resentment. Her way to deal with it is abusing you, which is destructive. Right now, you're her punching bag.

 

If I were you, I would walk away.

 

Just my thoughts.

[newbby]

dont want to be harsh, but this is her closure. all you are going to do is lose her respect. you wont get closure from her, you have already tried.

[sirjay]

thanks for replying.

 

i cant see how someone can be angry forever. we haven't really managed to be in touch without fighting for long enough to even find out if we can resolve things. there is a need to lash out there but there is also a lot of positive feeling. i dont see why someone would get back in touch just to hurt someone, especially when it inevitably ends up hurting them too.

 

you might be right though. its hard to work out anything when you aren't talking honestly.