crazy4taz Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 How appropriate the name of this web-site...B-52's song....actually sung (karoke) with his W (GF at the time), while EA going on. Don't want to bore everyone with details of EA but it's been quite a long run....just about 7 years and so wrapped up in him and what might have been. Want to move on but I am bound to him and it's quite embarassing. I read some threads regarding lack of guilt on the man's part but I don't feel guilty either. My EA gives me so much more than my H ever did, emotionally. I do for my H and my four kids and all I have that keeps me steady is my EA !!! Anyone in the same predicament as me ?? Link to post Share on other sites
mess4u Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 I'm sorry I dont know what EA means? I'm new to this sight and I'm just not familar with all the abbreviations Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 Yes, please give us the bohring details so that some of us here may be able to understand and help with your situation/questions you may have. You may find that this site is very helpful for you to sort out your thoughts and priorities, if you are willing to be open minded. Link to post Share on other sites
alfagrl Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 EA=emotional affair PA= physical affair (sex) W=wife H=husband SO=signifant other D=divorce thats all I can think of right now. Welcome Mess4u Link to post Share on other sites
Author crazy4taz Posted July 7, 2006 Author Share Posted July 7, 2006 Boring details... Was driving along trying to get my 2 yr old to sleep and was thinking about an old boyfriend from high school, just knew something was going to happen that day.... Went home signed onto my aol acct and up pops an IM...okay...who is this, and he says, is this so and so from such and such street and I reply yes...and he tells me who is his and I am shocked since I haven't spoken or seen him since Prom night 18yrs before. (wasn't the boyfriend I was thinking about though) Conversation went on for hours, then days, then weeks, months, years...till now...of course not as frequent because we had some issues with my husband finding out and wanting to kill him, etc. I had to choose between my family and him and I chose my family. So here I sit wondering if I made the right decision. Wondering if there could of been a deeper happiness with him. Any how it doesn't matter because my kids come first and I guess my husband's happiness does as well. Deep in my heart I know one day I will be with him....when is the question..that is just the tip of the iceberg with this story but like I said it's been a long road. Thanks for asking any input is appreciated !!! Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 ...and I guess my husband's happiness does as well. If you can only guess about where your husband's happiness rates you'd be doing him a kindness to let him go. Then you're free to pursue your "dream." One thing I learned long ago was that if you have no expectations you can never be disappointed. You may be well on the road to learning that the hard way. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 I agree with Curmugeon... you cannot live your life for your H's happiness... and your children may well be happier for you if you were with someone else... how old are they..? What is your M like..? Children pick up on an awful lot which parents don't realise... Link to post Share on other sites
Author crazy4taz Posted July 7, 2006 Author Share Posted July 7, 2006 I stay mostly to keep the kids as normal as possible...no divorce...my parents divorced and my Mother raised four of us on her own...guess how many kids I have...yup...4...I can't let history repeat itself and besides that I know what I have with my H...we've known each other since we're 15...we're now 40. I have three beautiful daughters 17,14,12 and a son 9. I cannot risk following a "dream" for their safety. I don't believe my EA would hurt them in any way, he is a good man but I know their father, he is a good man. I don't have it bad in this marriage at all and I love my husband for all he has done and how much he loves me and the children. I cannot hurt him !!! Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 I don't have it bad in this marriage at all and I love my husband for all he has done and how much he loves me and the children. I cannot hurt him !!! You ARE hurting him. You are hurting him everyday that you communicate with words and thoughts of love to another man. You are hurting him that you want to be with a man who is not him. You are hurting him by keeping parts of yourself from him and for another. You are hurting him by giving him less than all of yourself, and your marriage less than what it needs to be healthy. You are hurting him by pretending to be happy, but really wanting to be with someone else. You are hurting him by choosing to be with him not because of love for him, but rather because of your children. Your husband deserves a whole person who is wholly committed to him and to a relationship with him. You are giving him less than that. You need to make up your mind. If you choose to be with your husband, then cleanly break off the EA. Get your a$$ into some therapy, first alone and then with your husband to figure out what is missing in your marriage so that you feel you have needed a long-term relationship with another man, and lacking in yourself so that you have felt that it is OK to be lying to your husband for so many years. Also, you mentioned that this relationship has been online. Have you met with him, seen him at all during this time? I ask because my H had an online EA. When he saw her everything changed and he realized that the woman who was actually standing in front of him had nothing to do with who/what he had conjured in his mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crazy4taz Posted July 7, 2006 Author Share Posted July 7, 2006 Thank you for your honesty....I'm sorry your husband had an EA....are you still together ?? My H knows I love him and he also knows that I'm not in love with him. I told him. He is not completely innocent here but that's another story. In fact he is the one who broke my love for him...I tried to repair it and get back the love I had but the hurt was way too deep and this is all way before the EA started. As far as conjuring...we never met, talked about it but it just never came to pass. We were in the same town and I ran into him a couple of times...there is definately something there...very scary. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 Thank you for your honesty....I'm sorry your husband had an EA....are you still together ?? Yes, we worked out our problems together, and are thankfully both very happy and very much in love with each other. My H knows I love him and he also knows that I'm not in love with him. I told him. He is not completely innocent here but that's another story. In fact he is the one who broke my love for him...I tried to repair it and get back the love I had but the hurt was way too deep and this is all way before the EA started. No one is ever completely innocent. I wasn't either. It takes two committed people to make any marriage work, but it takes two people fully and overwhelming committed to repair the cracks in a troubled marriage. If you tried to repair the marriage on your own without full and unceasing support from him, you were doomed to fail. Have you tried marriage counselling? Also, there are a lot of books out on working through marital problems. I've never read any of them, to be totally honest, but I see them mentioned a lot on these boards, as well as marriagebuilders.com It sounds like you've decided to stay married. If that is the case, then don't just "stay" married, BE married. Be in love with your husband, as that is not just what he deserves, but what you deserve as well. If you are having constant contact with someone else, you are not giving your marriage even half of your all, and that just isn't fair to anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Becoming Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 I agree with silktricks 100%, but not all marriages are alike. Some are more like business arrangements rather than emotionally intimate. If you have the business arrangement kind with your H, then what's the problem you want input on? Did you want emotional intimacy that you couldn't get because of your H's past behavior/refusal to move there with you, etc.? So you're wanting us to say, "Sure, you can have an EA. You deserve it." ?? ?? Link to post Share on other sites
mess4u Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 Thanks for cluing me in with the abbrevations-very kind to take the time. Who doesnt at some time wonder if the grass could be greener on the other side but, is it truely going to be worth finding out in the first place. Everyday this goes on you are being unfair to your whole family not just your husband. Even your self. Its kind of like your cheating without the sex. atleast thats how I would see it if it was me.I also think I could forgive. I think your husband already does if he gave you the chance to brake it off in the first place.some people would not .Sounds like your husband wants to save your marriage.Thats a good thing. I think you should try to make a decision on who your going to give your whole heart too. No matter how hard that may be. I had alot of this type of stuff growing up with my parents. The both did it to eachotherr several times through out the marriage. They have been divorced now for 3 years and my dad still plays my Mom and another women. And she lets him for some stupid reason. What I really want to say is No matter what they did to eachother I was always in the middle of it and still am, some way or another . I also still love them the same and wish them true happieness. It may take some kids a while to wish that depending on there child hood. But you sound like a careing mother to be worried about their feelings. I always appreciated hearing the truth from my mom even if it hurt me. It made us closer knowing we could trust in eachother. Link to post Share on other sites
Eric23 Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 I know exactly what you are talking about. I had an EA with my old college girlfriend for years after I got married. She is married with two kids, and I have three. We wrote each other, talked on the phone and, when the internet came along, began e-mailing and IMing on a regular, but not a daily, basis. In my mind, if and when something happened to our respective marriages, I would have wanted to be with her. But I never considered leaving my wife for her. There was no point to that--as she was married. But if she had gotten divorced, I don't know what I would have done. I do agree, however, that the EA resulted in a diminished marriage. In some other ways, it prolonged the marriage, too. If I was getting some of that emotional support from elsewhere, its absence from my W was less painful. That being said, when I ultimately moved on to a PA with someone else, it was time for the marriage to end. That is in the process of happening now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crazy4taz Posted July 8, 2006 Author Share Posted July 8, 2006 Thanks for cluing me in with the abbrevations-very kind to take the time. Who doesnt at some time wonder if the grass could be greener on the other side but, is it truely going to be worth finding out in the first place. {That is what I thought of six years ago...it probably isn't greener just burnt....LOL} Everyday this goes on you are being unfair to your whole family not just your husband. Even your self. Its kind of like your cheating without the sex. atleast thats how I would see it if it was me.I also think I could forgive. I think your husband already does if he gave you the chance to brake it off in the first place.some people would not .Sounds like your husband wants to save your marriage.Thats a good thing. {Absolutely, if it weren't for him our marriage would be over. I have gone months not contacting my EA and it's difficult...I keep busy and try and stay away from the computer but something happens and we get in touch} I think you should try to make a decision on who your going to give your whole heart too. No matter how hard that may be. {My heart is torn between two men and could never give my whole heart to either...they are both so different from each other, I wish I could combine them to have them both} I had alot of this type of stuff growing up with my parents. The both did it to eachotherr several times through out the marriage. They have been divorced now for 3 years and my dad still plays my Mom and another women. And she lets him for some stupid reason. What I really want to say is No matter what they did to eachother I was always in the middle of it and still am, some way or another . I also still love them the same and wish them true happieness. It may take some kids a while to wish that depending on there child hood. But you sound like a careing mother to be worried about their feelings. I always appreciated hearing the truth from my mom even if it hurt me. It made us closer knowing we could trust in eachother. {I am sorry for your turmoil growing up....I try not to bring my "moments" into the house...or I'll use an excuse, I'm getting my period, just down today no reason, etc. I am for the most part a cheerful person....always trying to keep everyone else happy...so I've learned to hide it very well. I cry when I watch sad movies..I don't treat my husband badly or make him feel unworthy...we still have sex and sleep together and I try to be affectionate with him...I am trying to make it work with him but in my head my EA is always there as well. Crazy I know but I've been doing it a longggg time !!!- Thank you !!!} Link to post Share on other sites
Author crazy4taz Posted July 8, 2006 Author Share Posted July 8, 2006 I know exactly what you are talking about. I had an EA with my old college girlfriend for years after I got married. She is married with two kids, and I have three. We wrote each other, talked on the phone and, when the internet came along, began e-mailing and IMing on a regular, but not a daily, basis. In my mind, if and when something happened to our respective marriages, I would have wanted to be with her. But I never considered leaving my wife for her. There was no point to that--as she was married. But if she had gotten divorced, I don't know what I would have done. I do agree, however, that the EA resulted in a diminished marriage. In some other ways, it prolonged the marriage, too. If I was getting some of that emotional support from elsewhere, its absence from my W was less painful. That being said, when I ultimately moved on to a PA with someone else, it was time for the marriage to end. That is in the process of happening now. {I feel all relationships are difficult...everyone is so different from each other and it's so hard to always connect with your spouse. I've been with my H since I'm 18...I'm 40 now. I've changed since I'm 18.....thankfully. My H hasn't...we don't have really anything in common anymore except we know each other inside and out and accept each other as such} Link to post Share on other sites
Author crazy4taz Posted July 8, 2006 Author Share Posted July 8, 2006 I agree with silktricks 100%, but not all marriages are alike. Some are more like business arrangements rather than emotionally intimate. If you have the business arrangement kind with your H, then what's the problem you want input on? Did you want emotional intimacy that you couldn't get because of your H's past behavior/refusal to move there with you, etc.? So you're wanting us to say, "Sure, you can have an EA. You deserve it." ?? ?? {Absolutely not, I am not looking for permission from anyone...just some advice from someone who has been in a similar situation. I am not looking to hurt anyone...especially my family. } Link to post Share on other sites
target-d Posted July 8, 2006 Share Posted July 8, 2006 The advice is - do one or the other, but not both. If you are choosing to stay maarried, then break off the EA and really workk on your marriage. No real relationship can compete with a myth, and that's what an EA really is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crazy4taz Posted July 9, 2006 Author Share Posted July 9, 2006 I've been doing it for 7years...on and off...my EA is always, always there for me....he is my friend since high school....we stepped over the line for quite awhile but he recently married and is moving on with his life...(won't wait for me to decide anymore because he knows my kids come first)...I've moved my entire family five states away...which helps. I know it's not the right time for us, the universe tells me that. Do you know the feeling of just knowing....well that is the case with me. I just know when the time is right, it will be. I've also told him no more personal information...it's just basically...making each other laugh and being there. I guess what we share is something him and I can only understand...Do I sound nuts ?? Did you ever see Bridges of Madison County ?? Well I'm Meryl Streep (I wish)...LOL. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 9, 2006 Share Posted July 9, 2006 When he saw her everything changed and he realized that the woman who was actually standing in front of him had nothing to do with who/what he had conjured in his mind. Did he know her prior or was this his first time meeting her? Link to post Share on other sites
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted July 9, 2006 Share Posted July 9, 2006 Do you know the feeling of just knowing....well that is the case with me. I just know when the time is right, it will be. I've also told him no more personal information...it's just basically...making each other laugh and being there. I guess what we share is something him and I can only understand...Do I sound nuts ?? Did you ever see Bridges of Madison County ?? Well I'm Meryl Streep (I wish)...LOL. Hi! You sound just like me! I wonder whether I'm crazy sometimes, too. I have a good family, 3 kids, and a 'normal' husband. Like you, I have changed - matured and become actively passionate toward certain things - while my husband has stayed the same. He is still the adolescent boy sometimes, but what drives me crazy is the fact that he not learned anything about life or me in the past 10 years (that's how long we've been married.) And he's not going to change. He's a very simple guy, so to speak. I am in love with another man... and in my heart, I just know that one day, we'll end up together. It sound ridiculous, but I am convinced that we'd be together when the time is right. Is it any coincidence that I love that movie, too?? Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted July 9, 2006 Share Posted July 9, 2006 (in reply to StillAFool) He knew her before he had begun e-mailing her, as a casual aquaintance. It was during the e-mailing that his mind turned her into something/someone she wasn't. Then when he saw her again he began to realize that she really wasn't. He met her two more times, each time liking her less. Shortly after the 3rd meeting with her he told her it was over. He told me about it shortly before the 3rd meeting I purchased a gift for him to give her - I felt sorry for her at that point, and I was on the extension when he told her. My feeling sorry for her went away at that point, and I really regretted the gift. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crazy4taz Posted July 9, 2006 Author Share Posted July 9, 2006 (in reply to StillAFool) He knew her before he had begun e-mailing her, as a casual aquaintance. It was during the e-mailing that his mind turned her into something/someone she wasn't. Then when he saw her again he began to realize that she really wasn't. He met her two more times, each time liking her less. Shortly after the 3rd meeting with her he told her it was over. He told me about it shortly before the 3rd meeting I purchased a gift for him to give her - I felt sorry for her at that point, and I was on the extension when he told her. My feeling sorry for her went away at that point, and I really regretted the gift. What kind of gift did you get her ?? I'm confused as to why you did that Link to post Share on other sites
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted July 9, 2006 Share Posted July 9, 2006 He told me about it shortly before the 3rd meeting I purchased a gift for him to give her - I felt sorry for her at that point, and I was on the extension when he told her. My feeling sorry for her went away at that point, and I really regretted the gift. Aaarg! The things we do for our men!! Silktricks, you sound like a great wife. Your husband is very lucky indeed. Actually, I was like that too. I said "was" because I'm no longer like that. If he needs a gift or needs to apologize to someone, I don't get the gifts for him or write his apology letters any more. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted July 9, 2006 Share Posted July 9, 2006 I hear you. If I had that particular action to do again, I wouldn't do it either. I also feel that over the years I did take care of too many of the things he found difficult (such as hurt feelings) and so he didn't get the reality of actions and re-actions in the hurt feelings and painful dealings that he really needed to have, simply to grow up. What's nice now, though, is that he tells me all the time (and other people, too) what a wonderful wife I am. He's a wonderful husband, too. Link to post Share on other sites
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