ChrissyV Posted July 4, 2006 Share Posted July 4, 2006 Hello! I'm new here. I would like to ask you a question so that I can help one of my best friends. She has confided in me and asked for advice, but I am unsure of what to say. I can't really ask any of our other friends in real life because she hasn't told anyone else but me. She had an affair with a much older married man at her workplace. She is 25. He is 51. He started out by pretending to mentor her on the job and following her around all the time. He fed her a bunch of lies saying that he had no emotional bond with his wife, wanted a divorce, etc. He told my friend several times that he wanted to marry her and told her how much he loved her. Those were classic lines that all cheaters obviously use, but my friend can be naive girl. She is a very nice girl and a wonderful person but sort of misguided sometimes. Eventually they ended up in an affair where he totally used her. He took advantage of her when she was in a very vulnerable state- she had just recently graduated from school, was new on the job, was living on her own for the first time, didn't have much previous relationship experience and was barely scraping by on her meager salary because of her massive student loans and other bills. This guy pretended to be some sort of caring mentor to her. It was a law firm that they were both working at. He was a lawyer in the firm who had been there for 20 years so she initially thought his motives were sincere. But apparently his only motive was to get in her pants. Never once did he actually help her. He was full of crap and all he did was take advantage of her. To add insult to injury, he was also a complete tightwad. The nicest thing he ever did for her was buy her a 2 dollar ice cream cone. (I'm not kidding about that.) He probably spent a grand total of 8 dollars on her over the course of his affair with her. He would tell her over and over again how lucky she was that he had chosen her to be his trophy girlfriend. The nerve! (Instead of being thankful for every second that she paid attention to a scoundrel like him, he treated her like dirt and acted as if she should be honored to be with him!) He did absolutely nothing to help her with her career, nor did he ever help her with anything else. He strung her along with a bunch of lip service and endless lies. I begged her to break it off with that loser and she finally did 2 months ago. (And she also ended up quitting that job to go work somewhere else.) This guy really messed up a lot of things for her. In any event, the guy every so often still tries to call her like 15 times a day. It's totally ridiculous. He doesn't give up even though she never answers his calls. Now she feels that she should tell his wife. She drafted an anonymous letter to the wife along with email evidence from the guy (she crossed out her email address from the printouts so the wife won't be able to identify her). She also has a bunch of perverted voicemail from him that she saved and is planning on playing for the wife. She plans on mailing the packet of incriminating evidence to his wife's office and leaving the messages on the wife's private voicemail at her office. She doesn't feel that she should bear the cross alone for something like this. I think she should go ahead with her plan. I think my friend should speak the truth and let the wife know. I feel that there is no reason she should have to keep a secret for this disgusting guy when he has completely disrespected her as well as his own wife. But on the other hand, some wives are able to live in denial even in the face of irrefutable evidence that their husband is a cheating scum. So in that sense, the whole plan may be futile. But nonetheless, I think it's worth a shot and she should tell the wife, if for no other reason than to speak the truth and to send a message to that scummy man that he cannot get away with doing something like this to a young girl. I don't know if I'm right or not. What do you all think? Thank you for taking the time to read this. I appreciate your help! Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted July 4, 2006 Share Posted July 4, 2006 I would say not, at least not yet. If he continues to bother her I would inform him that it either stops completely or his wife will be told. It's very possible this is an age-old pattern with this person who may well be a serial adulterer whose wife is well aware of his behavior and tolerates it for her own reasons and/or is having her own affairs. Either way, dragging the wife into it unnecessarily will not mitigate the fact that your friend knowingly and willingly had an affair with a married man regardless of his promises, lies and deceits. Just because she was taken-in is no reason to bring the wife into it for revenge. That will just make her even smaller. Link to post Share on other sites
clandestinidad Posted July 4, 2006 Share Posted July 4, 2006 I dont think that this girl should get her revenge through this man's wife. Thats basically what the scenario would be. Her hoping that the man's wife would 'get him' and 'punish' him for what he's done....but I think its a very bad idea. The only thing it would accomplish is extreme pain for the wife (unless she doesnt love him and has her own affairs...then I doubt she'd be affected by the news) I dont think someone should make themselves feel better by hurting others, especially a clueless wife whose life would be ruined by you. She will find out eventually, if she doesnt already know. Everything is always discovered in some manner or another. No one can hide everything forever. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted July 4, 2006 Share Posted July 4, 2006 She would manage to hurt the man's wife dreadfully. And she has already done that enough. Besides, it sounds like the guy is doing a good enough job of that all by his lonesome, he really doesn't need any more help. Tell her to follow the sage advice that Curmudgeon gave someone else. The best revenge is living well. So, she should take care of herself, and learn from this painful lesson. Link to post Share on other sites
bunset Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 I'm gonna go with the crowd on this.. Only if the jerk will not leave her alone, she should first threaten him with it, then follow through, only if he's being a real problem. There is no good reason to get the W involved unless he's doing harm to the OW. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 5, 2006 Share Posted July 5, 2006 I don't think anyone is that naive to not know better than to get involved with a MM. Your friend was looking for something from him and did not get it so there's no need in involving wifey. BTW, she's probably already heard it before from someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
alfagrl Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 If you go to the infidelity room BS say they would want to know if their spouse was cheating. But for some reason OW/OM don't want to tell. It is up to the wife if they believe you or not. All you can do is give them the information. Tell the wife so he will not be prone to do this again or hurt anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 I'm going to vote for : TELL THE WIFE. The wife deserves to know. If their marriage is in trouble, they need to address it and stop pretending that everything is fine. If your friend has the strength to leave her job to start a new life, then she obviously wants to move on. However, he's not leaving her alone. The only way to stop him from bothering her will be to let his wife know. I'm sure any threat will go unheeded with this guy, too. So yes, tell your friend to send those things to the wife. She deserves to know, and he deserves to take responsibility for his crappy behavior! Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 If you go to the infidelity room BS say they would want to know if their spouse was cheating. But for some reason OW/OM don't want to tell. It is up to the wife if they believe you or not. All you can do is give them the information. Tell the wife so he will not be prone to do this again or hurt anyone. Want to know - yes, absolutely. Want the OW to be the one to tell me? - no, I think not. Link to post Share on other sites
alfagrl Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 Want to know - yes, absolutely. Want the OW to be the one to tell me? - no, I think not. I can understand not wanting to believe the person that has been involved with the H and how hurtful it would be to her it from the OW/OM. But if the news came from her (the horses mouth) or from someone you knew who saw them out and about, the truth remains the same. So for me, where the information came from is irrelavant, its the facts that needs to be addressed. Link to post Share on other sites
mess4u Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 Sorry to be so Blunt but, She should have never gotten involved with a married man in the first place. There are plenty of single men out there. If I was the married women being cheated on I would want to know but, I wouldnt take it as fare as voice mails. I like the idea of sending something simple in the mail. And if she wants to take it further thats her choice.She will find out one way or another if he is that persistent in the first place. I would be carefull with what I would tell him about it because he already sounds a little like a stocker and You dont want to find out if he has a side even worse than his Bad side if you know what I mean. People like that are not going to blame their selves for their problems!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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