Two-faced: one for me, one for her.

[samzoe]

I'm hoping someone on this forum can shed some objective light on a situation that has been bothering me for years. (Yes, years.)

 

I am 22, and the man in this situation is 30 - give or take a few years. We met 5 years ago in a community band. A few months after initially getting to know each other, we fell into a comfortable niche of flirting at any given opportunity. He would find excuses to poke me, make fun of me, and playfully hit me, to test my boundaries of "comfort". This used to happen openly in public, along with other flirty things such as holding my gaze and smiling at me when he had a solo performance gig.

 

Right now, he has found a girlfriend and been with her for some time, and they live together. However, we continue to hang out (why not?). But I notice an interesting trend on his end. When we are in private he will actively flirt with me, invite me out for coffee, suggest going to so&so together, etc. However, when he is around his girlfriend - and I happen to be there as well - he acts like I don't exist.

 

At a recent gig of ours, I spoke to him on our break. He smiled and shyly started mumbling something about coffee, while fishing for change in his pocket. It was obvious that he was about to offer to buy me a coffee, but was stumbling over his shyness.

 

Suddenly, out of nowhere, his girlfriend shows up by his side. He immediately stops looking for his change, acknowledges her arrival, doesn't say anything to me, and walks away. Since then I have emailed him and phoned him, and he responds to neither. But at practices, the flirting continues just as it always has and just as intensely.

 

Now can anyone help me understand this? I can't help but feel that he flirts with me in private because he has feelings for me. But around his girlfriend, he is scared of her finding out about these feelings, so he ignores me. Maybe this is also why he ignores my calls. Because of our age difference, he assumes things between him and I won't work out. So he continues to be with his girlfriend because she is "secure". He doesn't want to risk losing her for me, since he's uncertain of my feelings for him.

 

Or maybe he's just a player and a jerk. Any thoughts?