Regret and heartbreak

[Iwanttohope]

I have been involved with a MM for seven months. It ended abruptly 14 days ago. It was a very intense relationship, talked on the phone four hours a day, wrote letters constantly, worked together for a while, saw each other when we could--but more than anything we're best friends and have been for two years. Short version is that she found out and we parted for one week but could not stay apart. She discovered the letters he saved which outlined a life we planned together. They have three children together and I have one child. She threatened to harm my child if anything happened to break up her family. They are now separated and this is their third separation. Her threat to my child was a side of her he had never seen before and it scared us both to death. I do believe fully that this man loves me. He entered counseling and has been trying very hard to do the right thing moving forward by examining how he ended up here. This is the first time he has tried individual counseling to work on his own issues. He has usually just suffered through marriage counseling on demand. He told me that he has to be at peace with knowing he tried everything he could to keep his family together and that includes trying to work through his own issues to see if his marriage could be salvaged for the sake of keeping his family together. He said that if he doesn't make an effort then he will be a failure and that it would be completley unfair to ask me to wait on him and that he didn't want to hurt me anymore. Some of you may be thinking "yeah, right" but I can tell you this decision was very difficult for him and he could've just as easily kept me hanging on indefinitely. We have established NC and he has purposed to try again in his marriage even though its a shambles and they are still living apart. I've heard through friends that he's "just maintaining" but working very hard on himself through counseling. He has, however, stopped crying at work and has stopped calling our mutual friend about it. He spent many a phone call sobbing his heart out about us. This relationship has torn both of us up.

 

All that said--here's where I get stuck. I know this man loves/loved me. I have been a complete basketcase for 14 days. The crying seems unending but I do respect the fact that he isn't dragging me along just waiting to see what happens. When we were previously just friends his marriage was a mess and he went through one of the separations during that time--it lasted six months. He did not seek counseling that time and went back for his children. This separation is in its 5th week. Now be gentle when you respond....but, does his commitment to work on things have to mean that he loved me any less than he professed to? I have lost my best friend and that is what honestly hurts the most. I wish I could turn back time and keep my friend and give back the affair! Any thoughts? Please don't beat me up:confused:

[Walking away]

My xMM is doing the exact same thing as yours. Except mine is doing it while still living with his wife.

 

I respect his decision. It is a difficult decision to leave a marriage. I know. I have been there, done that....

 

Anyway, we are in complete NC. He does not need me in his life hindering his efforts, and I don't need him hindering my recovery.

 

You must walk away with dignity and let him give his marriage a chance. I know it is difficult. I know. I have been there and am doing that....

 

But, you must walk away. He made his choice. Now you must choose to save yourself from this mess.

 

If he loves you, he will find you. Without regrets. On his own.

 

Let him go...

 

Big hugs to you.

WA

[Iwanttohope]

How long have you had no contact and how do you stop hoping? I wrestle with reconciling how he can feel so strongly about me and yet have the determination to honor his committment. I guess that's just the fall out of getting involved with someone who isn't free. Tears just pour out of me constantly. I can't see moving past all this and I find myself embarrassed about being so undone by his leaving. He appears to be fine because I can't see what is going on in his heart and at times I assume that he's relieved to be rid of me instead of believing he is doing something very difficult. Its like a battle I fight every minute in my mind. I want him to feel the loss I feel. Do you feel your xMM feels loss? How do they work on a relationship that has been so bad for so long?

[movinon05]

No one is going to beat you up. If anyone shows up and gets nasty, we'll take care of them, so don't worry about that.

 

I'm very sorry you're going through this. I know what its like when the W makes threats. I was in the same boat.

 

As hard as it is, the best thing is for you to keep NC and let him work through what he has to work through. I know your pain, your heartache, your constant tears. You are not alone.

 

Please continue to post and stay with us. There's many here who are willing to talk with you and help you through, if that's what you need to stay strong.

 

(((Hugs)))

[hokitika1246]

but, does his commitment to work on things have to mean that he loved me any less than he professed to? I have lost my best friend and that is what honestly hurts the most. I wish I could turn back time and keep my friend and give back the affair! Any thoughts?

 

thoughts? always. even though people will say "he doesn't love you!! if he did, he wouldn't ______!" i bet most women on this forum would disagree with that statement for their own situation. the connection you had with this man, i'm sure it feels like he loves you and you love him...

 

and at the same time, the way you describe his need for counseling and working on himself, his capacity for love could be very diminished. it's possible that he loved oyu as much as he's capable of loving but really that's not very much. the rest is some form of self-preservation.

 

truly, the definition of a real love is wanting what's best for the other person outside of what's best for oneself. i've thought about this for my own situation-- if i loved the man i'm in my A with, truly, wouldn't i want him to work on his marriage and not go through the turmoil of divorce? wouldn't i want him to grow, and make decisions best for himself? is this REALLY about my love for myself and waht i want in my life? a book that gives a good discussion of this is "the road less traveled" by m. scott peck.

 

but i digress... i'm not implicating you or your MM. what i'm trying to do is answer your question about whether he loved you less than he said he did. i bet he loves you as much as he thinks he does. you know? but wrapped up in that is loving himself too, and not loving you enough to want you to have healthy relationships. that's not REALLY love. not as good as it could be anyway, or as every person deserves to feel.

 

maybe he recognizes this and that's why he's in counseling. yes, losing your best friend hurts. and you want him to grow and heal, yet you don't want to lose him in the process! what a dilemma.... is the question "how much do you love him?" do you love him enough to let him... grow?

 

i'm a softie in a lot of ways, and i think people on this board will disagree with me about how much slack to cut this guy. i believe that people do a LOT of dumb stuff because inside they're really hurting. that belief frees us up to act in our own best interests.

[Iwanttohope]

That's the problem...the best friend in me says he is absolutely doing the right thing to work on his marriage--that's the man I love--the one that wants to try. However, the lover in me longs to have him try with me. The bed I've made myself is more painful than I bargained for and now I don't know how to let go. The feeling of rejection is so overwhelming that I begin to question everything. How can I both want him to do the right thing but also want him to feel as heartbroken as I am? Is he able to just block me from his memory?

[Walking away]

Been in complete NC for 14 days today, just like you.

 

I HAD to get to the point of giving up hope. Even though I got mixed messages....I had to give up. It was killing me knowing he was actively working on his marriage even after his wife found out about me. Yes, your story is strikingly similiar to mine.

 

My xMM has religious constraints also...which I also respect.

 

Believe me, I cried a river for the past 8 months...ever since I met him and got involved with him. But, I had to pick up the pieces and go on.

 

I had no choice. It was a struggle, to be sure....

 

Many steps forward and many steps backwards. Many vows of NC, only to be broken by either he or I.

 

I don't know how I came to give up hope. I just did. I wish I knew how I did it. I would gladly share that secret with you.

 

I know how hard this is. I have walked in your shoes. Not too long ago, in fact. I pray that you find peace during this difficult time.

 

My thoughts are with you.

 

WA

[Iwanttohope]

WA,

 

Do you think you can maintain NC if he tries to contact you again? I don't know that I could--who am I kidding--I'd talk to him if he called and the problem is that he knows that. My xMM is also dealing with religious constraints and she constantly reminds him that he will be a failure if he gives up. Our friendship grew into a situation where we could pray together--I know how sick that sounds given the situation but it happened and it was yet another way we felt connected. He has never wanted to have that kind of relationship with her and he carries around a ton of guilt for that. I have never been married so I don't know but, can marriages just go on like that forever? Can people just suffer in silence for years and years?

[Walking away]

We, too, prayed together. I am a born again Christian as is he.

 

And, yes, if the religious convictions are strong enough, one can be selfless and sacrifice one's own happiness for God. My xMM is doing just that.

 

So, God wins. And, as a Christian, that is the right thing to happen. I lose. What could I do? Rage and rage? I did that. Cry and cry? Did that, too.

 

My xMM will not contact me for the same reasons your's will not contact you. He doesn't want to hurt me any longer and doesn't want me to sit around and wait for him. It would not be fair.

 

Does he want to be my friend? Yes. Does he still love me? Yes. Can I be his friend? No. It is not fair to his wife or to me. He must attempt at saving his marriage without me. And, if it fails, it fails. I will be nowhere around.

 

He told me that if we were to ever be together again, it would be the RIGHT way. I agree. But I am not holding my breath. I can't and I won't.

 

He said he would seek me out and find me if his situation ever changes as he will look for no other woman if he is not married.

 

I have but one life to live and I will not sit around and wait for some dream that will not ever happen.

 

You must take control of your life and believe that these things happen for a reason. You will grieve. Oh yes, you will grieve, but the sun will shine again. I promise.

 

It is for this reason that I despise these fairytale, whirlwind romance affairs. The devastation is incalculable.

 

You pain is palpable. I feel it. And I am so, so sorry.

 

We are all here for you in this dark part of your journey.

 

WA

[Guest]

Walking Away - your situation is so very similar to mine. My ex-MM had decided to try to work things out with his W after she found out. The pain, is at most times, unbearable. You give me hope in a time where I feel there is no hope. Thank you....

[Iwanttohope]

WA,

 

Have you gone through times where you've asked God why he allowed this in your life? I have wrestled so much with God about that. I know I made these choices and I've been a Christian for a long, long time. I knew exactly the potential for heartbreak and yet my God given desire for relationship with a man is so strong that it was somehow worth it to me to walk in my flesh to get it. So much of my relationship with my xMM was built on good things--thinking, talking and looking toward God. But I have to keep asking myself why a loving God would take someone else's husband away and bless their union with me...obviously He wouldn't. My heart longs for a husband for me and a father for my daughter.

 

My other intense struggle is support. Being the OW, especially the OW who is also a believer is such a contradiction that a lot of my pain has to be in secret. I can't talk to many people about what I'm going through becasue the condemnation is there. I don't blame them because I know its hard to understand how I let this happen. I do have some people I can talk to and I am in counseling. Most of the people I know, people at church or other mom's at my daughter's school, think I'm simply losing my mind. They want to help when they see me start weeping but I can't tell them why. I just tell them I'm going through some "stuff".

 

I believe part of God's mercy on me was leading me to you WA. I know I need help in this journey and I would love to be able to encourage you somehow as well along with all the others on this site.

[Walking away]

My xMM and I asked each other this question often: "Why would a loving God allow us to meet knowing that our relationship is not in His will?" My xMM always believed that his meeting me was to see what true agape love was. He found it with me. I believed that Satan led us together to tempt us...and to make us fall. He always vehemently disagreed.

 

My xMM's regret is that he allowed himself to fall into this situation. He does not regret the love, but does regret the sin. How does one fight this? I AGREE with him, and fought him tooth and nail in this affair from the moment I knew he was married.

 

This affair has torn us both the shreds, as it has his wife. She, too, is a believer and is absolutely devastated. She is clinging to the bible's teachings on marriage and is holding tight to my xMM.

 

My xMM is an elder in his church and is quite influential in his community. Although hypocritical, he is strong in his faith in God, inspite of his actions with me.

 

I have ONE friend here that I work with who is also a believer and knows my situation. He said that he sat back sadly and watched this relationship unfold...knowing that it was not God's will that I be with this man. When I told him of the developments with the wife, he shook his head and told me that he loves me as a sister and that he prays that I do what God would want me to do....Let him go so he can save his marriage.

 

So I have. I was very, very angry with God for this...even though it was not His fault. But, I raged and raged against God.

 

Have you ever seen the movie The Thornbirds? My xMM and I are the living, breathing Thornbirds. And I hated it.

 

If this man were not a Christian, I have no doubt that he would be here with me right now. But, the very thing that I respect about him....his faith, is the very thing he would have to compromise to be with me.

 

This is why I have no hope....Do I really want him to give up his faith to be with me?

[Iwanttohope]

Wow! I am stunned at how our stories are so similar. Did your self worth take a nose dive when he went back? I can know in my heart that he is not best for me but I also hear those little voices telling me "if you were pretty enough", "if you were fun enough", "if you were as good in bed as her", "if he loved you more than her".... I know that's the enemy trying to drag me through more hell but it has really knocked my self esteem in the dirt.

 

The other thing that was so painful is that when his wife who is also a believer found the letters, she called me. She very calmly called to tell me that she thinks I'm a whore and that I'm not the first and won't be the last but that she knew for sure I was nothing but a slut that would be continually kicked to the curb. The call was devestating. I'm so not a whore and our relationship was so not based on sex. Yes the sex was amazing and connected us on an even deeper level, but the most intense part of our relationship was our connection emotionally and spiritually--the physical connection was just the icing--amazing icing, but icing all the same.

 

Its as if I've allowed his attempt to salvage his marriage confirm the words she said to me even though I know they're not true. Its like she has won in trying to prove I'm nothing.

 

Just curious, but did your xMM battle with any addictions?

[Walking away]

No, my self worth and self esteem remained intact.

 

I know that I am special and wonderful. I didn't need my xMM leaving his marriage to validate it. His wife and I are quite different. And, sadly, since she has knowledge of me, she has attempted to mold herself into the image of me. What a pitiful expression of her self esteem. For she will NEVER be me, nor should she try. I am sure she is wonderful in her own ways, but now she has found a competitor....a younger, attractive competitor.

 

She has had a problem with drinking, but my xMM has not battled with addictions himself. However, I realize there is a dynamic of codependency when one spouse battles with alcohol.

[movinon05]

The other thing that was so painful is that when his wife who is also a believer found the letters, she called me. She very calmly called to tell me that she thinks I'm a whore and that I'm not the first and won't be the last but that she knew for sure I was nothing but a slut that would be continually kicked to the curb. The call was devestating.

 

Whatever you do, please do not let her words get to you. I had to deal with the same thing, whore, bitch, slut, you name it. nasty phone calls. Her words never bothered me, nor did I let her think they bothered me because I knew they were not true. And you have to believe that in yourself as well. They do not know of the R between you and their H. They need to believe it was just sex and husband stealing in order to deal with it, I guess for their own sanity. it would be too painful to have to deal with the fact that their H may have an emotional connection or God forbid, be in love with another woman. Its a denial on their part. You shouldn't expect that they are going to think you are wonderful. They will take it out on you and then try to discuss it with their H to find out what he is really feeling. Most times, he won't admit it. So that makes you look like the whore! Do you see what I'm getting at?

 

You should also stop trying to compare yourself. There are more dynamics in a M to have to deal with than just "who do i love better" or "who is prettier". There are reasons good and wonderful why he fell for you. Believe in those and believe in yourself.

[Iwanttohope]

Girl--I'm gonna start thinking like you do! She had to say such horrible things to me because that's all she's got. He fell in love with me for very valid reasons and was constantly amazed that I would choose him. She, in her heart, knows this or she wouldn't have to behave with such a lack of class. I took her insults at the time out of respect for her.

 

I was without question good for him and most definitely a step up. She can't take any of that away and she cannot remove what we shared. Its there forever and no amount of slander can make it go away. I have to believe, that try as he might, he will not be able to completely erase how loved he felt by me and the parts of our relationship that have changed his life forever in good ways.

 

I am far too valuable to be hidden and the mess they are now faced with is every bit as much his fault as mine. I continually carry the blame for all of it but he is every bit as much to blame whether she admits that to herself or not.

 

My self talk must improve if I'm going to get through this.

 

Do you still cry after 14--well, no today is 15 days?

[Walking away]

I agree with Movinon.

 

Don't let what his wife said to you make you question yourself. OF COURSE she is going to call you names. She is deeply hurt and needs to lash out at someone. And, you are the one who gets the tongue lashing.

 

Believe in yourself. You are wonderful. IN SPITE of the mistakes you made, you are still wonderful and worthy of love.

 

Believe it.

[Walking away]

No, for me, the crying has stopped.

[Iwanttohope]

Thank you MO... being so easily disgarded has absolutely devastated me. My assumption is that his determination to mend his marriage automatically means that having NC with me is a breeze. It seems, from where I stand, to never back up on him and I have to bite my lip in public to keep from crying until I get to the car!

 

Can people (well, can men actually) compartmentalize to the point of blocking something completely out? Or is that where the liquor helps?

[zarathustra]

How long have you had no contact and how do you stop hoping? I wrestle with reconciling how he can feel so strongly about me and yet have the determination to honor his committment. I guess that's just the fall out of getting involved with someone who isn't free. Tears just pour out of me constantly. I can't see moving past all this and I find myself embarrassed about being so undone by his leaving. He appears to be fine because I can't see what is going on in his heart and at times I assume that he's relieved to be rid of me instead of believing he is doing something very difficult. Its like a battle I fight every minute in my mind. I want him to feel the loss I feel. Do you feel your xMM feels loss? How do they work on a relationship that has been so bad for so long?

IW2H, I'm sorry for what you are going through. I've been there. I'm still there sometimes (the tears pouring and you can't turn it off bit).

 

Giving up hope that he will come back to you requires you a lot of work on your end. Its not something that you can really choose given where you are at right now. Let yourself mourn the loss of the relationship. Cry, feel, do whatever you need to do and when you are ready, you'll feel it. I've found sharing my feelings here has helped a lot.

 

Many hugs to you. We're here if you need us.

[Walking away]

I don't think that it easy for some men to compartmentalize. For some men...yes. But for others, it is not that easy.

 

If the feelings are REAL, they are difficult to eradicate. Read other posts in the Coping and Breaking up Forums. True love is hard to kill.

 

For men AND women.

[rossm]

Can people (well, can men actually) compartmentalize to the point of blocking something completely out? Or is that where the liquor helps?

 

I don't think that it easy for some men to compartmentalize. For some men...yes. But for others, it is not that easy.

 

If the feelings are REAL, they are difficult to eradicate. Read other posts in the Coping and Breaking up Forums. True love is hard to kill.

 

For men AND women.

 

I've been doing a lot of reading on this, and WA hit it right on the head. If the emotional attachment is there, it is difficult to compartmentalize, for both men and women. Now, men in general tend to be less emotional than women. But I think, at least it happened this way for me, that once the emotional bond is established, it is SO difficult to set it aside.

 

And yes, liquor helps. But kind-of hard to do this while at work.

[aktieb0cka]

I don't think that it easy for some men to compartmentalize. For some men...yes. But for others, it is not that easy.

 

If the feelings are REAL, they are difficult to eradicate. Read other posts in the Coping and Breaking up Forums. True love is hard to kill.

 

For men AND women.

You know I was thinking that some of these wives must have it in the back of their heads...what if it is true love between her husband and the OW? There not only must be hurt, but jealously that she could not achieve that type of relationship with her husband. She might ask herself...was this relationship doomed from the beginning and was ultimately going to be a waste of time in her life.

I know if it was me, I would be pissed that I was stuck in a terrible marriage and that my true love was still out there and my husband found it will someone else. I think that it is funny that then they try to work the marriage out. There are exceptions to the rule, but many of them don't make it after that, for many different reasons.

[Walking away]

I have no doubt that what my xMM and I had was the honest to goodness real thing. But, we had the right love at the wrong time.

 

But, if we were meant to be, we would be. Simple as that. I believe that we were meant for each other. But, I apparently was wrong. At least at this time.

 

And, yes, I think it would be difficult for the BS to continue in a marriage where there is the nagging thought that the OW was the love of her husband's life.

 

My heart goes out to them, too. They, too, are terribly wounded by these affairs.

[aktieb0cka]

I have no doubt that what my xMM and I had was the honest to goodness real thing. But, we had the right love at the wrong time.

 

But, if we were meant to be, we would be. Simple as that. I believe that we were meant for each other. But, I apparently was wrong. At least at this time.

 

And, yes, I think it would be difficult for the BS to continue in a marriage where there is the nagging thought that the OW was the love of her husband's life.

 

My heart goes out to them, too. They, too, are terribly wounded by these affairs.

You are right about that. It is all about timing. I have always felt that. MM always said, why couldn't I meet you 8 years ago? I told him that if I would have met him 8 years ago, he would not have had a chance...lol I was eighteen and definately not looking for what I am looking for now. It took me 8 years to realize that.

It is crazy that you have the right love but at the wrong time...why does crap like that happen? I am sure there is a reason and a purpose, but really, who the hell wants to go through that.

I feel the same way as you, if it was meant to be then it will work out to be that way. Sometimes, it just isn't meant to be and that is what sucks about life sometimes.