How many actual OW?

[Sami_D]

I've just realised that of the three threads I've responded to this morning, two of them are from BW's trying to come to terms with what happened, and in the other one I was responding to a MM who seemed uncertain about his feelings (or what to do about them). This got me thinking about the population of the board, and I realised that most of the OW here are actually ex-OW or trying to be!

 

So, I thought I'd begin a thread asking about current OW, and where we are in the affair. Are you just on your way in? Up to your neck? About to end it? What is he telling you about his M? Is he happy? Is he unhappy? Do they have a sex life? Is he planning on leaving, now, sometime, or never? Is it mainly an EA, a PA? Where did you meet? Is it an age-gap relationship? Are you mainly happy, or unhappy with the arrangement? Have you had any D-days? Does his W know? How did she react?

 

I'll post a little about me in the next message.

[Sami_D]

My A started almost 2 years ago. We met online in a chat room, and for the first year it stayed online, or I should say on the phone, because that's how we mainly communicated (he hates typing!). Looking back I can barely believe that we conducted this whole thing that way for a year... seems impossible now. We were going to meet up after a few weeks of meeting online, but he realised that much as he believed his M to be over at that time, he wasn't ready to end it, because of the children. Up until that time I'd been asking him shouldn't he be working on his M rather than get involved with me... but he was pretty determined, until I said something about his children needing to see happy parents... and that seemed to flip a switch in his mind... and made him realise that leaving the children was impossible. So... he cancelled our meeting, and ended things with me.

 

Well I was devastated, as I'd just begun to believe that he was speaking the truth about his M being over. I'd been reticent from the start to get involved emotionally, but it seemed that no soon as I'd agreed to meet him, he changed his mind. Why had I even thought about getting involved..? He seemed genuinely to be through with his M. We both felt we 'clicked' in a far more than average way... so many things in common, everything was so easy between us. It felt like meeting an old friend. And then there was the fact that I was reticent to be involved in a 'real' relationship... after all, I was 2 years out of a particularly nasty abusive situation. But anyway... 3 months in, it was over before we'd ever met.

 

We didn't go NC. We kept in touch in occasional emails and calls... but they were rare. But... I'd already decided that this was something worth pursuing. I thought that, if he worked on his M, and it didn't work out... then we'd be free to get together some time down the line without the worry that he'd not done everything possible to save his M (for his children's sake). But when, several months later... it became clear to him that his M was as dead as he believed (and no, I don't know what he did to resurrect it, if anything ~ we didn't talk about that), he told me of this but said... he still couldn't leave.

 

Despite this, I still believed we had a future. He just wasn't ready to leave. At this time he was having health tests (he'd had a lung tumour removed the year before... which he'd always said was the catalyst for him to think about getting out of his dead M... that and the fact that his W had said to him that when he was lying in hospital with no clue whether he'd live or die, she said to him that she realised she and the C would survive without him...). Anyway... these tests, and the uncertainty about whether he'd get the 'all clear' kept us from meeting up for another few months. But eventually, we set a date, and I flew to the town he was working in (he was working away from home all last year).

 

So, a year after we first met online, we met in person. People might think that it was a little crazy to get so involved and wrapped up in someone you'd never spent any real time with. I can understand that. But for us, meeting physically was just a confirmation of what we already knew about our 'rightness' together. We spent much of last summer alternating between weeks spent apart, and weeks spent in hotel rooms.

 

During this time I always believed that it was just a question of time, his confidence in our R, and my not 'going off him because he was a pain to be with in person' (he isn't), and his falling more in love with me... before he'd get the courage to do what he really ought to do, i.e. to come clean with his W, and to follow his heart. But... months went by... I could see his feelings for me were deepening... but he was stuck. Scared. And I believed him... it was all about the children. It always had been.

 

We'd met for the first time in April. By the summer I was wanting to see some movement. I'd always told him I would never be happy being the OW... and here I was, being UNhappy... all because of his inability to do what HE and I BOTH wanted. He told me in August that he couldn't do it... I gave him more time. I tried to back off, to be understanding, to allow him to pace it in his own way... but my irritation and need NOT to be the OW kept coming to the fore and was ruining the way I felt about him...

 

So it all came to a head again in September. By this time I'd found this place and some other forums on affairs and was mortified by what I read about how they don't work out. So in September... he was telling me he Would Tell Her... I posted here about it... but... after another long discussion with me... he got cold feet again. So I followed the advice I got here (there's a long thread about it somewhere) and went NC, telling him that he could contact me if he managed to leave her.

 

But I was plagued by doubts. Had I pushed him too soon (I know... it seems like I'd had infinite patience, but I could see he wasn't ready)? What if he did leave, and then blamed me for pushing him into it..? Suddenly I felt guilty about his little girl (his children are a girl, now 9, and a boy 11) and thought omg I'm being SO selfish! Anyway... a hundred fears and worries and I couldnt' share them with him. SO... I texted him. A few days later I was up in Scotland again... trying to bite my tongue again... feeling miserable that I was seemingly settling for a role I was totally unhappy with... but knowing that I couldn't just walk away... not while he was telling me that being with me was what he wanted, and it was only his children keeping him at home.

 

So... I managed to stay just about sane through Christmas. He agreed to get a job closer to my home, so we didn't have to meet in hotels any longer... he could live at my home, and feel less nervous about how we might be together in a real, non-affair situation. Sounds crazy (again) now... looking back. But I really believed that if he could just see that it could work out... that he would get up the courage to leave. Looking back... it seems wrong, upside down... but at the time... it was the only answer I could see. So, he gave up his contract in Scotland.

 

But... a week into the New Year... he contract he was hoping to get on in the town near me was changed... weeks went by... and he was still in the office in his home town... no opportunities arising... and each night, he was going home to his W, rather than a hotel. It really wasn't working out the way we'd hoped. Two months of telephone calls (on his way to and from work, not very satisfactory) and I was at my wits end. I became very depressed, tearful, full of anxiety. He came to visit for one day (for the first time lying to his W so he could see me)... but I can barely remember it... only the trauma of his leaving and me not knowing how long it would be before I saw him again.

 

I went to my doctor, he diagnosed depression. I also saw a friend (who is a psychiatric nurse) and he said the same... depression because of the situation you're in. I told MM... he denied it could be the situation for a while, but eventually gave in and said he'd known for a long time what this had been doing to me..... and said 'what does that say about me?' (him). I told him... no more messing. If you want a future with me.. it's now or never. No more waiting. It's my health at stake. And you KNOW that your fears about the children being harmed by divorce are largely irrational. It was down to this... his fears, or my health... which were more significant..?

 

So, after some hard crying (more crying), debating, and me finally saying I QUIT, he agreed... that he'd got to move now or it was over. A week later he talked to a legal expert at work about his financial and legal issues, and custody etc... In a day he was more informed than I'd ever been about many aspects of D. Well, that was a week ago tomorrow. He's now waiting for a time when both the children are out of the house so he can begin the conversation he's dreading with his W.

 

HE IS still dragging his feet. Only this morning I had to reiterate how his being so slow over this is driving a wedge between us. I can't look forward to a future with him till I know he's told his W he wants a separation, that she's done and said whatever she's going to do and say, and he hasn't given up on us but carried through on what he (says he) wants... And even then I know that there are many, many problems we'll have to face... more months of misery and being apart. Financial problems, child access problems... him possibly blaming me for pushing him too soon, or for when things go wrong and there are problems with his children (which there are bound to be, realistically).

 

And where am I in all this..? Almost lost. I can barely think about anything else now, since what happens now is critical... if he fails now, it will all be over. If he succeeds... and gets the separation started... then it will be all change for both of us. I can't look forward to a happy-ever-after even now... it may at any time be dragged from under my feet. What I've been fighting for, hoping for, holding on for for two years... all to come to nothing. I feel so stressed out. And he...? He's worried, fearful, dreading 'the conversation'... he can't go any faster... we're each in our separate hell, and I feel so far from him and all we are supposedly working towards. I think at this moment it's only him with the dream still intact... from what he said this morning (and he was quite shocked to hear how lost I am), he still feels all he ever has done for me... I'm less certain... when I think about him, I feel hurt, and that all my pain comes from his inaction... it's hard to think positive.

 

Anyway, that's where I am.

 

And... I don't seem to have answered any of the questions I posed in my opening post. I'm not sure if any of you will have made it to the end of this message! But I just needed to let it all out.

[zarathustra]

Thanks for sharing your story, Sami. In many ways, it mimicked my own except my xMM and I moved really fast in all of this. His children are the same age, they are really close to him, etc. When I read this post, I feel that I was reading my own story except for a few minor variances and that my timelines and yours are different.

 

Sami, one thing to remember is that after he leaves to be with you, he will really miss the children. He will really hurt for them. It will be hard for you. For me, I felt so much guilt for what he felt as I felt like I was the one who robbed his children of their dad. Regardless of which road you and he choose, it will be very difficult as you are so deep into the situation.

 

I any case, I hope that if your MM leaves his W for you, that you will have a much happier ending that I did. I don't wish what I feel on anyone. I think we feel the pain we feel because we have a good heart and have good intentions. Always remember that.

[Sami_D]

zarathustra. Thanks for your response. First response to anything I've written that has made me cry. I don't want him to feel sad about his children. I don't want him to miss them. I don't want them to feel sorry about losing any time with their Dad, and yes, I DO feel apalling that I'm asking him to do things that will make him AND them sad, sorry, miserable... maybe as miserable as I feel now.

 

I am almost thinking (again) that I need to be less selfish... that Dads need to be close to their children... that he's right in all his fears. But I KNOW he's not happy where he is. His M is rubbish... it's all over. He's living a lie.

 

But then... I don't want to be the OW. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of not being able to tell my friends about him. I'm sick of that ring on his finger. I'm sick of his sounding like a small boy who has to get home in case mummy gets cross.

 

I'm sick of wondering if i'm being played for a fool, if he's sleeping with her, if he is just messing me around, and that this is a BAD thing to be doing, etc. (THIS sentence is all about YOU posters who accuse MM and OW of being selfish, lying people... THIS is what you do to good, honest people who are trying to do 'the right thing' ... and WE ARE... whatever YOU THINK!!!!!!!!!!!)

 

Everyone deserves happiness, deserves a life. I'm sick of being torn apart on the altar of other people's morals. I am NOT a selfish person, and neither is he. We're both trying to do 'what's right', for each other, and (mainly) for other people.

 

Lastly, I just wanted to say that I messed up (probably) in starting this thread to be about current OW, and then posting my sorry affair story hoping for input. Please feel free to make any (non-judgmental ~ try it?) comments on my/our story and situation.

 

Thanks.

[zarathustra]

Oh Sami, I'm really sorry that my response made you cry. I have the propensity of doing that to all around me lately!

 

To be honest, kids are like emotional sponges. Even if he and she are not arguing in front of them, the kids probably know that mom and dad aren't happy. My xMM and I used to say that our parents stayed in unhappy marriages and it caused us both irrepairable damage. So while, yes, he will miss his kids, the question is, is he doing the right thing for them? I asked that to my xMM and he assured me that is the best he can do for them. That with me, he can show them what a happy partnership is. That is why he chose to leave his W. So he said. I asked him after that if he is absolutely sure that if he and his W cannot make a go of their M as I think that if he can work it out with her and be happy with someone that he respects and grow to love again, that it is worth every effort and again, he told me that he cannot live a charade with his wife knowing that he is in love with me. That I am the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. That he is making himself available to me so that I wouldn't be an OW. In the end, his feelings changed. In the end, it was about missing the kids, then re-evaluating what he had with his W and then blaming himself for not trying hard enough with her. When I heard that, I knew that I had lost him and I had to leave. If I didn't, he would leave me the moment she took him home and I knew him enough to know he would keep trying.

 

Anyway, I wanted to share this with you not to cause doubt or not for foresight. I hope you and he will have a happy life, that things will work out with the two of you. You sound like the most amazing, fascinating and fabulous woman with great insight.

 

If he is taking some time to do what he needs to get out of the M, maybe take a step away from the situation and really reflect and see if this situation will work out well for you.

 

Take one day at a time. Smile and be proud that you have the dignity to say that you deserve to not be the OW and that you deserve better than this. Because you really are.

[Blind Illusion]

Lastly, I just wanted to say that I messed up (probably) in starting this thread to be about current OW, and then posting my sorry affair story hoping for input. Please feel free to make any (non-judgmental ~ try it?) comments on my/our story and situation.

 

Thanks.

 

No, you didn't mess up-I'll just reply twice, which is easy for me to do anyhow, since I tend to be very wordy at times :)

 

I think that was a good sign that he spoke to legal experts at work. If he never entertained the thought, would he really be bothered doing something like that. That being said, I can still imagine the emotional limbo you are in right now. Not wanting to give in to thinking too much about your new lives together if it isn't going to be. All this waiting isn't good for you.

 

I also think children do persevere and adapt better than we give them credit for. How many times do we hear about children waiting to get out of the house of one where the parents held on to a bad marriage. I know this logically anyhow, having two children of my own. Sometimes, I do worry though, how my youngest (10 & also a boy) would do when his Dad and I aren't together anymore. I guess I drag my feet a bit too, but then, I don't have the promise of a new life with someone either.

 

I am wondering if the lung tumor removal would make him realize that life is not a dress rehearsal and we only get one life to try to be happy in. I really hope that it does.

 

THe only negative part I got from the post (and it could be the way you worded it) is that he shouldn't feel like he is doing all this for you in any way. He is doing this for both of you or for his happiness. Unless he means that he is taking these steps now as opposed to later.

 

You know what else jumped out at me with your post-the part that he was shocked to hear how lost you were. I would imagine that the MM I was involved with would be also, if he heard how anxiety-ridden I am about the whole thing.

[Walking away]

I agree with Zara completely....You are wonderful, both of you...

 

Hugs to you both!

[Blind Illusion]

I often wondered the same thing about who was actually in an ongoing affair, especially as I am relatively new here anyhow.

 

My story starts out somewhat like yours : online, only it was a support forum something like this. That would have been 6 years ago. Same scenario of it being online and phone calls for most of that first year. When we did meet in person, after much prodding on his part, it was so magical since we already knew each other so well. In fact, I would put that night down, right up there with the birth of my children as one of the top 10 happiest moments of my lfie.

 

We are both married and have just accepted this as an adjunct to unhappy marriages. I can't say he ever promised he would leave his home or he made false promises to me. However, I got so used to having his support and friendship and love in my life, I would feel the biggest void ever if he was totally gone.

 

I know the above intellectually, anyhow. About 2 years ago, they almost separated due to factors that had nothing whatsoever to do with me. I could easily get on that bandwagon with the chorus of people asking me if I really knew what the wife said, that I just had his version of it but I heard it with my own ears. He gave me his cell phone password because he wanted me to hear some messages she left for him and tell him what I thought. (it's hard to explain, but we always had this friendship thing going on also and greatly valued each other's outlook on things. It's also how I know that there are periods where they do have sex. He is famous for his TMI that he gives out regarding his marriage and life but I suppose I rather that than lies) Next thing I know, she went to a lawyer and told him they can't afford to get a divorce.

 

I mention the above incident because that was a turning point for me. Up to that point, I didn't really imagine what it would be like if he was free. (all right, I might have fantasized about it occasionally in my mind Then I did think about that deeply and fell apart emotionally when that didn't happen. I set my own self up though. They went to marriage counseling for a few months and moved furher away from where we lived but I still saw him. Still see him. Just not as often :(

 

I am not sure if things are just fazing out on his part. Sometimes I think yes but then he sends me other mixed signals. I am really not sure where I am at today. Just completely lost I guess. I am trying to concentrate on things I can control like my own life but it's hard, you know.

 

I read the most excellent post here at LoveShack last night about Walk Away Wife Syndrome. Sometimes I think that is me. Actually, I know it is. Especially, the excerpt below, only with me, the "silent desperation until D-day" was just too unbearable and a waste of me. THE MM made it less so.

 

After years of trying unsuccessfully to improve things, a woman eventually surrenders and convinces herself that change isn't possible. She ends up believing there's absolutely nothing she can do because everything she's tried hasn't worked. That's when she begins to carefully map out the logistics of what she considers to be the inevitable, getting a divorce.

 

While she's planning her escape, she no longer tries to improve her relationship or modify her partner's behavior in any way. She resigns herself to living in silent desperation until "D Day."

[Jessie61]

 

zarathustra. Thanks for your response. First response to anything I've written that has made me cry. I don't want him to feel sad about his children. I don't want him to miss them. I don't want them to feel sorry about losing any time with their Dad, and yes, I DO feel apalling that I'm asking him to do things that will make him AND them sad, sorry, miserable... maybe as miserable as I feel now.

 

I am almost thinking (again) that I need to be less selfish... that Dads need to be close to their children... that he's right in all his fears. But I KNOW he's not happy where he is. His M is rubbish... it's all over. He's living a lie.

 

But then... I don't want to be the OW. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of not being able to tell my friends about him. I'm sick of that ring on his finger. I'm sick of his sounding like a small boy who has to get home in case mummy gets cross.

 

I'm sick of wondering if i'm being played for a fool, if he's sleeping with her, if he is just messing me around, and that this is a BAD thing to be doing, etc. .....

Everyone deserves happiness, deserves a life. I'm sick of being torn apart on the altar of other people's morals. I am NOT a selfish person, and neither is he. We're both trying to do 'what's right', for each other, and (mainly) for other people.

 

 

Sami D,

 

First of all, there are no perfect solutions to all problems, and what you and your MM are doing is trying to work out which solution is the best of the ones available to you. It is not necessarily perfect, but such a thing does not exist. It is all about balancing different factors and reaching the best possible solution.

 

If he leaves his wife, then he is doing it because it is the best solution for both of YOU, not because you are forcing him in anyway. It may also be the best solution for his kids in the long run - I have read that children of a loveless marriage can suffer untold damage. In any event, good parenting takes more than the simply staying together, doesn't it? Perhaps the kids will be happier with happy separated parents than with miserable parents that stayed together? Also, perhaps his W will ultimately find happiness with someone else that loves her, which perhaps is something that she wouldn't do staying in a pointless marriage?

 

No, I am not saying that leaving the W is a-l-w-a-y-s the best solution. Each situation is different. But I don't think you should beat yourself up too much about it either. He is making the decision ultimately, and once he has left his W all you can do is to support him vis-a-vis his kids, and then when they are ready, do your best to support the kids too.

 

I know exactly what you mean about being sick of the ring on the finger, the secrecy and having the inevitable doubts about his true intentions. You are responsible to yourself and YES you do deserve better than sitting around agonising over this. So, you are not selfish for asking for more; if he says "yes", great, but if he told you he's staying with the W, then I assume you would accept it? You are allowing him to make his own choice, and unfortunately he cannot have everything, but that is life? And that is not you being selfish.

 

It is not an ideal situation for either of you, but you can only make the most of the situation that you find yourself in. There are so many things that I recognise in your story. I really wish you both all the best, and I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you!!!! Keep us posted!

[Sami_D]

Jessie... thanks... you make a lot of sense.

 

I think he knows all of it... but it takes time.

 

But HOW much of A MAN can any man feel when we all look on him and know what he should do and he didn't do it... for the longest time....

 

Or... do real men exist only in fairy tails...?

 

And in that case... why do real fairy answers to his prayers always exist in his woodland marches... and why..? and... does that make the contraversially weak?

 

I want a strong man.

 

They don't seem to exist.

[StrivingtoSucceed]

I am a BS posting on the OM/OW forum. Not who you are looking for to respond, but I want to give you my point of view of why I do post here.

 

Originally when I started posting on LS I accidentally posted it here and in the infidelity forum. I never posted on any Forum ever and it was an honest mistake. The responses I got from both were great; however, the majority of responses received from the infidelity forum were one-sided ... this way, or the highway. Relationships are not that cut and dry and all OM/OW are not bad people. OM/OW are normal everyday people trying to find their way in life just as I am. I don’t believe that the majority of OM/OW went into the relationship to intentionally break up a marriage. They went in either blindly, or thinking just what the straying spouse said ... the marriage was over before they ever even met them. Yes, there are a few that intentionally do it, but those are more rare than I think most people (BS) want to believe. I have been on both sides of the fence (previous marriage/relationships), so I know none of us are that different from the other and I think, gives me a little bit more understanding for my H which led to the responses from the infidelity site sometimes being a bit hard for me to swallow (not that I didn’t listen and appreciate the responses). However, the responses from OW were so astute and unimaginably supportive I’ve been posting here for the most part ever since.

 

Look at you Sami. In the midst of your pain, you take the time to respond to other posters ... betrayed spouses looking for direction ... that shows a lot about the person that you are. In all of this, which ever way it goes, remember that you are a good person and that there is nothing wrong with you. You will be happy and I hope that you get what you both want - a happy and successful relationship. I won’t hijack this thread anymore, since I am a BS, but I just wanted you to know that you are a good person and you are appreciated. I’m sorry you are going through the pain that you are going through and wish you only the best. Thank you for taking the time to post responses to my threads in my hours of need.

[zarathustra]

Sami, I think he is trying to be strong so he can be with you. Take pride that he is trying and is talking to someone about it. I think it would be good for him to seek out a child psychologist to talk to about how to break the news to the kids and have a better transition. Take pride that he values you enough to really consider your need of not being the OW anymore.

 

I think that when I re-evaluate what happened with me, I think it would have been best had my xMM left for himself and to live his life free of his W because the M was bad enough to warrant leaving. To recognize that and then say, my children deserves better than to see me in this M and leave and figure out the logistics of visitation first would have been more ideal for me. Ah well, the good part about the past is that it is the past and the bad part is that we cannot do it over.

[Walking away]

Striving to Succeed:

 

We are ALL women here who are struggling with the effects of an affair that has devastated all involved. Whether you are on the BS side or the OW side of the fence, the fact remains, we are people in conflict and pain...and truly, as far as I am concerned, that is all that really matters.

 

Your thoughts are always welcome here. Keep posting.

[Sami_D]

Look at you Sami. In the midst of your pain, you take the time to respond to other posters ... betrayed spouses looking for direction ... that shows a lot about the person that you are. In all of this, which ever way it goes, remember that you are a good person and that there is nothing wrong with you. You will be happy and I hope that you get what you both want - a happy and successful relationship. I won’t hijack this thread anymore, since I am a BS, but I just wanted you to know that you are a good person and you are appreciated. I’m sorry you are going through the pain that you are going through and wish you only the best. Thank you for taking the time to post responses to my threads in my hours of need.

 

Thanks... really. We don't have to take on the hat/role that we're assigned... we're all just people. I am sure that our feelings about who we are and how we feel are more important than the role we're replaying in a particular marriage.

 

I don't want to feel like 'the enemy' to someone... all that means is there is some shcmuch making some other woman feel confused. Men are weak... they are. All the power we appear to give them is just our power handed over to them.

[Jessie61]

Jessie... thanks... you make a lot of sense.

 

I think he knows all of it... but it takes time.

 

But HOW much of A MAN can any man feel when we all look on him and know what he should do and he didn't do it... for the longest time....

 

Or... do real men exist only in fairy tails...?

 

And in that case... why do real fairy answers to his prayers always exist in his woodland marches... and why..? and... does that make the contraversially weak?

 

I want a strong man.

 

They don't seem to exist.

 

Sami D,

 

I know your agonising only too well.... Please try not to tie yourself into knots! I almost drove myself mad worrying about these things, but there are no perfect answers.

 

Do real men only exist in fairytales? Yes, perhaps. But none of us are perfect. We can only try to do our best to be a good strong person etc, and when we fail we can only try to learn from it and move on.

 

I am afraid that you will just have to sit tight and wait to see what happens..? My heart really goes out to you.

 

Have you set a dead line?

[Jessie61]

 

Look at you Sami. In the midst of your pain, you take the time to respond to other posters ... betrayed spouses looking for direction ... that shows a lot about the person that you are. In all of this, which ever way it goes, remember that you are a good person and that there is nothing wrong with you. You will be happy and I hope that you get what you both want - a happy and successful relationship. I won’t hijack this thread anymore, since I am a BS, but I just wanted you to know that you are a good person and you are appreciated. I’m sorry you are going through the pain that you are going through and wish you only the best. Thank you for taking the time to post responses to my threads in my hours of need.

 

Striving to Succeed,

 

You are dead right about Sami, and the fact that you even bother to comment on it make you pretty special too!!!! I wish you all the best!

[Brianschick]

I am married but also an other woman.

To answer the original questions:

I'm into month 5 and this is the second time the OM and I have had an affair with each other. The first time we had an affair I broke it off out of guilt (plus his wife was pregnant)

He and I do not discuss much of what he tells his wife. I can tell he isn't happy though. I'm pretty sure they have sex. He has no intention of leaving..nor would I want him to ..at least not for me. There is no love in our relationship, just lots of lust. We have a mainly PA. We met while in the military. There is a five year difference between us. I'm mainly happy with the relationship. His wife doesn't know about me.

From what I understand they separated once b/f ...possibly over another woman he was seeeing. So, if she did find out about me I don't think she would be surprised. He seems to be a typical cake man.

[Jessie61]

So, I thought I'd begin a thread asking about current OW, and where we are in the affair. Are you just on your way in? Up to your neck? About to end it? What is he telling you about his M? Is he happy? Is he unhappy? Do they have a sex life? Is he planning on leaving, now, sometime, or never? Is it mainly an EA, a PA? Where did you meet? Is it an age-gap relationship? Are you mainly happy, or unhappy with the arrangement? Have you had any D-days? Does his W know? How did she react?

 

Yes, Brianschick is right, I suspect that we have forgotten the original question....

 

So here it is (mind you, I am not sure if I am a current or exOW..):

 

A going on for just over 2 years. Met at a conference, we are both in the same line of business. I knew who MM was, but I had never spoken to him before. We ended up sitting next to each other and then we had lunch together with other people. Over that lunch it all happended. It was instant love, which this total cynic never thought she would ever say! Yes, I do appreciate how corny it sounds!!! We talked and talked and talked. The next time we looked up the whole restaurant was empty coz everyone else had gone back to the conference - and we hadn't even noticed!

 

From the very start I said that I am not mistress material and I am not waiting around forever. He said his marriage had been extremely unhappy for years. He and his W were not fighting, in fact they were keeping up this image of the perfect couple, but they had drifted apart for the last 8-10 years. He had begged her to go to MC 5-6 years ago but she had refused point blank. Then he gave up... Yes, he said from the very start that he would leave his W. We did not discuss "when"; I said that I had a particular time frame in mind, once that was up I would leave him, if he wasn't ready.

 

He is 4 years older than me and we are both professionals.

 

It is very much an EA and a PA.

 

I got extremely unhappy with this situation much sooner than I had thought. Probably because my feelings deepened - as did his. Almost a year into the A, I just could not take it anymore even though I had allowed myself 18 months. At that stage, he said that he was not ready to leave because he wanted us to have more time together to see if we were a couple with "future potential"; he had committed to the W way too soon, and that had been a massive mistake and he did not wish to repeat it. I said "Fine" and dumped him.

 

For the next few months I dumped him about 4 million times, followed by a period of NC which he always broke. Was he ready, I asked? Not yet, he said, but he begged for more time. I said no.

 

Eventually, I decided to leave the country to get away from him. I knew that he would never leave me alone and that I would be too weak and fall back into it for a few days, then I would have to dump him again and the grieving process would start all over again.

 

He was devastated and probably did not believe that I was going until I did leave.

 

Then came the offer. A deadline. He would leave after Xmas. I agreed. He missed the deadline. I cut him off. Then I had to go back home for a family occasion - NOBODY knows about this and I have to pretend everything is normal even though I am dying inside. (This is why this site is so valuable to me!) While at home, I bumped into him in the city centre, I said nothing and walked away FAST, he sent me a text, I responded, new deadline. Hm....... This is where we are now. I haven't decided what to do. He is telling me about steps he has taken, and steps that he is going to take towards a separation. I want to believe him and part of me does; in my battered heart I know that he loves me. (I know that I am going to get murdered by you all for even saying that!!! ) But my logical head tells me a different thing..... This is what is so agonising....

 

His W does not know.

 

That is my story. As pathetic as it is.....

 

PS. Sami D - How are you doing now?

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

I'm sick of wondering if i'm being played for a fool, if he's sleeping with her, if he is just messing me around, and that this is a BAD thing to be doing, etc.

 

 

Sami,

 

This is what I obsess over many, many times in a day (except for the part on him sleeping with his W because I know they do). Am I a fool? Have I been played? But really, these are our natural protective mechanisms. The truth is, he probably did have real feelings for you. In my case, I believe that we engage in a 'pseudo-reality' where we developed feelings that are based on pretense and assumptions. In any case, I believe that it will take a whole lot for a man to file for divorce. They (MM's) are complacent creatures. As long as they receive some form of sexual gratification - even from another woman - they'd stay put.

 

Perhaps this is not what you want to hear. I get a sense that you are a strong woman... your only weakness is having him in your blood.

 

Good luck.

 

As for your original question for this thread: I am not doing so well, right now. I am angry... mostly at myself and my husband. I don't know why I should be angry at my husband. He has been this way for as long as I've known him - yet I was always able to overlook his shortcomings before. Now, i can't even stand being in the same room with him! I know, I seriously need help. What kind of help, I don't know. Maybe more meds - preferentially the kinds that put me into a coma.

[Sami_D]

Well I dreaded opening this thread this morning, as I vaguely remember consuming vast quantities of wine, putting the phone down on MM, and writing a lot of angst-ridden tosh on here.

 

I just wanted to give a quick update, and thank everyone who responded to my thread with their really kind words and support and suggestions.

 

Anyway, last night I went to bed and turned off my phone, determined never to speak to him again (hmm extreme reactions are so me at times ). But i didn't get much sleep. Lay there planning out my 'future without MM', which didn't look too bad, actually. I think I've frightened myself so much about

 

a) him telling me he can't go through with it.

b) him going through with it, and having to live over a chip shop in a pokey flat with his teenage children never speaking to either of us.

 

Yes... I'm in a really positive frame of mind, as you can see

 

Anyway... I ended up asking him to call this morning. He said he's decided that he will tell her Monday, when their visit to her parents is over and he has the day off work.

 

Sounds like a plan.

 

Once again, thanks all for being here.

[lovernotafighter]

Well I dreaded opening this thread this morning, as I vaguely remember consuming vast quantities of wine, putting the phone down on MM, and writing a lot of angst-ridden tosh on here.

 

just wanted to give a quick update, and thank everyone who responded to my thread with their really kind words and support and suggestions

 

Anyway, last night I went to bed and turned off my phone, determined never to speak to him again (hmm extreme reactions are so me at times ). But i didn't get much sleep. Lay there planning out my 'future without MM', which didn't look too bad, actually. I think I've frightened myself so much about a) him telling me he can't go through with it.

 

b) him going through with it, and having to live over a chip shop in a pokey flat with his teenage children never speaking to either of us.

Yes... I'm in a really positive frame of mind, as you can see

 

Anyway... I ended up asking him to call this morning. He said he's decided that he will tell her Monday, when their visit to her parents is over and he has the day off work

Sounds like a plan.

 

Once again, thanks all for being here.

 

Sami D,thanks for posting your story *hugs*

 

I'm late with my replies ,cause I was working like a dog and to be honest becoming incredible depressed over everything in life.

 

isn't crazy how so many of our story on here are so similar? in all the the current posters story there is something that I say "woah..that is just like me

 

and the one thing is certain...none of the OW I've seen tell there story are selfish and all have told their MM at one time or another "work on your marriage

 

don't ever think your selfish Sami...it just gets to a point where we are hurting so much we have to have a change whether the MM leaves to be with you or NC,something has to give

 

my health went through the crapper to...my periods were all out of wack and my doctor said it was stress..I was grinding my teeth and cracking them in my sleep and then had to get on anti-depressants...I try to act like Not I'm taking my A hard..but my body certainly is telling another story

 

and I'm a extreme reaction person to sami..again I can completely relate..last week after Thursday I was ignoring him and his massive attempts to contact me..then I finally caved...but during that time..I was like nope..not doing any work on this junk

 

I hope he really does go through with it... this is so much pain for you..and I'm sure he's hurting to..why does love have to be so painful? I ask myself that so often...god gave us the ability to love completely but we can love who our hearts tell us to...it seems like a cruel joke on humanity.

 

best of luck to you sami,your a wonderful and inspiring woman thank you for everything

 

thought I'd answer your original question as well

 

So, I thought I'd begin a thread asking about current OW, and where we are in the affair. Are you just on your way in? Up to your neck? About to end it

 

knee deep..thinking of ending it

 

What is he telling you about his M? Is he happy? Is he unhappy?

 

he says he just living life..he's happy with his child but unhappy with his marriage

 

Do they have a sex life?

 

yes he still sleeps with her..he claims he doesn't initiate it. and sleep on the sofa or with child most nights

 

Is he planning on leaving, now, sometime, or never?

 

He says he always intended on leaving but now that he has met me he thinks he will end it by the years end...he says he is getting his ducks in a row..but I don't ask and I don't have proof.

 

Is it mainly an EA, a PA?

 

it's both..I think it was meant to be more of a PA and so I guess we kinda went backwards..hard to say..perhaps we just wouldn't admit we both had more of a EA at first...we were like teenagers..we didn't know how to talk about things..or act in the bedroom together..quite silly actually.

 

Where did you meet?

 

at my job

 

Is it an age-gap relationship?

 

no,we are only a year apart in age.

 

Are you mainly happy, or unhappy with the arrangement?

 

toughest question..I am happy when I'm with him..but unhappy with the arrangement

 

Have you had any D-days?

 

no we won't have any..no demands here....at least I don't think so

 

Does his W know? How did she react

 

she caught me trying to talk to him on IM..all I said was "hey you there" or such...nothing incriminating and she flipped for months..she made him over and over look for me in chat rooms..because that's what he told her..I was a random person he talked to in a chat room and then she got him to go to counseling over it...now after over 2 months he still isn't aloud on the computer and checks on him constantly..the week before last she called him 17 times in a 2 hour period.

 

( my post went bonkers for a sec...sorry about that)

[OzGirl]

Ladies (and guys if any OM here) - I just want to say I've read these posts and I get anxious for you all.

 

I remember when I was seeing my MM how blissful life was. It was beautiful.

 

This is where I hope you can honestly say you will remain within yourselves (blissfully and totally happy with the situation), or, that the anxiety associated with "will it become more exclusive" is short-lived and that your MM do take the leap and stay committed. I say this because once upon a time, I knew, deep within my soul, if he did that, I would have had the most perfect relationship this side of Texas.

 

That's what I wish for you. But, what my head tells me is not such a great prediction. I really do suspect these anxious times of deadlines not being met, and NC not being kept, will suspend you in a state of serious hardship because he will become less and less perfect in reality, and your heart and your head will be fighting with each other - you love him, but you don't like the delaying and, therefore, mixed messages of him loving you back.

 

Honestly - expect the best and be prepared for the worst. Just because it didn't work out for my MM and I, doesn't mean I think it's like that for everyone. But, I must admit - what you're saying and doing - I've read it here before, and the end result is they stay with their wife, and none of the OW seem to expect it to turn out that way.

 

Living in hope of magic and having something not just unique to you, but unique in it's own right within the world, is something fairytales are made of and boy, don't we all, wives, OW and the rest wish that we were the subject of that story.

 

There's one thing I think of when I think of what it would have really been like if he left his W for me. I have a friend who looks a little like me and has the same personality as me. She is also someone who picks men up in clubs, etc, for one-nighters. That's our only difference. I don't. But, she is vivacious and funny and he used to think she was great.

 

I never trusted them in the same room together. I knew he enjoyed my ability to be confided in, and that I could make him laugh - and brought out the best in him (as he described it). I always knew she could have made him feel that way, too. He may have never given her a second thought. But, I always thought I don't trust him to not try it on her if they were together for a long period of time, and had a couple of drinks under their belt. I would hate to have exchanged the anxiety of not having him with the anxiety of losing him to someone new. I can swallow the thought this ended with him staying with his wife.

 

Just - I know you aren't fishing for comments from ex-OW, but more, some sense of not being alone in where you are at. But, trust me, you're not alone even from the ex-OW. We sit here nervously reading your posts just hoping you don't have to go through what we did, but failing to see the massive opportunity for you to not. All indicators spell pain - even now - and I hope you can have a softer landing if it does go pear shaped for already being on this forum. It would make me so very happy to hear that things work out for someone - for a change. I do wish that for you - that your ARE the one who's hope turns into magic, despite my thoughts reality could easily be otherwise.

 

Hugs to you - and trust me - posting is therapy for me... I feel like maybe I'm giving some good back to a generic situation that's rotten when it ends. Stay in control of the situation. Just remember - everytime they ask for control (deadline extensions) and you give it to them, you are teaching them how to maintain this situation without real change. The more control they have, the less is left for you.

[silentjuliet]

I'm not an OW but I'm a MW...but as you read about me I'm a potential sucker for a OM. He's single.

 

Anyways, thanks for sharing your story and opening this thread. It's interesting to read the different stories people have to tell.

[Sami_D]

Well, he didn't get the opportunity yesterday to speak to her alone. She'd organised a few family activities that made it impossible.

 

He called this morning and we chatted for a while. I'm disappointed in him, because I'm sure he could be handling this better. At the same time, I know it has to be one of the hardest things in life to tell someone you want a D or separation... because of all the fallout, and the no-going-back-ness of it.

 

So here I am, still stuck wondering whether to go NC on him or give him more time... more time... more time.

[movinon05]

Well, he didn't get the opportunity yesterday to speak to her alone. She'd organised a few family activities that made it impossible.

 

He called this morning and we chatted for a while. I'm disappointed in him, because I'm sure he could be handling this better. At the same time, I know it has to be one of the hardest things in life to tell someone you want a D or separation... because of all the fallout, and the no-going-back-ness of it.

 

So here I am, still stuck wondering whether to go NC on him or give him more time... more time... more time.

 

Sami, as you might already know, I gave my MM 7 yrs of more time... more time... more time... Only you know how many more times. I hope it works out for you soon. I wouldn't want you to waste your life in limbo the way I did. Seriously, if you can, put a deadline on it, and stick to it. Give it enough time for him to talk to her - rather than "a specific day", because something always comes up in daily routines. But "enough time" does not have to be a long time. Just a suggestion. I hope it works out for you either way. Keep us posted.