Question for the affair partner

[Chump64]

My husband just ended a 10 year affair last month. We are working hard to see if we can save this marriage. He has maintained NC, and the OW and her spouse are also working to save their situation (I know this b/c I talked to the OW's husband briefly). The OW's husband found out only because I discovered the situation and let the OW know that I'd tell her husband if she didn't. (This couple were friends of ours, socially, before this came out.)

 

My spouse says that he does not think about this woman, except to avoid her (they work in the same building). He says that he is too consumed by my pain and by trying to keep from losing me. He says he does not miss her, and that he had been wanting / trying to end this relationship, which had sort of slowed down and fizzled in recent years. In the early years, they would hook up 2-3 times a week. In recent years, it was 1-2 times a month. By "hook up," I mean have noon hour sexcapades. Aside from that, they talked by phone and / or emailed daily. They never went on dates or to hotels, to dinner, etc. It was all stuff that happened during the noon hour, either at our house or her house. (Thankfully it's a house we no longer live in.) He claims they had no pet names, favorite songs that they shared, etc.

 

I haven't gotten a good feel for how emotionally involved they were. He gives me the impression that it was general chit chatty type stuff. They enjoyed each other's company, but he said she never really "completed" him, or had any great sense of humor, nor was she especially intelligent, etc. He said she really had nothing to offer that he can't get from me. He is still trying to figure out the "why" part of his attraction, but a lot of it was flattery, great sex and of course, attention from another woman.

 

So here is my question. Is it possible that I'm being fooled, and that he really does miss her and is grieving for that relationship? That he thinks about her more than he will admit? We discussed this in counseling. The counselor asked him about it and he said, "No, I don't think about her. Does that make me an SOB?"

 

I find it hard to believe he doesn't think about someone who was a part of his life for 10 years. I keep wondering whether he is holding back from telling me things in order to save his own skin and prevent further hurt.

[ThumbingMyWay]

He says he does not miss her, and that he had been wanting / trying to end this relationship, which had sort of slowed down and fizzled in recent years.

 

I find it hard to believe he doesn't think about someone who was a part of his life for 10 years.

 

You know I am not a WS but a BH.

 

at first read, I would say there is no way he CANT not be thinking of her in some way or the other. I mean 10 years is a long time for an A let alone a freindship.

 

BUT with that said, after ten years, I am sure it did fizzle out and he was wanting out, but since the cake was still there, he still took his piece when he could. BUT also after ten years, I would assume the RUSH the EGO was long gone and it was just the same thing when they met up? So in a sence he may very well be truthful that he does not think of her because he has wanted out for so long and now that he is, he can finaly put her out of mind.

 

But coming from my situ, i KNOW my wife still thinks of OM, but her was more of a Emo A so i can see why she still thinks of him.

 

 

I keep wondering whether he is holding back from telling me things in order to save his own skin and prevent further hurt.

 

Again, coming from my situ, I felt the same way. Wife aint going to come 100% clean for fear or saying something that will be a deal breaker for me. I assume my wife told me everything she needed to say, but I know there is prolly more.

 

But like my MC said. What happened happened. if I keep asking for and getting every single little detail is that going to help me? NO it wont, so there came a time that I decided i know all I needed to know. And that was the fact that she had an EA and PA with her boss. The truth hurts but some of the details hurt more, casue now they are "triggers" that bring back my anger towards her and him. Meaning, did I need to know what park or waht resteruant they went to? no I didnt, casue now when i drive by those places, it triggers the anger.

 

I feel for ya Chump....betrayel SUX big time....

[RedRose73]

HI

I have a gut feeling that your Husband isn't being honest with u.

10 years is a long time & to break things off & not feel anything is something i doubt happens.

 

I just don't understand how u know he had a 10 year affair & u stay with him. How could u be with a man that cheated on u for 10 years. If my husband ever cheated on me, i'd kick his a** out of the house so fast he wouldn't know what hit him.

 

I was the OW in an affair. I realize that if he cheated with me on his wife, he's cheat on me too, aventually if we got married. I feel once a cheater, always a cheater. You can't change a leopards spots!!

[travellingman]

As someone who's having an EA, one thing I would look at closely is her personality. The more she's unlike you, the more likely it is that there was an emotional bond.

[My_Other_I]

I'd say he's lying to you. He might not have romantic feelings for her, but I will bet my arm that he does think of her. 10 years is a long time! How did you find out?

I believe he doesn't tell you that because he wants to protect you from more pain. It's still lying though.

[silktricks]

If you're going to stay with him, you need to be able to trust him. After all this time your mind is going to say a lot of things. My H had a long-distance (e-mail) EA that lasted about a year. They didn't have sex, but did meet for coffee/chats a few times when she was in town.

 

The EA has been over for 2 years now, and I've been struggling to cope with it for all of that time, and though I've tried not to, have put both of us through hell trying to wrap my mind around everything. Just this week, I've finally turned a corner, and in that turning realized a few things.

 

As with your H my H has consistently said that he NEVER thinks about her if I don't bring it up. For him it is a very unhappy memory, not something to dwell on. To think about her would be to over and over face the fact of his deceit and lack of honor.

 

Do I believe him? Finally, yes. Do I think he has NEVER thought about her? Never is a pretty extreme word, but I do believe that he has thought about her very seldom, and is pretty disgusted with himself over the whole situation. It's enough for me, hopefully it will be for you as well and your marriage will be able to survive. Good luck.

[kpin124]

sorry to say this but I would say yes he still thinks about her maybe not all the time but sometimes yes ...... how could he not 10 years is a long time...... being in a EA right now i can't imagine just turning off the feeling i have for the om.... its just not human nature we don't work like that if you know what i mean... i know for me little things make me think about my om just the other day i was watching the news and they mentioned the town where we always meet and that was all it took i couldn't get him off my mind.

[Chump64]

Thanks everyone.

 

MOI: I accidentally came across some emails on our home computer. He lied to me (SOB) and I went undercover with a bunch of spy equipment. Took me about 6 months to gather all my evidence.

 

Red Rose: Our situation is such that leaving him or kicking him out would be no less painful than trying to work through this nightmare. We have three kids who vary widely in ages, from teen to toddler. Not to sound like a martyr, but this is a huge consideration. I can choose to try working through this marital pain, or I can a different route that would cause a lot of pain for three innocent kids who are, at the moment, clueless. Now, I realize that my HUSBAND would be responsible for that pain, not me. But right now, this seems like the best option. That said, I am not 100 percent sure it will work. I am willing to give it a try and at the moment, my husband is doing everything he possibly can be to repair the situation. We had a good marriage (or so I thought) until I discovered this. We do have a lot going for us in many ways. If the marriage was not happy, ever, I wouldn't waste my time. I hope it can work but my offer is a one-time deal. So if the leopard doesn't change his spots, I am done.

[OzGirl]

When the wife of the MM I was seeing found out about me, she didn't want anything to do with me - fine.

 

But, I REALLY wanted her to know - for her own sake, that he was STILL ringing me, emailing me, etc. I didn't want him - and that's true. But, I didn't want another female to suffer at the hands of this massive and well-practiced liar. If I could somehow 'help' her, having realised what damage I'd contributed to, then maybe I would feel redeemed in my own mind - and get over it and on with life sooner.

 

My point is - the OW - I'm sure you don't want to talk to her? Why don't you ring her and ask her if they are still in contact? As a retired OW, I can assure you - if she wants him, and IF they are secretly planning to continue to see each other, she will definately tell you.

 

If they are not, then she is effectively saying it's over from her perspective at least.

 

Just don't 'teach' him what to say so that he can, in fact, do this again. Saying lies to you is something he's done for a LONG time by the sounds of things.... he has spent a long time losing that sense of fear of being caught - but rather just turned it into a routine.

 

Seeing her at work is an environment he would feel safe to have contact with her still - as he always has. That's not to say he is - but put yourself in his shoes - he was attracted to her for a reason - just because you found out, doesn't mean she became ugly overnight. Sometimes, the whole 'forbidden love' / 'dangerous liaison' ingredient is what sustains the relationship in circumstances like this. Just be careful he's not merely more challenged to keep everything out of your radar.

 

He seems to be saying to you the same things men say to women to keep them - be it a wife or mistress.

 

As for your kids - don't use them as an excuse to stay together... if you are unhappy, then they would rather you happy apart, than unhappy together, and if they are the only reason you stay together, they will eventually find out - and then feel guilty. Trust me - I've been there as both the child and the parent.

 

When in doubt, take control off everyone else and give it to the only person you trust to be honest - yourself. Nothing changes unless you change it.

[Chump64]

I was really more interested in knowing whether he is thinking a lot about her. I think he is afraid to fess up to me about that. Then again, I'm not sure it really matters whether I know this. It may be completely unproductive.

 

With regard to everything else, he has been painfully, brutally honest. Right down to stuff they said during sex / things he asked her to do / what color her lingerie was, etc. Barf. But I do think he is hiding this emotional stuff a bit.

 

Oz, I'm not really going to waste tons of time and energy figuring out if they still have contact. I have a few ways to check up on him and I'll do that when and if I feel the need. But I've made peace with the fact that I will just end the marriage when / if he does this again, and he knows that. It's not the worst thing that can happen to me.

 

Right now he is extremely remorseful and regretful, and is scared sh*tless that I will leave. I also know that she has been married even longer than I have, and I know there is also a lot at stake for that couple. I don't think either one of them (my husband, or the OW) would initiate contact. But we are only 5 weeks out. Things can and do change over time. I'm trying not to be too naive.

 

Right now he's under extreme anxiety, trying to avoid her at work. And they don't really work together, only in the same building (different depts / different floors). My husband's dept. is moving out of that building in the fall. But oddly enough, I don't feel that threatened by their close proximity, partly b/c they were having the affair for 5 years before they happened -- by chance -- to find themselves in the same building. They have shown they can carry on wherever they are.

[My_Other_I]

Don't mean to take the wind away from you. You sound very reasonable and wise about the whole situation. Just a warning: my exMM had the same ultimatum from his W. One more strike and he was out. He found me anyway and we continued the A. I finally had to end it, seeing the nonsense of the whole thing (and his lies ). As much as he lied to me, I don't want him to lose what he doesnt' want to leave.

I really hope it's not your case, especially when it seems that their A was more P than E.

[Chump64]

Right now I struggle more with the question of whether or not he is truly and happily committed to our marriage, vs. the question of whether he will cheat. I don't want to keep anyone around for the wrong reasons. I guess time will tell.

[My_Other_I]

Right now I struggle more with the question of whether or not he is truly and happily committed to our marriage, vs. the question of whether he will cheat. I don't want to keep anyone around for the wrong reasons. I guess time will tell.

yes, it hasn't been long enough for you to be able to know yet. He needs to grief the loss and so do you. Good luck to you both and the other couple, as well!

[No Stress Lady]

So here is my question. Is it possible that I'm being fooled, and that he really does miss her and is grieving for that relationship? That he thinks about her more than he will admit? We discussed this in counseling. The counselor asked him about it and he said, "No, I don't think about her. Does that make me an SOB?"

 

I find it hard to believe he doesn't think about someone who was a part of his life for 10 years. I keep wondering whether he is holding back from telling me things in order to save his own skin and prevent further hurt.

 

You can't just "erase" your husband's memory - I'm sure he does think about her - and the more you bring this up the more he'll think about her.

 

This doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't want to work things out with you - after all he's still with you and he's been to counselling which shows he wants to put the effort into maintaining your marriage.

 

I understand your need to know but obssessing endlessly about what happened is just going to hurt you more in the long run.

 

You've got some tough issues to consider - it sounds like you just don't trust him - understandable in the circumstances. But you have to move forward not get hung up in the past.......

 

Good luck

[Guest0]

No, offense, but how can you call that a marriage? He has been lying and cheating for 10 YEARS!! A whole decade!! How can you work something out with such a stranger who had no concern of hurting you and betraying you for 10 years? Build up some strength and don't waste away your life with a person like that. When you are in 10 year habit, how is there hope for change?

[Chump64]

Good question, Guest, and that's what we are both trying to sort out. I am optimistic but I'm not naive and I'm not 100 percent sure things will work.