Allegrokw Posted February 6, 2006 Share Posted February 6, 2006 I posted before about ending my relationship of 3 years with MM. I have ups and downs, but it seems like it's getting worse. I think of him all of the time and get so sad at the ending of our R. I saw a mutual friend of ours today and couldn't speak without crying. I am so emotional. When I split from my ex husband, I didn't feel as bad as I do now. I am trying to do all of the "right things" like staying busy, seeing girlfriends, etc.,,but the truth is that I am in so much pain over this that I can't even function well or have a normal conversation with anyone. I try to put on a masquerade so that I don't appear to be an emotional wreck in public, but I can't always hold it together. Even though I know that I did the right thing by ending it, I can't stand the pain. We saw each other for 3 years... out in the open (he separated from his W) and were together almost every day. Now Nothing. It feels like flesh being ripped from bone. Is there anyway to stop the pain? Why is this so much harder than my divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted February 6, 2006 Share Posted February 6, 2006 I posted before about ending my relationship of 3 years with MM. I have ups and downs, but it seems like it's getting worse. I think of him all of the time and get so sad at the ending of our R. I saw a mutual friend of ours today and couldn't speak without crying. I am so emotional. When I split from my ex husband, I didn't feel as bad as I do now. I am trying to do all of the "right things" like staying busy, seeing girlfriends, etc.,,but the truth is that I am in so much pain over this that I can't even function well or have a normal conversation with anyone. I try to put on a masquerade so that I don't appear to be an emotional wreck in public, but I can't always hold it together. sounds bad. in my experience the only way to deal with this kind of pain is to just go with it. sink to the very bottom, and allow it to happen. dont expect to feel happy, just let it be. the more you struggle with it, the worse it becomes. Even though I know that I did the right thing by ending it, I can't stand the pain. We saw each other for 3 years... out in the open (he separated from his W) and were together almost every day. Now Nothing. It feels like flesh being ripped from bone. during this time, he went back and forth didnt he? this explains why... Why is this so much harder than my divorce? because, there is almost no clean break. you have become used to losing him and then getting back together. it has been an emotional roller coaster of uncertainty. Is there anyway to stop the pain? no, there isnt. however, accepting the pain does help, as i said before. it is the way i always deal with break ups, i accept it and sink to the depths of despair. i have struggled against it in the past and ended up in far worse a state. imagine it as though you are drowning, if you struggle, you sink under. if you let yourself go down, then gradually you will just float back up again naturally. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Allegrokw Posted February 6, 2006 Author Share Posted February 6, 2006 Thanks for your quick response. It's all great advice. Yes, he separated and went back 6 times in 3 years. You are right on about not having a clean break. I still catch myself looking forward to our planned trips, etc. I just feel so empty. I feel like I could cry for a year. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladylay Posted February 6, 2006 Share Posted February 6, 2006 I feel like I could cry for a year. Crying is good, screaming works also. Three years is a long time to give to a relationship. If you were strong enough to be the o/w. You are more than capable of moving forward. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
No Stress Lady Posted February 6, 2006 Share Posted February 6, 2006 accepting the pain does help, as i said before. it is the way i always deal with break ups, i accept it and sink to the depths of despair. i have struggled against it in the past and ended up in far worse a state. imagine it as though you are drowning, if you struggle, you sink under. if you let yourself go down, then gradually you will just float back up again naturally. So well said Newbby - I know EXACTLY what you mean. About 10 years ago I split with a boyfriend and I was devastated - my friends were awesome and put up with my tears and weepy moods, I literally sank into despair for about 3 months, functioning but profoundly unhappy. Then I booked a holiday (still feeling sad that I wasn't going with my boyfriend) - and suddenly. after months of feeling down and miserable, I had what I describe as "a moment of clarity" - from nowhere I had an image of myself bumping along at the bottom of the ocean but suddenly seeing everything around me and the thought just hit me - "the only way now is UP!!!!" - literally in a few moments I felt a million times better - I went on the holiday and from that point on life became fine again. I still thought about my boyfriend but with less and less pain every day - now, 10 years later (and many great guys later!!!), I look at my wonderful fiance and wonder why I even gave that guy a second thought - he was never right for me and it would never have worked out anyway - he wasn't married either. So, Allegrokw, feel the pain but know that it won't last forever and, if things are not meant to be, it's time to shake yourself down and try to see all the amazing things life can offer and focus on being happy in yourself - believe me, it's like a snowball - make yourself happy, without needing a guy to do that for you, and the man of your dreams will find you - maybe not tomorrow but it will happen!!!!! Good luck and remember -you can't make anyone happy until you're happy with yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted February 6, 2006 Share Posted February 6, 2006 thanks no stress lady. its a healthier approach, i find. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Allegrokw Posted February 6, 2006 Author Share Posted February 6, 2006 Thanks so much for the Ocean visuals. Oddly enough, he and I spent many months cruising on his yacht in the Bahamas, the US, etc. I associate the sea and everything I love about it with him. Thinking about being under the ocean never entered my mind, but I can see how strong this image is. I will think about it a lot and try to feel the sense of drowning, and how I know I would survive if it happened to me physically, so I will survive emotionally as well. I'm still in the sinking phase right now... and crying a lot is what I have to do. This forum is so supportive. Wish I knew about it 3 years ago when I got myself into this mess. Thanks so much for all of your support. Feeling the pain really SUCKS. I've never felt this vulnerable before. It's like all of my power was taken away from me, but I know that I GAVE it away. That's the hardest part. I've always thought of myself as being so independent and strong. Now I am the weakest I have ever been. The only strength I have is to stay away from all contact. I messed up by answering my cell yesterday. Shot the better part of my day and I felt worse than before we talked. Didn't get heavy or talk much. He did all of the whining about how much he loves me and wants to "straighten out his head". Wishes that he could make a decision. Well my response was, "You already have". And so have I. Sounded strong, but I was a puddle immediately after we hung up. Think I'll block his calls from now on. Thanks again for all of your concern and sharing. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted February 6, 2006 Share Posted February 6, 2006 thanks no stress lady. its a healthier approach, i find. but for gads sakes, if you like my post, give me a good rep point;) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted February 6, 2006 Share Posted February 6, 2006 i think blocking his calls is a good idea. what reason do you have to speak with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Allegrokw Posted February 6, 2006 Author Share Posted February 6, 2006 Absolutely none except it is a way for me to keep myself attached in some bizarre way. I will block his calls starting NOW! Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted February 6, 2006 Share Posted February 6, 2006 yes, you are trying to stay afloat you see! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Allegrokw Posted February 6, 2006 Author Share Posted February 6, 2006 Thank you very much. Hardly feels that way, but talking with all of you really helps Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted February 6, 2006 Share Posted February 6, 2006 its okay. come and talk whenever you need to. there will usually be somebody around to answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Allegrokw Posted February 6, 2006 Author Share Posted February 6, 2006 That's about the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a long time. Thanks again Link to post Share on other sites
Raven1845 Posted February 6, 2006 Share Posted February 6, 2006 We saw each other for 3 years... out in the open (he separated from his W) and were together almost every day. Hi Allegrokw. First, I'd like to say that I feel for you for the pain you're going through. I, too, am going through the horrendous pain of a break-up right now. I am not able to hold-up in private or public, so I understand the pain you're feeling. I've never been with a married man, I was just reading the new posts and thought I'd add a reply to yours. I have a loved one who was in a relationship with a MM and I've seen the pain she has gone through. I see that you mentioned your MM has separated and gone back to his W 6 times. I'm sorry you've had to go through this. I don't know the background of your relationship, I will look that up, but I was wondering, if he did not go back to his W this time and actually went through with the divorce, would you want him back? Unfortunately, I don't know of any way to stop the pain. I wish I did, so I could help us both. I just hope there is some kind of consolation in knowing that someone else understands the pain you're in. Hang in there. Hugs, Raven Link to post Share on other sites
Author Allegrokw Posted February 7, 2006 Author Share Posted February 7, 2006 Hi Raven - It is so hard to tell whether or not I would go back. Everything in my head tells me no, but my heart is so broken, that I am not sure. I guess that since I know which part of me I am operating from right now (head versus heart), I would probably say no. But the reality of it is that I am deeply in love with him and I would probably go back, even though I know that it wouldn't be the right thing for me. I believe from reading all of the posts that I have found a 100% cakeman. If you havent' read the posts on that, I suggest that you do. They really enlightened me. I thought that I was all alone and suffering uniquely. As I find out that there are so many OW who have gone through the same thing... I mean even the same words, actions, etc. I realize that he really is no different. And all of this time I have felt so special and unique. Well, I am in my own way, but not in terms of the commitment phobic man who wants his cake and eat it too. I am not sure if this relates b/c your man is not a MM, but my exMM is commitment phobic. He never gave his W any kind of emotional commitment, nor me when I look back on it. He was very sincere in his love, but it can only go so far for him. He is just incapable of loving completely, and trusting that 2 together are stronger than 1. I am so sorry for your pain... and mine, but I really believe that if you read the posts on this thread, you will find some insight that will help. I was supposed to go out with friends tonight, but couldn't get it together enough to do anything but cry, feel bad, and hopefully tomorrow will be better. I really feel for you. And all of us that are going through emotional turmoil. I just ordered the movie "Fried Green Tomatoes" with Kathy Bates. Someone told me that it would lift my spirits and give me some hope. Hope it works. I'll let you know. Know that I am thingking of you, even though we don't know each other. We are sisters in this struggle. I hope that you have some peace. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 It is so hard to tell whether or not I would go back. Everything in my head tells me no, but my heart is so broken, that I am not sure. I guess that since I know which part of me I am operating from right now (head versus heart), I would probably say no. But the reality of it is that I am deeply in love with him and I would probably go back, even though I know that it wouldn't be the right thing for me. I feel so bad for you. I hope that you keep your strength to keep yourself together. Going with the pain is a good thing, because pain creates change. Change will keep you from going back and forth like a yo-yo driven by powers out of your control. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Allegrokw Posted February 7, 2006 Author Share Posted February 7, 2006 Thanks silktricks None of you can imagine the strength that you are giving me. I am fighting every moment within myself about calling, trying to connect - to hold on to NOTHING. It is the hardest thing I have ever done - and I hope that I don't sound tragic, because I am not into drama at all. Live a pretty stable life, except for this thing. Gawd, I wish that this never happened. I only want to find myself again, and become whole without this man. He really tore me down. Peace and love to all of you that are keeping me above water. Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 You can count me in ladies...I am in the process of extricating myself from my MM and it is horrific also. I have tried all avenues of letting go and I find that I hurt when his is in my life and I hurt when he is out of my life. Like you ladies, I have a very stable life and career outside of this crazy making relationship. I would never settle for someone single making me crazy like this...it is an absolute conundrum. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted February 7, 2006 Share Posted February 7, 2006 hope youre okay today allegro, and you too walking away, and anybody else who is embarking on nc!! this is just what you all need. you can all support each other through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted February 8, 2006 Share Posted February 8, 2006 Even though we don't know each other, I derive a tremendous amount of strength from reading these posts. Although I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, it is comforting to know that I am not alone. Bless you all for your support for allegro and all of us in the same situation. It is excruciatingly hard even though we know it is best for us in the long run. Keep talking to us...we are paying attention. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Allegrokw Posted February 8, 2006 Author Share Posted February 8, 2006 Well, I woke up okay today. Not sure why, but maybe I'm just not awake enough to feel the pain yet. Just want to thank all of you for being so supportive. It still amazes me how many of us are going through this hell. I sought help through an intuitive healer. Hoping that she can help me to grieve in a healthy way. Will know tomorrow. Stay strong all of you. I'll try to do the same. Link to post Share on other sites
Walking away Posted February 11, 2006 Share Posted February 11, 2006 As one OW who is breaking off the affair, are the days getting easier or harder as you continue with NC? Or is he still trying to contact you, like mine is? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Allegrokw Posted February 12, 2006 Author Share Posted February 12, 2006 Hi Walking Away IT's pretty much up and down. My MM called me yesterday to tell me that he is leaving town. Leaving his W and leaving me. I finally felt relief. I can't really describe it, but I think that I love him so much that I want him to be happy, no matter what he has to do. And he has a whole lot of soul searching, therapy, etc. to go through. The days are getting somewhat easier, I think, But at the mention of him, from any of our mutual friends, I get very teary. I am definitely in the grieving process. I get angry, sad, guilty, etc. Mostly sad now. I think that I am finally letting go, but I go back and forth. When he said that he is leaving, my first thought was "good". Now he will finally see that we are meant to be together. Then a few seconds later, I gave myself that very hard reality check. Toxic thinking. I did something that I have never done before to try to combat those thoughts. I returned a call to a single man who some friends thought that I might like to spend time with. I am meeting him for coffee in about an hour. I'm nowhere near wanting a relationship, but I think it would be nice to sit with someone for an hour who is interested in me, or maybe not, but what the heck. I am very nervous - even sweating - giggle, but I know that it is the right thing to do. I still love my MM very much, But, I know that the right path is to be apart. He is married after all. And, I can't keep going against my belief system anymore. Sorry if this hasn't helped at all, but I am still very confused. All I can say at this point is try to be strong. Yes, they will call and tell us everything we want to hear, but don't forget, they have been doing that forever. Keep writing. If you want to send me email, my address is [email protected]. Would really like to get through this with someone who knows exactly how I feel. Stay strong honey. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted February 12, 2006 Share Posted February 12, 2006 Don't forget to try http://www.gloryb.com/ (especially the 'pink boards') for support in NC and getting to a life post-MM. Best of luck to all of you trying to get over MM. Link to post Share on other sites
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