Who has it worse............

[Wintersbloom]

In reading some of the posts here...I began to ask myself who has it worse...the other man/woman or the spouse/partner.

 

A spouce/partner is in a relationship filled with all kinds of responsibilities.... where their loved one is not faithful...cheating, lying and making all kinds of excuses. Maybe the spouse/partner does not wish to give up the elusion of the happy relationship they are having. Eventually making the faithful person feel as though it is somehow their fault the other has looked elsewhere.

 

 

The OW/OM is in a relationship filled with fun, excitement, and no responsibilities...where they’re loved one is not honest about his/her commitment and intentions regarding the relationship. Maybe there is an evil pleasure in being able to steal or rescue a man/woman from another partner. But, this may only last until one relises the prize is not worth the work. There are all kinds of excuses as to why it is not a good time to leave, or how leaving would be too much of a financial burden. Eventually making the ow/om feel as though they are selfish to ask for a commitment, or even accused of being like the evil spouse/partner for suggesting it. The ow/om may not wish to lose this "fantasy" of their happy relationship. Once again it is somehow their own fault their partner is not able to commit, to be faithful or even a full equal partner in the relationship.

 

So............which is worse...........in both cases.... we have less than half of a relationship. Baby's smiling and family vacations are wonderful. But, so are un-inhibited get-aways, filled with lust and no expectations. Just fun. This is great.but for how long before we wish there was more of a relationship?

 

I tend to think, the only partner ..........getting what they want.... but definatly do not deserve it..is the one who is cheating/lying and manipulating the emotions of those who ...risk loving him/her.

 

What are your thoughts? Feelings???

[No Stress Lady]

There are soooo many scenarios out there that it's impossible to really offer a definitive opinion. You'd have to look at each specific affair. Everyone becomes involved in affairs for different reasons so I'm not going to attempt to justify or condone or condemn affairs or the situations that seem to arise from them but these are my thoughts on a couple of notional scenarios - I'll just assume MM/OW in this case rather than vice versa:

 

An OW who accepts from outset that the MM is always going to be unavailable and has a strong focus on her own happiness can have a happy relationship with MM - but based firmly on his acceptance that she is her own woman and is emotionally and physically NOT DEPENDENT on him. He should respect that she is ultimately as unavailable as he is and she should respect from outset the fact that he has responsibilities to his wife and family and assume that they will always be his first priority. This maybe sounds contradictory but I'm trying to say that a kind of "equality in unavailabilty" has to be there. In this scenario the OW will have more respect from MM and will maybe experience more of the "un-inhibited get-aways, filled with lust and no expectations" scenarios you describe. Maybe, in an arena filled with terms of "dishonesty, cheating, lying, deceiving" this is one of the more honest scenarios - honest, that is, between the MM and OW.

 

The flip side of this is where the OW becomes heavily emotionally reliant on MM and begins to set herself up for heartbreak, frustration, jealousy, rage and disappointment. She wastes months, maybe years waiting for someone who may never ever leave his wife and in the meantime closes the door on any single men who may be in a position to give her what she truly wants. This may well due to her believing everything the MM promises even though he may be simply lying or stalling - either way it's not healthy and he's lying to OW and BS and maybe even himself too. Not good.

 

Moving on to the MM who does leave his wife (or gets thrown out by her!!!!!) - well I think that often it is the excitement of the affair itself that is a big part of the overall attraction and I would guess that many MM end up realising that the grass really isn't greener on the other side - and there are probably many OW who end up wondering why they went through all that stress and drama for someone who maybe isn't the "prize", as you put it, that they expected!!!! I think also that the feelings of guilt that each party may be experiencing can't possibly be healthy as a basis for a fresh start. I can't see how anyone can fail to feel guilty about an abandoned spouse in the background even if she and MM did have an unhappy relationship.

 

Of course there are situations where MM leaves wife and everything works out - I also know that there may be specific situations such as family tragedy, illness etc that maybe keep a MM there because he genuinely feels he cannot leave spouse. But surely OW has to see and accept this and not fool herself into believing that he will leave....one day....

 

As far as the spouse goes - well yes, maybe her domestic arrangements are a priority over her husbands needs - that may well be a major contributing factor to affairs. If you allow yourself to become oblivious to your partner's emotional and physical needs then you're asking for trouble. As some other posters have said elsewhere, everyone continues to grow and develop through life and if the wife and husband don't acknowledge this they'll have problems eventually and maybe one of them will stray.

 

This post could ramble on forever but to sum up - I think that the self assured and non-dependent OW can be happy - the MM who is honest about his situation to OW and is generally content at home can be happy. I don't really see how a BS ever benefits unless she can genuinely turn a blind eye knowing that her husband has no intention of leaving - if she and her husband have become friends but not lovers but still have a strong affection for each other then maybe she can accept her husband having an affair but only on the basis that he ultimately wishes and promises to stay with her.

 

It's all way too complex!!!!!!!

[Malifecent]

I am an OW (he's separated now but it's still very new) and I know how bad it sucks.....really bad. However I agreed to it, and knew I would not have him to myself while he was married. The BS doesn't have that option....they don't get to say "yes lets do this" or "no lets not". They don't usually find out until the damage has been done. So as much as I don't like being the OW, personally I think it would be worse to be the BS. At least the OW gets the choice...

[sylviaguardian]

I know you gals get bashed by the BS a lot and probably don't have much sympathy for them but here's the deal. My husband had an affair and I do feel a bit sorry for the OW because I know her marriage wasn't good and hadn't been good for years. Until all this happened I had no idea that people who were married could still feel so unbearably lonely and worthless. When my husband finished it with her she said she felt used and I can see why. By spending time with her, supporting her etc he was kind of promising her something that he had no intention of seeing through. When the chips were down he did just dump her. He told me he had no problem with it because she knew what she was doing (note I take everything that he says with a pinch of salt!).

 

As for me...well, I know some of you will not believe this, I know, but I had no idea that anything was wrong. I really didn't. My husband acted just the same way at home as he always did. When I found out, you're right I had no choice in anything that happened. I felt like my life had been taken away from me. Everything I had ever believed in turned out to be a lie. All the memories I have of that time are tainted. I couldn't believe that I had been so stupid and naive.

 

At least the OW has some idea what is going on. I had none and now I have to revise my whole thinking to cover am I a bad judge of character? Am I stupid and naive? Am I as worthless as I feel?

 

I am sure that the OW feel just the same things. But I also have children who have suffered because of this and that hurts me more than anything.

 

It's all so pointless.

[Sami_D]

I think, as No Stress Lady said at the beginning of her post, that there are so many scenarios, so many variations of personalities caught in each of the roles of 'an Affair', that answering such an open question is very difficult.

 

I am an OW (he's separated now but it's still very new) and I know how bad it sucks.....really bad. However I agreed to it, and knew I would not have him to myself while he was married. The BS doesn't have that option....they don't get to say "yes lets do this" or "no lets not". They don't usually find out until the damage has been done. So as much as I don't like being the OW, personally I think it would be worse to be the BS. At least the OW gets the choice...

 

I have to agree with this, as another OW. At least I have the choice. At least I KNOW my position, even if I cannot be sure of the future, even if I can't control the situation (other than walking away). I have always been aware that there is another woman (his W). My pain is in knowing he's sleeping next to her. Her pain will (may... if he leaves, if she ever finds out) come later, realising that all this time he was with me.

 

At least the OW has some idea what is going on. I had none and now I have to revise my whole thinking to cover am I a bad judge of character? Am I stupid and naive? Am I as worthless as I feel?

 

This is such a terrible feeling, a terrible mental thing to have to deal with. Such a lot of doubt, reassessment. And (quite possibly) future trust issues. That is a lot of damage, and none of it was entered into in full knowledge of the possibilities (not that the OW is often aware of what will happen to her mental state, either).

 

On the other hand, the degree of pain felt by OW I've read about here and elsewhere who ended up sobbing on the floor when the MM suddenly decided she wasn't worth any future investment must of course be huge. And the problem is the same... the reassessment of his words and actions. The feeling that you've been lied to, misled, and ultimately discarded as rubbish.

 

So which is worse..? I don't know. I think to an extent it has to depend on the personalities involved. Myself, I couldn't cope with betrayal. So I believe that in general terms the BS suffers the ultimate body-blow.

[ReluctantRomeo]

The BS has it worse. As has already been noted, the OW/OM knows what's going on and has an element of choice in the situation.

 

Having said that, I don't have the impression that the position of the OW/OM is satisfactory either. Looking from the outside, I think the situation is set up entirely for the benefit of the cakeman/woman. Meeting anyone elses needs is a secondary consideration.

[sylviaguardian]

The BS has it worse. As has already been noted, the OW/OM knows what's going on and has an element of choice in the situation.

 

Having said that, I don't have the impression that the position of the OW/OM is satisfactory either. Looking from the outside, I think the situation is set up entirely for the benefit of the cakeman/woman. Meeting anyone elses needs is a secondary consideration.

 

So true. The cakeman/woman is the only who really knows what it going on most of the time. The OW/OM and the BS only get a part of the truth each.

[mopar crazy]

I can't really answer for all BS or OW out there but I have been on both sides of the fence, the OW (man in a CR) and a BS. The pain I felt as a BS was a million times worse than what I went through being the OW.

 

I know my H's exOW didn't go through the pain that I did. She was dating a new guy w/in a week after H broke it off w/ her and was happy. She even had to rub H's nose in it that she had a date.

[Sami_D]

I know my H's exOW didn't go through the pain that I did. She was dating a new guy w/in a week after H broke it off w/ her and was happy. She even had to rub H's nose in it that she had a date.

 

Well that is one good example of how there are many different aspects to the A scenario. There is AT LEAST one OW here on this forum right now who is nowhere near being in that position. I would say that was very, very UNUSUAL.

 

At the same time, there are many BS who don't realise they were in any 'danger' whatsoever... because the WS or the OW decided to quietly end it and the BS was never caused any pain.

 

And there are also some situations in which the OW remains well into the background until the D is over and done with because it is better for the children, and financially for the H.

 

And all through that, the OW was carrying all the worry. And the ex-W never knew a thing. Who was feeling the most pain then..?

 

Different situations.

[My_Other_I]

Before discovery: the OW (hopes)

After discovery: the H and the W (the H deals with the consequences, the W deals with the pain - hard work follows, etc.) The OW goes through the pain but is free to go on with her life. The H and W have a lot of work ahead of them. Not a bad thing, but painful and long.

 

But again, there are many different types of A, different emotional investments, different people. It probably varies with each individual situation.

[another opinion]

At the same time, there are many BS who don't realise they were in any 'danger' whatsoever... because the WS or the OW decided to quietly end it and the BS was never caused any pain.

 

And there are also some situations in which the OW remains well into the background until the D is over and done with because it is better for the children, and financially for the H.

 

And all through that, the OW was carrying all the worry. And the ex-W never knew a thing. Who was feeling the most pain then..?

 

Different situations.

 

This is not strictly true. Many times the BS may not know explicitly that an affair is going on, but knows quite well that "something" is wrong. It creates a wedge, distance, silence, alters the chemistry of the marriage at a very deep level.

 

As a result, the BS has suspicions, pain, worry, and may even gently confront (without wanting to alienate his/her partner) but doesn't get the truth and consequently also worries whether s/he has lost it/is paranoid.

 

Even if it eventually ends and the WS returns and tries to work on the marriage, I think it's rare that an affair, whether or not the BS ever learns the actual truth, doesn't do damage, one way or another.

[Wintersbloom]

Thank you for all of your posts. Everyone has a different perspective so it's great to hear from other points of view. It's great to be able to discuss this and other issues without judgment or imposing our own morals upon others. One common theme I noticed, was that a few thought the unsuspecting partner (BS?) Has it worse. I can see what you are saying as they do not "know" they are in a triangle. That's true; they don't realize they are in "competition" with another woman/man either. Which is terrible in one way, they may take their partner for granted and may be under their partner's microscope while he/she looks for things to justify cheating/leaving without realizing it. So, while the OW/OM knows they are in a relationship with a "taken" man/woman, they must also realize, they must be more exciting, more sexually pleasing, and must do none of the things that have "driven this man/woman into the arms of another". While I would be enjoying the fun, sex, adventure of sneaking around, & even listening to him/her bash his life with his partner...in the back of my mind, I might be wondering if I am keeping things heated up enough, if am making certain I am not "doing anything" that may drive him away, that I feel I must keep a stress free environment, & that I must keep any requests for time or attention to a minimum lest I be accused of "nagging". I may wonder, as I sat listening to him/her tell me of his horrible home life, even if I know I am nothing like the man/woman he is describing...if some day..........we may be together.... and he is doing the same thing to a new OM/OW. One common complaint of cheaters about their partner is that for some reason they do not “trust me” or if they truly loved me they would have faith in me and wouldn’t ask me questions. Hmm…I know I would be thinking, this partner may have reason not to trust and if I am ever in a relationship with him/her I know if I ask questions or try to talk about my needs, this may very well be justification for my “prize” to cheat on me. I appreciate how difficult it is on both. It irritates me to see how many posts by cheaters...."how to get away with anything", bragging about how they are fooling thier partner while keeping the OW/OM from asking too much or even refusing a sexual favor lest they risk "losing him/her". (I am trying to be neutral here, so plz do not feel you have defend your partner, the bragging about hurting other's feelings and controlling them struck a nerve with me) In reading the posts here and from life, I know there are cases when a man/woman cheats once and the couples get back together, all is "well". OR, a man/woman cheats and leaves his partner for the new love, and all is "well". In listening to the thoughts of OW/OM as well as those of the unsuspecting partner.........It occurs to me, in many cases, both the partner & the OW/OM are as emotionally involved and often times hurt. It seems as though, perhaps too much of the "control" over the relationship and over who gets hurt, lies in the hands of cheating partner. The OW/OM and the unsuspecting partner are both "fighting for a relationship" with perhaps someone who does not deserve that king of love, loyalty and commitment. Why do we love someone who is unable or unwilling to love us the way we DESERVE to be loved??????

[Wintersbloom]

P.S. Seriously, your ideas here would be appreciated.

A. What advice would you gives to a man/woman (anyone) who asked you, what could I do to keep my partner happy?

Abhor do I keep him from wanting to/needing to be with another man/woman?

Cowpat would tip you off that your partner was lying/cheating on you and what advice would you give your best friend or follow yourself if you suspected it?

 

Thank you for your thoughts.

[silktricks]

The BS has it worse. As has already been noted, the OW/OM knows what's going on and has an element of choice in the situation.

 

Having said that, I don't have the impression that the position of the OW/OM is satisfactory either. Looking from the outside, I think the situation is set up entirely for the benefit of the cakeman/woman. Meeting anyone elses needs is a secondary consideration.

 

Even this is probably not 100%. The MM/MW is probably quite unhappy as well.

[incognito]

In reading some of the posts here...I began to ask myself who has it worse...the other man/woman or the spouse/partner.

 

A spouce/partner is in a relationship filled with all kinds of responsibilities.... where their loved one is not faithful...cheating, lying and making all kinds of excuses. Maybe the spouse/partner does not wish to give up the elusion of the happy relationship they are having. Eventually making the faithful person feel as though it is somehow their fault the other has looked elsewhere.

 

 

The OW/OM is in a relationship filled with fun, excitement, and no responsibilities...where they’re loved one is not honest about his/her commitment and intentions regarding the relationship.

 

Well...I was the other woman, unknowingly, and I gotta say, it wasn't all about fun and excitement. There was a hell of a lot of fighting, emotional upheaval, and roller coaster rides, all in the name of getting closer together. I feel like I was the spouse/partner minus the responsibilities of living together. Looks like I got gyped on that too!!!

[serial muse]

I began to ask myself who has it worse...the other man/woman or the spouse/partner.

 

I understand your underlying point (that nobody "wins" but the MM/MW), but even framing a question such as this makes it into yet another kind of competition - not for who gets the (wo)man, but for who suffers the most.

[Wintersbloom]

My intention was not for any kind of compitition to spring out of this question, rather....simply to address that both sides seem to be hurting.

 

Peace:)

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

I am hesitant to post here because I may have "goaded" a bit on my thread and was bashed by many posters. I am the OW in love with MM. I have to say that I must be feeling worse than the BS because the W doesn't know that her H likes me. Furthermore, her H wants to work on their marriage. We had short passionate moments but she gets him in the end.

[silktricks]

I don't think there is a "worst". Each story, each life has it's own agony. Discussion on who has the most pain is fruitless. Everyone, IMHO, has it bad when in an Affair