Do you think more MM leave their wives than we really think?

[DepressedWaiting]

I recently posted about my situation which took a HUGE turn when his wife found out last week when I accidentally told her everything (long story). This happened last week. MM says I caused chaos for him but that he will still prove me wrong and will divorce and to give him just a couple of months...

 

I told him he can forget I exist unless and until I see actual signed DIVORCE papers. He's says if I feel more comfortable doing no contact until he gets his business taken care of then he will agree to it but that he needs my support now.

 

But I'm wondering... I've heard through my mother's friends at her get togethers of married men who eventually did get divorced even after the affair has gone on for years to be with the OW.

 

I don't know... I guess what I'm grasping for his hope? I just ended it with MM... I wonder if he will prove me wrong. I'm just really depressed... I was wondering if anyone here knows of any situations whereas the MM did divorce? I just needed to hear someting positive for a change.

 

I think it's unlikely anyone here will have anything to post as such...

[Owl]

According to what I've read in a LOT of books, it looks like about 1/3 marriages where one of the partners was involved in an affair end in divorce within 5 years of the discovery.

 

It also appears that about half of those couples re-marry their original spouse within the next few years. Most of this appears to happen within the first couple of years, then it starts to taper off.

 

According to most sources, it looks like it's somewhere <5% of the cases where the WS actually marries the OP...and a (somewhat vague here) large percentage of those (read the stat about re-marrying the spouse) end in divorce within 2 years of this marriage.

 

Not saying you can't beat the odds...but if you want to gamble like that and think you'll win, stick to the lottery. You'd make a good income that way.

 

For sources of this, look at the marriagebuilders website, as well as "The Monogamy Myth" by Peggy Vaughn, and try doing a general search for these stats.

[Sami_D]

Well, it depends how many MM 'people' say leave their W. The standard 'statistic' trotted out is... 3% of Affairs end in the MM and OW getting together afterwards... but... who exactly knows..?

 

Most MM who leave W for OW aren't going to make a song and dance about it, since it may well affect how smoothly the D goes. And who is about to tell researchers that their R begain in such circumstances..?

 

And who knows how many Affairs are going on right now..?

 

There's a site I read (and STILL haven't managed to register on) called gloryb.com. They have a 'Stories' section. Yesterday, by coincidence, I skimmed all the stories posted, and made a note of various pieces of information (yeah, I know... I need to get a life). Anyway, bearing in mind that this is an internet site, for people involved in affairs (and therefore, most likely, the types that aren't going so well, since if it WAS going well... then wouldn't they be out there having fun..?)

 

Anyway. Analysing the info from the stories posted there:

 

81 stories were talking about As that were continuing. (so presumably we have no idea how they will end)

 

32 stories were talking about As that had ended.

 

Of those 32 that had ended, 22 ended in MM and OW not being together. Specifically: 12 ended by OW; 5 ended by MM; 3 ended by mutual agreement; 1 ended by insistence of W; 1 ended by death of MM.

 

And of the 32 that had ended, 9 resulted in MM and OW being together. 6 of which had already D, and 2 had already M the OW.

 

So, it seems that of the As that are reported as already ended, 1 in 3 resulted in MM and OW being together.

 

Check the stories out for yourself. Or manipulate them to your own heart's content (anyone)

[DepressedWaiting]

Oh boy, that was confusing... and I'm already confused enough right now as it is!

 

I've always had problems believing such relationship statistics... who knows. I do know MOST people involved in affairs aren't running to a therapist?... so I guess how they gather their statistics is by going on what they have gathered over the years of people who DO go to therapists and spill the beans.

 

This is what my MM says... he does not want to read such articles and other experiences online and he says that is BS and it is brainwashing me. He wants me to go to a therpist with him in person so the therapist can talk and evaluate both of us. But my MM is an idiot in that case... of course the therapist is going to tell me to have absolutely no conact with him unless he has taken care of business and that this has also gone on for way to long e.t.c.... what on earth else does my MM think a therapist would have to say to him?

 

I wish I could just push a button and forget he exists and this horrible pain would go away, it's just so bad

 

I'm ALMOST tempted to go with him to a therpist... bring ALL of my articles with me... tell the therapist our story... just to have the therapist tell me I am 100% right and he is wrong. What on earth is wrong with him.

[quankanne]

the married men who actually DID divorce their wives DID NOT marry the women they were having the affair with (source: friends who shared about what was going on in their own families). One friend's former father-in-law was in a long-term affair, divorced his wife, left the other woman and married someone else. Then divorced the someone else to go back to his first wife.

 

my initial thought is that married men who indulge in affairs do so because they feel they have nothing to lose. They lie to their wifes about their lovers, they lie to lovers about their marriage, and they end up getting what they want from the relationship. Should they leave their wives, it doesn't necessarily mean that he is going to settle down with someone he's been in an affair with, since they are free to move about as they wish ...

 

not to depress you further, but why the heck do you want with someone who obviously doesn't value relationships enough to (1) have stayed committed to his marriage or (2) immediately get out of the marriage so his wife wasn't being screwed out of the possibility of a being in a decent relationship?

 

you may love him with every fiber of your being, but do you love yourself enough to know that your smartest move is to walk away from a situation where the odds have been stacked against you from the beginning? Especially knowing that his wife is willing to swallow her pride to keep her marriage going (in reference to the post about her knowing about the affair)?

 

it pains me to read posts from all these women who are lovers of married men when it's glaringly obvious (to me at least) that they're on a dead-end journey, but they still beat themselves up because they cannot get what they most desire – him.

[Sami_D]

 

This is what my MM says... he does not want to read such articles and other experiences online and he says that is BS and it is brainwashing me. He wants me to go to a therpist with him in person so the therapist can talk and evaluate both of us. But my MM is an idiot in that case... of course the therapist is going to tell me to have absolutely no conact with him unless he has taken care of business and that this has also gone on for way to long e.t.c.... what on earth else does my MM think a therapist would have to say to him?

 

...

 

I'm ALMOST tempted to go with him to a therpist... bring ALL of my articles with me... tell the therapist our story... just to have the therapist tell me I am 100% right and he is wrong. What on earth is wrong with him.

 

If MM can organise it... go to the therapist, armed with all your information, and see what is said. What do you have to lose..?

 

FWIW, this is the attitude of my MM... statistics are statistics... and he knows how he feels, and what he wants to do, and what he's planning to do. You know, even if the 3% statistic is correct... that's still a LOT of D ending in the OW and MM getting together.

 

I really think that statistics can be left behind in considering these things. It's not about numbers... it's about actual people. I mean... if you considered ALL the dates and other kinds of Rs people get into... how many of them end in 'happy ever afters'? 3%... or more, or less..?

[Sami_D]

the married men who actually DID divorce their wives DID NOT marry the women they were having the affair with (source: friends who shared about what was going on in their own families)..

 

Well you know what... statistics work better the more people are involved. Otherwise I'd be saying that 100% (of the people I know) involved in Affairs ended up M to the OW. (sample of One = useless).

[Sami_D]

it pains me to read posts from all these women who are lovers of married men when it's glaringly obvious (to me at least) that they're on a dead-end journey, but they still beat themselves up because they cannot get what they most desire – him.

 

Well, things aren't that simple. For one thing, it's not always a dead-end journey. For another, NO relationship is guaranteed an outcome.

 

We meet people, we fall in love, interact, listen, reject... and all dependent on who we are, and what we need and long for at that time.

 

If we could all write out a perfect, untroubled, determined outcome for our loving and living... would ANY of us be on this site..?

[goingforgold]

I think there are more MM leaving their wives for the OW than we think there is.

I was reading a book on infidelity and it said that a lot of wives who stay with men who stray end up getting dumped and the mistress is then married.

 

Might not happen to everyone but i believe there is a few out there. It has happened to my upline whom ii run my business with, he cheated to be with his now wife, 35 years later, happily married and 3 kids, not one of them has cheated since and they're the most romantic couple i know.

[DepressedWaiting]

So you really think I should go to a therapist with my MM? He made me PROMISE him that I would go to a therapist with him once we are together. BUT... he desperately wants me to go to a therapist with him right now.

 

What I am also having great difficulties with is that my MM needs a wake up call. I'm telling you that he seriously thinks that our relationship is unique... and that all this internet and statistics is all BS. He wants us to go to a therapist so that we can be evaluated and heard in person and have OUR situation evaluated... not read about others online or statistics.

 

I have countless number of articles I have... VERY good articles on this subject. I would LOVE to take everything (articles and all) to a therapist with him... tell our story... just to prove him wrong and how ridiculous it is what he is doing.

 

Of course ANY therapist is going to say those artciles are correct and very accurate and that we should absolutely NOT be in cntact unless he is fully divorced.

 

So my MM says these articles is BS... I then ask him... "Ok, so what is not BS, then what do you think is correct?". He tells me it's not so easy financially... that he already told me he is working on it and that I should be more patient with him and work with him instead of CONSTANTLY fighting with him over it and that he has anixety problems and that he cannot work under pressure like this. He told me he is workng his rear off to make things change... selling his very expensive boat (this boat means a lot to him)... selling his mercedes convertible (worth about 20K)... and that he is doing all of this for me. He has told me he is "working on it"... for the past 4 months now. That is ridiculous.

 

He wants to tell his side of the story to a therpist because in his opinion... I'm an impatient witch. It is just sickening. I have been involved with this mess (affair) for about THREE years! It started out as just "fun" for the both of us. I wasn't thinking... I'm an idiot and made a very stupid decision to ever get involved with him. Then things evolved and become serious. By the time I got my "brains" I was too involved and having extreme difficulties letting him go.

 

He told me he would never lie to me because he didn't want to mislead me and that he would ONLY tell me he is going to divorce if he was 100% sure. So he made his decision and told me 4 months ago things would change. He told me he has known this past entire year that he was going to divorce but he never wanted to tell me verbally because he wasnt sure how long it would take him to get out of his marriage because of financial reasons. He also suffered a huge hit on his business last year and went into dept... he had a nervous breakdown last year because of it... major troubles.

 

Basically he wants me to go to a therapist with him so he can say his side of the story. He just does NOT get it. I don't care what the circumstances are... if he really wanted out... he would be divorced by now. This has gone on for way too long.

 

Actually, sorry. He did tell me things would change for certain about 6 months ago... not 4 months ago. But for the past year and a half he has told me he wants to end his marriage and wants out... then his business troubles started... the year went by so fast it's just unbelievable.

[DepressedWaiting]

I just realized something. I now see why my MM wants me to go to a therapist with him and why he is saying these articles and statistics are BS. He wants to tell his side of the story to a therapist because he REALLY 100% without a doubt thinks that his EXCUSE for not divorcing yet is a VALID excuse. He seriously thinks that when he divorces he will lose everything and will have to start over or might never recover financially. He says he has come to terms with this and that he will divorce... however to please give him a little more tme to get his game plan together.

 

The above is what he is trying to get me to understand... whilst what I am trying to make HIM understand is that there is NO valid excuse!!! This has now gone on for way way too long and it has passed the point of ridiculous and that he is a cakeman... trying to keep his comfortable life together and srtinging me along. He adamentally denies this and does not want to hear me talking like that because it is wrong.

 

He really thinks he has a valid excuse for still being in this situation and wants to tell his side of the story to a therapist. I mean seriously... get real. It is just absurd. There is NO excuse! If his money is really so damned important to him then he can keep it and lose me instead. It's disgusting that he thinks his EXCUSE for not being divorced yet is a VALID one and that it should be a VALID one to ME as well and thinks some therapist is going to agree with him?

 

He is a cakeman! I don't care what he says... if it walks like a duck... talks like a duck... it's a damn DUCK!!!

 

I'm starting to make up my mind that I will go to the therapist with him. Does anyone else here see what I'm saying?

 

I would feel so much better if I just got admission from him and was acknowleged. That he knows what he is doing is an excuse... an EXCUSE and that there is NO valid excuse... that's why it's called an "excuse".