crazyabouthim Posted December 3, 2005 Share Posted December 3, 2005 I'm hoping to get some advice on a situation I never dreamed I get myself into. I'm 45 years old, have been very happily married (2nd marriage) for 12 years to a wonderful man. We have a good sex life, no money problems or children. We've become comfortable over the last 5 years and our communication with each other has dwindled. He is a very good husband and treats me like a queen. One note: I travel a lot due to my job. One year ago, a new man starting working with us. He's very funny, we share a lot of interests and we made a connection right from the get go. He's 53 and happily married too. During one of our travel trips last April we went out for my 45th birthday, drank alittle too much and ended up kissing briefly that night and I was hooked. From that point on I couldn't get him out of my thoughts - I must be nuts! A month went by and I let him know about these thoughts I've been having. He told me that he's been feeling the same way but that he never has and never could cheat on his wife. As the time we spend together has increased and our trips out of town have also increased we have come to the conclusion that you can have more than one soul mate in this life. 2 months ago we crossed over the line and were together physically drawing the line at intercourse. This past week while we were on another business trip we crossed that line and admitted to each other than we were in love and that both of us were still in love with our spouses as well. We made the decision that we must end things. He thinks we can still be friends, just stop the physical part of our relationship but I don't know if that will work? Does anyone out there have any thoughts on this and what's the best way to handle this? I love this man, think about him constantly and know this can only have a negative affect on my marriage and his. I don't want to stop being his friend but I don't think my heart can let go if I don't. I've lost all sense of logic when it comes to him - he's in my heart and I don't know how to get him out. Please help. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted December 3, 2005 Share Posted December 3, 2005 Take a job that requires less travel (and less him). Otherwise your marriage is history. Link to post Share on other sites
travellingman Posted December 3, 2005 Share Posted December 3, 2005 You've both agreed to end it. If this was going to go anywhere, you'd both need to be willing to sacrifice something to be together, which it doesn't seem like you are. And there has to be something between marrying him and no contact that you could both live with, and I don't see what this is here. I've made other posts about this, but professionals close in age are often attracted to each other, and have great relationships because they have so much in common and are usually doing more for each other than just filling some unmet sexual need. But it's so unexpected that no matter how old you are, it never gets easier to deal with. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted December 3, 2005 Share Posted December 3, 2005 You state that you're happy in your marraige but the communication has dwindled down. Thats not uncommon and probabaly explains why you feel the way you do about this other guy. Hes providing something for you that you're not getting at home. You also said this other guy is happy in his marraige. Not so, gotta be a problem or something lacking somewhere or he wouldn't be hanging with you. If communication is the only thing you think is lacking this is something that is a fixable situation. It all depends on what you want though. If your husband makes you happy in all other areas but the communication part, then you need to COMMUNICATE that to him. Have a heart to heart with him. let him know how you feel on the matter. Lack of communication is a big factor in any relationship. If you want to work on things in your marriage, you will have to cut all contact with this other guy. Its all up to you in what you feel you need/want to do. Jade Link to post Share on other sites
Author crazyabouthim Posted December 3, 2005 Author Share Posted December 3, 2005 Thanks for responding travellingman. You are right about us both being professionals and sharing things about our work that we really can't with our spouses on the same level. It really goes beyond work as well - we share many other things that our spouses do not share with us either. We also spend more time together during heavy travel than we do with our spouses. I can't say I haven't flirted with the idea of leaving my marriage for him, but I would never bring that up. I love him enough to let him go - besides I have some wonderful memories I can carry with me.....along with a lifetime of longing for him. I'm just hoping that time will help to fade my love and desires. He has asked me several times if there is anyway we can continue this relationship anyway, but we both know it cannot go anywhere. Neither of us wants to hurt our spouses - they are the innocent parties in all this and they have done nothing to cause this to happen. We both know if we were single, we would be together but that isn't the way life has worked out. His recurring line is: "It is what it is". It's just so hard - I love him and I light up whenever I'm with him. I know you're right and we have to end this because the longer it continues the harder it will be for both of us. We've made that decision, I just hope we can live up to it especially for your spouses sake. I know what you're saying too, westernxer. I just don't think I will get another job - I love what I'm doing. I can reduce the amount of travel I do with MM so that's what I'll make sure is scheduled in the future. Fortunately, we are headquartered in different states. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I appreciate you both. Link to post Share on other sites
travellingman Posted December 3, 2005 Share Posted December 3, 2005 It's just so hard - I love him and I light up whenever I'm with him. I know you're right and we have to end this because the longer it continues the harder it will be for both of us. We've made that decision, I just hope we can live up to it especially for your spouses sake. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I appreciate you both. Thank you for posting. I'd just like to add that it's harder to get over these things like one would an old boyfriend or girlfriend. I wish you the best. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crazyabouthim Posted December 3, 2005 Author Share Posted December 3, 2005 Thanks for responding JadeStar. I think there are several problems for me: (1) The communication is much better with MM obviously (2) The sex is incredible - like nothing I've ever experienced (3) MM is very outgoing like me, my husband is very introverted - a loner type. I'm always laughing with him. Not that those are excuses to continue this relationship, just reasons it will be so hard for me now that's it's over. I've tried to talk to my husband about the communication thing and he doesn't think there's a problem. He basically tells me this is the way it's always been and cannot see that's anything has changed. Again, thank you for taking the time to respond. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crazyabouthim Posted December 3, 2005 Author Share Posted December 3, 2005 Travellingman have you been in the same situation? If so, how did you cope? Again, thank you for taking the time to respond. Link to post Share on other sites
JadeStar Posted December 3, 2005 Share Posted December 3, 2005 No problem hope all works out. Link to post Share on other sites
travellingman Posted December 3, 2005 Share Posted December 3, 2005 Travellingman have you been in the same situation? If so, how did you cope? Again, thank you for taking the time to respond. Don't want to bore everyone with my story, but if you're going to still be working with him, it's going to be difficult. Expecting time to fade the memories works when you've had an office sex fling, but not when you're really into someone emotionally. You've got to ask yourself do you love him more than your husband? Does he love you more than he does his wife? If so, what's keeping you apart? Inconvenience? his kids? Don't want to oversimplify this either. I'm sure there's things about your husband you'd miss if something were to happen. But at least for me, I know a lot of married people, but only a handful who really enjoy each other's company, and are always doing interesting things together. One silver lining in all this. When you really care about one person like this, I find that you stop caring what everyone else thinks, and can become very effective at dealing with other people at work. Link to post Share on other sites
sylviaguardian Posted December 4, 2005 Share Posted December 4, 2005 Thanks for responding JadeStar. I think there are several problems for me: (1) The communication is much better with MM obviously (2) The sex is incredible - like nothing I've ever experienced (3) MM is very outgoing like me, my husband is very introverted - a loner type. I'm always laughing with him. QUOTE] Well, one thing that your husband has, that this guy does not, is that he is faithful to his wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted December 4, 2005 Share Posted December 4, 2005 Well, one thing that your husband has, that this guy does not, is that he is faithful to his wife. Well we don't know that. H could be unfaithful too. All we can say is that the other guy isn't. crazyabout him says: "I've tried to talk to my husband about the communication thing and he doesn't think there's a problem. He basically tells me this is the way it's always been and cannot see that's anything has changed." She's told her husband she's unhappy with the communication problem, and he's brushed her off. That's no way to ensure a continued happy M (imho). Link to post Share on other sites
opheliaapplegate Posted December 11, 2005 Share Posted December 11, 2005 It will be difficult to let the relationship go because you have connected so emotionally - believe me you are doing the right thing even though it may not feel like you are - i am in exactly the same situation like so many of us here please take care - Link to post Share on other sites
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