Nothing works!!! Now what???

[cherrie498]

What do you do when nothing works.

 

Me & my MM have tried NC, it just doesn’t work. One of us always gives in & the other never rejects the other.

 

We have tried living together, the stress kills us.

 

We have tried having an "simple" A- attempting to remove all feelings & carry on our other lives & keep each other.

 

So what do we do???

[Owl]

Easy...next time you decide to try NC....tell his wife about the two of you. Give her the whole story, upfront and as honest as you can possible be.

 

It's 90% likely that he'll end up working on his marriage anyway, and one of the immediate steps that his wife will take will be to insist that he break off contact with you. And SHE will be watching out then, so it should make it MUCH harder for contact to resume.

 

Grieve for the end of your relationship, and when the time is right, go find someone who's WORTHY of you...someone that you don't have to have these kinds of issues with.

[goingforgold]

if nothing is working to keep you apart, why cant he leave his wife and be with you?

[Sami_D]

 

So what do we do???

 

Well, what is it exactly that you're trying to achieve..?

[cherrie498]

Owl: The W know she is 110% aware of the situation. She doesnt like it but puts up with it.

 

Mandy: We have tried that. W goes crazy- yes expected but the guilt & stress of our situation become unbareable & we give up.....to only say months later coulda/woulda/shoulda stuck it out.

 

Sami: I dont know. The guilt overwhelms me when we are together. we have a miserable time when there is NC. & there is too many feeling to have an A

I dont know what I want....besides a happily ever after?!?!?!

[whichwayisup]

SO, basically this guy is stringing along TWO women and both of you are putting up with it.

 

Either way, he has to s*** or get off the pot. It's a very cruel thing to do, he KNOWS his wife knows about you two, yet he is still with her. You love him and want him...he knows that too...Yet, somehow in this painful mess, he just keeps things as they are. Sounds like a real wonderful guy...

[Sami_D]

Happy ever after... for everyone..? I am sure he can keep that in the air with his evident talents (given that you both know about the other and are equally happy/not happy with the situation).

 

Is it really about YOU TWO getting together... or about a juggling act involving a M and two women...?

[cherrie498]

whichwayisup: your right it is a cruel thing to do. The reality of it is black & white in my mind I know that.

My heart & the feeling that have develpoed over this 3 yr long A is what creates the gray= me feeling stuck & unable to move in any direction.

Latley I have been a complete basket case. I am tired of sitting still. I cant persue anything because I move &

I feel like I am leaving him behind.

I am seeing him later to discuss everything.....seems everytime we never resolve anything though...so 1/2 pointless!!!

 

My newest solution is for him to just move out, not in with me but alone.

His objective is $$$ (the lack of) & if he isnt

with his W & C it is to be w/me so why would he live alone & put a bigger strain on the situation than what is already here.

 

All very stressful & I just want out of this rollercoaster of emotions & chaos!!!!

 

Sami_D: I dont think I understand what you are asking. We/ he never intended on W finding out & when she did 2 yrs ago we tried ending things & have several other times. He isnt tring to hurt anyone I think he feels just as stuck as I do. We started a very unhealthy relationship "innocently" & it has progressed.....but how do you turn something so unhealthy into a healthy, functional, trusting, "normal" relationship???

 

its almost , well it is an addiction causing me to tolerate it.

[Sami_D]

What I'm asking is... Are you two trying to work out a R together ~ as in, a R without the W involved any longer? If she found out two years ago, and he's been with her since then (or at least still M to her?), with her knowing about you... then IS HE actually working With You to make you and him work out... OR... is he juggling you both because it suits him..?

 

You ask:

 

"how do you turn something so unhealthy into a healthy, functional, trusting, "normal" relationship???"

 

And my answer is... that unless he's committed to that goal too, then you can't.

[cherrie498]

Sami: I have never looked at it that way. Of course our conversations imply that he is trying to make a relationship work(sometimes with me & sometimes w/W)But its true the only thing he has mastered is keeping both me a the W content & waiting on the wing. How disgusting.....problem is my feelings come into play & I subconsciously make excuses for him.

 

thanks.

[JayKay]

Sami gave great advice...

 

if he's not committed to turning your relationship into a healthy one, then it never will become one.

 

If he has $$$ trouble, there are many ways to work around that. If that's his main issue, you two could sit down and discuss a budget and come up with strategies to solve the money issue.

 

I don't understand how someone remains in a miserable marriage just because of money. Money comes and goes. Yes, I realize it's necessary to have money to survive, but again...there are ways to handle it!

 

Has he ever talked to a lawyer or an accountant?

 

If he is really serious about moving forward, he needs to start tackling his financial issues head on instead of just complaining about them.

 

If he is not willing to do this, then I think he really doesn't care enough.

[cherrie498]

JayKay, thanks.

 

The $$$ problems are his reasoning behind why he doesnt move out alone. His reasoning for trying to make it work w/his W is his C .....I know one excuse after another.

 

I am just in a tight spot. I know how to get out of it- that being just STOP

but so much easier said than done.

 

we have been in this for about 3 years, the 1st year being wonderful (b/c NOONE knew about it) & the last 2 trying to define it & figure it out.

it has been horrible the ups & downs....I keep asking myself how much do I have to be hurt to realize the OBVIOUS?!?!?!

 

He is a good guy, I do believe that & I think that he, just like me didnt start this to end up here.....one thing lead to another & so on....

[whichwayisup]

He may be a good guy in a sense that he makes you feel good and isn't a malcious person...But he is selfish. He wants to eat his cake and have it too. The thing that you touched on is "how much do you have to be hurt before it becomes obvious?" I think only you know the answer to that. When it is time to say, ENOUGH! YES I love you, but this isn't working out because MY needs are not being met...Cherrie, at some point you will have to decide to walk away because things are going to be as they are for a very long time. You can't control what his wife thinks or what goes on in their marriage. More than likely he is lying to her BIG TIME to keep you around. And I"m sure he's lying to you too.

[Sami_D]

Just going back to your OP:

 

Me & my MM have tried NC, it just doesn’t work. One of us always gives in & the other never rejects the other.?

 

You could try NC again and be absolutely sure to tell him that unless he comes to you with D in progress, you will not respond to him. That will force him to make a decision for himself once and for all. I don't really see another way for you to get out of this situation. What do you think?

[DepressedWaiting]

I wasn't going to post here anymore but I just peeked in here. I'm extremely depressed and going through a similar situation whereas my MM's wife just found out last week. I accidentally told her EVERYTHING (long story).

 

I'm just curious... so his wife found out two years ago? Does she think he ended the affair with you? Does your MM say he wants to work on his marriage or is he telling you that he will 100% without a doubt get divorced? Is his ONLY excuse for not divorcing yet financial?

 

This is just crazy, the more I think about my own situation and more I read about others experiences the SICKER I become!!!

 

If this creep's wife found out two years ago and he's STILL stringing both his wife and you along... you have to leave him. I'm telling you next year December you will be sitting here STILL dealing with this bullsh*t. Sorry for the language... I am now FURIOUS at my MM... he makes me sick.

 

He is still saying that things will work out and that he will prove me wrong and will divorce. But I am DONE unless and until I see siged DIVORCE papers.

[Sami_D]

DW... please keep reading and posting here (and gloryb.com if you feel it has something to offer). Nothing less than reading about these Rs will help you to get perspective on what's happened to you, and what is likely to happen in the future.

 

Glad to see you're still reading.

[DepressedWaiting]

SamiD, yes I wanted to stop posting because it's making me more depressed

But I guess I stumbled back in here. I'm so depressed I can't do anything else right now so I fiqured I'd post.

 

Sorry, I don't mean t hi-jack this thread. What REALLY gets me with my MM is that when I tell him "MM rarely leave their wives for the other women" and that it usally drags out for years. I also told him the most common excuses MM use is either "kids" or "financial". I tell my MM "You fit into the (finanical) excuse group". I showed him MANY... and I mean MANY articles which I printed out and highlighted for him... articles that were about these situations and the usual outcome.

 

He tell me it's BS and that I need to quit brainwashing myself with these internet articles. I don't understand how he can say it's BS when the articles describe HIM and what he has been doing PERFECTLY. So how can he be such a hypacrite to say the articles and everything everyone here is saying to me is BS?

 

He tells me he wants me to go to a therapist with him immediately... and that he wants me and him to sit down and talk to a therpist so that a therapist can see both of us in person, evaluate us and the situation and that THEN he will believe what is being said. I refuse... I tell him when he is divored I most certinaly will see a therapist... otherwise don't waste my time. His he nuts? What the heck does he think a therapist is going to say to him... it should be as obvious to him as it is to me... I just don't get it.

[Sami_D]

Hey DW, I replied to you on another thread, but... If MM wants to go to a therapist, then maybe you should go along to them and see what happens? IF he really has a therapist in mind..?

 

I think it would be a good idea if you made a new thread and stated what's happening now, so we can all get up to date and focus on your story. Otherwise it can get lost in posting here and there.

 

(THIS is also a memo to me to get posting an update on my story, only I know the advice I'm going to get ~ been here so long I can practically give a verbatim account of what each forumer will tell me )

[DepressedWaiting]

SamiD, ok... I'll post what happens with my story. Right now I'm just not sure of anything or what is going to happen. My MM already has a therapist in mind... it's a therapist who he's seen before in the past a year and a half ago when he was telling me he wants out of his marriage. Then his business experienced chaos and he quit going to the therapist because his business gave him a nervous breakdown just about.

[cherrie498]

Still stuck, since last posting I have again tried NC & it just isnt working. The hurt sets in along with the reality of my situation & it just SUCKS!!!!

 

I am now in limbo, me & MM had a bit of an argument yesterday- Christmas.

Our arguments are petty & just plain stupid, when I set back & think of the argument at hand I can plainly see that we (i) choose to pick out petty things to throw a fit over b/c of the anger that I have b/c of this situation.

So instead of damning him for keeping me in limbo, confessing his love to me then driving home to W & C I yell about other things that just do not matter.

I am driving myself crazy!!!!

Why does he do this & why do I allow myself to stay stuck in this??

I really am so confused, why does he continue this A with me? All it is doing is causing hurt & resentment in his marriage to his W & C let alone the resentment it cause between me & MM.....it makes no sense!!!

Me....I stay in it b/c I really do feel like if/when we could ever get a chance that we would be wonderful, I really feel like I am in love with this man.

I do not understand though how we both me & MM can tolerate the others actions, just because the other says words of love?!?!

*** His actions of going home & mine of being violently mean & vindictive.

I am just really confused, I want some type of answer that WORKS.

I know that I am better than this situation, he is too.

[whichwayisup]

So instead of damning him for keeping me in limbo, confessing his love to me then driving home to W & C I yell about other things that just do not matter.

I am driving myself crazy!!!!

Why does he do this & why do I allow myself to stay stuck in this??

I really am so confused, why does he continue this A with me? All it is doing is causing hurt & resentment in his marriage to his W & C let alone the resentment it cause between me & MM.....it makes no sense!!!

Me....I stay in it b/c I really do feel like if/when we could ever get a chance that we would be wonderful, I really feel like I am in love with this man.

I do not understand though how we both me & MM can tolerate the others actions, just because the other says words of love?!?!

*** His actions of going home & mine of being violently mean & vindictive.

I am just really confused, I want some type of answer that WORKS.

I know that I am better than this situation, he is too.

 

It's time to say goodbye to him and move on. Unless you enjoy this rollercoaster ride you're on, you have to END IT completely now.

 

You love him but he is married, will never leave his wife and children. They come first not you. If he was completely head over heels inlove with you he'd end the marriage and be with you...But he isn't. Look for his actions, not his words. His actions are telling you "this is how it's gonna be. You are just the OW, that is all. Take it or leave it." Now, don't you feel like you deserve to be put first? OFcourse you do...It's not ever going to happen with this man...You need to end things, walk away and get on with your life so you can find happiness with someone who will love just you!!

 

You aren't better in this situation, and neither is he. There is too much pain, too much confusion, too many lies and most of all you are getting the short end of the stick. That will not change unless YOU end it.