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What does it mean if you have no remorse??


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I want to feel bad sometimes for seeing a married man and being married but I dont why is this??

I am not a heartless person in other aspects of life, I give to family and friends I help charitable oraganizations, I pray I believe in God and I ask him to help me understand why I make the decisions I make , I beg for understanding, I beg him to show me why this man is in my life.

 

and at the end of the day I do not feel bad for being in love with him. this is the first time I ever experienced love like this EVER, I'm 29 yars old and been married for 9 years my marriage was out of convience, my husband knew this, he is rich and he wanted a hot wife. Over the years we have not respected eachother overall and we do not communicate at all or have sex.

 

I married him 6 weeks after dating, he knw i didnt love him I told him I could grow to though. when I had my son I did love him but not this kind of love I feel for my MM.

 

I felt trapped for so long, and when I moved to this town without my husband and child in tow(for job purposes) and we met it was instant chemistry, and he had been remarried for 1 year and now 2 years later it's so strong, it's not just sex I love him and I want it known but he is married so when i recently told him I made things complicated, but now things seem to be looking ok for us. as time will tell in the next couple of months I wnat him to love me also.

 

My point is why dont I feel bad for cheating?? Why dont I feel bad for his wife, instead I am jealous she has him in her bed at night, and holding this beautiful man?? she gets to see him everyday not me...Am I a greedy selfish bytch?? please explain.

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If you have no remores than you have convinced yourself that there is no wrong in what you are doing. Does that mean there is in fact no wrong in it, no it doesn't. It is no different than people hearing only what they want to hear.

 

One thing to keep in mind is your marriage has run its it course over the 9 years and over that time you have justified your unhappiness and arrived at where you are today. Your OM has only been married for 2 years and my guess no where near the same mental stage as you as far as wanting out. He may very well care for you but because hsi marriage is so new some great sex on the side is not reason enough to leave his wife while as for you, you need much less motivating factors to leave yours.

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I think I asked you this before, in another thread...why don't you want to consider a divorce?

 

I couldn't say for sure why you don't feel remorse...wish I knew. :confused:

 

But I'm going to guess that it's about passive-aggressive anger. The kind where you're in a self-imposed trap and you're angry at the world about it.

 

Basically, it sounds like you're in an unfulfilling marriage that you don't want anymore but you don't know how (or won't try???) to get out of it; you're angry at your husband because you don't love him but for whatever reason (?????) you won't leave him. And at the moment, you probably feel like your problems and unhappiness trump anyone else's --> ergo, no remorse.

 

I don't think it's about being greedy, but I do think it's very selfish and a bit immature. Since you asked.

 

That's my armchair diagnosis. <<shrug>>

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Yes I have asked for a divorce I even have the paperwork filled out but have not filed, I decided to file when he came back from his 2 year trip at this time other things I am working out will be complete and I will be in a better position to not ask for much when I file. I really want out so bad he will not cooperate and I tried several time sin the last 2 months to approach him about it and he is impossible to speak to he thru a rage wen I first sat him down, the second time he did not talk for 2 days, and then 3 weeks ago we argued for 3 hours about it. Basically the only thing holding it up is him leaving the country soon and I think if I just hold off until he returns I will be better off all around. Once he leaves it will more like we arent together anyway, so I guess it is about me being patient at this point.

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Your original question was why do you feel no remorse?

 

 

I think it's because you are angry.

 

 

Anger is a powerful emotion and can cloud other feelings over.

 

I think you are angry because you 'settled' for a convenient marriage and it didn't work. I think you are angry because you haven't had love up until now. I think you are angry because your husband is giving you grief over the divorce.

 

I think that's why you don't feel guilt.

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Wow jay kay that was such an eye opener what you just typed to me. I'm practically in tears. I'm stunned because this is very much true and I never had anyone tell me this.:eek:

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That is what LS is all about. Sometimes hearing words that one isn't ready for, shocks you but it's the best thing for you. Easier to hear from strangers than someone you know.

 

I agree with JK, and I'll add in that maybe you've justified things in your own head so much so you won't allow any sort of negative or guilt feeling in.

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I completely agree with what jaykay has said. I dont know that I particuarly felt much remourse either, I went through stages of it, but not for long. I too was very angry and very very depressed. Also, it really is difficult to feel that you are taking something away from somebody when it seems inevitable that they will end up with the one thing that makes you happy.

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I would like to add, that looking at the marriage objectively now, I can see that it has gone back to the same miserable state it was in before I came along. I really dont see them resolving anything, and I think it is only a matter of time before he finds another ow. What did I ruin?

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LucreziaBorgia

It is too bad you can't objectively know and accept exactly how your MM feels about you. I expect if you did, you wouldn't be so sure about 'being in love'. I don't know that you are running toward this MM for 'love' so much as you are running away from your marriage because you don't feel 'love' in it.

 

You have mapped all of these false wishful-thinking based fantasies onto this MM and have fooled yourself into thinking he will love you one day like you want to be loved. You have this illusion of him in your heart - a glowing, positive, love-suffused, white-knight-who-will-rescue-you, fantasy version of him that simply does not exist. He is nothing but the reflection of your own hopes and dreams. The fact that he is 'famous' no doubt gives you an ego boost that also clouds (or rather, blinds) your judgement.

 

Your posts about this man do not outline a man 'in love'. It outlines a man who treats you horribly - reduces you to interactive porn, and degrades your emotions the second you try to reveal them. A man wanting to f*ck you for two years is just that: simply a man who enjoys f*cking you. There is no potential there. None. No happy ending.

 

The happiest ending you can hope for now, is to divorce your husband and give him a chance to find his own happy ending - and extricate yourself from this MM so that you can begin to find your own happy ending that doesn't involve mistaking what you have with MM for "love".

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I just wanted to add something that has been nagging at me. You mentioned in one of your posts that he can have anyone he wanted. I'm sorry but I don't agree. I don't care how famous or good-looking or charming he is but I believe MOST women would not touch a MM with a ten-foot pole. Am I being naive to think that?

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I think that this site is proof that they would. However speaking for myself and I have got this impression from alot of ow too, I would not have allowed this to happen had I been in a better frame of mind.

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Newb...that's my point. MOST women wouldn't. The women on LS (on OW forum) don't represent MOST women...I don't think most women would go near a MM.

 

This site, is in NO WAY proof that MOST women would be vulnerable to this kind of thing.

 

I hope I made that clearer than I did the first time.

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i still think this forum is proof that lots do, and most of them think they never would. i understand what you are saying though, i just think its more common than people think. all a mm needs is a slightly vulnerable woman, a few good lines and he is away...

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Yes, we agree. Lots do and most don't think they will succumb to it. I just think that it's a very small percentage of the female population who are vulnerable to this. That's why, getting back to my point, I don't think OP is right in saying that this guy can get any woman he wants - only the vulnerable ones.

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I just wanted to add something that has been nagging at me. You mentioned in one of your posts that he can have anyone he wanted. I'm sorry but I don't agree. I don't care how famous or good-looking or charming he is but I believe MOST women would not touch a MM with a ten-foot pole. Am I being naive to think that?

Yes, you are. In matters of love, the heart leads. I'm getting tired of these, "most women," "most OW," comments here. Because where are your statistics to back these statments? Here is the reality. Men do stop loving their wives, yet remain married to them. Same thing with wives. It happens. It happens in the "Best" marriages. Deal with it. You always ask how can the OW be with a cheater? Well, how can the WIFE tolerate being with a cheater? She's the one who thinks she has to have this undying failsafe lifetime contract of guaranteed love... NOT... Understand this, many times the MM goes home out of OBLIGATION, but he sees his lover BECAUSE HE CHOOSES TO. And again, some OW do not care if the MM remains married. They have his love, no matter how much the wife tries to rationalize that it isn't so. Get it?

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Yes, you are. In matters of love, the heart leads. I'm getting tired of these, "most women," "most OW," comments here. Because where are your statistics to back these statments? Here is the reality. Men do stop loving their wives, yet remain married to them. Same thing with wives. It happens. It happens in the "Best" marriages. Deal with it. You always ask how can the OW be with a cheater? Well, how can the WIFE tolerate being with a cheater? She's the one who thinks she has to have this undying failsafe lifetime contract of guaranteed love... NOT... Understand this, many times the MM goes home out of OBLIGATION, but he sees his lover BECAUSE HE CHOOSES TO. And again, some OW do not care if the MM remains married. They have his love, no matter how much the wife tries to rationalize that it isn't so. Get it?

 

YOU'RE the one who doesn't get it, obviously. And I don't know what kind of community or world you live in but in my world, MOST women would NEVER be a OW. If that's normal in your life, well I feel badly for you.

 

Yes, MANY times he goes home out of obligation but not ALL the time...he sees his lover because he CHOOSES to...yeah, agreed - as a piece of meat that he CHOOSES to fvuck...she can be ANYONE for the most part. His W is a person he has an obligation too, that's right...the OW is purely a selfish pleasure for him. The OW has his "love!" WOW, your idea of love and mine are completely different...how sad for you.

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Wow jay kay that was such an eye opener what you just typed to me. I'm practically in tears. I'm stunned because this is very much true and I never had anyone tell me this.:eek:

 

:confused: Er...I thought that I just said that, about it being about your anger. So now you've heard it twice.

 

<<Checks self to see if she's invisible...then shrugs.>> Guess it got lost in me asking about your divorce situation, too.

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Not to hijack the thread, but...

 

Well, how can the WIFE tolerate being with a cheater?

 

...assuming she knows about the affair.

 

Anyhoo. Resume remorse (or lack thereof).

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Not to hijack the thread, but...

 

 

 

...assuming she knows about the affair.

 

Anyhoo. Resume remorse (or lack thereof).

 

Funny!:D :D :D:lmao: :lmao:

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I just wanted to add something that has been nagging at me. You mentioned in one of your posts that he can have anyone he wanted. I'm sorry but I don't agree. I don't care how famous or good-looking or charming he is but I believe MOST women would not touch a MM with a ten-foot pole. Am I being naive to think that?

 

I think you are being naive to think that. I think their are more OW out there than you think. Not alot of people are gonna come up and say 'HI I'm an OW'. So how would you know? She could be your neighbor.. someone you work with, whatever. The point is, I think there're alot of OW out there..

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Well, since the statistics :rolleyes: say that 40% of MM admit to having had an affair at some point, I would say there must be a LOT of women out there who would be the OW.

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  • 3 weeks later...
YOU'RE the one who doesn't get it, obviously. And I don't know what kind of community or world you live in but in my world, MOST women would NEVER be a OW. If that's normal in your life, well I feel badly for you.

Yes, MANY times he goes home out of obligation but not ALL the time...he sees his lover because he CHOOSES to...yeah, agreed - as a piece of meat that he CHOOSES to fvuck...she can be ANYONE for the most part. His W is a person he has an obligation too, that's right...the OW is purely a selfish pleasure for him. The OW has his "love!" WOW, your idea of love and mine are completely different...how sad for you.

You seem to be acting out your hostilities on the OW/OM board. Like it or not, love and sex frequently do go together, and wives should--IMO--place great emphasis on their intimate lives with their spouses if they wish to grow old with these people. (Blecchhh) That's my thought on the "till death do us part" thing, obviously as anyone who's read my "rantings" knows. "A piece of meat that he CHOOSES to fvuck..she can be ANYONE for the most part..." ANYONE BUT HIS WIFE at that point in time, right? Wives, blame yourselves for that. Many times we see wives' comments like the following on forums, "He was JUST using her for SEX!" As though sex is not important to a man. As though a husband can REALLY still love his wife the way she may think/hope he should, while he's having sex with someone else. A man who is having sex with OW has already begun separating from his wife emotionally IMO, and in many cases--with just a little push--he will jump right out of that plane, parachute or not. Coco, Live YOUR Life, please. Do not try to make ME conform to your standards/morals/etc. Because I wont. And try to understand that other people exist in this world who do not share your viewpoints. You are sad for me? You really have no idea who I am, so why do you waste your energies with sarcasm like that? Let me assure you, I live a very delightful and happy life. I spend time with people I love dearly, I have everything I want, I go everywhere--I come from a very privileged background. If you feel uncomfortable knowing there's women like me, that would be your problem. Do you see me here crying about not "having" another person permanently? No, and you wont, because possessing and controlling other people is not something I aspire to. And conforming to others' narrow standards does not interest me. When commenting here, I am attempting to make logical observations about the behavior of OW/OM. Notice I avoid the "MOST WOMEN/MOST HUSBANDS..." proclamations that you are so known for. By the way, Coco, would your "idea of love" include EAs on the computer? Now, THAT'S sad, IMO.

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I think you are being naive to think that. I think their are more OW out there than you think. Not alot of people are gonna come up and say 'HI I'm an OW'. So how would you know? She could be your neighbor.. someone you work with, whatever. The point is, I think there're alot of OW out there..

 

And I think you're mistaken to think that they're running around all over the place. As you said, they're not going to introduce themselves as OW...so you might ask yourself the SAME question..."So how do you know?" We BOTH don't. I'm just taking an educated guess that most people's values don't allow them to "go there."

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You seem to be acting out your hostilities on the OW/OM board. Like it or not, love and sex frequently do go together, and wives should--IMO--place great emphasis on their intimate lives with their spouses if they wish to grow old with these people. (Blecchhh) That's my thought on the "till death do us part" thing, obviously as anyone who's read my "rantings" knows. "A piece of meat that he CHOOSES to fvuck..she can be ANYONE for the most part..." ANYONE BUT HIS WIFE at that point in time, right? Wives, blame yourselves for that. Many times we see wives' comments like the following on forums, "He was JUST using her for SEX!" As though sex is not important to a man. As though a husband can REALLY still love his wife the way she may think/hope he should, while he's having sex with someone else. A man who is having sex with OW has already begun separating from his wife emotionally IMO, and in many cases--with just a little push--he will jump right out of that plane, parachute or not. Coco, Live YOUR Life, please. Do not try to make ME conform to your standards/morals/etc. Because I wont. And try to understand that other people exist in this world who do not share your viewpoints. You are sad for me? You really have no idea who I am, so why do you waste your energies with sarcasm like that? Let me assure you, I live a very delightful and happy life. I spend time with people I love dearly, I have everything I want, I go everywhere--I come from a very privileged background. If you feel uncomfortable knowing there's women like me, that would be your problem. Do you see me here crying about not "having" another person permanently? No, and you wont, because possessing and controlling other people is not something I aspire to. And conforming to others' narrow standards does not interest me. When commenting here, I am attempting to make logical observations about the behavior of OW/OM. Notice I avoid the "MOST WOMEN/MOST HUSBANDS..." proclamations that you are so known for. By the way, Coco, would your "idea of love" include EAs on the computer? Now, THAT'S sad, IMO.

 

Of course not. It was never love, anyway. What I did was very wrong. Some of us can see where we went wrong. Others have no consciense at all and can NEVER see the error of their ways.

 

You make NO logical observations, as you put it. And I don't care WHAT kind of background you come from. I'm upper middle class. So what? What's that have to do with anything?

 

I'm sorry, I just think your views ARE sad. And I doubt you will always find them comforting when you're all alone.

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