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Falling in Love With a Married Man


confusedgirl22

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confusedgirl22

Hi Everyone

 

I've been reading a little and wanted to post a question. I have been emotionally involved with a man who is newly married. He lives 3000 miles away from me and it takes everything in my power not to go see him all the time. I feel like I am falling in love with him - like we have kindred spirits or something and I can't break away. If nothing romantic works out, I want to at least be friends with him. He knows this is wrong and is against it, but he knows we have a deep connection.

 

I feel really alone. I can't really talk to my friends about it. He is significantly older than me, too. Is anyone else feeling this way? Can anyone give me any advice or words of wisdom?

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  • 2 weeks later...
scarletletter

Its funny because I was in your situation earlier this year. You didn't mention how you met or know this person, but I met mine over the internet and then we started instant messaging, phone calls and so on. We were both totally crazy about each other. He even told me that he loved me. He is married and I am too. He had an incredibly guilty conscience and told me that he need to work on his marriage because he kept comparing his wife to me and that was not healthy for them. He was so weak that he could not stop communicating with me. I was so smitten by this man, who was 15 years older than me, that I had seriously thought of going to him. He is in seattle and I am on the east coast. He sent me an email one day that said due to reasons we have discussed before and some new personal ones, I am deleting your name from my messenger and will not contact you again. He told me that he wished me the best, etc. I was devastated and hurt. It took a long time to get over that....but I did. It could have only lead to no good. I treasure our friendship that we had and will always pray that he is happy. It is so much easier to get over someone that you cannot see or touch. It was what it was for a few months, but I am glad that he had to guts to stop it. He was much wiser than me. Good luck.

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confused **hugs** for you. I really feel for what ur going thru. I am in a similar situation, only difference is i am not in love with him yet, but we have that connection you're talking about. He's married and i am not.

 

Everyone here is probably going to "mind bash" you to leave it alone and forget about him, but the truth is if there is something there and u really feel for each other, it will happen sooner or later.

 

Good luck with what you decide, i hope it all works out for you.

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What will 'happen' is that he will string you along for years, promising he really loves you but just can't leave his wife this year because (choose any possible reason) while you sit home alone on holidays and your birthday and all your friends have their own men.

 

And after 5 or 8 or 15 or 30 years, you'll realize you wasted your life settling for crumbs when you should have run from him and found true love and a home with a man of your own.

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Hello confusedgirl.

 

He knows this is wrong and is against it, but he knows we have a deep connection.

 

Well like scarletletter, I met my MM online first too. AND after three months of us debating the rights and wrongs of what we were doing (talking on the phone, basically, but thinking about meeting up) he decided he had to work on his marriage. So we cooled everything right off. It would have been too easy to just drift into something simply because he was feeling dissatisfied with his M at the time we happened to meet.

 

What I'm wondering is, with your MM saying he knows it's wrong, but you have a "deep connection": That's all very well to say, but what is he actually doing..? Are you talking about meeting? Is he concerned that he married the wrong person? Or is he just looking for something on the side so early in his M?

 

Another thing I always wonder about 'deep connections' is... what are they founded on? Is it just that he makes you feel good about yourself (and vice versa), or are they based on something more? Do you share common values, ideas, views about what you want for the future, and so on?

 

Please keep posting and letting us know what's happening with this.

 

(in my situation, we are now seeing each other but he is NOT leaving his W for years because of the children. Because HE wants to be with his kids in his own house, that is. And yes we're very much in love and share a deep connection and all that stuff... )

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What will 'happen' is that he will string you along for years, promising he really loves you but just can't leave his wife this year because (choose any possible reason) while you sit home alone on holidays and your birthday and all your friends have their own men.

 

Yep.

 

And it's up to you whether you want to be a part of that scenario or not. Personally, I do, for the time being. Unlikely as it sounds, this is the best relationship I've ever been in, and the most comfortable I've been with someone. I don't think it's always the case that having your 'own' man is the best way... it all depends on the man and the relationship. It is possible to be happy with someone in very difficult circumstances.

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Yep.

 

And it's up to you whether you want to be a part of that scenario or not. Personally, I do, for the time being. Unlikely as it sounds, this is the best relationship I've ever been in, and the most comfortable I've been with someone. I don't think it's always the case that having your 'own' man is the best way... it all depends on the man and the relationship. It is possible to be happy with someone in very difficult circumstances.

 

Sami, you know I like you personally and I'm not saying this to offend but I think that's the saddest thing i've read on here in a while...the fact that this affair you're in with a married man is the "best relationship I've ever been in." Really sad.:(

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What ever happened to being a decent human being? How can someone think well of herself while schtuping someone else's man?

 

How can I think well of myself when I'm seeing a MM?

 

I suppose I can separate out what I'm doing from what I am. And I realise that there are plenty of people who don't see things that way. Hence all the name-calling that happens on this board.

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Sami, you know I like you personally and I'm not saying this to offend but I think that's the saddest thing i've read on here in a while...the fact that this affair you're in with a married man is the "best relationship I've ever been in." Really sad.:(

 

Yeah I knew when I wrote it that it sounds 'sad'... that's why I said it seemed unbelievable.

 

The reason it's the best relationship I've been in is because of the way we relate as people, rather than the nature of the circumstances. The circumstances are bad. The relationship with him is the best one I've had with any human being.

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It is a relationship but not a normal one. There are SO many things left out. Dinners, family, friends, sharing and growing together...The good stuff is there (sex, companionship, good times) but there is no rocky times, bad moods, putting up with life getting in the way - You CANNOT count the fact he is married - I'm meaning you're missing out Sami. SO much. You're settling for a man who will only give you a tiny bit of what you deserve. Your heart and soul is addicted and loving him - But take a step back and just SEE how much you're missing.

 

I'm sure when it's good IT'S GOOD - But what about those times he isn't with you. NO man is worth that heartache. Love isn't supposed to hurt like that. This goes for anybody involved with a MM. Sami, he makes your heart sing, and you two have connected...But it still comes down to he is married and isn't leaving his wife. Settling for that isn't right. If someone loves you enough they will DO anything and everything possible to be with you the right way - Not this way. He's selfish and leading you on.

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Yeah I knew when I wrote it that it sounds 'sad'... that's why I said it seemed unbelievable.

 

The reason it's the best relationship I've been in is because of the way we relate as people, rather than the nature of the circumstances. The circumstances are bad. The relationship with him is the best one I've had with any human being.

 

I see what you're saying Sami...but that makes it even sadder!:(

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Yes of course we don't have a place together at the moment. But I do know what living with a man is like. It's hard to get to 43 an not have had any live-in relationships, so I know exactly what I'm missing out on... I still wouldn't change what I have with him just for the sake of being with someone else full-time. I'm not saying it will always be the case. I might very well meet someone else that I feel good about. But why end it with MM just because it's 'not right' in all senses that I'd like it to be..?

 

Things we share at the moment... well at the moment we meet in a city where neither of us live, so mutual friends is awkward, but not impossible. He's already met some of my friends, and told his best friend about me. But soon he'll be working much closer to where I am, so things will change then. He'll be staying here in my home during the weeks and be with his family weekends.

 

As for rocky times... I really don't need any more of those just at the moment... We've already been through two break-ups. We've got more than most couples have to argue and be angry and sad about.

 

For the times he's not with me... yes, those are hard. And I'm sure that that aspect of our relationship will not get any easier with time. It will probably be the one thing that makes or breaks it. However, we're always going to have times away from each other until he retires... it's in the nature of his job. But you're right... not living together, and us not being able to be with the One person we really want to be with when things are tough... is bad. That goes for him too.

 

"If someone loves you enough they will DO anything and everything possible to be with you the right way"

 

Well I don't know if that's true... I think that there are things that are more 'important' to consider than romantic love when making life decisions. Though I'd love to believe that just because someone loves you everything is going to fall into place. Do you think that's really true..?

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I see what you're saying Sami...but that makes it even sadder!:(

 

You're not kidding. I try not to think about it to be honest. Whatever happens, this won't be forever. Thanks for caring.

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I hope it's not forever. I hope you force the issue one way or the other - for your own happiness.

 

Yes, I do care. Who wants to see another human being suffer needlessly?

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I hope it's not forever. I hope you force the issue one way or the other - for your own happiness.

 

I hope I'm not going to force the issue purposely. The reason being that I've read a lot on gloryb.com and all that seems to happen if the MM is pushed into something before he's ready is he goes back and forth between the W and OW, taking a hell of a time over getting D and perhaps not doing it at all. To be honest, from reading there I've seen that once the D gets underway it's horribly stressful for all concerned... adding to that by giving ultimatums and forcing things can't be at all helpful.

 

Things will change, however... they will change because everything does eventually. It's entirely possible that this whole thing will run its course and he'll never have left. Maybe I'll meet someone else. Maybe his W will suddenly want to work on the M and it won't be too late (though she's not showing any signs of wanting much to do with him). Anything is possible, I suppose.

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You're so right Sami. I just hope you don't get hurt...no matter what the outcome.

 

I've hurt SO much already during this R. Three months into it when he told me he had to work on his M... I can't even think about that time without feeling sick. We hadn't even met then either.

 

I'd just like to get to a point in this where I'm not feeling pulled all over with emotions and worry and guilt and fears. It's no picnic. And I can't understand people who feel it's going to be fun and exciting to get involved in an affair. I was blind... I just hope other people can avoid this if possible.

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Well, you've probably helped a lot of people with your experience. We are all blind at some point in our lives to certain things. Hopefully, we learn our lessons and don't make the same mistakes again.

 

I do hope you're keeping yourself open to possibly meeting other people. I know you still see him but at least keep your options open. Afterall, he's not being completely exclusive in this relationship.

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Oh yes, I'm definitely open to meeting other people. In fact I just got back from dinner with two hot guys :bunny: ... although one of them is gay and the other one is my ex haha.

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Sami! They don't count! I was all excited for you and then read the rest of it:( Well, I guess that's a start. A gay and an ex! Sheesh...do you have a thing for unavailable men? :p

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A gay and an ex! Sheesh...do you have a thing for unavailable men? :p

 

pmsl... yeah, yeah, yeah... NO I don't! In fact I don't have a thing for either of them :p (which is why one of them is my ex!)

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what's pmsl? I forgot.

 

And yes, I figured out that you don't have a thing for either one of them, that's why I made the comment about the unavailable men!:p

 

Next time I hope you have dinner with an available man! That means, not gay, bisexual, married and/or an ex. Now, there's a TALL order huh?:)

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What ever happened to being a decent human being? How can someone think well of herself while schtuping someone else's man?

 

So what're we bad people? No, most of us are just good people who made a big mistake.. you've made them, I'm sure..

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