Ups and Downs - battling to let go!

[TiredOfWaiting]

Hi All

 

As per the title, I guess today is a bad day.

MM told me we should go our separate ways on Saturday night (via a text message!) and that we could talk again once things were settled with his D, moving out etc.

Still the odd chit-chat email at work, nothing more, but he seems to be doing it out of obligation or guilt, as he sounds very irritated.

 

Finally broke down and asked him today, whether this is the case.

His reply:

 

"with the way you have been putting pressure on me I just get a bad feeling whenever you contact me and I have thought about it even last night, I do not know how to feel positive about our relationship at the moment."

 

I have subsequently asked if he feels our relationship is irrevocably destroyed and that it is best to just accept that and move on, instead of having this "we'll talk in future" thing hanging over my head.

No reply yet.

 

I do NOT put pressure on him, it's just idle chit-chat about work, moto gp, and other common interests.

 

I guess I am battling to accept this rejection, after 3 1/2 years of being told I am the one he loves, wants to be with etc. And more so now that he is going thru with the D, the concept of him being single and "out there", yet we are apart, is difficult to accept, no matter how much he has hurt me in the past.

 

How do I truly let go, embrace the future and move on?

I want to accept the WORST case scenario and then be pleasantly surprise if otherwise happens.

[Guest from Oz]

Having been with a MM for just on 3 years, it's only with the past behind me I can post - and the tears are rolling down my cheeks endlessly as I type.

 

One thing I'll say up front - no matter what I write, you will probably think "but it's different with us". I used to think that, too. I never realised how many women around the entire world are silently and unknowingly keeping me company right now as I deal with the pain that recently happened.

 

A 3rd party told my MM's wife he was seeing me. I thought great! He can finally leave her now.

 

After all, we laughed A LOT together, and shared the same interests, views, deep affection, and many "I love you" 's were exchanged. Regardless of what is unique to any of our own situations - one thing seems to be common... we started off as just friends, he would tell me about his marriage he didn't like, we grew closer for the intimate conversations, and we ended up intimate. Not a day passed that I felt loved, thought of, beautiful, appreciated, funny, nurturing, caring, and like the way women are in the movies ... like someone I thought the world of, thought the world of me, too.

 

That aside, I had tried to end it by saying we had grown closer than I expected and it wasn't enough. I can admit to the many readers of this forum that it was an ultimatum and I really thought the idea of losing me was something he wouldn't ever risk doing. However, by not following through with that threat - when he'd ring me, email me, sms me, etc, saying he was losing his soulmate... he was honing in on the parts of me that were insecure, and he reeled me back in each time. I, essentially, was teaching him HOW to get me back when I'd threaten to leave.. and what a good teacher I was. It worked... over and over and over and over again.

 

Back to his wife finding out. Did he leave her for me? No.

 

Instead, he spent 2 weeks begging her not to leave him... and only in moments of some feeling of retaliation for her exercising her right to say she was leaving him, did he ring me and say he wanted to move in with me. It's 5 weeks since she found out. The first 3 weeks were spent me being his friend to talk to (a luxury I now don't have), his place to know he could run to if needed (a luxury I don't have), a person to vent off steam to (a luxury I don't have) and all the while, there I am - keen as mustard to have him turn up at my front door, suit case in hand. His wife decides to stay. He has nothing but feelings of guilt for what he's done, shame for what everyone now knows he's done, and obligation to stay and make an effort to fix what he broke with her.

 

I, on the other hand, have been emailed daily, phoned from time to time, and am still dealing with how he can stay, yet still keep in contact with me. He is STILL cheating on her... so he doesn't feel bad about what he did inside himself it seems... he just wants to appear that he does because that's what he's expected to do.

 

Only yesterday did I send him an email saying it's over. I took the control of this from him and gave it back to myself. I realise that now, after 5 weeks of no sleep, 7 kgs of weight loss, and spontaneous bouts of tears at all times of the day, that it's the right thing to do... and if you think it's hard - it feels right now completely impossible. If you think it hurts, it feels like my heart is on the floor and the dog is eating it up to crap out on the lawn tomorrow.

 

Like giving up an addiction that made me feel fantastic, it's SO very hard to give it up when I have the choice not to.

 

Right now, I have feelings of anger, denial, expectation with him, blame, shame, guilt, humiliation and most of all, that I will never lose a sense of skeptisism when meeting someone else. I can't be bothered talking to anyone for any reason - I can't even fake polite chit chat. I'm simply not interested in anyone for not being interested in how I feel within myself right now.

 

One more night.. one more night.. that's what I keep thinking is all it will take for me to get past this. But, my brain knows it's not. One more night would only take me 10 steps back.

 

What keeps me moving forward is knowing that I will look back at this time and be proud, and feel empowered, and be wiser for this time of my life. And, it's a fight and a struggle to believe that and not feel it's just trivialising my devastation.

 

My advice to anyone who's seeing a MM and has promises from him of being together one day, and has expectations that you will? Stop waiting for him to prove HE love you. Put yourself to the test and see if YOU love him.

 

End all contact. Ask yourself how you feel 3 months later from the last day of contact... it might take 12 months before you actually do end it.

 

My MM says we can still be friends. Is that the same "we were just friends" he told his wife? I don't think so. I also have a say in that equation and right now - as weak as I feel and with the lack of hope and strength, in my heart, I know it's over.

 

You're asking yourself if you should end it - listen to the message your concience is telling you - that this is not an ideal situation for you and it's what you want long term versus how you feel short term. In the long term - what decision can you make now that will be the best and most truthful outcome for you? Time won't, by itself, take care of things... it's what you do with that time that will.

 

Talking to other people who know how you feel helps - trust me. Anyone know of a good chat room for OW only?