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Unhappily married with a crush on a divorced man who has had a crush on me for years!

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Old 25th August 2005, 10:06 PM   #1
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Unhappily married with a crush on a divorced man who has had a crush on me for years!

hi everyone

I have to talk to someone and I am afraid my married friends won't understand!

I am married but am feeling like I can't stay in the relationship. Been having problems for awhile now! He is grouchy all the time and short tempered. In fact, I hate to see him coming cuz of his mood! I have tried talking to him, but it does no good!

anway, we have had yet ANOTHER big blow up and are giving each other the cold shoulder right now. I told him straight up how I felt about him. He was pretty silent. Maybe he will think.


There is this guy who is divorced and has had a crush on me for years. (Others have told me this for fact!) He comes in my place of work about once a week on Wednesdays. He acts shy around me (but I know he must not be too shy cuz he is divorced cuz he cheated on his wife!)

Anyway, he is shy and always talks small talk to me for just a minute or two and then he is out the door. He really does seem sincerely nervous. I think that is sweet!

He is good looking too and I can't help but find my self attracted to him. I have been for many years but was always so happy with hubby that I never really entertained the idea.

For the last two times he has come in though, he walks by me, he grabs my hand sort of like a handshake but he kind of holds on for a minute too long if you know what I mean. And there are those sparks that seem to fly.

I am confused! I am afraid that I am using all this as a distraction from my unhappiness at home. Is there really any harm in this? What do you think about this guy's behavior? Is he playing the nervous crushee or is that his come on ploy?
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Old 25th August 2005, 10:17 PM   #2
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he's a cheater

You're already in one unhappy relationship - why even waste your thoughts on a man who's a proven cheat - such that his cheating caused the demise of his marriage? Do you want to go from one unhappy situation to another? If so, what on earth for?

You say you were very happy in your marriage for "years" in the past - so why not try to recapture that? Why on earth are some couples so quick to give up on their marriage? It's supposed to be a lifetime commitment - for better or worse, etc.

Why not work with your husband to figure out what his problems are? Is he overstressed from work? Some kind of deep seated resentment toward you? Is he depressed? Nobody said marriage was going to be easy and if it's not working, it takes work and counselling individually and as a couple can help. Do you even want to save your marriage?

Stay far away from a man who's rude enough to cheat on his wife - that should go without saying.
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Old 25th August 2005, 11:08 PM   #3
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It can sometimes feel REALLY overwhelming to deal with a consistantly "grumpy" man. I'm in the 'been there and done that' club on this one.

And it IS sometimes easier to distract yourself with other things....particularly when the problem is vague and undefined. It's alot easier to focus on something new and exciting in your own life, than to figure out what's wrong with someone who's treating you badly.

There are some possible explanations fo your husband's moodiness. One would be midlife crisis. That would depend on his age of course. You can find lots of info online regarding it. Midlife crisis can start as early as the late 30's.

Another would be depression, sometimes that's a by-product of midlife crisis. Sometimes it's due to other health issues. Sometimes it's related to stress. Lots of info on the web about that too.

It could even be that he, himself, is experiencing an extra-marital attraction. Married men are notorious for treating their wives poorly when they are infatuated with another woman. There are the rare ones, who treat her better than order to cover their tracks. Personally, I'd say that was more the exception than the rule though.

All in would probably be better for you and your entire family if you concentrated on solving the mystery of your "grumpy" man, before you make any decisions regarding the marriage itself.

Once you have all the facts. You'll be in a better position to make your choices. It would be a shame to end the marriage if it turns out there could have been a simple solution to the problems....particularly if there are any children involved.
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Old 25th August 2005, 11:40 PM   #4
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I haven't been married for long and it was a disaster overall, but what I've figured out from reading about other couples is that marriages have good and bad phases changing, just like the Roman Empire.

If you've been happy with your hubby for years and now things have changed, it means you have the potential to be happy. To try and work on your marriage would be a wise choice. Cheating is the worst option. It's neither improvement nor breaking up.
Finish one thing then start another. Try marriage counseling or another approach in saving your marriage. Once you're determined to end your marriage, think about other men.

And I am not telling you this to preach you, but because you already have problems and by cheating you would just add some more problems. If your marriage doesn't improve (and it won't if you're resolving problems by cheating) then you should end it anyway, not seek ventilation of your bitterness on aside.
And if things work out with your husband, the guilt might eat you up inside for the rest of your life. Besides, by cheating you may ruin your chances to work successfully on your marriage. Not to mention that you might get some STD and your husband may find out.

It's normal to start thinking of other people when we have problems with our partner, but how we deal with the weakness is what makes us strong or weak.
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