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To those currently in NC or been in NC...


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...is there a magic number of days when all of a sudden, the pain is gone and there is light at the end of the tunnel?

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OP - I wish it worked that way, and I had a good answer. It takes a very long time and I think many here would say they took steps backwards. Stay the course and you will get there much faster.

 

I think when I noticed some change, was when I had done considerable work focusing on me and the issues that led me to think an A was ok. The weight got a bit lighter. By putting all the energy I gave xMM into my family, I missed the fantasy less.

 

I hadn’t seen you updating your other thread and was worried you’d gotten pulled back in or he had made contact. Just remind yourself, if you step back it will hurt far worse this time around. Wishing you peace friend.

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It’s been 6 weeks since the breakup and 5 weeks since I have seen him at work. Last night the thought of the situation still brought tears to my eyes. I think my emotions come from being completely ghosted in a sick way and not from him exactly. I’ve tried to throw myself into the gym and taking my daughter to activities to keep my mind busy. But the second I have alone time it comes back. This place has been helpful and im scheduled to start therapy next week.

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I hadn’t seen you updating your other thread and was worried you’d gotten pulled back in or he had made contact. Just remind yourself, if you step back it will hurt far worse this time around. Wishing you peace friend.

 

I am determined to stick with NC and put this all behind me. I only wish I were over it by now..

Edited by HowToQuit
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The minute you soften or engage with him again, you will have to start all over.

 

Please stay strong and keep your thoughts away from him.

 

Poppy.

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@Abetterme. I just read some of your posts and some of your threads. You are my inspiration. Your insights are amazing.

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@ Poppy47

 

I hope you are in an amazing place right now and are happy. I need to get to this amazing and happy place soon.

 

To be honest, there has not been the day in the past x months that I hadn’t thought of putting an end to it. It made me happy 10% of the time and anxious and miserable 90% of time as the quality / quantity of communication was not working for me.

 

I simply can’t go back to that place.

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There is no magic number, but I found it helpful to take it hour by hour in the beginning. Then day by day. Then week by week. Etc. And reward yourself for each milestone.

 

I also forced myself away from my phone as much as possible.

 

I know that's not super helpful but I hope it's a little helpful. Sending happy thoughts over to you.

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isolatedgothic

I am glad that you are seeking counseling. Try to find a counselor who is trained in EMDR. It took me two years and some EMDR to finally take the pain out of my heart. I feel like if I had gone to EMDR therapy sooner, things would have healed sooner.

 

Do your best to stay no contact. You don't want him coming back and triggering the pain all over again. Blog. Set up your own person blog and blog the heck out of your feelings. Let the memories come out - good and bad. Hide the blog so that nobody else can read it. This is about you, and healing comes when you get those feelings out in a safe way.

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spiritedaway2003

It's hard. The other person is still very much on my mind. All the time.

 

I'll share one piece of wisdom:

 

Time, in itself, doesn't heal all wounds. It's what you do with the time that makes all the difference.

 

Go do things to better yourself, whether that's going to counseling, go the gym, pick up hobbies, learn new things, give yourself a good cry. And then, in time, it will get easier. Read LS, but don't spend all day here.

 

That's what I tell myself, anyway.

 

And selfishly, I hope he doesn't contact me. I missed him like crazy but I am terrified of having to reset if he does.

Edited by spiritedaway2003
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If there is a magic number of days I don't know what it is.

 

AP broke NC about 9 months in with a text. I ignored it. Told my W about it.

 

I broke NC about 18 months in and there were email exchanges and a phone call. That "woke me up" and I instituted NC again and also told my W, who was angry (of course).

 

It's been nearly 5 years since that episode. NC has been maintained. But I have not forgotten. I still have thoughts and am still tempted. It's part of the territory, I guess. :(

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If there is a magic number of days I don't know what it is.

 

AP broke NC about 9 months in with a text. I ignored it. Told my W about it.

 

I broke NC about 18 months in and there were email exchanges and a phone call. That "woke me up" and I instituted NC again and also told my W, who was angry (of course).

 

It's been nearly 5 years since that episode. NC has been maintained. But I have not forgotten. I still have thoughts and am still tempted. It's part of the territory, I guess. :(

 

I dont believe a person ever really forgets! It's just a matter of acceptance and awareness. It's a very lengthy process but you just have to be grateful for every single day. I'm especially grateful that I didnt destroy everyone's lives I never could have handled that chaos.

 

Release your thoughts of MM daily it's okay to feel pain and it will subside. The memories though will be there for a very longtime. Keep moving forward.:)

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Bittersweetie

Like PP, I don't think there is any specific number of days or weeks. One just takes it one hour, one day, one week at a time...then those hours, days, weeks add up.

 

One thing I found helpful, when I feel like I had something I wanted to say to xAP but didn't want to break the NC: I wrote everything I wanted to say down on a piece of paper. Then I immediately ripped up the paper and threw it away. I got out the thoughts in my head, but they didn't go anywhere. What's funny is as time went by, the amount of stuff I wrote down got smaller and smaller until nothing...because what was the point?

 

Focus on yourself and your healing and you will stay strong. Good luck.

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It will take some time.

There are times that no matter how busy I am, I still can't help but remember the past every now and then. I couldn't help but wish that it didn't happened.

 

 

I still miss those times. I think I miss those moments more than the actual person. There are times when I can't help but envy his wife for having him since he is just my ideal man (except the cheater part). I think I will be less envious if his wife knew of his cheating.

But he played the good husband part very well so they are all happy now.

 



However. I do not think that it is as painful as it used to be. There were times that I still cry but I think it helped to set a goal or dream that you wanted to achieve.

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Looking for a collective insight into this: 14 days NC. My need to contact him is low / non existent, but my need to be contacted is high and I hope every hour he will. Why do I do this and what can I do to stop doing this?

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My need to contact him is low / non existent, but my need to be contacted is high and I hope every hour he will. Why do I do this and what can I do to stop doing this?

...My ego wants to continue being wanted by him... my rational mind says it is a blessing in disguise.

As you already said, your ego needs the validation, else what are you? Some OW he promptly dumped as soon as his wife found out.

BUT you are better than that, so you need to concentrate on the blessing part.

He was not the one for you, you had no future, not really, and Dday showed you that in spades.

It(the affair) made me happy 10% of the time and anxious and miserable 90% of time as the quality / quantity of communication was not working for me.

Also concentrate on this ^^^

Even if he did return, after Dday his communication will be a whole lot worse as he tries to not alert his wife again..

Start focusing on the negative and stay away from the positive aspects of the affair. Soon it will be clear you are in a better place without him.

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30 mins into NC. Following with interest. It’s going to be a long road but I’ve got snacks ;)

 

I want to hug you as I know you are hurting and the pain will be physical and real.

 

And you can decide if this the pain you want to experience over and over.

 

If once is enough - you will know what to do... big hug!

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mark clemson
...is there a magic number of days when all of a sudden, the pain is gone and there is light at the end of the tunnel?

 

No magic number, but if it's genuinely limerence, it will most likely be months and possibly one or two years unfortunately from what I understand. Your brain takes a while to adjust. Having contact become impossible might end limerence early (but it's got to really be impossible, doubt you can fool your own brain on this).

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Looking for a collective insight into this: 14 days NC. My need to contact him is low / non existent, but my need to be contacted is high and I hope every hour he will. Why do I do this and what can I do to stop doing this?

I'm 5.5 weeks in and it does get easier. I can now think of our breakup and not cry. Tears can still well in my eyes and I get a lump in my throat. I started therapy to help with the grieving process. I still would do anything to hear from him though.

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