AutumnMoon Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 (edited) The last year has really been intense. Both of us discussed divorce with our spouses but after time both tried counselling for the kid sake. We are still married but still having an affair. I love him more every day and it goes through my head constantly how I just want to be with him. I can’t even plan to be after the kids are grown because our lives are so enmeshed, it would be crazy for friends family and our kids to deal with. Still haven’t been caught, if anyone remembered promising me that would happen soon. Save your threats or telling me I confess. I won’t. I’m just here to support or connect to anyone going through something similar. Edited June 21, 2019 by AutumnMoon 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 Ummm... congrats??? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 I wonder if it would have been possible for your two families to set up as a partner-sharing foursome years ago and save this mess? It's good to see you're okay, but sad to see that there's no hope for anything better. I'd think that must be exhausting, feeling like there's no possible light at the end of the tunnel. Or is it easier to deal with things as they are if you don't feel like there's any hope of anything changing? We're trapped in the nightmare of a highly-contested divorce, but at least we can imagine a future when it's all over and done with. Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 I don’t know if a 7 year affair is something anyone on this forum will celebrate. It’s sounds incredibly sad and hard. Life is too short to pretend to be happy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 ... but after time both tried counselling for the kid sake. We are still married but still having an affair. I am really glad you have found common ground with your children. You both love cake and will not give it up. Hopefully you teach your children not to destroy other families or backstab friends to get their cake. Important lesson. Don't forget. You can tie the lesson in with the 'Golden Rule' for efficiency. There's your support, hope you make use of it someday. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 Empathy and character exist on a spectrum. You can work to develop those areas even if you are naturally lacking in them, but you have to see the benefit first. (Among the benefits are healthy and whole relationships, and the avoidance of blowing up your life and the lives of others with your choices.) From your multiple posts about how you don't really feel guilt I believe you that you aren't an empathetic person. There's not much I can say beyond that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 22, 2019 Share Posted June 22, 2019 If you had to do it all over again, would you make the same choices? Would you have had the affair or walked away? Do you feel any regrets now? You're happy enough now but the whole picture is sad...You two could never ever be together fully happy and guilt free because of the huge betrayal, the lying and truly "living a lie" for so many years. Using the kids as an excuse to stay (please make sure they do not find out about that aspect, if they do find out it'll mess them up so badly) and not just own it all and let the chips fall where they may is on you (and your MM). I still think some day your affair will come to light. Or maybe it's possible your husband and his wife are having an affair too and are hiding just as well are you and her husband are. Never say never..... Link to post Share on other sites
TheRainbow Posted June 22, 2019 Share Posted June 22, 2019 I'm a serial cheater so I based my thoughts on my experience. If you two wanted to be together you would be. The fact neither of you is is because one or both of you doesn't want it. But how much do you really know about the other man besides what goes on during your affair? Affairs are one note. You see the good side of him, while his wife and your husband see the good, the bad and the ugly. You may think you love him, but you love the idea of him. I had an on and off again affair with my former boss. I never liked him that way. I felt like I owed him, I was emotionally checked off from my marriage, but I didn't really like him, never mind love him. Unknowingly to me, he grew some kind of deep feelings for me even though he didn't treat me very well, and thought we'd be together. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted June 22, 2019 Share Posted June 22, 2019 I've been reading OP stories for a long time now, she would leave her husband in a heartbeat, soooo, same story as most. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 22, 2019 Share Posted June 22, 2019 (edited) I can’t even plan to be after the kids are grown because our lives are so enmeshed, it would be crazy for friends family and our kids to deal with. But, oh, how they will at some point! You're careening down a dangerous road toward a cliff, thinking because you continue on a highway there's unlimited interstate ahead of you. How soon you hurtle off the edge is anyone's guess. It's good that you're enjoying the ride now though, I suppose, since eventually the disastrous plunge awaits you. Edited June 22, 2019 by LivingWaterPlease 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted June 22, 2019 Share Posted June 22, 2019 If you two wanted to be together you would be. The fact neither of you is is because one or both of you doesn't want it. But how much do you really know about the other man besides what goes on during your affair? Affairs are one note. You see the good side of him, while his wife and your husband see the good, the bad and the ugly. You may think you love him, but you love the idea of him. This is standard affair talk but I don't think it really applies in this case and honestly, I think that's part of why she posts. If I may play armchair psychologist a bit, I think that seeing everyone respond with generic statements/advice/accusations that ring false to her provides her with a kind of internal validation. A reminder that no one understands, and that everyone who tells her what to do is dumb and wrong, which allows her to feel more certain that she knows best. IIRC they're not coworkers, they're neighbors who are heavily involved in each other's lives, quite openly in many cases. They're already each other's emergency contacts and backup support when the kids need watching or medical problems come up. Both couples know each other quite well. While there are probably things that only the real spouse knows, they're definitely not getting only the glamourous weekend getaway version of each other. It's because the two couples are so close that I keep thinking their situation might be a lot happier if they'd OPENLY wife-swapped a long time ago and worked things out. They might well have stayed married to their original spouses anyway. A lot of people do! But after years and years of affair, it's no longer possible to imagine the situation resolving tidily if they come forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted June 22, 2019 Author Share Posted June 22, 2019 Wasn’t looking for congrats, and only sounded proud I guess because I said haven’t been caught? I just meant because everything I used to post here had certain users saying I would be soon, confess confess!! Shame Shame Shame. Sorry. I jumped the gun and wanted to avoid those responses off the hop and cane out worse. I don’t talk to anyone aloud about my feelings with this. So every six months to a year I wonder back here, binge read and send a smoke signal out to anyone who may be feeling alone and going through something similar. I don’t recommend anyone cheat. I don’t think it’s a good thing. My story involves a trauma bond of sorts and I got way to wrapped up. Not offering excuses but also don’t come for judgment. No. A foursome relationship is not an option, that’s a common suggestion here too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted June 22, 2019 Author Share Posted June 22, 2019 (edited) If you had to do it all over again, would you make the same choices? Would you have had the affair or walked away? Do you feel any regrets now? You're happy enough now but the whole picture is sad...You two could never ever be together fully happy and guilt free because of the huge betrayal, the lying and truly "living a lie" for so many years. Using the kids as an excuse to stay (please make sure they do not find out about that aspect, if they do find out it'll mess them up so badly) and not just own it all and let the chips fall where they may is on you (and your MM). I still think some day your affair will come to light. Or maybe it's possible your husband and his wife are having an affair too and are hiding just as well are you and her husband are. Never say never..... I would not have. If I could go back I would have left my husband then and never let myself open up. 100 percent regret those initial choices. It’s just same lines over and over. They aren’t having their own affair with each other at least:, they are never around one another anymore, hardly enjoy each other’s company at the stage we are in right now. They have each made some of their own mistakes in our marriages and been forgiven but as friends often do did not forgive each other’. If that makes any sense. Edited June 22, 2019 by AutumnMoon 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted June 22, 2019 Author Share Posted June 22, 2019 I'm a serial cheater so I based my thoughts on my experience. If you two wanted to be together you would be. The fact neither of you is is because one or both of you doesn't want it. But how much do you really know about the other man besides what goes on during your affair? Affairs are one note. You see the good side of him, while his wife and your husband see the good, the bad and the ugly. You may think you love him, but you love the idea of him. I had an on and off again affair with my former boss. I never liked him that way. I felt like I owed him, I was emotionally checked off from my marriage, but I didn't really like him, never mind love him. Unknowingly to me, he grew some kind of deep feelings for me even though he didn't treat me very well, and thought we'd be together. I guess read my past posts? This isn’t typical. If it was we’d absolutely be together right now. We live together. Our children and families are enmeshed. I know him better then anyone and he knows me better. No fog. We’ve seen the good the bad and the ugly, from pregnancies to deaths, medical emergencies and shoulders to cry on and the best kind of memories to. I see him every single day, more than we each see our spouses. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted June 22, 2019 Author Share Posted June 22, 2019 I've been reading OP stories for a long time now, she would leave her husband in a heartbeat, soooo, same story as most. It’s him who would have her leave. She did for a while and he begged me to move with him to his hometown. The kids are where I can’t. Not leave.. leaving may be the right choice for the kids but not to be together because it would screw with so many hearts and heads. If I could leave AND be with him I would in a heartbeat. He is scared to be alone. He thinks family friends and the kids would eventually accept it, I do not. I know they would not. He constantly says just say the word. We love each other equally. I don’t question that. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 22, 2019 Share Posted June 22, 2019 From reading your posts it seems to me you believe it's too late for you to "right" the situation, Autumn Moon. Have you considered attending therapy with the goal of not having an affair, whether it means leaving your H or breaking off the R with AP? I believe your children's lives would benefit from getting out of it, however you should decide to proceed, probably at a personal loss to yourself. Whether you believe it or not, it's inevitable that the truth will come out one day, possibly even after your children are grown. My concern for your children is that the longer this goes on the less of life they will have that they can trust existed in reality. Seems to me not only are you, your AP and your betrayed spouses living a lie, but this choice of yours also forces your children, unbeknownst to them, to be living a lie. Someday they'll learn this and have a very difficult time coming to grips with the life they lived and the lack of reality they grew up in They may (I believe they will) question everything you did for them and everything you are, and by association of living with you, everything they are. Even the times you view as pure and unaffected (birthday parties, foods you cook for them, all the things a mom does for her children) may, for them, mean nothing because they won't know what was real and what was part of the lie of the existence of your family. Add to that your close relationship and association with your AP's family and, IMO, this is a recipe for some very damaged children once they learn the truth. Infidelity, we all know, is damaging. But, your situation seems to me to be exponentially more damaging than the "normal" affair (if there is such a thing!). It's as if your children live in a bubble. Once they learn they were reared in fantasy land I believe they will turn on you. I believe they'll question everything you are and everything you've done for them. I believe the sooner you straighten your life out by getting out of this situation, no matter what it takes, the more you increase your odds of having meaningful relationships with your children once they're grown, and also for them to have less issues to deal with in their own lives. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted June 22, 2019 Share Posted June 22, 2019 It’s him who would have her leave. She did for a while and he begged me to move with him to his hometown. The kids are where I can’t. Not leave.. leaving may be the right choice for the kids but not to be together because it would screw with so many hearts and heads. If I could leave AND be with him I would in a heartbeat. He is scared to be alone. He thinks family friends and the kids would eventually accept it, I do not. I know they would not. He constantly says just say the word. We love each other equally. I don’t question that. Again, having read most of what you've wrote I have to respectfully disagree as does your past posts. I will leave it at that and dismiss myself. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 22, 2019 Share Posted June 22, 2019 (edited) Indeed. It’s never too late to right a wrong. You wish you would have made different choices back then... there is NOTHING stopping you from making the right choice now. I honestly don’t know how you spend time with his spouse and look her in the eye. That is a level of deception unlike any other. And he is dead WRONG if he thinks your spouses, your children, your family, your community will accept your relationship. I’m sitting at a baseball game right now - the coach is having an affair with one of the parents. That parent has basically been shunned from the team and the betrayed spouse has been surrounded by friends/other parents in a very protective manner. This affair has been happening for a few months. You have been carrying on, lying and betraying your families for YEARS. I doubt people will be forgiving of that. IF people ever accept the situation, it will take years... if ever. Edited June 22, 2019 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted June 22, 2019 Author Share Posted June 22, 2019 Again, having read most of what you've wrote I have to respectfully disagree as does your past posts. I will leave it at that and dismiss myself. Another common tactic used here. I don’t question his love for me but it’s a ****ed up situation. He regularly talks to a therapist about me, I’ve tried but can’t get it out. 7 years. Things were confusing in the beginning but the only thing that isn’t now is how we feel. There’s no secrets between us at least. Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted June 23, 2019 Share Posted June 23, 2019 I’m not here to judge you. As an OW or trying to be FOW myself, I understand affairs better than anyone. My two main issues with your post are this: 1) you think no one has noticed. I’m here to burst that bubble. IT’S BEEN 7 YEARS. Even if you don’t talk to anyone about it, your chemistry with this OM has not gone unnoticed and I’m willing to bet my left hand that there is at least rumors and speculation even if they don’t say it to you. There might not be proof (yet) but what you are doing is not happening in a bubble. 2) you seem unapologetic to the point of uncaring about the consequences. The reason people here are giving you advice and taking their time to comment is because they have been in your same shoes. Or they’ve been a BS. Even if no one does find out as you say, you’ve spent 7 years in the shadows and hiding your true self. Why are you okay with that? And if you are okay with that, why are you trying to find like minded people on this forum to agree with you? If this was happening to your daughter would you encourage her to stay in an affair? Lie to her children and her husband? I’m willing to bet you would say no and you wouldn’t wish your situation on anyone. You say you can’t stop but I think you don’t want to. Which is fine, but then why are you asking us for support? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted June 23, 2019 Author Share Posted June 23, 2019 (edited) I didn’t ask for support. Every time I post people private message me, and I can help offer support to. No I would not recommend this to anyone. Yes i regret it No, I don’t want to stop. Edited June 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted June 23, 2019 Share Posted June 23, 2019 I didn’t ask for support. Every time I post people private message me, and I can help offer support to. No I would not recommend this to anyone. Yes i regret it No, I don’t want to stop. The reasons affairs are so looked down upon is because they have a damaging effect on everyone involved. You say you’re not asking for support but you are posting on a website that is for advice- you post and others give you support and direction. There has to be a little piece of you that wants this advice or you wouldn’t have searched for this website and post and then keep coming back to check. You say you give support to people who PM you after saying you wouldn’t recommend this to anyone and you regret it. Your story is not unique. Of course you don’t want to stop. You’ve been addicted to this “drug” for 7 years with no consequences. You can’t see the damaging effects yet but you know it’s under the surface. Your kids will have the worst of it when they find out that their childhood was not what they thought it was. If it was just you and MM and your spouses I would tell you to do what you want. At least with that fallout it would all be adults dealing with your selfishness. The kids is a no go. They deserve better than this. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 23, 2019 Share Posted June 23, 2019 AutumnMoon, I took a lot of time to write a post to you about what should be one of your main concerns, your children's well being. Why haven't you addressed the points I raised in the post? Mostly what you address or post about has to do with you and your AP. Why not delve into how your affair is affecting your children's lives? If you think this isn't going to affect them now and in the years to come and also your relationship with them in the years to come you're sadly mistaken. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted June 23, 2019 Author Share Posted June 23, 2019 (edited) I didn’t mean to purposely miss your post and I will go back and take a look. I love my kids I love his kids. Obviously if I spend much time thinking about it that is the most painful part Of this all and the one reason I know we can’t one day be together. It’s willful blindness to avoid the pain of the thought I’m sure. Edited June 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AutumnMoon Posted June 23, 2019 Author Share Posted June 23, 2019 (edited) It really seems anything I put in writing here is going to be looked at as me trying to justify this. This affair started after a very close mutual friend was murdered. Not having our spouses to lean on we leaned on each other. It happened slowly and then all at once. We both were raised in very abusive homes. And seemed too choose spouses to take back our power. My husband like my father his wife like his mother. We both struggled with addiction for years and yes have both talked about each other in therapy to me told these trauma bonds were a recipe for disaster. Like teenage rebellion almost. I get it’s ****ed up. I believe in a lot of ways we saved each other and now are so co-dependant it seems impossible to lose each other. I know it’s possible. The thought kills me. Edited June 23, 2019 by AutumnMoon Link to post Share on other sites
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