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notmyfinestmoment

Hi Everyone...

 

First time poster hoping to get some input/direction.

 

I am a single divorced mom who never planned on this happening (famous last words, right?). My MM was a married co-worker (actually used to be my boss, but hasn't been in quite some time and things didn't start until after I had already reported to someone else). We started off as friends and grew close after a year. The affair began when he told me that he was in love with me. I felt the same way.

 

We waited a couple months to be intimate, trying to fight our feelings. We carried on for over 6 months. I had tried to walk away at least 10 times because of the guilt, but we would always miss each other terribly after a a day or two and would profess how much we wanted each other in our lives. Like many others have said, we connected on every level and the chemistry was beyond anything I could have imagined. He felt the same way. His position is that he loved his wife, but didn't have the same feelings towards her and hasn't for a few years (feeling more like roommates than anything else).

 

He has never said anything uncomplimentary about her. I have never asked him our pushed him to end his marriage. They have a child and he has always worried how leaving would affect her (understandable).

 

A month ago, I told him we needed to stop and if he is that steadfast in wanting to be there for his daughter, then he needed to try to reconnect with his wife, to try to find a way to make his marriage happy. After a few days, he decided that he couldn't imagine his future without me so he decided to speak to his wife about his lack of feelings towards her (not telling her about us).

 

While I was excited we were talking about a future together, deep down I knew she wasn't going to let him go. Her response was she believed he is going through a mid-life crisis and would like to work things out. We have been on a huge roller coaster ever since because as much as he thought he wanted to be with me, he felt conflicted after talking to her. He was not prepared for her reaction (complete shock and sadness).

 

I had told him I was going to give him space to to figure out what he was doing. After all, if he was resolved in his decision to leave, he wouldn't be so conflicted (kind of thinking while he thought he could do it, he couldn't follow through with it when he saw what it would do to his family). We spent the last couple of weeks doing the push/pull, but enjoyed one last work trip together, which was amazing (as it always was).

 

His last day with the company was a couple of days ago and I saw the intro letter for his new company where they announced his background as well as his loving wife of 13 years and their beautiful child. I felt horrible and told him right then that he needs to be that guy they were talking about in the paragraph. I told him that there isn't a place for me in that intro letter. I told him he is starting a new job, and he can start fresh without having to interact with me at work on a daily basis. He said he didn't know what he was going to do without me in his life. I told him he would be fine...that he is starting this amazing new job and that he has a loving family...that he has everything. He told me that he loves me and would love me forever and we said our goodbyes.

 

We haven't talked in a couple of days. Of course now I am starting to miss him so much... I miss him as a co-worker, as a friend, and our romantic relationship. I know I am the one who forced the ending, but I just didn't know what else to do. I knew our communication/seeing each other would be affected significantly with his new job (we always talked via Skype several times a day and also traveled together a little for work).

I also knew that his wife was trying to work on things with him. I omitted myself, with what feels like, to my own detriment and am not sure if I did the right thing by removing myself from his life because I love him and really want to be with him.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Your pain was always coming, from the time you started it with him pain and agony was a sure thing. It is a positive that you did it on your terms.

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PhoenixRising8

Dazey read my thread - sorry but it's long. You situation is similar, except for working together. He tried to leave several times and didn't. I've finally realized it will never happen and I'll just ride a roller coaster that will destroy me. It already almost has. You are doing the right thing. If he really wants to end his marriage, he will. Until then, he is another woman's husband and has no business keeping you both on the hook.

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mark clemson

Be glad you're walking away from this now. As much as it genuinely hurts, it will hurt the same or more next year or the year after. You don't want to be someone who wakes up one day and realizes they put a decade of their life into someone they couldn't really/fully have.

 

There's no need to question making the right decision. Your "emotional brain" is making it difficult right now, but losing him will (in time) make room in your life for something better, healthier, and more honest.

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Dazey - I am sorry you are hurting, but you have done the right thing ending this now. I am a MW who began an A with a co-worker as well and I regret it every minute of every day. We too reached a point where he left the company about 9 months in which would have allowed a much easier break. He wanted to stay in contact and I always relented. Our A and the “roller coaster” you referenced continued for another nearly 2 years. I assure you the lows only become lower as things deteriorate and will only cause you more pain.

 

I am sure when you reflect, you don’t want this man to leave his family. I didn’t either, but the pain of losing the relationship overruled everything and I have deep shame about what I’ve done to both of our spouses. It hurts, but stay the course. I’d suggest blocking him. I wish I would have done that long ago. All the best to you.

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Amethyst68

Ok, let's be truthful here, his wife is not folding him at gun point, he is free to leave if he wants to. If he truly wants to be with you why not tell her he meet someone else, even if not the true extent of the affair, she might be less likely to want to stay.

This man is a proven liar and a cheat, what proof do you have he has even spoken to her? I suppose this is when you say he has never lied to you, but again I say he has proven to be a practised liar every day to the woman he swore to love and protect, not only her but daughter he supposedly loves too.

Let him go and use this time to build better barriers. I'm sorry to sound so harsh but just because someone tells you they love you is no excuse for getting involved with them while they are a relationship. You tell them to come see you when they are free.

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You tell them to come see you when they are free.

Or tell them not to bother, who wants a cheater?

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Or tell them not to bother, who wants a cheater?

 

Not me. Thank you very much...

 

It sounds like you’ve saved yourself a lot of grief in the future OP...

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FoundMyStrength

I got out pretty early from my EA/PA as the OW. That decision came from reading as many threads on this forum as I could. I recommend doing the same.

 

You'll find that 99.9% of the time, affairs do not have a happy ending. They don't leave their spouse but are happy to keep you as an add-on to their lives. They'll give you fewer and fewer crumbs of caring and time as the weeks and months go by, they'll disappear without warning, they'll come back when they want to and expect (often rightly) that you'll be there waiting.

 

The one thing they won't do is leave their spouse. You'll always be -- and feel -- like second best. It's a damaging soul-sucking business. Don't get stuck on that path. Find someone who is free to love you completely.

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(((Dazey)))

 

Well done. You did exactly the right thing in ending it. Ok, it wasn't great to get into the A in the first place, but all of us who have been in an intense, emotional A know that it takes the strength of a lion to end it and stand by that decision when your heart is in so deep and you feel so invested in this other person. You did it and now you've got to stay strong. You can do it.

 

I was the MM in an affair in not dissimilar circumstances to yours Dazey. It all got found out, hearts broke and chaos ruled for a while. My wife took me back and now, years later, I am so glad the A ended. It's unquestionably better for every single player in the story, even though it hurt like hell for months at the time. Our marriage is happy again now and even though I can't know what the fOW is now doing, I wish her nothing but the best and I know that if we'd tried to build a relationship together in the midst of the lies, deceit, betrayal and chaos we'd created, then it would have destroyed us both in the end - and others with us.

 

When it ended, I had to strictly employ head over heart thinking and maintain the discipline of a monk for months. Eventually it gets easier and the heart eventually catches back up again.

 

You'll get there. You've already shown that you are a very strong woman. Great things lie ahead of you if you keep your resolve and ride this out.

 

I haven't posted for a long time, but your story and the excellent replies really struck a chord with me. FoundMyStrength is quite right in what she says below. I remember well her first posts, devastated and in the position that you now find yourself in l. And now look at how strong and recovered she is. I'm proud of her and I know you'll make me proud too.

 

Good luck!!

 

I got out pretty early from my EA/PA as the OW. That decision came from reading as many threads on this forum as I could. I recommend doing the same.

 

You'll find that 99.9% of the time, affairs do not have a happy ending. They don't leave their spouse but are happy to keep you as an add-on to their lives. They'll give you fewer and fewer crumbs of caring and time as the weeks and months go by, they'll disappear without warning, they'll come back when they want to and expect (often rightly) that you'll be there waiting.

 

The one thing they won't do is leave their spouse. You'll always be -- and feel -- like second best. It's a damaging soul-sucking business. Don't get stuck on that path. Find someone who is free to love you completely.

Edited by jenkins95
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Amethyst68
Or tell them not to bother, who wants a cheater?

 

 

To be fair it's not as if she was coerced.

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Naivewomen

@jenkins95 what you have posted was incredible. Thank you for telling your story this helps so many MW and OW. There are deep feelings in an affair but they are fleeting. Many MM return home but if the affair was intense they r not unscathed. It does hit a chord but with that said, too many lives are at stake. Too many people get damaged it's just not worth it. When you are in so deep it takes forever to see this but you will! You will understand! The relationship can never be. I'm sorry you are hurting but you will be stronger.

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Hey naivewomen, big (((hugs))) :)

Thank you very much for your kind words. Yes, men in general so not show emotion like women and we don't talk or communicate as well. This is one of the reasons that we can seem like we don't care and MM can seem like they just go back to their old life, forget the affair and move on immediately. But we have feelings too, we just don't show then as well. I can't speak for every MM but I was utterly devastated after my own A. I loved two women, I'd hurt two women (and other people) and I was a complete mess for many, many months. My wife has been absolutely amazing to take me back and help heal me - heal us. Even now, though it is long behind us, I still have the odd sleepless night and I know I'll never truly be the same person again. Bottom line, MM can be complete b****rds, let everyone down and disappear leaving chaos behind them. But despite this, they probably had genuine feelings for the OW, cared about her deeply, will never forget her and will take a long time to get over the A. I genuinely believe that and hope it can provide some crumb of comfort to OW who think they've just been forgotten.

 

Naivewomen, I just started reading your thread that you started in January and will return to read the rest. Wow, it's brought tears to my eyes. I empathise with you very deeply. I truly have everything crossed for you and wish you all the best. Keep on posting. You and I are unquestionably seen as the villains of our stories and rightfully so because we strayed. But we both know how easy it is to fall into that trap when you are broken and lost. No excuses though, I'll regret my affair until my dying day. Thinking of you and you too Dazey

 

@jenkins95 what you have posted was incredible. Thank you for telling your story this helps so many MW and OW. There are deep feelings in an affair but they are fleeting. Many MM return home but if the affair was intense they r not unscathed. It does hit a chord but with that said, too many lives are at stake. Too many people get damaged it's just not worth it. When you are in so deep it takes forever to see this but you will! You will understand! The relationship can never be. I'm sorry you are hurting but you will be stronger.
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notmyfinestmoment

Thank you for all of the insight! I truly appreciate it!

 

@DKT3 - I think I must have realized that several times along the way (all the times I tried to be rational and walk away), but my heart won the fight. I do feel better knowing that it ended peacefully and with love.

 

@LilKatKat - I read through your posting before I had ever posted mine. It does sound similar! It really is hard to get off the roller coaster. I am sorry if he keeps re-engaging you. From what I read, it seems like he does miss you and wants to be with you (and can't seem to stay away), but he just can't make the break for reasons we all understand. For me, I am thankful that he is trying to step back and hopefully work on his marriage. I am left to pick up the pieces, but I know I am the one who put myself here. It's like sticking your head in the toilet and complaining it smells.

 

@Mark Clemson - Thank you for the kind words. After reading several posts on this website, I can see that walking away now (even though it hurts so much), is the best thing I can do. I am hopeful that I can find someone who is emotionally and physically available.

 

@Abetterme - Thank you for sharing your story and for the insight! No, I do not want him to leave his family, especially since there really are no other problems other than his lack of feeling (at the moment....I'm pretty sure most marriages go through that). He has a good, no, actually great life. I agree, the pain in losing the relationship hurts like hell. I do plan on staying the course. I hope you are doing well and are healing from your experience.

 

@Amethyst68 - Thanks for the tough love. I really can't tell you what is going on in his side of the world and I don't know if he has lied to me (never said he hasn't). I would like to think that I know him and would like to believe him, but I think his wife would say the same. I have been reading a lot on boundaries and I know I have some work to do (guess I have a little damage from my own divorce 8 years ago that I would allow this to happen). I've made a pretty big lapse in judgement (not coerced, I own it) and am taking a pretty big look at myself.

 

@Elaine & Bailey - I'm sure I will get around to that way of thinking once I have gotten over the hump. :-) I do hope that I have saved myself some grief!

 

@FoundMyStrength - I have read through your posts as well and you have come such a long way! You should be proud of yourself. I knew I had to let him go before I got further down the rabbit hole. I had turned down a really wonderful and available man over the course of the last 6 months and as I stand here now, I wonder what the heck I was thinking. Passion is a scary thing!

 

@Jenkins95 - Thank you for reaching out. I had read your story prior to posting mine while going through the forum and was impressed with your honesty and kindness to everyone you have reached out too. You are familiar with the struggle and I love to see that your journey has brought you to a better place. I do hope that for the man I was involved with (even though his spouse does not know). I hope the whole situation makes him a better husband and father. I have learned things too and will continue to as I get on the path to healing from loving someone in such an unhealthy relationship (boundaries, table for two please :laugh:). Thank you so much for the encouragement, you are an example to all of us!

 

@Naivewomen - I appreciate the encouragement (and I agree Jenkins95 is amazing!). I agree that too many lives were at stake and I always told him whatever he was feeling wasn't worth losing everything he had (not sure why I couldn't convince myself of the same). Having gone through a divorce myself, I always encourage everyone to do everything they can to avoid it. I love him enough to let him go. It's just I am going through the process of letting him go and it hurts. I know I have to go through the process. Sigh (not looking for sympathy, it just seems like such a huge mountain right now).

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I omitted myself, with what feels like, to my own detriment and am not sure if I did the right thing by removing myself from his life because I love him and really want to be with him.

 

Yes, you did the right thing. It has been my own experience that sometimes the best way you can love someone is to leave them alone... let them go. I believe this is one of those times. Doing the right thing can be really really painful... but in the end it is the best and wisest course of action for you. Just keep on moving. You're going in the right direction.

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notmyfinestmoment

@Jenkins95 - Thank you for saying that.... You must be reading my mind because that is exactly where my mind has been going today (that I have been forgotten and he has skipped back to his old life in the past several days since we have spoken last). I know he realized how unfair this has been to me as well as his unknowing spouse (he said so) which is why I think he has taken this as the final ending and is leaving me alone so I can move on. Our goodbye was filled with a lot of tears and I love yous.

 

You wife sounds like a wonderful woman and she is such a blessing to your family. Not everyone could have handled it the way she did and I find it extremely admirable. Honestly, I think if his wife had found out, she would have handled it the same way your wife did (putting her family first). I think part of the reason she was able to forgive and help with your healing is because you had been so remorseful for what you did. You were willing to do the work to move past the affair and the OW and I know that couldn't have been easy because you loved her.

 

I want to believe that 95% of us never thought we would find ourselves in this position (as the OW, MM, WS, or BS). I wish I could go back and handle things differently, but I can't rewrite the past, I can only move forward and try to do the right things now. Just like you did!! Thanks again for your kind words, they really mean a lot.

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@Dazey72

What a beautifully written post and thank you so much for your lovely words. My wife is indeed amazing and when I see my family all together, I often wonder how shattered they would have been if I'd left them and destroyed our family unit. Ultimately it would have put a huge strain on me and the OW too and I think the whole thing would have ended up a big mess.

 

As you said, very few of us would have ever imagined that we'd be in this position... but you only have to read these posts to see how many people find themselves in an affair. Before we realise that we've put ourselves in a situation where extreme hurt is guaranteed for at least one person, it's already too late. And when things start to fall apart it is truly devastating.

 

As you said, all we can do is try to learn from our mistakes and do the right things going forward.

 

I'm sure your MM is in a very dark place at the moment and thinking of you lots. Hopefully, he'll get to a place where he can reconnect with his family - but he will never forget you and will always have a special place for you in his heart. It will hurt now, but eventually he will be able to visit that place, in private moments and it will give him a lift and put a smile on his face.

 

And the same is true for you. It is so hard for you now, but get through this and the world is your oyster. The future could be beyond your wildest dreams and you go into it having learned so much from this experience. All the very best of luck!

 

Thinking of you. Please keep posting!

 

 

@Jenkins95 - Thank you for saying that.... You must be reading my mind because that is exactly where my mind has been going today (that I have been forgotten and he has skipped back to his old life in the past several days since we have spoken last). I know he realized how unfair this has been to me as well as his unknowing spouse (he said so) which is why I think he has taken this as the final ending and is leaving me alone so I can move on. Our goodbye was filled with a lot of tears and I love yous.

 

You wife sounds like a wonderful woman and she is such a blessing to your family. Not everyone could have handled it the way she did and I find it extremely admirable. Honestly, I think if his wife had found out, she would have handled it the same way your wife did (putting her family first). I think part of the reason she was able to forgive and help with your healing is because you had been so remorseful for what you did. You were willing to do the work to move past the affair and the OW and I know that couldn't have been easy because you loved her.

 

I want to believe that 95% of us never thought we would find ourselves in this position (as the OW, MM, WS, or BS). I wish I could go back and handle things differently, but I can't rewrite the past, I can only move forward and try to do the right things now. Just like you did!! Thanks again for your kind words, they really mean a lot.

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While I was excited we were talking about a future together, deep down I knew she wasn't going to let him go. Her response was she believed he is going through a mid-life crisis and would like to work things out. We have been on a huge roller coaster ever since because as much as he thought he wanted to be with me, he felt conflicted after talking to her. He was not prepared for her reaction (complete shock and sadness).

 

Many MM persuade themselves that their marriage is awful, their wife hates or doesn't care for them and that they are therefore justified in cheating.

He may even believe she already knows about the affair and is somehow condoning it.

When he broaches the subject of leaving/getting a divorce or she finds out about his cheating he is often surprised to find her reaction is not one of an agreement to split, or indifference, but one of shock, intense sadness and hurt. She is often blindsided as she was operating under blind trust and without the cheating information. He KNEW he was cheating, she had no reason to think he was. He projected his feelings of dissatisfaction with the marriage onto her, she was just carrying on as normal.

When he finds she does actually care, it is often then the start of repair and renewal - the OW can get kicked to the touch.

 

 

Seems to me here the stars aligned to allow you both a chance to cleanly leave this affair, before it got too messy.

Onwards and Upwards.

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I think you absolutely did the right thing, the mature thing. It’s better now than later. If it’s meant to be, it will be, but sadly 99 percent of the stories are the same. Live your life, have fun, focus on yourself, the right person will come along and when he does it will be amazing. No secrets, no lies, no deceit, that’s what you deserve. Good luck on your journey.

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notmyfinestmoment

As the days go by, it certainly hasn't been any easier in terms of moving on. I really miss him, probably more so because he isn't part of my daily work life any more. That is a ghost he doesn't have to deal with because he has a fresh start at a new job.

 

We have not communicated since last Tuesday, until Sunday where he sent an IM saying Happy Mothers Day (nothing intimate, just that I'm a good mom, etc.). I said thank you and that it meant a lot and left it at that.

 

I wake up sad/sick thinking about him and go to bed feeling the same way. I know it was the right thing to do by telling him to work on things at home, but I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

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As the days go by, it certainly hasn't been any easier in terms of moving on. I really miss him, probably more so because he isn't part of my daily work life any more. That is a ghost he doesn't have to deal with because he has a fresh start at a new job.

 

We have not communicated since last Tuesday, until Sunday where he sent an IM saying Happy Mothers Day (nothing intimate, just that I'm a good mom, etc.). I said thank you and that it meant a lot and left it at that.

 

I wake up sad/sick thinking about him and go to bed feeling the same way. I know it was the right thing to do by telling him to work on things at home, but I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

 

It won't be much consolation yet, but know that this is quite normal and that many, many people have been through what you're going through - and come out the other side. You will too! You really will.

 

Ride it out and be strong, which you've already proved you can. Realistically, it may be 3 months before you feel noticeably better. I know that's very daunting, but you'll get there. I have regularly seen it written that people first register a slight improvement after three months and can feel much better (but not yet "normal") after six months.

 

One idea is to set aside some time each day to process it in your mind - give yourself completely to the thoughts and let the emotions flow through you in that allotted time, cry, shout and let it out if you want/need to. But keep to the allotted time (maybe 30 min a day), try to be strict in not allowing yourself to wallow in this constantly, which it's easy to do. For the rest of the time, try to busy yourself in activities, distractions and see friends when you feel up to it. Force yourself to exercise, get out for a walk and make sure you eat properly. Try to find a balance of dealing with it verses becoming completely immersed in it. You need to deal with it, but you also need to give yourself plenty of breaks from it. I know it will still be with you constantly for a while, but distracting yourself will dull it considerably. Get the balance right and you should recover as quickly as possible.

 

Unfortunately, the only way round it is through it :( But you can do it dazey.

 

We are here for you. Keep posting :) I don't know you on real life, but I'm thinking of you a lot and I genuinely care...as do so many others on here.

 

Take good care of yourself and post again soon. J

Edited by jenkins95
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BigBlueSky
As the days go by, it certainly hasn't been any easier in terms of moving on. I really miss him, probably more so because he isn't part of my daily work life any more. That is a ghost he doesn't have to deal with because he has a fresh start at a new job.

 

We have not communicated since last Tuesday, until Sunday where he sent an IM saying Happy Mothers Day (nothing intimate, just that I'm a good mom, etc.). I said thank you and that it meant a lot and left it at that.

 

I wake up sad/sick thinking about him and go to bed feeling the same way. I know it was the right thing to do by telling him to work on things at home, but I just wish it didn't hurt so much.

 

Like jenkins said, the only way around the pain is to go through it. Just a word of caution (this is coming from experience) is that although communication is getting sparse, it is quite likely that things will pick up again. When that happens eventually you will come to the same crossroads because he’s married.

 

I hope that you can take the time to ground yourself and remember who you are apart from him. Keep yourself busy and form new habits. I found that having too much idle time was unhealthy for me. You need to decide what you want for yourself. Although it’s altruistic to give him space for his benefit, if you come from the perspective of doing it for YOU, you will be able to heal a lot more quickly.

 

I know it’s painful and that you miss him. That’s normal since you really cared about him. Letting go isn’t easy but staying with him will cause so much more pain to everyone involved.

 

Wishing you healing. We’re here for you.

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heartwhole2

The grass is greenest where you water it. Which came first, the stale marriage or the failure to invest in it? It's impossible to say. I've done a lot of reading on affairs as well as being a BW, and a lot of married men who cheat are conflict avoidant. They don't communicate their needs and then all of a sudden they've built a giant mountain of resentments with their wife. They use this to justify an affair, and you would think they were doing this to get out of their marriages, but they almost always stay.

 

None of us are perfect. We all live and learn. Today is a new day and you can choose better for yourself. Though I empathize with his wife and wish she had full knowledge of the things that impact her health and safety, from your point of view you are lucky that you haven't had a DDay. That usually leads either to being completely thrown under the bus by the MM or to the MM resurfacing some time later with stricter rules about how to keep the affair on the down low. It almost never leads to the affair couple becoming a legitimate couple. And at that point it's difficult not to see the MM for what he is -- someone who is OK with deceiving and under-serving two women in his life so that he can have his cake and eat it too. In other words, you are smart to get out while you are ahead, or at least not behind.

 

As for you, you will need to grieve and would benefit from IC. You will want to explore why you didn't have the boundaries or the resources to avoid this mess in the first place. You will also need to work on acceptance and forgiveness for yourself and him. They say time is a great healer, but in my experience, it doesn't do anything if we're not being proactive.

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notmyfinestmoment

Thank you for your replies... it really does help!

 

 

 

Since my last post, he had called. Not quite sure why, it was friendly fire (how are you, talked about his new job, etc). There was nothing romantic to it. He then followed up with and text, then the next day a couple of calls, and then another text. Again, nothing other than friendly conversation. The last I heard from him was a couple of days ago...an IM in the morning and then nothing since. I responded to his communication, being friendly, but not overly so. I think I was in the "bargaining stage" of maybe we can be friends.

 

 

I don't think I quite understood why it is important to maintain no contact until now. I read somewhere "no new contact = no new hurt". Since hearing from him last, I have been strung out wondering why he was contacting me so much for a couple of days only to disappear. Then I wished I hadn't heard from him at all.

 

 

 

I don't understand it and I don't think I ever will. Whenever I feel sad, I come back here to read why it is important to stay away.

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FoundMyStrength

 

I don't think I quite understood why it is important to maintain no contact until now. I read somewhere "no new contact = no new hurt". Since hearing from him last, I have been strung out wondering why he was contacting me so much for a couple of days only to disappear. Then I wished I hadn't heard from him at all.

 

I don't understand it and I don't think I ever will. Whenever I feel sad, I come back here to read why it is important to stay away.

 

 

I think it's because all they're thinking of is themselves. My xMM came back TWO YEARS later. Still married. He ghosted me 3 texts later. He literally came back for no reason at all just to cause me more hurt.

 

 

 

They're just selfish. They don't (really) care if we hurt. And they certainly don't care if we heal. They get bored. Or lonely. Or nostalgic. Or want to feel in control again. So they come back. And the same applies to leaving again. They don't feel like explaining, so they don't.

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