Why is this so hard to survive?

[ExhaustedOW]

I work with xMM. We’d been close colleagues for 3 years before the A. I had a SO that I was desperately unhappy with (raging temper problem). xMM and I never discussed our relationships. He never mentioned his wife. I never discussed my SO. Yet we spoke and texted daily. I admit, I liked him though. 3 years in we had a get together at a restaurant for a colleague that had accepted a job elsewhere. That’s the night it started. 0-60 in about 2 seconds. It felt like magic.

Because I knew he was married, I assumed it would just be a one night thing and that we’d go back to normal the following day. It was only a few kisses and we’d both left for our respective homes in our own cars. Nope. Nope. Nope. He went all in. He love bombed rapid fire. Told me his marriage was long since dead. Had been living with his mother. His 3 kids are all grown. The youngest had started college a year earlier. That he’d wanted to divorce for years but hesitated b/c of the kids & his conservative family in which no one had ever been divorced. But he was ready now. He wore me down. I believed him.

Like so many stories I’ve read here, it started so great. I’d never been happier. I broke my 6+ year relationship w/ my SO. He was desperately sad, but I my xMM gave me strength to do what I’d wanted to do for a long time. I had so feared his raging temper, that I stayed. But now, I would have walked through fire to make my new relationship work.

Fast forward, the next few months were the happiest of my life. Happy all day, everyday. We traveled. Stayed up all night talking, swimming, eating ice cream, sex all over the house, dinners with friends, weekends at the beach, cooking together, long drives to stay a night or 2 on the spur of the moment. We were in some kind of dreamlike trance. Never argued. He had NO temper. Even travelling, I felt like we were in sync in a way I’d never been with anyone. We got up at the same time. Wanted to do the same things. Enjoyed everything we did… Big difference for me from the grumpy types in my life up to this point.

Then, it crashed. Like an asteroid hitting my house. Direct impact. I saw his phone. He’d been seeing his ex wife. By seeing, I mean having sex with. Even so far as taking her to a hotel the night he and I got back from a vacation. I told him to get out of my house. He was very quiet. No raised voices. He just left. Simple. Then, I didn’t hear from him for 3 days. Then a text/whatsapp/email late one night. Then the love bombing. Unbelievably, I caved. I know. It’s ridiculous.

Phase II: The Wife Found Out

We were working mid day from my house. Knock on my door. It was her. I’d never met her. Never seen a photo. He went outside. She was screaming. He tried to calm her down. She refused to leave. Insisted on meeting me. This went on for 3 hours. She made a huge scene. Knocked on my neighbors doors. Tried to run him over with her car. Full on. I finally came out. Brought her a soda & deferred to her. It was brief. I came back inside. He soon followed. She left. He begged me not to be angry. It was over. The proof was that he sent her away. He didn’t leave with her… The next day we found a tracker on his car. That’s how she found us. To clarify, although he had move out, he hadn’t shared that he was seeing anyone. She suspected. Thus the tracker.

A month later, we had friends over to my house for a dinner party. Knock on my door. I answered. She assaulted me on my front porch. 911 was called. She was arrested. He begged me to stay strong. Told me that was IT! She wasn’t going to bother us anymore. I got a restraining order on the following Monday.

In the months that followed, he started to cancel plans on occasion. Not consistently, but still. Family obligations usually. Cousins in town kinda thing. Then one day he was texting me in the morning and accidently sent me his location. He was at their house. Boom. It was 8:30am. I went NC immediately. Fast forward again, he wore me down a week later. Admitted he’d moved back in. Was on the couch. Trying to calm everything down. His kids were furious with him. She was hysterical. But he moved back out to his mom’s.

And we plugged along. (I’m still amazed how easy it was for me to get right back on track with him. I don’t understand myself at all – don’t recognize myself.) To wrap this up… She came back to my house at 3am screaming in the street. Violated the restraining order. Then a few weeks later, did it again. Taken to jail. Now it’s a felony. He wasn’t even home with me when it happened, but rushed over to be with me when I called to tell him. Stayed with me. This time, for sure, he said, she was never going to bother us again. We spent the next 4 nights together at my place. We moved through it. She was crazy. He was done. This time, trust him. He’s going to get all of this over with. File the divorce papers and move on with the only person who “really loves him”. Me.

Monday night after a 4 night stay, he went back to his mom’s for the work week. Texted me that night. Things seemed fine. But I didn’t get my normal “goodnight, I love you”. Next morning. No “good morning”. I texted him. No reply. That afternoon, I got in a car crash. I was physically OK but my brand new car was damaged. Not drivable. I called. No answer. I texted. No answer. That was a week ago today. I haven’t reached out again. The car accident blow off feels like a new low – if that’s even possible. Friday we have to be at an all day work gathering. It’s a very small group. Now what?

[SpiceCat]

Now, as with any failed relationship, you accept his rejection and begin to pick up the pieces of your life. If he comes back, you remind yourself of everything he's done and the pain he's caused you, you sack up, and you blow him off.

 

Glad you're ok after the accident. Now you are free to someone who would rush to your side, as any good person would do.

[pepperbird]

Whenever I read a post by an OW about the "crazy wife", I always wonder to myself , " now how do you think she got that way?".

 

I know you are no fan of his wife, but spare her a thought for a moment. It might help you.

 

Look at how she's been behaving. You are two sides of the same coin. He's treating you both like garbage, and not only do you both allow it, you both keep begging for more!

 

Come on now. You sound like an intelligent person, and I'm not telling you anything you don't already know. I'll say it again...think of his wife. That is the future you would gladly sign up for. Just because he's better than your ex doesn't make him good relationship material. Just because a man spends time with you and has sex with you doesn't mean he loves you and just because your ex was a knob, that doesn't mean you have to put up with some jackass of a mm who doesn't know his head from his behind.

 

Honestly, you're better off on your own for a while.

[elaine567]

Whenever I read a post by an OW about the "crazy wife", I always wonder to myself , " now how do you think she got that way?".

Exactly.

Psychopaths and the like are said to pair up with people with Borderline Personality disorder but more modern thinking is recognising that people who live with such dysfunction naturally end up showing signs that would have been previously diagnosed as BPD, the situation they find themselves in causes them to act in such a way...

 

I guess living with a cheater and a liar is not good for anyone's mental health...

[Turning point]

Look at how she's been behaving. You are two sides of the same coin.

 

So true.

OP, you already don't understand or recognize your own behavior. The source of the "crazy" is your MM and his crazy making behavior. It's not simply the wife - this is what becomes of anyone who gets emotionally involved with this guy. There's a reason his kids no longer want anything to do with him and that reason is sanity.

 

You are crazy to be an actor in his sh** show drama of a marriage, and you are crazy to keep going back on the stage. How long before you appear to be as crazy as his wife? In the end he'll walk away and tell his next other woman you were BOTH crazy.

[S2B]

You act as if he doesn’t exist...or call in sick that day.

 

This is why I always say to women considering any MM - not to take any action with him until his divorce is FINAL!

 

Many, many MM will always have an OW!

 

He looks like that type.

[heartwhole2]

This is a lot to handle all at once. Are you in therapy?

 

I wouldn't be surprised if he love bombs you again. Think through how you would react.

 

For work stuff, how often do you have to be together? If this is a rare occasion, it's probably best to get out of it if you can to give yourself time to process more.

 

Your MM has obviously been sending both you and his ex-wife very mixed and deceptive messages. That doesn't excuse her becoming violent. I'm sorry that happened to you. Why would MM keep going back to someone who is violent? He's obviously got some serious issues to work out. "I promise never to do it again" isn't enough. He needs serious therapy.

[Aloha123]

Um, it sounds like you should be so lucky as for him to never contact you again. This is a horribly dysfunctional not to mention volatile situation/cycle to be in the middle of! I know it is not going to be easy, but please do whatever you can to cut your losses.

I do give you a credit for at least trying to end things when he goes back to his wife. Many of us, including me, put up with mm who are still happily or at least very married. At least you know where you should draw the line, and have consistently tried to do so. Now, you just need to make it stick.

[mark clemson]

Your "dream" turned into a nightmare. Why? Because at the center of it is a person who for some reason needs to do completely messed up stuff like this. Elaine mentioned psychopaths above and it sounds to me like this guy could be high up on the sociopathy scale. Able to charm and act, but not really having the emotions. Or any guilt. It's all pretend so he can get what he wants, which for some reason is playing both of you. To the point where his (x?)wife is so out of sorts she commits a felony. He gets his jollies manipulating you both. Yikes!

 

IMO you've very much fallen for the wrong guy. You should consider doing whatever it takes to be nowhere near him as soon as is feasible and stay NC. The less this person is in your life the better IMO. And don't go loaning him large sums of money or anything even worse than what's already transpired. As people like to say around here - he's shown you who he really is - believe him this time...

[elaine567]

Your MM has obviously been sending both you and his ex-wife very mixed and deceptive messages. That doesn't excuse her becoming violent. I'm sorry that happened to you. Why would MM keep going back to someone who is violent?

Huge ego boost for him.

This woman is so in love with him that she is prepared to physically fight her love rival...

 

Both women fighting over him...

What is not to like?

He is "da" man.

[FMW]

Now what?

 

Now you don't ever let him anywhere near you again beyond what is absolutely necessary for work. Don't text, don't call, don't even look at him if it's not necessary for work. Pretend he doesn't exist (I do it on a weekly basis - it's absolutely possible)

 

Have love and respect for yourself and never let him have the opportunity to ever hurt you again. Please don't end up having a hundred pages of posts because you allow him to keep messing with your head and heart.

 

Look at this as a gift - at a time when you really needed emotional support he is nowhere to be found. You don't need to give him any more chances to show you what he's all about - he's made it clear.

[whichwayisup]

I'm not defending his wife's physical abuse towards you, that's so wrong and of course now she's paying the price for that... But, you must known that what he's told her vs what he's telling you is opposite. He has lied so much and probably gaslit her to the point that it did make her crazy. People can only take so much before they snap emotionally.

 

You don't "know" him, only the affair fun side where life is perfect and as you said that he showed no anger or anything but happiness and fun. Sooner or later that was going to change as nobody is happy go lucky and never moody. Even the nicest people can be bitchy/moody/grumpy!

 

Anyway I hope you get some counseling to help you grieve and really let go so you can move on from this mess. Please don't contact him and do block him!

[jah526]

This sounds like an emotional roller coaster nightmare. I was on one too, until I finally decided I’d had enough, and told him “no more”. That was exactly 2 years ago today.

 

You know when you first get off a roller coaster your body feels like you’re still on it? It’s going to take a while to feel like your normal self again after this.

 

About the work situation, it can be done. Do everything you can to avoid him. Mine tried everything he could to catch my eye at first, and I steadfastly ignored him until he gave up.

[amaysngrace]

Maybe he thinks that treating you like crap is the way to your heart.

 

I’m glad you’re okay from the accident at least.

[anika99]

How many wive's has he had? You refer to his wife as his wife but you refer to an ex-wife being the one he was having sex with and taking to hotels. So he has his wife, you and an exwife all on his hook?

 

I think this guy is driving his wife nuts. I think he sends her mixed messages and gaslights her. He lies and gaslights you too. Keep seeing him and one day you will be the crazy woman having a melt down in the street in the middle of the night.

 

Thank your stars that he has ghosted you. There is no way that this affair is going to turn into your happily ever after.

[ExhaustedOW]

Whenever I read a post by an OW about the "crazy wife", I always wonder to myself , " now how do you think she got that way?".

 

I absolutely agree. Please understand, it's not that I believe her to be crazy. I ought to have used "--"s. He described her as crazy after all stalking/assault/tracker events began. Whether she was volatile before all of this or not, he is certainly pushing her toward the crazy edge.

Edited June 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ExhaustedOW]

Exactly.

Psychopaths and the like are said to pair up with people with Borderline Personality disorder

Interesting perspective. Interested not so much whether she is BP but i guess i never thought of him as a psychopath since he was always so level, calm, kind. Until he vanishes, of course.

Edited June 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ExhaustedOW]

How many wive's has he had? You refer to his wife as his wife but you refer to an ex-wife being the one he was having sex with and taking to hotels. So he has his wife, you and an exwife all on his hook?

 

 

Just the one wife. I apologize for the confusion. They've been married for 20+ years.

Edited June 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elaine567]

Exactly.

Psychopaths and the like are said to pair up with people with Borderline Personality disorder

 

Interesting perspective. Interested not so much whether she is BP but i guess i never thought of him as a psychopath since he was always so level, calm, kind. Until he vanishes, of course.

 

I was not really suggesting he is a psychopath, I have no idea, he may be or may be not, but I was merely pointing out that his wife's craziness may be in direct response to how he has treated her.

[ExhaustedOW]

So true.

OP, you already don't understand or recognize your own behavior. The source of the "crazy" is your MM and his crazy making behavior. It's not simply the wife - this is what becomes of anyone who gets emotionally involved with this guy.

 

you're right, of course. but i didn't see any of the classic "signs". he never criticized his wife. it was only after she was arrested, etc that he made comments like "she's crazy. why did she do this? so stupid." but it came across more as he wished she hadn't put herself in criminal jeopardy. i never felt gaslit. he didn't try to make me feel as though any of this was my fault. the best i can describe is that he was incredibly kind/present when he was with me. but when he vanished, equally invisible. that part feels like 2 sides of the same coin. is there a psychopathy for such a black & white persona?

Edited June 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed code removed by poster while posting [/QUOTE]

[amaysngrace]

Narcissism. They suck their supply from you then discard you easily.

 

Not saying he is a narcissist but they run very hot and cold.

[ExhaustedOW]

This is a lot to handle all at once. Are you in therapy?

 

I wouldn't be surprised if he love bombs you again. Think through how you would react.

 

For work stuff, how often do you have to be together? If this is a rare occasion, it's probably best to get out of it if you can to give yourself time to process more.

 

Thanks so much for your reply. I'm not in therapy. perhaps i should consider. I'm single. no kids. as big of a mess as this became, it's still very isolating to have him disappear. he was a very big part of my life.

 

We have to work together about once a week. But it's intense when it happens because we are a small collaborative group. a "team" in a sense & we work in unison. i'm the only girl. so friday for example we have to be together for about 7 hours starting very early. then there's a work related happy hour that our boss has asked us all to attend at 5pm.

 

typically, if we had any distancing (always was him distancing) during the week, he'd frantically work to smooth things over in the day or so prior to know we'd be locked in a room together. he'd then text me under the table non stop during the entire meeting. love notes. lust notes... he's very persistent. this time though feels different. i don't know what he'll do. my best guess is he'll call in sick.

Edited June 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed code removed by poster while posting [/QUOTE]

[mark clemson]

Narcissism. They suck their supply from you then discard you easily.

 

Not saying he is a narcissist but they run very hot and cold.

 

Well - the BPDs do as well (hot/cold). And sociopaths are perfectly capable when it fits their "plan".

 

IMO he's somewhere in there (dark triad/sociopathy) at least with strong tendencies. It's impossible to diagnose via posts.

 

Nor does it really matter. OP, IMO it's clear this person should be out of your life. It's really that simple. Not easy, but simple at least.

[S2B]

Block him from texting you! Especially during hours when you’ll see him!

 

Consider calling in sick yourself.

 

And don’t attend the happy hour. If you have to go then stay ten minutes and say you have to leave. Make sure he’s blocked after you leave early!

[SpiceCat]

Is this honestly your first break up? Come on..you know what you need to do.