How did you become the "Other Woman/Man"

[Unrequitedlover]

I think I'm heading in that direction:(, but how did things start and escalate with you guys?

[somanymistakes]

"Start" is complicated for me because we were an actual couple long before he got married. I broke up with him for stupid reasons, mostly having to do with my own psychological issues and need for self-punishment, and did my best to drive him away and convince him that I'd never loved him. Then I went off and did a bunch of really stupid things with my life while he pined over me.

 

So for a very long time I was "the one that got away". His wife knew all about me when they got together.

 

Then when things started getting rocky between them, I chose to tell him how I really felt, and it all got messier from there.

 

I know this isn't the "standard" OW story, which is why I mention it. Not everyone's life follows the exact same script.

 

Every step of the mess was my fault, but I'm not sorry for breaking up his marriage, what I'm sorry about is dumping him in the first place. This whole situation should never have happened. If I'd just married him in the first place we'd all be a lot happier.

 

Unless you like hating yourself, I'd suggest trying to avoid affairs!

[Abetterme]

I want to preface my response by saying, please please PLEASE use your best judgement to stop yourself now.

 

I became involved with a coworker. He was engaged at the time and my own stupidity allowed me to see him as a “safe person” or friend. This progressed to a very deep EA and then a very intense PA. We never bad mouthed our partners (which is a very common theme you’ll see) and I was not unhappily married (another commonality in a lot of these stories). Ultimately I became the other women because I selfishly chose my wants over my family and my commitment to them.

 

While I never had a d-day, which has probably made the A harder to extract myself from, it has impacted me so deeply. Our A lasted nearly 3 years and was the most soul crushing time of my life. I promise you, as good as the attention and connection may feel to you in this moment, it is not worth what is headed your way.

 

You don’t mention, are you married? I think when I started down this horrible path I disconnected so greatly that I didn’t picture the hurt my husband would feel if he were to find out about my betrayal. I wish I had.

[mark clemson]

OP, do some reading in this and the Infidelity section - it may inspire you to withdraw from this before you're in too deep.

 

In my case I am at her former place of work regularly for my job + tend to casually flirt with some of the women there. I started flirting, she flirted back, it intensified and became an EA. Was able to resist the very very strong urge to take it PA.

 

When flirting starts to get too emotional it can become a genuine slippery slope where before you realize it you're both REALLY into each other. And thus an EA, which can then easily escalate to PA.

[LIRR88]

Don’t walk, RUN the other way! Listen to everyone on here, don’t do it, you’ll spare yourself the pain and headaches. The feelings I’ve gone through these past few months, I honestly wouldn’t wish them on my worse enemy. It’s just not worth it.

[William]

Topic check: How did you become the "Other Woman/Man?

 

We thank you in advance for your topical responses.

[darkbloom]

Started off as a friendship. Met him through his then girlfriend now wife. I didn’t raise the alarm and stop it for a few reasons: I have a ton of male friends that are just friends and nothing sexual has ever happened, we were casual friends for several years with nothing weird happening in that time, I deemed him “safe” because he was already in a serious relationship when I met him + he is around 15 years older than I am and has his life set up and figured out. I was young, naive, and slightly reckless. I didn’t think he would be attracted to me AT ALL based on my insecurities and that I was fresh out of a relationship and in a different space in life than he was.

 

This sh-t just needs time and opportunity to blow into a full affair.

[Prudence V]

I fancied him. Did my “due diligence” and found nothing to scare me off. Proposed a fling, while he was in my country, which fortuitously happened during a “perfect storm” for him when he actually gave in to that idea.

 

We both enjoyed the experience, so mooted a part-time LDR, which worked well for both of us for a few years, and then we fell in love and wanted to be together full-time. So he dumped the BW and we got together f/t and have been happily married now for more than a decade.

 

We were both completely honest with each other every step of the way, else it wouldn’t have worked out. And, if either of us had ever felt that the R as it was at the time wasn’t what we really wanted, we’d have walked. Far too many people stay in Rs that aren’t really giving the, what they want, for too long - whether those Rs are marriages, “affairs”, dating relationships or any other kind.

[jah526]

I was groomed by a master manipulator. Was going through a very difficult time, he knew it, and took advantage. I badly needed someone who cared at that time, and he faked it very well. By the time I realized he didn’t give a damn about me, I was heavily invested. Took me a year to finally end it and I still, two years out, feel a yearning for him. That’s precisely why I stay far away.

[FoundMyStrength]

I was at a summer work assignment that involved us pretty much working and living in close confines 24/7. It was an intense type of work that required a lot of one-on-one discussion and meeting. We went from talking about work to talking about personal things. Our hopes, fears, disappointments, dreams, past events that shaped and defined us.

 

We had a connection and we made the fatal mistake of giving in to that by spending even more time together outside of work hours. Long talks, walks, drinks, dinners. It was like gradually falling down a slippery slope. It was mostly an emotional affair that turned physical one time the day he left to return to his home city.

 

We continued to text 24/7 for the next month, then talk via a secret email for another month.

 

If you are still in the stage of "thinking about" an affair, please don't do it. It seems all sweet and meant to be at the time, but those 4 months were among the most emotionally damaging and traumatic of my life. I ended up with shame and guilt that led to a profound depression. I ended up feeling worthless and used and thrown away. And I hurt a woman I never even met. And, to this day, I am haunted by the fact that he never told her.

 

Don't do it.

[TooBad]

We talked. We played an online game together. I was under the impression she was happily married, but we were also so much alike that there just was this attraction.

Then I thought something was missing from her marriage. Like she was lonely in it. I kinda saw no harm in keeping her busy. But things became intense very fast and then we just needed to know if it would be as we thought it would be, in real life. We might have both been hoping it to be a disappointment, just to get it out of our system, but it wasn't.

[ABernie]

We started as friends. When I met his wife, I was sure i was misreading things until later that night he confessed his feeling towards me. I stopped all his talk until it became PA and we both said we were leaving our marriages. Even with that, it didn't work out, but the experience did change me, for the better and i was in a better place to be open to meeting someone who was my equal in every way.

 

I needed AP to help me realize that I didn't have to stay in my marriage. It was the push I needed (b/c I didn't want to have an affair) to ask for a divorce. Otherwise, I might be still sitting in the kitchen cringing when XH's car came into the driveway.

[Daisy2013]

We were friends for years and worked together in a mutual interest on the weekends. I had developed a crush on him, but never voiced it. More of a curiosity of what he would be like in a relationship, than a school girl crush. We laughed together, shared dreams, talked a lot, encouraged each other. One evening, he made a move on me out of the blue, and that was that. It grew from there, and I gave into my desire and left all of my values behind.

[Confusedwoman81]

I became the OW to a coworker 13 years older than me 10 years ago. I was in my early twenties when we first met. We actually talked about this a few weeks ago. He said since he knew he wanted something long term. He pursued me slowly. He spent 2 years making me comfortable because I was extremely shy. First friendly conversation. Then after a year double entendres. Then finally flirty when he decided to make his move.

[Poppy47]

My late husband had been ill with Alzheimers for 7 years. I had no support at all from family or friends.

 

I met MM at a friendship group. I knew he was married and he said he was just looking for friends. We started seeing each other and it led to a very long and for me very painful A. I was in a very vulnerable state and was easily led into the comfort of his arms. The responsibility is all mine but given the right or maybe wrong circumstances it is easy to slip and fall down the rabbit hole.

 

It has taken years for me to get out of the relationship. As other have urged you here, DON'T DO IT.. You will live to regret it in some way.

 

Poppy

[rainbowsandkittens]

We met on a dating site. He was in my country for work. He said he was looking for ‘friends’ as he came here frequently (every 2 months for a week at a time) He told me he was divorced on our first date and when and why. When he went home he confessed that he was not divorced- they’ve never gotten married anyway- and they’re still very much together. I heard all about his other affairs (3 before me) including the one that happened at the time he said they were getting divorced (when his daughter was a baby). I got the whole song and dance about how horrible and abusive she was to him and the kids- physically and mentally. He put the ball in my court and bc I liked him so much and he said he was deciding if he was going to leave (and also bc I’m a big naive idiot) I agreed to be friends. And of course a full blown affair came after that. The first 6 months he said he was leaving. Then we broke up. Then he came back. And he stopped talking about how terrible she was. Or about leaving. Then we broke up again. Then he came back. The last time we were together for a year. We broke up a year ago. He told me he never loved me (and also that he doesn’t know if he love hers and maybe he doesn’t know what love is blah blah bull***** blah blah) and that we should have always just been friends. So apparently this was all my fault.

 

My advice is don’t do it. No matter how it happens it almost always ends the same (the one poster on here that it worked out for is the exception and I would love to say I’m not jealous but I am). It’s not worth it, I promise you.

[Chickenisayt]

We were friends, that led to an EA, and eventually PA. We are both married.

 

Please donÂ’t get yourself into this mess... donÂ’t be a home wrecker. ItÂ’s not a good nickname to have.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

We met on a dating site. He was in my country for work. He said he was looking for ‘friends’ as he came here frequently (every 2 months for a week at a time) He told me he was divorced on our first date and when and why. .

 

He conditioned you. He's had a lot of experience knowing how to condition people from what you said. Don't beat yourself up. You have already been through enough [abuse]. Learn what made you a target so you won't be again with someone else. I learned from xMM that when a MM says he wants a friend, run! He usually isn't looking for a beer buddy or shopping companion.

Edited June 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[SpiceCat]

My husband was killed shortly after our daughter was born. He was my lawyer when my mother in law tried (and failed) to get custody of her.

[heartwhole2]

My husband was killed shortly after our daughter was born. He was my lawyer when my mother in law tried (and failed) to get custody of her.

 

Oh SpiceCat, I'm so sorry. That must have been so awful, to lose your husband and then to have to fight your daughter's grandmother for custody. Small wonder you bonded with the person helping you at that time.

[SpiceCat]

Oh SpiceCat, I'm so sorry. That must have been so awful, to lose your husband and then to have to fight your daughter's grandmother for custody. Small wonder you bonded with the person helping you at that time.

 

Thanks heartwhole..yeah, not my best time. I'd been with him since we were 16. My kiddo was and still is so worth the fight though..she's the best person I've ever met. To be fair to her, I did down a bottle of pills when I found out..I had horrible post partum depression on top of everything. But luckily, as sleazy as exMM was, he was a fantastic lawyer.

 

And I'm currently happy and healthy and in a wonderful relationship..we just moved in together and he wants to adopt my little girl when we get married. I'm so grateful to be where I am today..it was a bumpy ride to get here!

Edited June 13, 2019 by SpiceCat

[Southwardbound]

I think I'm heading in that direction:(, but how did things start and escalate with you guys?

 

It started in University, - we had classes together, we both loved each other. However, I later married, my H lived overseas. OM & I lived together for over 2 years, carried on after that another 4/5. He wanted me to get a divorce, but I wouldnÂ’t have been able to leave the country with the kids. Not long after that I cutoff all contact with him. That was super hard. . He later married, has 2 kids. I have 4 kids, oldest is his, all over 18 now. I divorced, moved back into the Country. Recontact in mid- 2014, & we have been seeing / living together about half of every year, since then. He never told her about me when they first married. She still knows nothing. If she looked - a digital / paper trail exists., maybe she does know? But doesnÂ’t care? - After all she has the financial security of being the Wife, access to his money, insurance, sweet big house, cars, etc.

 

When we first started reconnecting - he could have just left it as friends. But, nope - heÂ’s always wanted more than that & he worked me emotionally to get that- knows me way too well. Plus after the divorce I wasnÂ’t in too good of an mental headspace. He is very good at compartmentalizing his two relationships. She lives with her kids in one place & I live in another. He calls / texts/ emails me numerous times every day- even when he & the W are on holiday. He has separate place where he works, in a different town, she never goes there. I fly in & live with him there.

 

Originally he said he would leave her when his kids were both 18. Two more years to go for that - but I donÂ’t think he will do that now, although at one time I did. Maybe, he will prove me wrong?

 

I often wonder how she cannot know what he is doing? What she would say to him, if she knew everything - from the beginning that he has never told her? In a way much of what she knows about his past he hid / lied(?) to her about. I feel sorry for her about that. I have told him that if she ever finds out, & asks me I would tell her whatever she wanted to know.

 

A relationship like ours can exist for years - if both parties are willing. The problem is - once you enter into a relationship like this- it is very difficult to untangle yourself from it.

[misspalmy]

1st time he lied saying he was single but turn out he had a partner

 

2nd guy was the 1st guy brother but that time new he was married

[TheRainbow]

I have had several affairs. But the one that stands out the most is the one post marriage. I worked with my former boss. He put in a good word for me to get some paid schooling. We worked closely together for three years. He was manipulative and made it feel like I owed him. Eventually it led to late nights, sex, and when I didn't give in or said no he would treat me like ****. It did end when a former co-worker told my husband. It did start up again but ended after I gave birth to my affair partners baby. Now he's out of the picture.

[SpiceCat]

It started in University, - we had classes together, we both loved each other. However, I later married, my H lived overseas. OM & I lived together for over 2 years, carried on after that another 4/5. He wanted me to get a divorce, but I wouldnÂ’t have been able to leave the country with the kids. Not long after that I cutoff all contact with him. That was super hard. . He later married, has 2 kids. I have 4 kids, oldest is his, all over 18 now. I divorced, moved back into the Country. Recontact in mid- 2014, & we have been seeing / living together about half of every year, since then. He never told her about me when they first married. She still knows nothing. If she looked - a digital / paper trail exists., maybe she does know? But doesnÂ’t care? - After all she has the financial security of being the Wife, access to his money, insurance, sweet big house, cars, etc.

 

When we first started reconnecting - he could have just left it as friends. But, nope - heÂ’s always wanted more than that & he worked me emotionally to get that- knows me way too well. Plus after the divorce I wasnÂ’t in too good of an mental headspace. He is very good at compartmentalizing his two relationships. She lives with her kids in one place & I live in another. He calls / texts/ emails me numerous times every day- even when he & the W are on holiday. He has separate place where he works, in a different town, she never goes there. I fly in & live with him there.

 

Originally he said he would leave her when his kids were both 18. Two more years to go for that - but I donÂ’t think he will do that now, although at one time I did. Maybe, he will prove me wrong?

 

I often wonder how she cannot know what he is doing? What she would say to him, if she knew everything - from the beginning that he has never told her? In a way much of what she knows about his past he hid / lied(?) to her about. I feel sorry for her about that. I have told him that if she ever finds out, & asks me I would tell her whatever she wanted to know.

 

A relationship like ours can exist for years - if both parties are willing. The problem is - once you enter into a relationship like this- it is very difficult to untangle yourself from it.

 

Why is it difficult? Do you have kids together? Finances? Property? Assets? Legal issues? Are you happy to wait another 2 years?

 

Or do you just not feel like walking away?

Edited July 18, 2019 by SpiceCat