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comingclean

Hi community, I just want to write my story out because the weight of it is crushing. I haven’t told anyone in my life, not even my parents who are my only family.

 

I am expecting my first child with a MM. It was planned. I asked him to consent and agreed to release him from all responsibilities.

 

My reasons were:

1. I’m reaching an age where pregnancy will be riskier and wanted to avoid future biological complications.

2. Because of this, I didn’t want to risk an uncertain amount of years searching for and developing a serious relationship with a new person. I told myself I’ll search for a stable healthy partner after having a child.

3. I felt I was at a dead end in my job. I have significant financial savings so I knew I could provide for myself and child for a good amount of time. The plan was to get pregnant (no idea how fertile we were even going to be) and look for other jobs at the same time. Pregnancy came first.

4. There was a part of me that hoped having a child would be a game changer for us. I know wisdom says this is never true, but I was a fool in love.

 

He agreed not because he was naive, but honestly because we were in love and he knew my concerns about the biological clock.

 

BACKSTORY

He and his wife have been married for ~3 years now; no kids. When I first met him, he would have been 0.5 years into the marriage. He had moved across the country for a 2-year professional training program, and we met in this new city which I also had just moved to. For the first month of knowing him, he concealed his marriage from me. I snooped and found out; he was not the one to come clean.

 

I know you’re thinking: it had only been a month, why on earth didn’t I leave then? To that I admit I suffer from attachment issues and keenly feel alone in the world (no extended family and friendships have been weakened by distance/moving away all my life). I know this has led me to trade short term pleasure for long term pain. I have seen therapists, I am self-aware, but it is still a problem.

 

So we lived together in the new city for 1.5 years. He and wife largely communicated by text once a day. I couldn’t understand how they could stand to only do that. He said even when they lived together, they had separate social lives and gave each other a lot of space due to little overlapping interests. Their main issue was sexless marriage. Since he had to visit his wife only a few times a year, it was easy for both of us to ignore the huge underlying problem because daily life was bliss. He always told me I was his romantic partner in reality but he had a strong attachment to his wife. I have reason to believe a large part of his motivation is to maintain their professional, upper middle class socioeconomic standing.

 

He never gave a timeline or commitment to end his marriage, but he always maintained it was a possibility. Whenever pushed, he said he wasn’t mentally at that point yet. We tried to break up twice. The last time, he essentially pleaded for me to hang on because it was still possible for him to give me all that I wanted. Fool that I was, I sincerely convinced myself the circumstances of their marriage meant it had a low probability of working out so I kept hanging on and becoming more emotionally invested. At the same time I fooled myself into believing it would be easy for me to walk away and raise the child myself.

 

About nine months ago, he completed his training here and moved back to his original state but not the same city as his wife, so as of now they are still living apart due to professional reasons. But she wants them to buy a house and he has apparently put that off on account of me. We FaceTime almost every day. He flies here to see me every so often. It was during one of these reunions that we agreed to conceive the child.

 

CURRENTLY

That hope inside of me that the pregnancy would be a game changer inevitably resurfaced. I still couldn’t understand with how they live apart why we couldn’t just live together. I was at a point where I wanted the truth to come out (at the cost of my reputation as well), just to see if we could all settle for some kind of arrangement. I won’t sugarcoat it: I became so resentful of bearing this secret while he gets away with his life intact that I threatened to DDAY. He threatened to scorched earth retaliate if I did.

 

Now I can’t see him in the same light. He has always, and will always, prioritize covering his own ass. I wish I could say the truth has set me free, but I still feel deeply attached, just also bitterly resentful. I know I played stupid games, won stupid prizes, so I can't even tell my family or friends. I’m worried I’ll carry this resentment my whole life.

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bathtub-row

The guy has had every opportunity to leave a marriage where there is little contact, no home, and no kids. There’s something here he’s hiding from you. Don’t waste your time puzzling over his marriage and his reasons for staying.

 

I’m a little confused about what’s bothering you. You made a decision to get pregnant based on your age and other factors. You seemed to have walked into that situation with your eyes wide open.But now you seem to be devastated. Did you have a hidden agenda thinking that pregnancy would change his mind?

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Yes, I think the OP said a couple of times that she hoped having a child would have some sort of influence on getting the MM to leave his marriage.

 

OP, your MM is a lying liar. First he apparently cheated on his new bride of only 6 months and he faked being single in order to manipulate you into the sack. So within one month you knew that this man is a selfish manipulative liar and yet you still chose him to father your child. Why would you choose such a loser of a man to be the father of your baby?

 

Furthermore why do you continue to believe his lies. He hasn't told you the truth about his marriage. There is A LOT you don't know. Your baby deserves better than having a mom who is depressed and tied in knots over a lying cheating man. Why would you even want a man who would cheat on a woman just 6 months after citing vows to her? How could you ever even trust him? Get rid of him so you can focus on being a good mom for your baby

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comingclean

Yes, I plainly admitted in my post that I harbored a wish that having a child would change his mind. If it didn't change anything, I wouldn't regret it due to my age and being financially secure.

 

I did act with eyes wide open and have no "right" to ask more of him. But this is not mutually exclusive with being devastated.

 

Sincerely thank you for reading my post.

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If you want a child and have the financial means and social support to be able to raise a child on your own, more power to you.

 

But to bring a child into the world hoping that it would encourage this lying, cheating man to commit to you is just plain irresponsible. This child isn’t even born yet, and it has a job. That’s not fair to the child.

 

I hope you are able to create a life that is healthy and happy for your child. Good luck.

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comingclean

anika,

 

I deluded myself into considering him just another sperm donor. Without him in the picture, I had resolved within the next 1-2 years to get a formal sperm donor through the clinic. I wanted to avoid the technical procedure if I could, save the substantial amount of money even though I could bear the cost, and also for the secret hope I admit it.

 

It was not a good choice because of the emotional burden that comes with it. I get it. It's just hard to deal with those emotions.

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comingclean

bailey, once the child is born, I won't be using him/her as leverage to convince the MM. He/she doesn't have "a job"

 

I'm writing this post now to help me get past the 2+ years of emotional trauma precisely so I can be in a better place when the baby arrives.

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it sounds to me very much like you are someone who wants to use his or her child to cement their relationship.

I have zero sympathy for someone who does this and then it blows up kn their face.What right did you have to knowingly bring a child into your messy station just because it suited your needs?

 

 

That is too selfish for words.

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My guess is that you are not getting the whole story about his marriage and he is lying about it too.

 

6 months into his marriage he meets you and his marriage is already sexless and he is cheating on her..

 

I know you have attachment issues but this guy isn't someone you need to be attached to.. he is going to break your heart.

 

IMO, dump him and date a real guy who hasn't got some deal worked out with his wife and then you will have a child with someone who can be a father to the child.. this guy isn't a good role model.

 

Are you sure he is really kidless and only been married 3 years ?

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CautiouslyOptimistic

My reasons were:

1. I’m reaching an age where pregnancy will be riskier and wanted to avoid future biological complications.

2. Because of this, I didn’t want to risk an uncertain amount of years searching for and developing a serious relationship with a new person. I told myself I’ll search for a stable healthy partner after having a child.

3. I felt I was at a dead end in my job. I have significant financial savings so I knew I could provide for myself and child for a good amount of time. The plan was to get pregnant (no idea how fertile we were even going to be) and look for other jobs at the same time. Pregnancy came first.

4. There was a part of me that hoped having a child would be a game changer for us. I know wisdom says this is never true, but I was a fool in love.

 

I'd be willing to bet #4 was actually #1 on your list.

 

#2 is just plain irresponsible! As is #3.

 

It doesn't seem like there's much you can do at this point except prepare for the hardest thing in life you'll ever have to do.....be a single mom.

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bathtub-row
Yes, I plainly admitted in my post that I harbored a wish that having a child would change his mind. If it didn't change anything, I wouldn't regret it due to my age and being financially secure.

 

I did act with eyes wide open and have no "right" to ask more of him. But this is not mutually exclusive with being devastated.

 

Sincerely thank you for reading my post.

 

Well, then believe it or not, you actually got what you wanted - a baby! Isn’t that great and something to celebrate? And, who knows, the MM actually may change his mind somewhere down the road but, by then, you probably won’t want him. And the truth is, even if you got him right now, you’d never trust him.

 

I say be happy about this new, precious gift you’ve been given, tell your family that you deliberately got pregnant by a guy you were dating because you wanted a child. Spin whatever story you want - but tell your child the truth somewhere down the road.

 

I hope soon you’ll be able to focus on your baby and be happy. You basically wished for this and now you have it. Really, how great is that? :)

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You should of run when you found out he was married. Now your trying to keep him by having his child. I am having a hard time understanding why you would want some low life that cheats on his wife before he even has their honeymoon paid for. To see your future with him all you have to do is look at the way he treats his new wife. So when your family and friends ask who the father is are you going to lie to them too? How did you hide living with him for 1 1/2 years? Didn't your family and friends ask, did they even meet him? Threatening you with scorched earth tells you he never intends to leave his wife because he doesn't want her to know about you. Is it possible that she's the one with the money?

 

You wasted all those years on a POS rather then on someone who is actually available. That is just so sad. You know that one day your going to have to explain these lifestyle choices to a man who loves you. As a man I can tell you, it's not going to go over well because it will bring up all kinds of negative thoughts about your character and boundaries. At least get his families medical history before he totally disappears from your life. I hope you don't lie to your child.

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I am expecting my first child with a MM. It was planned. I asked him to consent and agreed to release him from all responsibilities.

 

 

Funny how I read this and it never sunk in, sorry about my previous post and missing it...

 

I would work on breaking your attachment issue to him, he won't be there for you and it will only pull you down to continue to try and be attached to him.

You have to get yourself in the mindset that that you are raising this child alone at this point.

Are there any legal papers drawn up at this point ?

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comingclean

Hi art_critic - I know it's a 3 year marriage with no kids because I found the social media post about the wedding. That's how it initially came to light. They had been together for some years before marrying so that's how it was not immediately a sexless marriage. I know it could be a lie but I believe the stronger motivation to stay together is the professional-social circle they're both in.

 

Thanks for your time - I am trying to do as you say and break my attachment now before the baby is born.

 

~~

 

aliveagain, my family and friends back home have never met him. They only know I was seeing someone. No one can see anything is amiss because he's also not from this city. I told my parents I decided to be a single mother using an ex as a sperm donor. They are overjoyed.

 

I know that I will have to tell my future child and partner the truth one day. Thank you for your sobering but constructive insight.

 

~~

 

thank you bathtub-row for your uplifting words. I am indeed happy to be expecting. It's just marred by the devastation of really, truly letting MM go now. I know I need to prioritize the child but all these feelings go together.

 

~~

 

everyone else: we're going to have to disagree that knowingly becoming a single mother is irresponsible and selfish. There is a selfish and irresponsible component to my actions because of the MM situation, but as I explained above, I would have opted to do in vitro fertilization clinically in the near future. The child is wanted and will be provided for.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

 

everyone else: we're going to have to disagree that knowingly becoming a single mother is irresponsible and selfish. There is a selfish and irresponsible component to my actions because of the MM situation, but as I explained above, I would have opted to do in vitro fertilization clinically in the near future. The child is wanted and will be provided for.

 

To be clear, I do not think it is always irresponsible. I have a handful of friends who have done the sperm donor/single mom thing and they are great mothers. They all have advanced degrees and good jobs they kept, though, and weren't hoping the married man who impregnated them would have a change of heart once a baby was in the picture. In fact, none of them even had/have "finding a partner" on their radar. One of them even has two kids with the same donor.

 

I really feel for this guy's poor wife who has no clue he has created a life with someone other than her :(.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
He has always, and will always, prioritize covering his own ass.

 

Be careful. The leading cause of death in pregnancy is homicide.

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I am having a hard time understanding why you would want some low life that cheats on his wife before he even has their honeymoon paid for. To see your future with him all you have to do is look at the way he treats his new wife.

 

I always find this interesting. So many women come to this site hoping and praying, willing to do just about anything to “get” the guy... never once stopping to ask themselves, if he is actually a guy worth having.

 

The truly sad stories for me are the women who “win their prize” only to discover a few years down the road that the problems he had in his first marriage, the issues with integrity, honesty, trust, fidelity... continue to be problems in his next relationship.

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everyone else: we're going to have to disagree that knowingly becoming a single mother is irresponsible and selfish. There is a selfish and irresponsible component to my actions because of the MM situation, but as I explained above, I would have opted to do in vitro fertilization clinically in the near future. The child is wanted and will be provided for.

 

Well then, you got what you wanted. I wish you all the best in the future as you raise this child. May you have many wonderful years together.

 

To be clear, the issue is not conceiving or raising a child as a single mother. As CO said so eloquently, the concern is related to your judgment in getting involved with a MM and the circumstances by which this child was concieved. There were other and probably better options, as you have learned... but, what’s done is done. Time to look forward and build a new life for your child.

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I don't think there's anything wrong with being a single parent if you can afford it and don't mind the child not having a father in their life. However, to knowingly get pregnant by someone else's husband at your age is foolish and selfish. Now you are reaping the rewards of your decision. No, this man was never going to leave his wife because in his own sick way she's the one he loves regardless of their social status. Who knows, she may have a lover of her own and he may now have a new girl where he's living now and lying again to you. I agree with others that you got what you were after, the baby, so direct all of your attention to that and pretend you never met the sperm donor.

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Be careful. The leading cause of death in pregnancy is homicide.

 

I couldn't second this enough. I wouldn't threaten him with exposure again given what he's told you about it.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
I couldn't second this enough. I wouldn't threaten him with exposure again given what he's told you about it.

 

Yes. A threat of "scorched earth" should not be taken lightly.

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bathtub-row
I always find this interesting. So many women come to this site hoping and praying, willing to do just about anything to “get” the guy... never once stopping to ask themselves, if he is actually a guy worth having.

 

The truly sad stories for me are the women who “win their prize” only to discover a few years down the road that the problems he had in his first marriage, the issues with integrity, honesty, trust, fidelity... continue to be problems in his next relationship.

 

I think there’s a specific psychology behind why some women attract unavailable men in their lives. It usually has to do with some type of disconnect with their fathers. After enough mistakes are made, hopefully that person learns not to make those decisions again.

 

This has been a very common thread in my life, although I didn’t recognize it as such for a long time. It’s that emotional craving that makes a person do what they do and it goes beyond the rational. I was raised in a cultish religion that had a major impact on my thinking. First of all, they didn’t allow blood transfusions so, somewhere in the back of my mind, I assimilated the idea that were I injured or needed a blood transfusion, my parents would let me die. The other condition in the religion was that if a person leaves it, they’ll be disowned by their family. On top of all that, my father was the classic alpha male and although he loved us fiercely, he could be somewhat distant. I think all of that translated into conditional love which had a major impact on my life, even after I left the religion in my mid-20’s.

 

It’s easy to criticize people for their behaviors but it typically stems from a deep hurt that started when they were young. This is why I always say that men need to be close and kind to their daughters if they want them to grow up with a healthy self-image. The same goes for mothers where their sons are concerned. It seems that the opposite sex parent has the biggest impact on a child.

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To knowingly get pregnant by someone else's husband at your age is foolish and selfish.

 

It’s dangerous for exactly this reason. What would his wife think if she knew her husband had knowingly made another woman pregnant? This takes “I have something to admit, I’ve been having an affair with another woman...” to a whole new level. If he values his marriage, it is HUGELY threatening to have another woman - who is pregnant with his child - with the ability to tell his wife and end his marriage. The child is indisputable proof, there is no denying the relationship. So yes, to get pregnant by another woman’s husband was foolish and selfish. To do so thinking that he would leave his wife and create a happy family with you is fairly delusional. Be careful what you wish for...

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OP - if you decide to keep the baby, just be prepared to raise him/her by yourself without the expectation that MM will leave his wife for you or be in the life of the baby.

 

There are a lot of single moms. I know two who are single moms by choice. they are educated and have a great jobs. one is an corporate attorney and the other was a IT manager in a big tech firm. They were in their late 30s and wanted to have kids but couldn't find the right partner so they found sperm donor from sperm bank and conceived via IVF. Now they are happily raising their children alone. I am telling this because one of the top reasons you said you decided to have a baby with MM because your clock is ticking. now you got what you want. Just think of MM as your sperm donor that cost you nothing.

 

You can be a great mother to your unborn child with or without MM in the pictures. If he decides to be in his/her life, that is a bonus. The child is yours and he/she is your family forever. as for MM, he can be replaced.

 

OP - I wish you well and hope you have a easy and healthy pregnancy.

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You lived with another woman's husband for 1.5 years, what was the excuse he used to stop her visiting him? It's not realistic to believe she never wanted to come see him in all that time.

 

Plus how do you know it's a sexless marriage, apart from the logistics that he's been living apart from her for most their marriage. Remember this man is a blatant liar but you choose to believe this one lie!

With regards to your pregnancy, you say you told him he would have no rights. What's the plan? Do you intend for him to sign the birth certificate? To officially sign over his parental rights? Or do you hope once he sees the baby he'll have an epiphany and suddenly decide he can't live without the pair of you.

This is a man who can blatantly lie and cheat on his new wife, it's truly a case of be careful what you wish for.

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