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Saw EA partner for first time in 7 months


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 15th April 2019, 9:47 PM   #1
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Saw EA partner for first time in 7 months

I had posted some of this before. I am a MM and had an EA with a MW who my wife and I have been friends with her and her husband for about 17 years. The EA lasted about a year and a half until her husband found some messages and started getting suspicious. We decided to tell our spouses the truth and they broke all contact from that point. My wife has been very forgiving towards me and her once friend but it has still been tough.

My AP and I agreed to no contact and God help me it has been brutal. I didn’t believe I was in love but I am still trying to get over the broken heart that came with all of this. Over the past 7 months of NC I have had to try every thing I can think of to not contact her. Well, this past weekend we ran into her and her family at an event. She did give a heads up to my wife that they were attending, which was nice. I spent the days leading up to the event fighting terrible anxiety and panic attacks but unfortunately I couldn’t bail on attending. I cannot explain how painful it was to see her again. Her husband and I spoke a little, my wife sat down and talked to her for quite some time but any time I looked in her direction, walked passed, or spoke to anyone near her she would look the other way or immediately walk away. I understand we shouldn’t be speaking and I know I shouldn’t care but it was heartbreaking. I will spend the rest of my life assuming that she hates me and there is no way I will ever know differently. She became my best friend, someone who I could tell anything to and now she cannot stand to even look in my general direction. I would hope that this would help me get past the NC but it just makes me want to reach out and ask if she will ever forgive me for what happened. I just want to get past this.

I’m not even sure why I posted this. I hope someone reads this that is struggling getting close to someone who is married or in a relationship and thinks “I don’t want that heartache” because I promise you, you don’t.

Last edited by Dissapointing; 15th April 2019 at 9:54 PM..
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Old 15th April 2019, 9:54 PM   #2
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I am sorry you are hurting and for the obvious anxiety this meeting caused. I think you should be proud that youíve both honored the NC and it sounds like you handled this event and seeing one another in the best manner possible. Despite making mistakes youíre doing the best thing for your families moving forward.

I donít want to project feelings on your xMW, but I imagine she doesnít hate you, more is hurting as well and feeling a lot of the same guilt you feel. I know that is how I feel. I canít hate my xMM. He didnít force me into anything, it was my bad decisions so the anger is really at myself.

I agree with your messaging to anyone reading that the heartache is not worth it. I hope you have some peace now that this event is over and youíre going to continue down the right path. It sounds like your spouses also handled this with a lot of class. All the best to you!!
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Old 15th April 2019, 10:05 PM   #3
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Agree. Sometimes people genuinely flip emotionally at the end of a relationship (including an A) but it's at least 50/50 that's it's more the above.

Plus even if she does resent you - it really doesn't matter, since you'll be NC. Her emotions are now her business.

The residual limerence is quite painful I'm sure, but it does eventually fade. You were wise to at least try to get out of attending IMO.

Keep at it. Months, in probably months to go unfortunately, but it WILL end.
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Old 16th April 2019, 2:51 AM   #4
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No words on what this must have done to your wife. How hard it must have been to have be in the same place as your AP. No it's all about you. Do you love your wife? There was not one word about her in there.
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Old 16th April 2019, 3:08 AM   #5
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No words on what this must have done to your wife. How hard it must have been to have be in the same place as your AP. No it's all about you. Do you love your wife? There was not one word about her in there.
And why would there be? He comes here for himself, not for his wife.
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Old 16th April 2019, 5:07 AM   #6
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I don't think she hates you. I think she's trying to avoid the appearance of starting anything back up or doing anything that would cause her husband or former friend (your wife) mistrust. She's likely trying not to give the appearance of anything inappropriate and doesn't want to be tempted. You never know what she may have promised her husband behind the scenes (that she wouldn't interact with you). Don't ascribe any personal meaning to it, it will just give you more to try to get over.
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Old 16th April 2019, 9:15 AM   #7
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I agree with the other posters. She is most definitely uncomfortable with the entire situation especially making eye contact. I'm sure she doesnt hate you. She is just as responsible for what happened. Take a deep breath and be patient with your feelings. It takes a while to fully recover. I'm 8 months out and it does get easier. She can always remain in a special place in your heart.
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Old 16th April 2019, 12:46 PM   #8
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And why would there be? He comes here for himself, not for his wife.

This was a double betrayal and this woman has shown immense grace. The last this man can do is show some kind of inkling of how hard it must have been for his wife but no it's all on his heartbreak. That's why I asked if he loved his wife, if he cared at all he'd be worried at how this hurt her but no there was nothing!
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Old 16th April 2019, 12:49 PM   #9
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This was a double betrayal and this woman has shown immense grace. The last this man can do is show some kind of inkling of how hard it must have been for his wife but no it's all on his heartbreak. That's why I asked if he loved his wife, if he cared at all he'd be worried at how this hurt her but no there was nothing!

So your conclusion is that he doesn't care about his wife, because his post doesn't mention her? Wow.
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Old 16th April 2019, 1:01 PM   #10
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Disappointing - You of course have a lot to be sorry for here. Sorry to your wife, sorry to your AP's husband. Sorry to the AP --- NOT.

She got into this just as you did. Eyes wide open, knowing it was wrong. If she is angry with you then let her. She should be. You acted as a POS to her. As you should be angry with her. You should both be more angry at your own bad choices but it takes two to tango and your tango partner is a POS. Don't feel you need her to stop hating you. She sure doesn't seem to feel sorry for you or care if you hate her.

Also, don't "keep a special place in your heart" for this POS. I know your wife may not know that you do, then again she may, but if you do that, it is very disrespectful of you. It is continuing the affair "in your heart."

If you can't see this woman for the POS that she is and never think fondly of her again, then you should leave your wife to find someone that doesn't "hold a special place" in their heart for someone else. I know I wouldn't want to be married to someone like that. Would you?
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Old 16th April 2019, 1:12 PM   #11
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I do not think she hates you. But I think she is handling the NC better than you and doing her best to put your EA in the past.



Normally in situation like this, you wouldn't even want to look at the direction where that person is in - you will try to avoid eye contact at all cost. Avoid crossing path with them - especially, knowing that your BS is around.

But you were looking at her direction which IMO is almost like you're trying to get any reaction or anything that might connect you two again even just knowing that you are still on her heart.


I do not know how awkward this may be for your W and her H or what emotions or feelings this meet up has given them.
I am pretty sure that they were also alert or trying to see what the reactions of the two of you will be. I am pretty sure that your wife may have sense something.


I understand how hard it is for you. I know how much you are missing the friendship and Emotional connection that you two has shared. You are still in withdrawal phase.
But I do think that your EX-AP is doing her best to put your A behind. She doesn't hate you. But the A is over for her.
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Old 16th April 2019, 1:51 PM   #12
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No words on what this must have done to your wife. How hard it must have been to have be in the same place as your AP. No it's all about you. Do you love your wife? There was not one word about her in there.
Gee why does every post have to pivot to the BS? Some folks come in here for help for themselves.
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Old 16th April 2019, 2:35 PM   #13
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This post shows how little work the OP has actually done. It appears he has is wallowing in his pain. I referenced his BW because she is the innocent victim (along with the BH), she did not ask for the betrayal. OP chose to stay in the marriage therefore he owes his wife the respect that comes along with that.

Oh and before someone says it I am not a BS, I have simply reached a point in my life where I appreciate the benefits of leading a truthful life.
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Old 16th April 2019, 4:18 PM   #14
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He may indeed be wallowing, but in truth this pain isn't something one can simply shut off. I've experienced it directly as an adult. It has a life of it's own and must be, for lack of a better word, endured until it shuts off of it's own accord. This is part of the "process" that waywards go through to fully end the A. The timing/duration varies for different people as well apparently.

There are probably full on sociopaths who don't experience this, but I'm guessing not too many of them bother to come here and post - they have no "issue" that they need help with processing. For them it's presumably just on to the next lie and breaking someone else's life.
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Old 16th April 2019, 4:37 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by Amethyst68 View Post
This post shows how little work the OP has actually done. It appears he has is wallowing in his pain. I referenced his BW because she is the innocent victim (along with the BH), she did not ask for the betrayal. OP chose to stay in the marriage therefore he owes his wife the respect that comes along with that.

Oh and before someone says it I am not a BS, I have simply reached a point in my life where I appreciate the benefits of leading a truthful life.

And respect for his wife means he can't have certain feelings he's dealing with, that for obvious reasons he can't share with his wife? Because he should hurt his wife even more by talking to her about it ?


In just about every topic someone feels the need to point out who 'the real victim' is. Seriously...
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