Am I throwing away a 20 year relationship or have I been fooled this long?

[Mandeena79]

Over 1 year lurker here and finally opening up to tell my story. First, thank you ALL for sharing your stories. This board helped me get to this ending. Any insight you all can give to my situation is fully and gratefully appreciated. I’ll try to condense. It’s a two decade long complex relationship.

 

This man, he’s not married, but in a 20 year committed relationship. I can’t really call him a MM, but he might as well be. He’s 28 years my senior and was my first at 22. We met when I was 20, I am now 40. It was an FWB relationship the entire time. I accepted it, knowing he had a girlfriend. I have never, ever had the passion with anyone else like what I have with MM.

 

We’ve been in each other’s orbit on and off for 20 years. I was available to him for 7 years, until I met a wonderful man. As an escape, I stepped out on that relationship. MM and I went back to our usual ways, I got tired and went NC for 3 years. I broke NC to reach out when I learned he’d gotten really sick during that time. I kept on and off communication with him, nothing that was consistent, no physical and it was with low expectations.. I thought I was handling the ‘friend’ thing well.

 

As for my long-term relationship, I confessed, and we tried for another 5 years but couldn’t make it work and broke up last summer. I’m single now! Guess what I did? You guessed it… I let MM know I was available. This time MM was much warmer and caring than ever, but he played a harder push-pull, hot-cold game. Was it all to keep me hooked, to keep his doll in the box? Again, I got tired of the suffering and pain. I stopped reaching out to him and let him always initiate. He started getting clingy because I wasn’t responding how I used to. He was paying attention to my absence. But I knew heartbreak was just around the corner. I knew it was time to finally call it off. I wasn’t going to play into the warmth.

 

I told him that I deserved more, I wanted more. He acknowledged that I do deserve more and he respects it. He was compassionate, the most loving he’s ever been. Then he says, “this doesn’t mean we can’t still be friends. I still want to call you. Every 10 days or so.” At first, I agreed. Then before he left, I said I needed to withdrawal. “I’ll wait for you then.”

 

The next morning (Saturday), I texted that I was okay and that I wanted him in my life. I thought I could do it. His response was nonchalant.

 

Yesterday, I saw him in the wild and made the stupid choice to text him. His indifferent response cements it for me. I’m undocking my boat and sailing away. I’ve blocked his number. Tell me I did the right thing. Tell me he doesn’t deserve to know he’s blocked. Tell me I’m doing right to throw out the trash and close the door to 20 years and a “friendship.” It’s extremely difficult to do with something that has lasted this long. I did trust his wisdom. Do I tell him I’m going to block him and not to contact me? Or do I just leave it be? He’ll figure it out when I don’t reply.

 

Now I feel like a loser. A desperate girl who can’t stay away. I’m sure this just feeds him.

 

Looking back, his line of “still be friends” I believe is only to relieve his guilt, and to retain his image of himself. Staying around will only continue my addiction—my overthinking, my pain, the intense high, the aching lows I AM EXHAUSTED. WHY AM I LIKE THIS? I have to figure out and fix what’s missing in me that causes me to seek validation by a man’s level of affection.

[BaileyB]

He is 28 years your senior, so if you are 40 years old now... that makes him, 68 years old?

 

Have you considered that his “nonchalance” has little to do with you and everything to do with the fact that he is an older man, not willing to complicate his life for a side relationship and not interested or able to have sex anymore.

 

I simply can’t imagine trying to engage a 68 year old man in an affair. What do you possibly think that a relationship with this man can bring to your life? He’s clearly settled in his relationship, if it’s lasted 20 years. It seems to me that you have created this fantasy about him, and it does not truly reflect the reality of the situation. In other words, you are getting yourself all worked up about... nothing.

Edited April 4, 2019 by BaileyB

[preraph]

Sorry. Sounds like you have certainly spent most of your life in this uncommitted relationship. I have unusual relationships too, so not being judgmental. But I do think you need to at some point learn to move on see if a real boyfriend would be more fulfilling or not, or if being alone would be. Or if you really can only handle someone who isn't really fully available like this. I mean, it is what it is. Is he still interested in sex? I wonder because he was an old guy going for a younger woman, so I wonder if she even still wants to have sex now that you're not young. He may be finding young woman sex some other way like paying for it. Who knows.

 

Anyway, I hope you give yourself more of a life than you have now and maybe put him as a friend only and give yourself at least a chance to find someone else.

[Mandeena79]

I’m embarrassed of the age difference. He’s still interested in sex and although he can’t get fully erect, he’s still very active, attentive and does what he can. He and I picked up hot and heavy last summer and it was a once a month visits since then. Like the passion never stopped, never aged. I know he’s committed to her, and we both understood and accepted that he’s never going to leave. I never asked about her, he never talked about her. I bottled up and put away the guilt of what was I doing to her, an innocent. I never wanted him full time. I don’t know what I wanted. It’s the broken in me looking for validation based on the level of a man’s afffection.

I want to believe he is a friend. Has moved mountains for me and I believe underneath it all he cares about me

Ending all contact again is harder this time. Last time I was angry, this time I tried to what’s good for me and groveling through the pain.

 

Do I be honest with him and tell him I’m cutting him off permanently, or do I let him figure it out when I never reply.

[Mandeena79]

Because I told him it’s off, is his nonchalance because he’s having to pull away emotionally himself?

[BaileyB]

Because I told him it’s off, is his nonchalance because he’s having to pull away emotionally himself?

 

Men don’t get as emotionally involved as women do. It’s a simple fact, much discussed on this site. Again, I think you are reading more into this... YOU are very attached to him, and for obvious reasons given how young you were when you first got together. Don’t assume that HE feels the same way.

 

He was/is happy in his relationship. You came back into his life and offered an ego boost/some extra sex. He was fine with that. He could take it or leave it. He’s probably just as fine when you decide to walk away... because, he has another relationship and a life that does not involve you.

 

If it was me, I would send him a text telling him that you have decided you need to move on and find a man who can commit to a relationship. Wish him well with his life and say goodbye.

 

And then, make yourself an appointment with a counsellor if you haven’t already. You’ve got some work to do to gain some self awareness and figure out what you want for the rest of your life.

[Mandeena79]

BaileyB, thank you. It helps to hear someone else say aloudwhat I was telling myself. I’ve been his take it or leave it.

I’ve recognized I need counseling and took initiative and have an appointment next month. I have a lot of mending to do, a lot of good growth.

[BaileyB]

BaileyB, thank you. It helps to hear someone else say aloudwhat I was telling myself. I’ve been his take it or leave it.

I’ve recognized I need counseling and took initiative and have an appointment next month. I have a lot of mending to do, a lot of good growth.

 

I’m not saying that he doesn’t care about you. I’m just saying, he has another life. He has another relationship and by all accounts, he is happy with his life. I don’t know what you are hoping for when you reconnected, but given his age and his place in life - he is probably happy to reconnect with you but not all that worried if you decide to walk away... thus, the nonchalance.

 

I wish you well with your counselling. It’s a good decision. You may have thrown twenty years away with this relationship... but, that doesn’t mean that your next chapter won’t be even more wonderful. You just never know what the future will bring...

[Naivewomen]

Dont ghost him without an explanation. I think that's cruel. Tell him your reasons why and close the door the proper way. My two cents.

[Mandeena79]

Agreed. I can’t ghost him.

Thank you all for insight and wisdom.

[mark clemson]

Agree with Bailey and NW that you might as well let him know. DON'T let him drag you back in however. Sticking to that might be the tough part, but definitely think you should.

 

I don't think you've been fooled or are "throwing it away" but I think you're doing what you should and need to do.

[preraph]

I agree with Bailey that he will not be as emotionally invested. With men, it's usually more about sex. Not to say they have no emotions. Sounds like you cared about each other. But the sex part is the part men seem to most value, especially someone who has gone outside his relationship to find more.

 

So he's a big boy and he can handle it. Don't be mean to him. Just tell him you need to try to make yourself a new life because you're not very happy anymore. Then as you all talked about, give yourself a counselor to talk it through with. And if you've left any friends behind, time to try to rebuild friendships or make new ones at work or pick up hobbies and stay busy socially one way or the other. Good luck.

[Mandeena79]

He and I had the conversation last week—he moved mountains to see me when I told him that I had something to say, nothing awful, but I had to do it sooner than later. I told him “I suffer in this and I have to let you go.” He was kind in return and respects that I’m doing this for myself. I’m struggling with closing the door all the way, I’ve left it cracked. Yeah, counseling will help me a whole lot, a whole lot. I’m overthinking the nonchalance.

I am looking forward to my 40s. I’ve washed out the toxic parts of my life, the people and the job, and I’m learning to bloom. Building confidence and becoming outgoing. Better to be outgoing and weird than to be the silent, weird one in the corner.

Thank you to all who’ve replied. you awesome internet strangers have given me the full and real perspective of it. I needed a third party view. I love the community here. Thank you again.

[stillafool]

He and I had the conversation last week—he moved mountains to see me when I told him that I had something to say, nothing awful, but I had to do it sooner than later. I told him “I suffer in this and I have to let you go.” He was kind in return and respects that I’m doing this for myself. .

 

Could it have been that when "he moved mountains......" he was afraid that you were going to reveal the affair to his wife and when "He was kind in return...." it was because he felt relief and felt it was best to let you go?

[Mandeena79]

Stillafool, that’s a good point. he has put a lot of trust in me, I’ve never shown actions that I couldn’t be trusted with the secret. He owns his side of the relationship, if that makes sense. He could’ve thought that, I just don’t see it though.

[vla1120]

He may have cared for you, but you deserve to be someone's number one priority. You are taking all the right steps with therapy and working to remove toxicity from your life, etc. I hope your confidence and self-awareness grows so that you can find the happiness you deserve. Best of luck.

[whichwayisup]

BaileyB, thank you. It helps to hear someone else say aloudwhat I was telling myself. I’ve been his take it or leave it.

I’ve recognized I need counseling and took initiative and have an appointment next month. I have a lot of mending to do, a lot of good growth.

 

Glad you hear you're going to do counseling.

 

You've wasted your life on a 'taken' man for 20 years! You can't commit or open your heart to any other man until you totally end things with him. He is toxic for you.

 

End it, tell him it's over and not to contact you again. Block him on all social media. He isn't your 'friend' so don't let him try to convince you otherwise.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Agreed. I can’t ghost him.

Thank you all for insight and wisdom.

 

Do what you need to do for yourself. He is a grown man who can take care of himself.

[oceanblue12]

Being the second fiddle is never truly satisfying

[sandylee1]

I'd be furious if a 48 year old man was wirt my 22 year old daughter, talk less of the fact he was cheating.

 

He's despicable. I call that totally taking advantage of your inexperience in relationships.

 

He's old enough to be your dad and should never have got with you.

 

Keep him out of your life.

[lolita888]

I think it is better for you to tell him what you really feel - that you are planning to end everything between the two of you. It's not like he was playing games on your or manipulating you to have sex with him etc. Because after all - you liked it as well -you even told him you were single and available. So just tell him what you truly feel.

 

 

 

I do not think it will have that much effect on him. He will be fine without you.

[preraph]

Sounds like your exit strategy worked okay for both of you. I think the next phase of your life will be a great one for you. Keep up the counselling, and you have your whole life ahead of you with endless possibilities. Follow your dreams.