Naivewomen Posted April 4, 2019 Share Posted April 4, 2019 Would love to hear updates from affair recovery addiction. I'm 8 months recovering now and it has been a rollercoaster of mental emotions. But from having read from many posters, I agree that time to heal is very necessary. Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted April 4, 2019 Share Posted April 4, 2019 Hi NW. I'm almost ten years out. With time and perspective, I'd have to say that the most important part of affair recovery is honesty with oneself. During the affair it is very easy to fall into the habit of telling oneself certain things, justifying actions, basically doing mental gymnastics in order to make everything "okay." That is a hard habit to break once the affair is over (regardless how). Because then the mind says "it wasn't that big of a deal" or stuff like that. It's not easy to face the fact that one made hurtful and selfish choices. It's not easy to understand that one invested time or feelings in something/someone that was again selfish and hurtful. It's not easy to realize that one is the bad guy in the scenario. It's easier to say "it wasn't that bad." But I do think once I decided to be honest with myself, things started to move in a positive direction. Now that didn't happen immediately, it took a while. Even just after my d-day I was still trying to tell myself things "weren't that bad" despite my H not even speaking to me and me having no idea where I would be the following week. Once the mind is clearer, it's better to face the issues that got one into the position in the first place, and decide to move forward in a positive and healthier way. And time definitely helps, as does true NC (in my opinion). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ABernie Posted April 5, 2019 Share Posted April 5, 2019 I can't tell you how many months I am. 7 since DD#1, 6 since DD#2, 3 since I met someone else and was moving on (until he emailed me on my birthday and I fell back and screwed up that relationship), 1 month since BS and I compared notes. I went on anti-depressants about 2 months after DD#1 Honestly, talking to his BS helped so much. We spoke very civilly. But what really cemented it was last month, my friends told me how much they hated him. The thought of having a relationship with someone who my friends hated was unthinkable to me. Even though my heart was attached, my mind started winning out this time. Another thing was that I saw him in January (we didn't speak), but he gained weight and I on the other hand look so much better! Last month I met someone who is just my intellectual equal and we get each other and have a great connection. It's so new, but the excitement is so good that it has made me forget about xAP a lot (I still do, I won't lie). I will see him on 5/5 and I'm a bit nervous about it, but maybe I can get my new interest to come. I know it's probably fast to move into a new relationship - or not - but it's really the thing that has pulled my mind out of the hole. (same with the guy from Dec/Jan) it helped so much to have someone else giving me the attention that xAP gave ETA: So 7 months post, I'm feeling mostly healed after a 9 month A Link to post Share on other sites
TooBad Posted April 5, 2019 Share Posted April 5, 2019 I guess it's only an addiction if you let it be… 4 Months out, give or take. I told her if she wanted it to stop, she'd only have to say so and it would stop. She said it, and I kept my word. First few weeks were a bit rough, and then I continued my life. And life is good. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NotADayGoesBy Posted April 5, 2019 Share Posted April 5, 2019 I wish I were doing better--it's been 9 months since my short (4 months) mostly EA ended with a co-worker. So, NC is not possible and I am still taking it hard. I finally started taking antidepressants a few weeks ago. It ended because he told me he was having an affair with someone else. I then slowly came to believe it was a friend of mine who is also our coworker, which I finally found out was true in November when she announced her divorce. I just found out last night that he is getting a divorce and that they are still together. So I guess sometimes they do leave. I've been dreading this worst case scenario for months now (first that she was his OOW...then that he was going to get divorced...and that he was going to have an open relationship with her) and now that it's come true it's a slight relief that it's done and I know for sure. I'm relieved that other people have caught on to them and are starting to gossip (which is how I found out about his divorce and that they're still together) because holding this in has been hard. Now I feel at ease to admit I noticed it too. If they are going to run off into the sunset together, it's only a matter of time before the relationship is completely out, so I don't feel like I have to keep their secret anymore. I was really only keeping it for her stb XH and their children, but that ship has sailed since two of the biggest gossips I know have noticed their relationship. I think they are going to try to pull it off as 'we only got together after we left our spouses.' Um, ok. I guess the last thing I have to deal with in all this is seeing them together around our small town, happy in the early stages of a new relationship. It's going to totally suck and I am dreading it. I will run into them. There is no way to avoid it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted April 5, 2019 Share Posted April 5, 2019 Wow, I’m so sorry NotADayGoesBy. That really sucks. It’s bad enough ending it and having to see him because you work together, it’s a whole other level of hurt to know he left his marriage but for someone else! The fact you have to see both of them can’t be easy. Sending you hugs Link to post Share on other sites
NotADayGoesBy Posted April 5, 2019 Share Posted April 5, 2019 Thank you Kat, I appreciate that more than you know. I’ve never gone through anything this difficult in my life. I feel like such a fool and so torn up about it. I don’t know how Finding my way deals with the pain—her situation is similar but even worse. How are you doing? I’ve followed your story and know you are having a rough time too. I hope things are going better. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted April 5, 2019 Share Posted April 5, 2019 Sympathy for you as well NaDGB. Life's a marathon, not a sprint though and I suspect you'll wind up feeling happy that you got out. I can say that I'm doing pretty good. About a year ago I would think about (E)AP almost constantly. Every little new thing in my life I would somehow relate it to her, and want to share it, tell her about it etc. It definitely was like an addiction. I don't think it was intentional but in a way she did me a huge favor by turning mean at the end. Maybe for both of us. I just don't idealize her the way I did, so the NC doesn't bother me just 3 months out. I'm living my life now basically the same way I did before we met and it's fine. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oceanblue12 Posted April 6, 2019 Share Posted April 6, 2019 Hopefully, time will heal all the wounds..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 6, 2019 Share Posted April 6, 2019 It ended because he told me he was having an affair with someone else. I then slowly came to believe it was a friend of mine who is also our coworker, which I finally found out was true in November when she announced her divorce. I just found out last night that he is getting a divorce and that they are still together. So I guess sometimes they do leave. I’m sorry NotADayGoesBy, but I would not consider this a “win.” This guy is such a cheat, with no respect for boundaries (two affairs at work!)... I wouldn’t trust him to leave my sight for five minutes if he was my husband. Rather, I would think of it more like “he is her problem now...” 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NotADayGoesBy Posted April 6, 2019 Share Posted April 6, 2019 Good point BaileyB, I hadn’t looked at it that way. If she only knew... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 6, 2019 Share Posted April 6, 2019 Good point BaileyB, I hadn’t looked at it that way. If she only knew... I think the winners in this situation are his wife - she gets to start a new life without her philandering husband. And you may not feel this way, but you dodged a bullet here... He is a serial adulterer, the chances that he will be monogamous in this new relationship are not good... The woman that he “chose” will probably learn that lesson the hard way... but probably not before he wrecks her marriage, breaks up her family, and destroys her career (because when their relationship ends, with all the tongues wagging, it’s going to be impossible for both of them to stay at the same job). Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted April 6, 2019 Share Posted April 6, 2019 Thank you Kat, I appreciate that more than you know. I’ve never gone through anything this difficult in my life. I feel like such a fool and so torn up about it. I don’t know how Finding my way deals with the pain—her situation is similar but even worse. How are you doing? I’ve followed your story and know you are having a rough time too. I hope things are going better. I am doing reasonably well. I think that's in large part due to the reset I've done in my mind. I've also started reading my own thread and it's been illuminating. Please don't feel like a fool. Love inspires us to do things our rational mind would never entertain. Look at the bright side: he treated you better than his wife in that he was honest when he found another OW. He didn't keep lying to you. Small consolation I know ... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted April 6, 2019 Share Posted April 6, 2019 I'm about 9 months out now. I have absolutely no doubt whatsoever that I am lucky to be apart from xMM. And as I've written before, it disgusts me to think of him ever touching me again. I don't even want to make eye contact with him, much less speak to him (not even a hi) and I do generally see him on a weekly basis with his current OW glued to his side (her eyes never leave him, I'm guessing she knows his true nature). Unfortunately knowing I'm the lucky one doesn't stop it from hurting or feeling some obviously illogical jealousy at times. I know he hasn't changed at all (beyond apparently being bolder about being out in the open with his current OW - his wife is Catholic and won't divorce but apparently they have some kind of agreement now). He tried to get together with me again, and I have no doubt he's open to opportunities with others as well as long as he can keep it quiet from his wealthy OW - from what I see and hear she's extremely attentive and takes care of everything for him. Clearly he behaves despicably. But knowing all that doesn't magically take away everything I felt for him during out 3 years together. It obviously can make no sense to anyone who hasn't been in a similar situation, because honestly it makes no sense to me. But I live the reality. Maybe/Probably one aspect that is different in my situation is that xMM will most likely die in the next few years, so I really am glad he has someone to be there for him who is probably better emotionally equipped when things get near the end (the current OW works at the Cancer Center he goes to weekly). And when his cancer finally ends his life I'm sure my grief will be as fresh as it was when I learned of the diagnosis, just like my experience with my dad's cancer death. The bottom line though is that I have a full and fortunate life and I feel optimistic about loving again - next time someone who deserves and returns it in an equal measure. I hope for everyone else in a similar situation the same. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
oceanblue12 Posted April 6, 2019 Share Posted April 6, 2019 FMW you seem to have turned a very wide corner GOOD FOR YOU just keep going forward Link to post Share on other sites
Youngestdaughter Posted April 8, 2019 Share Posted April 8, 2019 I'm so sorry. You can't help with whom you fall in love. I've been there. I loved the man. But, eventually, the wife I'd managed to think of as a ghostly presence became a very real woman who had my boyfriend's name and a life with him. I had a so called"happy ending". They divorced and he was mine. But because of his son and what he had done, he felt so guilty, he hated himself and resented me. To still be hurting after all this time, I know you must have truly loved him. But the truth is, you're lucky to be out. You're still in the pain, so you can't see it yet. But you're free! Free of the disappointment of cancelled plans, fear of being discovered, free of putting your own life on hold waiting to hear from him. Take advantage of it! Pursue your own interests. Stay busy. Don't jump into another relationship, but meeting other available men won't hurt. I know it's easier said than done, but fight your way out of this vortex of misery. Only then can you begin to heal. Once you do, you'll find yourself thinking of him and hurting less every day until he becomes the ghostly presence. But it doesn't just happen. You have to take action. Best wishes for your recovery. Remember you deserve to be the only woman in a man's life!. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
NomiMalone Posted April 11, 2019 Share Posted April 11, 2019 I ended a 6 month or so EA around September last year. I had never felt a loss so intense and devastating in my whole life and now, months later, I still feel like I’m a bleak, colourless place. To be honest, I don’t even know why I’m still stuck in this state over him. He had his fair share of shortcomings (mainly that he had the emotional intelligence of a pile of bricks), and we were doomed from the word go, as him being a cheater has already rendered him un-dateable in my eyes. I remember how during the A, I’d tried to end things so many times with MM, but he came back relentlessly. It was only when I had absolutely had enough of the gut-wrenching anxiety, guilt and pain that I was finally able to stay away. The final straw for me was when I poured my heart out to MM in a long message about how much the situation was hurting me, and he replied with a one-liner that was completely unrelated to what I wrote, with a smiley emoji at the end! I have no doubt he genuinely loved me and that he’s hurting as much as I am. I still have so much difficulty accepting the fact that he (like a lot of cheaters), is a manipulative liar who only cares about himself, and that he could never be the person I want him to be. Maybe this is why I can’t seem to let go. Shortly after the break up, I met a (single) guy and began what turned out to be a turbulent, on and off fling. That is, until I found out he was dealing drugs (and with him being in the legal profession, could have dire consequences if caught.) To say that he wasn’t my bright eyed ideal would be an understatement. But I was so screwed up and so lonely for MM at that time. Now I realise it was unfair of me to have been involved with that guy. Now that I’m single again, I find myself missing MM so much. Do you really ever get over someone you never wanted to break up with? I am so afraid I’ll never feel that way with someone else ever again. I’m so afraid I’ll feel this unhappy forever. I know what I need to do, to get out there and start doing things again, like go to the gym again etc, but I feel like I just don’t have the energy to do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NomiMalone Posted April 11, 2019 Share Posted April 11, 2019 @Youngestdaughter, thanks for sharing these uplifting thoughts. You have so much strength and perspective. I’m sorry things didn’t work out with your MM. But it sounds like you’re in a good place. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted April 11, 2019 Share Posted April 11, 2019 @NomiMalone - if you wait this out, it will eventually fade. Moving on (hope next one is a lot better btw!) should help a lot as well. It takes much longer than we like, but the longing, distress, etc. eventually do fade. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted April 12, 2019 Share Posted April 12, 2019 Do you really ever get over someone you never wanted to break up with? Yes. We do, but it's a decision we make not something that simply happens to us. We can't move forward if we're fixated on the rear view mirror. I don't believe people get "stuck" on the MM - just parked there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted April 12, 2019 Share Posted April 12, 2019 Its estimated that roughly 20% of people conned out of money come forward and report the crime. Why is that? It's for the same reason why so many of you struggle with moving on after affairs. Your egos and pride make it difficult to admit to yourself that you were wrong, that you couldn't possibly fall for the con. The fact is you did, and being able to admit that this person was not who you thought they were and they ultimately used you will go a long way to finally putting it all behind you. Instead, many are fantasizing about who they wanted this person to be or how great the relationship could have been. The advantage of these cons are you only have to admit to yourself that you were conned to get justice. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Naivewomen Posted April 12, 2019 Author Share Posted April 12, 2019 @Dkt3 well said!! Ur exactly right . I didnt want to be wrong with my judgement of believing his word!! Not ego driven just more of naivete. I believe and trust people on their word. Maybe I was conned??? Maybe he himself didnt know he was a con artist. It was a first offense for both of us. He is still trying to lure me in but thankfully I have strength now. I no longer believe the words. Should not have fought this sooo long. Link to post Share on other sites
BourneWicked Posted April 12, 2019 Share Posted April 12, 2019 NomiMalone - Go to the gym!! You will feel so much better. That's actually one of my go-tos when I'm chasing dumb, obsessive thoughts. Plus added bonus of attractive, fit men to remind you that MM's not the only person on the planet. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted April 12, 2019 Share Posted April 12, 2019 For me the holdup that exists is trying to figure out WHY I went along with the "con" - I was never totally blind to it, I was complicit. I need to figure out why so I don't do it again. My ego has been squashed flat 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted April 12, 2019 Share Posted April 12, 2019 NomiMalone - Go to the gym!! Or get out in nature. I went for a hike earlier today, massively improved my mood (and calories burned!). 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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